2020 Story Archive

January 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
Character TriviaLauren Gardner loves the band Nirvana. Her wearing of a particular Nirvana shirt in 1979 that wouldn't exist until the 1990s is what alerted Samson Bellamy to the fact that she too must be a time traveler.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "How are things going?" // Me: "Well, it's been a pretty bad day. @realDonaldTrump was elected president." // Parole officer: "That was over three years ago." // Me: "Yeah, and he's still the president, isn't he? It doesn't suck any less after all this time."
“Joke”I think some humans are attractive. I'm human too. See? Here's my coffee cup. Don't drink it, though, not because it's filled with gear lubricant, but because it's mine. Who wants to see me pick something up with my human hands? I've been progra—I mean, I can pick up many things.
Story Quote"Life is not a series of snapshots, sewn together to tell a story, and easily teased apart when you want to tell a shorter part of the story. The whole story is what holds the lesson. Don’t take me to mean you can’t ever share stories. Just be careful." #revisedfables #fishquotes
2
Canon TriviaUnlike in fiction, werewolves aren't humans who turn into wolves. They're wolves who turn into humans. They generally prefer the human form, only reverting while pregnant, ill, injured, or dead. There are those who prefer to sleep as wolves, and those who never appear as humans.
NanostoryI walk out of the bathroom to find a man who looks exactly like me, but maybe a day older. He seems exhausted. He reaches over to my bed remote, and lowers it to the flat position, and then the power goes out. "Thank you," I say. Then I get some sleep, so he never has to exist.
Random NothingOkay qué bien dice It's your brother or using a Mac.
Story Quote"But the rabbit did not let go of this. He had already beaten all of the other animals in the forest in races, and the tortoise was the only one left. He knew he could beat him too, but he desperately wanted to prove it, so there could be no question." #revisedfables #fishquotes
3
Canon TriviaThe heartbeat garby is a type of bird with an unusually low-toned call, rhythmed eerily close to that of a human heartbeat. They are considered good omens in many cultures. They are not to be confused with the heartbacked grapalin, which makes no sound audible to humans.
Fake SpeechYou think because you're bigger than me, you can push me around. Well, so can a car, but I don't cower from the car; I take control of it. And I can do this, because I'm smarter than the car. In case you're not getting it, you're the car in this metaphor. I'm still the driver.
“Joke”German is the ugliest language in the world. No, I'm not saying that because we used to date, and it broke my heart. I mean, the reason I know it's ugly is because we used to date, but it's not…it's just—*sigh*. I'm not explaining myself right.
Story Quote"She would sing him sweet songs, and he would tell her fun stories. The cunning cat even figured out how to open the bird’s cage, so she could fly free when their owner was not home. One night, the owner left some chestnuts to roast under the fire." #revisedfables #fishquotes
4
Canon TriviaThe Environmental Margin Scale (EMS) is the only temperature scale of its kind. Its creators mark 0% at a level just below the coldest ever experienced on their world, and 100% at just above the hottest. It is only useful for planetary weather, and illustrative purposes.
Fake ConversationA Meet-Cute in one act. Guy: "Do you have OCD too?" // Girl: "What's OCD2?" // Guy: "OCD as well." // Girl: "Meaning that you have OCD too?" // Guy: "No, I have OCD1." // And scene. I wrote this not long after I found out I had OCD, back in single digits.
“Joke”In Great Britain, they refer to the restroom as a "toilet". Trying to write for a British character, I wanted him to stick his head into the restroom, but ended up accidentally typing, "he pooped his head into the toilet" and now my whole canon just got a lot more complicated.
Story Quote"This was their opportunity to start fresh, and to make the new world as they wished Earth could be. The problem was that everyone in those early days was from Earth. They still couldn't ignore all that history; good OR bad. They could do better, though." #salmonverse #fishquotes
5
Character TriviaThe Voss family tree is noted for its coincidental adherence to the Fibonacci sequence. Hall Voss was born in 2005, while Mireille Travert was born in 2008, and so and, and so forth, until reaching Xearea Voss in 2089. Camden Voss ruins the sequence by being born in 2077.
