2014 Nanofiction Archive

On June 11, 2014, I wrote my first microstory. This website did not yet exist, so I just posted it on Facebook. I actually recall writing it on my phone using the Google Keep app while I was at work. It was a slow day. One day before that, however, I created a new Twitter account. I later switched the username with that of my personal account, because that made more sense, but this was the beginning of my Nanofiction career. I didn't start this blog until March of 2015, so I imported the handful of stories I had already written, and arbitrarily backdated them only to February. This means that there are no microfiction posts in all of 2014, so all you will be seeing here are the tweets. Some really old tweets. One or two of them might be kind of good, though. For anyone familiar with browsers and webcoding, you'll be able to see that the tweets are all here. The problem is I haven't finished writing the code for the in between years, so they're all hidden until I'm ready to reveal them all at once. It's all or nothing when it comes to CSS, unless I want to write extra code.

June 2014
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10
Fake Conversation"She looks like a dog." // "That is a picture of her dog." // "Oh. Pretty dog."
11
“Joke”"Today, I killed a man. He shouldn't have tried to steal my bacon," [...] said the pig.
12 13
“Joke”Hey guys, the car ahead of me has a bumper sticker that warns of the dangers of using your phone while dri-8hrwidnnatuys
14
Random NothingA wizard fell down. A child tried to lift him up. But he had turned into #SportingKC, and gotten back up on his own.
15
“Joke”He picked up the can that he had assumed would be empty. He peered in and passively said to the soda, "I thought you were already drunk."
16 17 18 19 20 21
Random NothingThe other day, push came to shove and asked to borrow a rake and shove said yes.
22 23
“Joke”He dropped the soap and just left it there. He wasn't in prison, or anything; just at home. But he didn't think he could risk it.
24 25
“Joke”I sent a letter to Vampire Weekend, informing them that I, in fact, "🎵 give a f*** about an oxford comma. 🎵"
26 27
Canon TriviaOne to die! One to fight! One to run! // One to die! One to fight! One to run! #PrimusInterPares
28
29 30

July 2014
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1 2 3
“Joke”And then I ran into the convenience store and shouted, "your sign reads as AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE MACHINE!"
4
“Joke”You could either watch #TheLastShip on TNT, or you could just listen to "America, f*** yeah!" on repeat for 42 minutes. Your choice.
5
6
“Joke”That was when the time travelers realized they should stop sending back assassins, and instead sent a gay man to make a sextape with Hitler.
7
“Joke”"FORMICATION!" yelled the imaginary ant. #notatypo
8 9
“Joke”Not only do I sing in the shower, but I dance. I am a highly trained and seasoned bathtub dancer, though. Don't try this at home, kids.
10 11
“Joke”I'm half-ambidextrous, which means that I can use both my hands equally well, like regular ambidextrous people; except one hand is dominant.
“Joke”This is your captain. The current temp is 98.6 degrees. We are 2 seconds to our destination hug. Welcome to Tavis International Careport.
12
“Joke”I have the final say in who has access to my dongle.
13
Random NothingSo. Human skulls are shaped funny, huh?
14
Random NothingOne for every state, along with the District of Columbia. And one for the larger Canadian provinces. And nothing for Utah.
15
“Joke”Yeah, sometimes I eat trees. What's the big deal? Some people eat lumber, others eat paper. But nobody freaks out about them.
16
NanostoryIn the future of flying cars and no roads, they'll close down parts of the sky for fake reasons like oxygen repair, & neutrino storm damage.
17 18 19
“Joke”He came out like a bat out of hell. Because, as you know, bats hate hell even more than we do.
20 21
Random NothingMy thumb is numb. #Notajoke. It's the one next to where I had an extra finger. I don't know why.
AlliterationThat manipulative mandolin manufacturing manager lives in a mansion in Manhattan, but he's from Manchester, and wrote a manuscript about it.
22
Language JokeAnd their they were with they're cross ties and dotted tease. There going to be a problem for us.
23
Language JokeOrinthology. Noun. The study of things that go in your mouth. Ex: Fittingly, I was chewing gum during my oral exam for my orinthology class.
Language JokeOrintheology. Noun. The study of gods that are in your mouth.
24
Language JokeCosplay. Noun. When you splay with someone else. Ex: We put on our costumes for a little bit of mutually beneficial cosplay.
25 26
27 28
Dumb DittyPleased to meet you, Mr. Coffee. Pleased to meet you, yes yes yes. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Coffee. Pleased to meet you, be my guest.
“Joke”I put my pants on like everybody else; while I'm walking towards the door, late for work.
“Joke”Missed the episode where Cookie Monster goes to the courthouse to legally change his name to Gluten-Free Tofu Salmon Kale Yogalates Monster.
“Joke”I have this theory that phones are alive, and they like to be pet. They decided to give themselves touch screens so that we would do so.
29
“Joke”I'll save that for a rainy day. Or a sunny day. Doesn't matter. I don't go outside unless I have to.
30 31
Canon TriviaThe Sonteans have the largest monkeyspheres in the entire universe; even the humans that live there.

