Microstory 2148: Wokest of Folk

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I agreed to have dinner with my neighbor yesterday evening. She framed the invitation as a friendly stranger passing by me in the hallway, but she knew who I was, and has read some of my blog. She’s not a crazy stalker, though, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ve just been pretty good at marketing my site in the local area. There’s a bulletin board in the lobby of our apartment complex, for instance, where people can post lost animal flyers, or musical instrument lessons. I printed out a slip of paper that just gives my address, and tacked it up there. It doesn’t even say what the site is, so people have to try it to see. There aren’t enough people living here to make much of a dent in my readership—especially not these days—but marketing is all about cost versus return, and it cost me almost nothing. Anyway, the dinner went well, she was very nice, and a really good cook. She’s a vegetarian too, so I didn’t have to worry about making her feel bad about making something special on my account. She prepared us sweet potato and black bean enchiladas with avocado crema. Sweet potatoes are one of those foods that I had to grow to like later in life, and I’m glad I did for this situation. I’m sure you’re all wondering if sparks were flying, but please don’t. Where I’m from, it’s annoyingly taboo for a man and a woman to be friends. Even the wokest of folk think that it doesn’t work, but as an omnisexual, I say, what even is a man, and what is a woman? Your “theory” may stop making sense when you answer that. There’s nothing romantic going on between us, and there wouldn’t be even if I weren’t loyal to Cricket.

Microstory 2096: Before I Came Out

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When I was pretty young, my dad told me that he once jumped off a cliff in Boy Scouts. I think he said it was a hundred feet or something, which may or may not have been an exaggeration. Because of the way my brain works, I interpreted this to mean that jumping off a cliff was some kind of a requirement, which immediately took me out of the running, because I’ve always been afraid of heights. That’s not a phobia, by the way, because it’s not irrational. You fall down, you could die. It doesn’t even have to be that high. You could fall from your own height, and still crack your head wide open. Some time later, I either learned that it wasn’t really a requirement, or I forgot all about it, because I did join Cub Scouts, and eventually moved up the ranks as appropriate. I graduated to Boy Scouts with a group of other boys, and we stuck together for a little while. Over the course of the next several years, almost invariably, when one of them would attain the highest rank of Eagle, they would stop coming to meetings and camping trips. I started noticing this throughout the whole troop. If they didn’t quit sometime before, they ended up seeing reaching Eagle the end of their journey. By the time I turned 18, I was one of only a few kids my age left. Everyone else was younger, placing me in a de facto leadership position in many cases. Despite the fact that I initially ranked up faster than most of my peers, I was the last to finally get Eagle. In fact, it was four weeks before I turned 18. I don’t think there was a rule that said that I was disqualified at that age, but I definitely wanted to finish by then either way.

Shortly thereafter, we went on a canoe trip, which we would do every year. It was set to be my last. I knew that I wasn’t going to be involved in the organization for much longer. Since all of my “friends” were gone by then, I shared a canoe with my dad. In the middle of the trip, we came across a cliff that looked like we could climb up to from the side. It was not a hundred feet up, but it wasn’t six feet neitha, I’ll tell ya that much. I was still afraid of heights—which, like I said, is rational—but older, stronger, and more confident in my abilities. So we got out, checked the depth of the water below the cliff, and then made the short trek to the top, where we jumped off together. I dunno, I think it’s rather poetic that the one thing that almost stopped me from experiencing those ten years of my life was one of the last things I did for my scouting career. I left the scouts, and I never looked back. I don’t regret the activities that I participated in, but I can’t look back on the whole experience fondly either. Those people suppressed my sexuality for many years beyond that. I just got so used to being someone that I wasn’t, and it took a lot for me to decide to live as my true self. I was in my 30s before I came out as omnisexual, and I will never forgive them for that. I could have been so much happier. How many others went through something similar? I’m still attracted to women, so at least I wasn’t lying about everything, but there are those who can’t express themselves at all, and that was never okay. I do not tolerate the excuse that it was a “different time”. A part of me wants/wanted them to change, but another part of me just wants to see them destroyed. I’m vengeful like that sometimes.

Microstory 1554: Shame

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Prompt

The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is check outside to see if anyone is passed out on my lawn. I live next to a frat house, so this is a regular occurrence.

Botner

Literally. They have no shame. [Here are nine more things you should know about me.] 3. I have never pooped at a gas station (and probably never will, because I refuse to pay $6 for a cup of coffee...even if they were roasting the beans with their bare hands...a lot). I try to use public restrooms at gas stations when I can, because they are generally cleaner and just usually very busy. 4. I’ve been drunk in 17 states and 7 countries. I love traveling...a lot. 5. I’ve hit a deer and I’ve flipped over a car (not at the same time). 6. I hate mushrooms and I’m vegetarian... but not for cultural reasons. When I’m inebriated I want nothing more than to have a plate of red, heart-shaped things for dessert. 7. I’ve been in a room with 1,000 women and we’ve talked about everything from N’SYNC to soap operas. I’ve come to absolutely love my girlfriends as well as become a healthier person for it...truly. 8. My favorite color is brown. 9. I’ve kissed at least two strangers in my lifetime. 10. I bought my first purse at Target...two years ago. 11. I’m fluent in Korean. I lived in Korea for 10 months and I can actually speak it. 12. I love men...but I love women just as much. I am mostly single, because I’m not sure what I...

Conclusion

...really want out of a relationship. Will anyone truly want me if they know all these personal things about me? It has taken a long time for society to accept homosexuality, and we are nowhere near out of the woods yet. Omnisexuality, which is how I identify, is so much harder. Even gay people don’t accept us. They think that we should just get off the fence, and decide already. Of course, that’s not how it works, and they’re being just as ignorant as people have always been, but I’ll keep trying to change their minds. The frat guys are actually pretty cool. The fact that they pass out on my lawn has nothing to do with me, it’s just proximity. My older brother is a lawyer, and he says this could turn into a problem, though. If one of them were to end up dead, or something, I could be liable for the damages, even though I don’t even know the guy, and I didn’t do anything wrong. He tells me I should invest in a front yard fence, but nobody has those anymore, and it’s not exactly on brand for me. Besides, I would rather they end up sleeping on my lawn than trying to drive home after the party. Still, I feel I should do something, but I don’t want to seem elitist, or anything. People think that about me when I say I don’t eat meat anymore. I’m probably overthinking all of this, and I should just stick to my own problems, and worry about who I’m going to take as my date to my cousin’s wedding. There’s this guy I really like, and I think he would be interested, but there are those in my family who do not know about me, and positively would not approve. Should I ignore them, and take the guy anyway, or should I make sure the night doesn’t end up about me, and let my cousin have her special day? Everyone else gets to take whoever they want, though. Why should I pretend to be someone I’m not? Perhaps these situations are exactly when we should start expecting people to learn to be better.