Dumb DittyI'm a happy, happy happy, happy, happy, happy frog! I am hopping, hopping, hopping, hopping all around the bog! Won't you come around to play? You could come here everyday! Then we'll fall down, like a log! Happily, we'll hoppiling, until we see the sun's last ray!
“Joke”Which one do you like best? The frog in my throat has a frog in his throat. The frog in my throat has a human in his throat. The frog in my throat is on vacation. The frog in my throat called in sick, but he was out of vacation days, so I suspect he's just on vacation.
Story Quote"Mateo felt that he couldn’t argue. It wasn’t right that she was forcing them to nurse someone else’s baby, but anything he said might sound like mansplaining. They could fight it themselves, if they wanted to, but he just needed to keep his mouth shut." #salmonverse #fishquotes
6
Canon TriviaThe first native in any population must have an entire generation between them and the death of the latest-living original immigrant. Basically, they cannot be alive at the same time as anyone who was alive at the same time as an immigrant.
Random NothingDorser = Horse; Maibord = Bird; Kidteh = Cat; Poperdew = Dog; Bun'na = Rabbit; Snaker = Snake; Peego = Pig; Cheekawn = Chicken; Feeshor = Fish; Lurkey = Turkey; Cauer = Cow; Telayfaunt = Elephant; Aidimantosiabear = Bear; Zebbers = Zebra. Momo = Mouse. I have more, if you'd like.
Fake ConversationMe: "I'm sorry, but I felt that she had a right to know you cheated on her." // My parole officer: "I didn't cheat on her. I had an extramarital affair." // Me: "Riiiiight…?" // My parole officer: "Which means it was very marital, because it was with my wife." Ba-dum ching…
Story Quote"After today, they should have saved up enough to buy a new cow, which will increase their yield, and make them even more money. With that, they could buy chickens, and fix the fence, and do all sorts of things to make their farm better and better." #revisedfables #fishquotes
7
Canon Trivia (1/2)On the other planet, driving license cards and collapsible plates are awarded based on skill level. All driving students carry pink licenses. Red license holders can only drive on city streets. Green, blue, and black license holders can drive increasingly fast on highways. (1/2)
Canon Trivia (2/2)Taxi licenses are orange, and striped for speed proficiency. Gray license holders have no maximum speed limit, but can only drive on far lanes on designated highway stretches. Speed limits are marked by colors, which coincide with speed ranges. There is an age component. (2/2)
“Joke”Passerby: "Oh, your dog is so adorable. Is he nice?" // Me: "She's a bitch."
Story Quote"He hopped around playfully, but could not match the dog’s agility. He tried to mimic the dog’s adorable barks and bays, but his voice only came out in screeches, irritating the other animals in the barn. But the donkey did not give up." #revisedfables #fishquotes
8
Random NothingThe United States versus the Theocratic Hallowed Enlightenment Multidominion.
NanostoryWe asked the aliens why they attacked us unprovoked. They said humans attacked them first, so they stole our FTL technology to go back in time, and change history. So we stole their FTL technology, and went back in time to change history. But then they stole our FTL technology…
“Joke”Reading literature about dogs. Experts on dogs really wanna drive home the fact that female dogs are called bitches, like it's mucho importante to them. Maybe we should retire that term? No one hears, "my dog is pregnant" and then asks, "oh, is it a stud, or a BITCH!?"
Story Quote"Just then, they heard the horn of a hunting pack. The humans had broken up into factions, and since there were no more food distribution procedures, they had to go back to the old ways of finding food in the wild. 'Oh, no!' the monkey cried." #revisedfables #fishquotes
9
Canon TriviaThe parsu is a domesticated pig that has much softer hooves, and generally doesn't grow as large as a farm pig, or wild hog. The kaidas is a domesticated goat with similar qualities. The miacid is the oldest canine-feline ancestor, which has somehow survived for millennia.
Dumb Ditty🎤Goodbye, spider // Goodbye, bitch // I will kill you // That's the si-itch // I will crush you; // kill you dead // That's what you heard because // that's what I said!🎤
“Joke”Many years ago, governments were after me because of my superpowers. I used my superpowers to rule the world before, but then governments came to rule after when those powers started waning. I can't figure out how to word this joke to make it both sensical, and funny.