August 2014
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
NanostoryOn a planet about 4 billion lightyears from here, the hi temp is always cooler than the lo temp. They measure it by the level of coldness.
Real Quote"Stoop kid's gonna leave his stoop!"
2
3 4
Random NothingDo all the pees stand for the same thing?
5
Canon TriviaHe was forged in the fires of Sol due to a burst gallium cap & a burned out navigation failsafe crystal on a WARP Lantern, and a small cut.
6 7 8
NanostoryThe bison was named accidentally when a father was saying farewell to his son who thought it was a lesson, since one happened to be nearby.
9
Canon TriviaOn Earth, premarital sex is taboo. In most cultures, however, it's taboo to wait until marriage, because sex is a metric for compatibility.
10
“Joke”Penny for my thoughts? I don't give it away for anything less than a nickel. I am a classy lady.
11
“Joke”. @BostonGlobe doesn't archive week-old news articles. In fact, they'll come to your home and burn your old hard copies of their paper.
12
“Joke”If you lie about someone slandering you then they're libel to sue you for your slanderous slander accusations.
“Joke”In the 1960s, if you were a woman, you had the possibility of landing a bit part where you silently hand something for Captain Kirk to sign.
13 14
“Joke”And then someone at Amazon said, "hey! Ya know what sells?! Creepy kids! Find some for our advertisements. Android better WATCH OUT!"
15
Dumb Ditty🎵 This little light of yours // I'm gonna turn it off // It's blinding my eyes // And attracting all these moths! 🎵
Canon TriviaThe Earth Protection Clause was written both to protect Earth and to prevent contamination of the universe by detestable Earthan ideologies.
16
“Joke”The baby was like, "I don't speak English yet!" I use 'like' because, as I believe I just said, it was a baby, & couldn't say it in English.
“Joke”God dies at the end of the fourth season.
17 18
“Joke”At the bulk store, they had a sample table displaying disinfectant spray, so that I could test it..on..my..tongue?
19
Hard TruthHave you considered the possibility that I DO have a sense of humor, & that you do not? Perhaps I'm not laughing because you are not funny.
20
Random NothingIt can wait dot com slash no it can't slash what were we talking about again question mark.
21
Canon TriviaThere is a singer named "Tove Lo". In a language I invented for my books years ago, that translates to either "20 yonder" or "20 yoohoo!"
22 23
“Joke”I have a "Negative 5-second" rule. If you were eating on something within 5 seconds of dropping it, you're already sick.
24
Random NothingChicken pudding.
25
Fake Conversation"Yes, Your Honor. I would like to file a restraining order." // "Against whom?" // "Against anyone and everyone wearing hemp."
“Joke”Dear Diary, I didn't even eat a snack today. What could I eat as a reward?
26 27
“Joke”100 years from now, students will be screwing around instead of studying, and wonder why people in Ferguson were throwing ice at each other.
28 29
“Joke”I'm a pretty honest guy. And, honestly, most of the things I say are lies.
30
“Joke”"I am the original shade thrower," said Ra, god of the sun.
Dumb Ditty🎵 It's almost time for bed. // You know, that's what I said! // Before I go play dead, // I have some things to read! 🎵 HA!!
31