Story Quote"He then witnessed a jackdaw fly down as well, but there were no more lambs on the ground, and it was far too small anyway. Still, it evidently wanted to prove itself as strong as the eagle, so it attempted to lift the ram. The ram didn’t even notice." #revisedfables #fishquotes
10
Random NothingBridging Entertainment, Living, Livelihood, Convenience, Opportunity, Nourishment, and Education. Bringing Everyone Life's Little Convenient Opportunities; Nothing Else. Blooming Expanded Loud Luster.
Aglet of ConversationThen I suddenly realized how strange it was that I hadn't yet created a playlist with my favorite song from each album recorded by each of my current and past favorite bands. So I did what I do best; I made a spreadsheet.
LieThere's a reality where literally every adult is trained as a firefighter, which makes everyone a lot more cautious, and up to code, but that also means there are even fewer firefighting jobs available than there are here, so everyone is positively miserable.
Story Quote"The lion showed up late, thinking he was cool, but the others just thought it was rude. Still, he was the most ferocious of them all, and though he and the animals had called a temporary truce, no one wanted to set him off. It wasn’t worth the risk." #revisedfables #fishquotes
11
Canon TriviaInnerchange is a street drug originally designed to help people who suffer from depression, post dramatic stress disorder, and/or guilt. It allows you to feel like all of the bad choices in your life were actually good choices. It is in the form of a silver hexagonal prism.
True storyI once asked someone a question in French. She responded with "jeune c'est pas". We're not friends anymore. #truestory
“Joke”I can tell what kind of person you are just by asking whether you recall how to spell "slaughter" by adding an "s" to "laughter" or if you remember how to spell "laughter" by removing an "s" from "slaughter".
Story Quote"His only hope was to be rescued by Dardius, where he could live in Sanctuary forever; safe and content—still separated from his family—but at least alive, and that was all his parents wanted. But even living here, things couldn’t be so easy for him." #salmonverse #fishquotes
12
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number one: Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
Random NothingThe gross grouse grossed a gross of gross growths.
“Joke”I just opened my drawer and noticed I'm low on underwear. I know I didn't eat them all this week. I think my infant son has figured out how to climb up there.
Story Quote"They ended the hug, and enjoyed a moment of silence together. // 'I would hug you too, Mateo said, 'but that feels inappropriate.' // 'Come here,' Nerakali said to him. So they hugged as well, and it wasn’t inappropriate, or awkward, or uncomfortable." #salmonverse #fishquotes
13
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number two: Never be surprised, but never assume you already have the whole story.
Lie?A future that promises ubiquitous 100% memory recall treatments will inevitably lead to an hourly news update broadcast called "My Brief Encounter With Nick Fisherman Before He Became King of Earth". Too many stories will go something like, "he made me feel really uncomfortable."
“Joke”Sometimes I shimmy out of my pants like I'm a slender person in skinny jeans.
Story Quote"For one evening, the dingo decided to play a prank on the crane. She invited him over for dinner, like she had so many times, but the crane soon realized that he would not be able to eat the stew. She had placed it on an only moderately deep platter." #revisedfables #fishquotes
14
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number three: Keep track of everything you do, and everyone you meet.
“Joke”Nick Fisherman marked himself safe during the #CrisisonInfiniteEarths. #Supergirl #Batwoman #TheFlash #Arrow #LegendsofTomorrow
True StoryI had to watch some of the advertisements on TV, because I couldn't switch my phone to the TV remote app until the advertisement from this game I'm addicted to stopped playing first.
Story Quote"When he opened it up, he found a punch card for a restaurant two states away, an insurance card that was turned totally illegible by the rain, and a couple hundred dollars. 'Look what we’ve found,' said the one hiker. 'I’ll split the money with you.'" #revisedfables #fishquotes
15
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number four: Avoid alternate versions of yourself.
Fake SpeechI'm sorry for the miscommunication. I realize now I should have been more clear. You must have thought that—since I have such short hair—your brainwaves can penetrate my skull, and I can read you mind. This is all my fault. You shouldn't have had to say out loud what you needed.
“Joke”Rewatch #ParksandRecreation. Drink everytime Tom Haverford says or does something that you think Aziz Ansari would in real life, now that we have some perspective and context. Take another drink if it also makes you cringe.
Story Quote"Well, the ape—being not a man—did not know human language very well, and she certainly could not read. She had only heard the humans mention it a couple of times, but since it wasn’t important to her, she hadn’t really paid attention." #revisedfables #fishquotes
16
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number five: Treat everyone you meet with respect, as they may unexpectedly return.
NanostoryI have three hours and fifty-nine minutes of oxygen left. I can hold my breath for exactly one minute. My next tweet will be my last. It will be a joke, but it won't be very good, because I'm running out of oxygen.
“Joke”I didn't last one day flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant. I didn't even last one minute, mostly because I never tried. I told you it wouldn't be very good. See ya later. Or no, I won't. #literallydead
Story Quote"The ladybug scoffed, and moved on. She was too young to know the cold. Weeks later, winter came indeed, leaving the ladybug with no food to eat. All the aphids were overwintering as eggs. She flew over to the ant colony, and begged them to let her in." #revisedfables #fishquotes
17
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number six: Do not relinquish control of your own life.
“Joke”I'm set in the future.
“Joke”Police Officer: "Well, in that case, you're arrested." // Me: "For what?" / / Police Officer: "You just admitted to dropping acid the other day." // Me: "Yeah, it burned right through the table. I've already paid for the damages. Is the lab pressing charges?"
Story Quote"The ignorance annoyed the boar. 'I need to sharpen my weapons now, so that when the fighting does come—as it inevitably will—I'll be ready,' he tried to explain. 'You know what they say, if you want peace, prepare for war.' He went back to sharpening." #revisedfables #fishquotes
18
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number seven: Pack the essentials, and always keep them within reach.
LieI come from an alternate reality where the character of Superman is considered to be the best comic book villain of all time. This was a creative choice that National Comics made after Adolf Hitler's son, Todd started World War III. Stan Lee was fifteen years old at the time.
“Joke”I experience all too much joy from zooming into someone's selfie, and making out the phone they're using in the reflection of their sunglasses.
Story Quote"He agreed to never return. It didn't matter how much time passed, or how many things changed; that was a promise he didn't want to break. Still, this was his best friend they were talking about. How could he not be there? It would be disrespectful." #salmonverse #fishquotes
19
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number eight: Never do anything without having an answer for why.
LieI memorize the serial number for every single bill of currency that comes into the store where I work. I wasn't asked to do that, but what good is my genius-level intellect if I don't use it to prepare for a one in one thousand instance of fraud? It certainly can't hurt.
Fake ConversationMe: "I've been taking benzene every night to get to sleep. Not only is it not working, but I keep getting sick." // Doctor: "Do you mean benzos?" // Me: "No, the label definitely says benzene." // Doctor: "You should be dead."
Story Quote"According to Nerakali, there was nothing they could do for the mission quite yet. The problem was, whenever they claimed they were on a day off of some kind, that was when some giant interruption came to attack them. What was it going to be this time?" #salmonverse #fishquotes
20
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number nine: Gather as much information on the future, and your future, as possible.
LieI'm licensed to practice medicine in every country, but I'm only licensed to pilot an aircraft over The Vatican. I can only fly in circles; it's really boring. If I accidentally find myself crossing the border, I have to jump out, or get arrested by the Italian government.
“Joke”I've learned that, following the kidney transplant surgery I had on Tuesday, I'll be on a ten pound lifting restriction for the next six weeks. That's going to make it really difficult to go to the bathroom.
Story Quote"Now, the fish he caught were large, which were great, but he noticed that a great many smaller fish escaped his clutches. He was not happy with this. He wanted to get all the fish he possibly could, so he went back home, and started weaving a new net." #revisedfables #fishquotes
21
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number ten: Stay active.
NanostoryThere's no one else at the intersection, but another car, honking behind me. A beetle chases a small spider across my windshield. I tap the glass, just to make sure it's not on the inside, and it's not. Then the glass turns to liquid, and a hundred insects come falling through.
“Joke”You'd be so proud of me. I stopped eating the calzone a few minutes after it started making me feel sick. Then, of course, I realized I only had a few bites left…of the first half, so I ended up eating the whole rest of it a few minutes later. Can you drive me to the hospital?
Story Quote"Over time and with no family, this wild side of him took over, and there seemed to be no hope that he could ever live amongst others, of any kind. The regular wolves could tell that he was different, and they wanted no part of him." #revisedfables #fishquotes
22
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number eleven: Keep them guessing.