September 2014
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
NanostoryMy toaster makes it more of a warm piece of bread, rather than crispy toast. This leads me to believe that it knows that's how I like it.
Fake Quote"The greatest thinkers of all time did not live centuries, or millennia ago. They have not yet been born."
2
Lie"Literally" literally means "so very super much, like, not even figuratively, but a whole lot and truly the biggest and most ever...like".
3
LieI love football.
4 5
NanostoryIts fun to watch all the Wicked Witches of the West and aliens from "Signs" trying to get out of the rain while I'm walking back home.
6
7 8 9
NanostoryI'm watching that screensaver where the bubbles bounce around the screen, trying to figure out which bubble started the fight.
“Joke”Then @Walgreens be all, "let us stab yo children."
10 11
Random Nothing"Don't worry. Everything is going to be okay now. There is a horse over there."
12 13
“Joke”I'm surprised at how good everyone's English is here in Canada.
NanostoryI'm hanging out in Rob Ford's hospital room, helping him smoke his crack, and discussing his brother's mayoral campaign.
14 15
Canon TriviaPlex Energy Equation (simplified): 5 + 7 = ∞
Good QuestionAre characters still in a testosterone-fueled fit of rage when they go to the store to replace the phone they broke in a fit of rage?
16
Canon TriviaOn most planets, bathrooms are co-ed. Meaning, there's a hallways with several individual bathrooms. None of this weird Earthan group stuff.
17
Random NothingSir Mix A Lot was one of my cultural teachers growing up. Then you go and butcher his genius. Go away. #Anaconda #BabyGotBack
18 19 20
Dumb Ditty🎵 I'm all about that base, 'bout that base. No trouble. 🎵
“Joke”Then God made the pineapple, and said both clearly and unambiguously, "do not put it on pizza."
21 22
“Joke”Get a tattoo only if it contains blueprints of the prison your brother was sent to when wrongfully convicted of killing the US VP's brother.
NanostoryI have to admit to something. It's been eating away at me. One time, at a family reunion, I made out with your cousin.
23
Dumb Ditty🎵 I'm all about yo face, 'bout yo face--ooo, bubbles! 🎵
24 25
LieTurtles and tortoises are the same thing. It's just that sometimes, they're wearing boots.
“Joke”Revelation 22:22 "Suck iiiiiiiit."
26
Dumb Ditty🎵 Weight tell your an ounce. Weave not yet lossed awl hour grace is. 🎵 --Larde
27
“Joke”I get really pissed off at myself when I'm alone and I slip into my bad Matthew McConaughey impression.
28
“Joke”When six people leave the room at the same time, it's called a "sexodus". And when they're going to an orgy then, wow...I don't even know.
29
“Joke”Pizza was invented the day after the telephone. At no point did you have to drive somewhere and pick up the pizza yourself.
30

October 2014
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
Story Quote"My car was stolen back in 1991 and was never recovered. Now I know it's because I took it further into the past. [...] I stole my own car!"
2
“Joke”#ThrowbackThursday back when "organic" was the only word you needed to describe food that you didn't have enough money to worry about. #TBT
3
“Joke”Can you imagine the first monkey mother to birth a hairless thing we now call human? She must have freaked the freak out. #evolution
4
Good PointIsn't it great that the opposite of "your shoelaces are UNTIED" is "your shoelaces are UNITED"? #anagram
5
LieIf U shuffle a new deck 5,346,835 times, it'll land in perfect sequence…as long as you turn them over & arrange them after the last shuffle.
6
Dumb Ditty🎵 What I need is a picket fence / Cause I'm feelin like an animal / I've heard some people scream / They want me skinned, they do resent...
Dumb Ditty🎵 What I need is to be dispensed / Cause I'm feelin like a chemical / I make my patients dream / Consciousness is dimmed, I won't relent...
Dumb Ditty🎵 What I need is some good incense / Cause I'm feelin irresistible / My eyes can create steam / I have them pinned; their will condensed...
7
Canon TriviaDear Followers, today I spontaneously came up with a street drug. That's what it means to be a writer, and what a Creative License gets you.
8
LieRemember, service technicians, you can put your booties on BEFORE walking into the house. Because booties are impervious to dirt.
9
Canon TriviaThe body part we call the 'appendix' is known as the 'index' on planets that always knew its purpose for immunity, and as an "organ backup".
10
Random NothingNo, I know. You don't have to tell ME twice...or ever.
Random Nothing#Badmath, linguistically speaking, is another way to say #blackmail. And I prefer it. Let's make this a thing. #sofetch #streetsahead
11
Good PointSo, King Henry VIII invents a religion, just so he can get his marriage annulled. And 27 million people today be like, "we believe anyway."
12
Random NothingI bought a nightlight that changes colors, AND it has a brain. It turns red every time I walk into the bathroom so I can't see a damn thing!
13 14 15 16
Fake Conversation"What's that on your pants?" // "Oh, I have a messy job." // "Ah, because I thought--" // "And I have OCD, so my job makes me pee my pants."
17
“Joke”Just announced: @RebelWilson and @Busyphilipps25 have formed a band called @WilsonPhillips where they sing about how weird their names are.
“Joke”The serial killer stepped on stage before the play began to say, "good luck, Macbeth! Good luck!" He was arrested for 3754 counts of murder.
18
19
Story Quote"Two years ago, my car was stolen, but not my keys. Until today. They waited two years TO THE DAY to come back for the keys!" #wtf #fml
20 21
Hard TruthPeople who tell you TO NOT SPLIT an infinitive or end a sentence in a preposition don't know what they're talking ABOUT.
Random NothingI don't understand auctions. I literally can't understand the auctioneers. Are you saying 500 or 5,000? Because I do not have 500. Or 50.
LieHollandaise. Noun. Refers to all the vacation time you spend in The Netherlands.
22 23 24 25
“Joke”"The early bird gets the worm." // And the late bird gets that other worm. You know that there is more than one worm in the world, right?
26 27 28
“Joke”Today, when I left the house, I forgot my chapstick, my ring, and my diaper. #fml
29 30
Random NothingYou can survive 3 minutes without air, 3 hours w/o shelter, 3 days w/o water, 3 weeks w/o food. But you can only survive 3 seconds w/o love.
“Joke”"Oh, I try to give children candy and they send me to jail. But everyone else does it, and since they're wearing clothes, it's a 'holiday'."
31
LieScientific fact: it's physically impossible to say the word "spit" without spitting.