Fake ConversationPsychiatrist: "The voices tell you to do bad things?" // Patient: "Yes, but don't worry. I'm not good at doing what I'm told. You can ask my parents." // Psychiatrist: "I can't, because you murdered them. Did the voices tell you to do that?" // Patient: "No…they told me not to."
LieCollies are notoriously virtually impossible to train. The dog who played Lassie was actually just a really tiny human in a dog suit. The makeup artists were extremely ahead of their time, and I've never felt that they were appropriately recognized for that.
Story Quote"After all, this was something they could not get in the wild. The lion would never rule over anything, as he would have naturally eaten half of everything in there, and the other half if times were tough. This was something special." #revisedfables #fishquotes
23
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number twelve: Don't learn too much about your future.
True StoryI went to Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina to work for The Red Cross, and all I got was this nasty staph infection…plus a great sense of accomplishment, and a better understanding of who I am, as a person, and as a leader.
“Joke”Tom, a hawk, has a story about his case o' diya. He says it's the best diya in the cone tree. I should give up comedy writing.
Story Quote"Was there a way to transcend their nature? Surely they couldn’t become the predators they were so afraid of, and nature never gave them any means to protect themselves. What could they do to feel safer, and not just for one day, but in the long run?" #revisedfables #fishquotes
24
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number thirteen: Never get separated from the people you love.
AphoroidI've learned that I can do anything I want, because I don't want to do anything I can't do.
“Joke”I'm compiling a list of the safest passwords that are practically impossible to crack. You can choose a password from this list, and I guarantee that no one will hack into your account. Don't worry about what I do with the list afterwards, or the fact that the list is public.
Story Quote"A half hour before they were set to leave the mall, however, the teacher revealed that they would indeed be going into the candy store, but that they would be going in together, and in an orderly fashion. The kids were all so very excited." #revisedfables #fishquotes
25
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number zero: Don't be attracted to anybody. You're probably related to them.
NanostoryFew people know much about the obscure comic book antivillain, Acid Reflex. But many will recognize the catchphrase he uttered every time he killed someone he deemed unworthy of this world by shooting them with his deadly chemicals: "Ya basic."
“Joke”My dad accidentally mowed over my pet rabbit. But it's okay, because she was pregnant, so we'll have a bunch of rabbit babies here in a month or so. Oh wait, no!
Story Quote"The Nexus replica building possesses a central heating system, but no matter what, it can never raise the temperature any higher than negative forty. External forces are constantly trying to freeze the whole place, so this is as good as it gets." #salmonverse #fishquotes
26
Fake ConversationDragon: "We don't lay eggs. We give live birth, just like you, because we're mammals, just like you. We may have some reptilian features, but we're not lizards." // Explorer: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know." // Dragon: "Really? What did you think these were, if not my breasts?"
NanostoryYa know, it's been 15 years. If I saw, and somehow recognized, him…I'd punch him in the stomach. And when he's hunched over in pain, I'd uppercut his chin. And when he's leaning back, I'd stick my ankle behind his, and knock him down. Then I'd hit him again! Yeah, I'm still mad!
“Joke”I've been holding my breath for the last two years out of protest against something I've forgotten by now. I was going to make a joke out of this, and say it was three years, but that would have been too unbelievable.
Story Quote"The reasons they remained were never recorded, but they might have had sentimental value to the people in charge of destroying them, so that was probably how they survived. Most were apparently too innocuous for the government to bother with them now." #salmonverse #fishquotes
27
Character TriviaVito Bulgari never saw himself falling in love with anyone on the crew of The Prototype, and as an immortal, figured he would forever be alone. Then he met a man on one of his missions named Burton. He wasn't a fighter, but he was a good passenger. Together…they were Burito.
LieEver since I made my first billion, people have been asking me to invest in their companies. I keep telling them I don't even know what a venture capitalist does. Then I have to politely interrupt them to rescind my accidental invitation to explain venture capitalism to me.
Random NothingWake up and smell the benzene.