November 2014
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
2
“Joke”I searched for myself on the Internet Speculative Fiction Database, assuming that they would, of all sites, have a future-internet feature.
3
“Joke”Every neighborhood has an "ugly naked guy". If you don't see one, it's probably you. It..it's me. The window on my door is hard to cover up.
4 5
Canon TriviaThe soul is timeless. If you go back and change history, no one else will remember the other timeline, but their souls remember everything.
6
“Joke”"People often ask for my physical strength." / "How much can you bench?" / "I can sit on a bench for an hour before it gets uncomfortable."
7 8
9 10
Certainly Something"A love triangle between a 33-year-old, a 15-year-old, & a 12-year old? And all the characters are cool with it?" // "Heh. Time, #amirite?"
11
“Joke”In lieu of my hike today, I'm just going to pop up to I-35 and play real-life #Frogger. Anyone care to join me?
12
“Joke”Most people named Kevin prefer turkey burgers to hamburgers.
13
Good QuestionDo you think raccoons, bleary-eyed and tired, ever look over at us and say, "what the hell are you people doing? It's daytime!"
14
Dumb DittyHumpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Humpty Dumpty wasn't very fuzzy, was he?
“Joke”The number of things in my house that I have to punch in order to stop them from making a noise as I walk has doubled in the last month.
15
16 17
Canon Trivia"Witches exploit vulnerabilities in an ancient system of cosmological governance. They are universe-hackers. Anyone can become a witch."
18
“Joke”I think it's important to mention that President Obama has yet cure cancer, invent time travel, or give me my own starship. #imjustsayin...
19 20 21
Good PointIf last X-Mas, you gave someone your heart, and the very next day they gave it away, that third person is the one who now owns your heart!
22
Random NothingI am 50% certain that I've not yet taken my sleeping pills tonight.
23
LieIt is the government's best kept secret that they keep redesigning currency to prevent future time travelers from exploiting inflation.
24 25
“Joke”I have to face the food packages in my cabinet. Instead of peanut butter, I might accidentally grab some other peanut butter-colored food.
26
NanostoryCustomer @ #Panera answered with "No hablamos Inglés" when the busser tried to greet them. I climbed onto my table and yelled, "yeah right!"
27
LieWhat you don't know is that the turkey who @BarackObama pardoned is one of the CIA's top assets, tracking export fraud in East Asia.
28 29
30

December 2014
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
NanostoryIn an alternate reality, when the 1st guy cut in line the other day I recited Mandy Patinkin's post office speech from #DeadLikeMe verbatim.
2 3
LieIf you know the secret sequence of numbers to tap into your microwave, it will turn it into a miniature teleporter.
4
LieHand sanitizer is actually the mucus of the rare Great Kerguelen Coleobeast found only on a small island chain in the southern Indian Ocean.
5 6
“Joke”Just got word that Kansas made it into this year's list of Top 50 U.S. States! #woohoo!
7
Nice Try#Grimm spinoff. Bud moves his family of Eisbibers to Iceland to work at a geothermal power plant. Hilarity ensues. I call it "#IceBeavers".
8 9 10
Canon Trivia"Due to all this time travel, Chase Palmer keeps raising other people's kids."
11 12 13
14 15
LieI'm an extra actor and I've been typecast as a crew member who smiles and cheers in the control room after the heroes save us from disaster.
16 17
“Joke”It has always been my dream to be filmed walking in slow motion like a badass, and then just, ya know...fall to my death into a pit of lava.
18
Good QuestionAm I the first and only writer to have found a way to include his own childhood imaginary friend as a canonical character?
19 20
“Joke”You've never seen the real Santa because you don't have the right description. "Beard" doesn't refer to hair. It refers to Mrs. Claus.
21
“Joke”Where did that piece of toilet paper go? It is not in the toilet.
22 23
OxymoronMime audition. #oxymoron
OxymoronPointedly foolish. #oxymoron #metaoxymoron
OxymoronHonest living. #oxymoron
OxymoronToon spine. #moxyoron #oxymoron #spoonerism
24
“Joke”I set a world record for longest walk while holding a green kazoo and a door knob. It was one step. No one had thought to do that before.
“Joke”I just farted. I need to go check my weight again.
25 26 27
28 29 30
Canon TriviaTo avoid death for one day during The [annual] Upgrade, everyone in the universe donates a minute of their lives each year to The Protector.
31
LieI work in the costume department of a production company. I only design the ugly clothes the character sees before finding the right outfit.

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