Story Quote"The others said it was rude and inconsiderate, but if they were being honest with themselves, perhaps they would realize that they were mostly upset because they had felt obligated to come. She wasn't afraid to make her own decisions, like they were." #revisedfables #fishquotes
28
Canon TriviaWe have a different name for vampire slayer. We call them murderers. You can't just go around killing people you don't like. Not only is it immoral, but it's also illegal, and not just illegal, but a hate crime.
LieHere's a question I remember having to solve in my sixth grade math class: one man is in a bathroom. Two more men, who are talking to each other, walk in as well. How many buttholes are in that room? Five.
Good Questionn movies, they use a blacklight to check for blood, urine, sweat, saliva, semen, or other organic substances. My question is, if those are the only things that show up under those conditions, what are the set designers using to fake it for the scene? Or is it is fake at all?
Story Quote"The cycle of violence had to end, and both of them knew it. Neither believed the other should concede first. It was just that each worried the other wouldn't take kindly to a truce, and that it might make things worse. But someone had to risk it." #revisedfables #fishquotes
29
Fictional TriviaThere's a universe out there where people are invincible right up until the deaths of both of their parents. It's impossible to outlive your own children. More to the point, it's more difficult to die before you've matured enough to propagate the species.
LieIt's illegal to show a license plate in a film or TV show, even though the number will never be used. The penalty is so low, however, that production studios just pay the fine. They actually work it into the budget, and plans have never been altered based on these expenditures.
Random NothingJust ONCE, I would like to buy four dozen muffins, and get through them all on my own before they get moldy! Is that so much to ask?
Story Quote"Their luck ran out when the mule slipped on a wet rock, and fell to his side. Luckily, he wasn’t hurt, and was able to stand back up. In fact, he felt better than ever, because much of the salt had spilled into the stream, to be lost forever." #revisedfables #fishquotes
30
Character TriviaWhen Stephen Berg was a kid, he went to a fireworks show, and used his sound manipulation ability to prevent the fireworks from making any noise at all. He did this just to freak everyone out, and it worked. It wasn't the last time he pulled a prank like this.
Fake ConversationMan: "Hello, I would like one sex with her, please." // Celebrity's Assistant: "She does not consent." // Man: "No, it's okay. I'm a man, see?" // C.A.: "Put that away, sir." // Man: Oh, but a woman can breastfeed in public! Such a double standard! This is outrageous and unfair!"
“Joke”It's best to check your vehicle's oil while it is in motion. I can teach you the best steps for this, but remember that you're going to want a friend to help you. It's, of course, possible to do it on your own, but that would be insane.
Story Quote"When they arrived at his place, he sat his new friend at the table while he started a fire, and prepared a nice meal for them to eat together. Once the porridge was ready, he sat down himself, and started to eat. He didn’t even notice how hot it was." #revisedfables #fishquotes
31
Character TriviaEllie Underhill was named after her father's favorite adult film star. He never told his wife this. She would not have a problem with the woman herself, or her profession, but she wouldn't appreciate her baby having any connection to such an adult-oriented industry.
True toryOn multiple occasions, people have invited me to places they weren't actually going. They framed it as if it were an invitation, but it was more of a suggestion for me to go somewhere by myself. They did this unironically, and without malice. This is a sincerely true story.
“Joke”Base jumping, mom. Not freebasing. I can't believe you called the cops on me without asking me to clarify. You need to bail me out, and I am not paying you back.
Story Quote"The fox couldn't remember where he had gone wrong in his life, or how he had generated such a terrible reputation, but he wanted to change that. Yes, this prey looked tasty, but he also desperately needed friends, and that had to be more important." #revisedfables #fishquotes

February 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
Character TriviaDarko sometimes used his power to thread objects through time to do mundane things. One time, his neighbor lamented that a restaurant switched their order with someone else's, and refused to fix it. So Darko went back in time, and switched them back himself. No one ever knew.
Little Song🎵We are the champions! WE are the champions! We have time for losers, because that's what champions do; they protect people who can't protect themselves! Everyone's using that word wrong, and it's really starting to get out of hand!🎵
“Joke”My parents were hippies, so yes, my legal name is Laurel Soulfate. #shavingcreamjokes
Story Quote"Arcadia scoffed. You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.' She reached down to the ground, and lifted the fabric of space like it legit was indeed fabric. She slipped under the magic curtain, and let it fall back into place behind her." #salmonverse #fishquotes
2
Canon TriviaEven centuries in the future, people will still have access to an Ancient Media Services location, which will allow them to develop film, convert DVDs to new digital formats, and process other old technology, in case one happens to come across something like that.
NanostoryMy sideview mirror shows there's too much traffic. I check the rearview mirror…there's literally no one behind me. I look through the windshield…every single car is the exact same make and model as mine. It's storming in the other sideview mirror. I turn my head…pitch black.
“Joke”Well, in OUR language, Oikos sounds like oinkos, and it's pigs. Also in my language, we read left to right, up to down, which makes that drug called BA Bayer ER.
Story Quote"This meant that every time they encountered him, they would know him a little bit more, and he would know them a little bit less, so Mateo couldn't help but feel that that was just a little bit sad. No one else seemed to have strong feelings about it." #salmonverse #fishquotes
3
Canon TriviaDwarves were engineered to survive on heavy worlds. Elves were created in an attempt to remove vampiric weaknesses. Werewolves ultimately derived from an attempt to make animals smarter, while savons were meant to increase human intelligence. And giants? Giants were a mistake.
Fake ConversationMe: "The good news is, the doctor confirmed, I do have a staph infection again." // Mother: "How is that good news?" // Me: "Wait, no…that's the bad news." // Mother: "Then what's the good news?" // Me: "The what?"
Lie?I had such a repressed childhood, I went crazy in my twenties. I assassinated six people for the CIA before my handler was like, "you don't work here. Who are you? Who is this guy? Me? I thought he was with you. Hey, who invited this guy to Langley! Where did you get that badge?"
Story Quote"Yes, the wolf was indeed planning to invade the farm, and take some chickens. But he wasn't going to be greedy about it. Now things were different. Now he had a vendetta, and he felt that he had no choice but to make things so much worse at the farm." #revisedfables #fishquotes
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Character TriviaBefore he connected with Bellevue, Hosanna Katz performed a handful of small shows where he would find a random audience member, and let them make unique movements (often dancing) on the other side of a partition. He would then use his ability to mimic them blindly in real time.
LieI built a log cabin with my bare hands back whenever log cabins were first being built. I don't feel like researching the history just for the sake of this dumb fictional story. Anyway, I've been adding to it little by little every year. It's about the size of Milwaukee now.
“Fake” ConversationThis F***ing Guy: "Uhh…I usually sit there." // Me: "Well, I usually don't talk to Mormons, yet here I am with you. I guess we all make sacrifices, huh?"
Story Quote"When she stepped out of her hole the following morning, the sun’s light fell upon her head, and cast a long shadow on the ground before her, making her ears look even larger than they normally did. She even convinced herself that they were horn-like." #revisedfables #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaIt certainly seems like my ego has caused me to elevate myself to god-status, but the truth is that all gods are godlings, and all godlings are gods. Being the substrate which houses an entire universe of other beings is actually one of the most mundane things in the bulkverse.
Random NothingArgh! I was staring at her cleavage, when I really should have been looking at her ring finger. That's what really matters. Rookie mistake.
Fake ConversationMe: "I need another fast food job like I need a ninth hole in my head." // Parole officer: "Ninth? What's the eighth hole?" // Me: "We don't have that kind of relationship yet."
Story Quote"This quite nearly caused the group to disband, and head their separate ways, but the black bear had an idea. All they needed to do was travel north, to a land where the animals knew nothing about them. They needed to regain their element of surprise." #revisedfables #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaThe potential threat from the Ochivari prompted a huge change to Earth's infrastructure. While at its worst, the entire planet could be evacuated in under a day, Project Airtight shrunk that number down to an hour. It took a lot of work, though. Everyone in the world had to move.
LieI was the last human born on Mars.
RantThe science says that a person, on average, farts about 14 times a day. I'm finally above average on something. If it sounds like a joke, and it smells like a joke; that doesn't mean it's a joke. This is not a joke. Fourteen is extremely low, and it pisses me off that it's true.
Story Quote"The gnats, on the other hand, continued to travel from house to house. Whenever they exhausted the resources they had found there, there was nothing else they could do but move on to the next. Some houses were kept cleaning, and were no good." #revisedfables #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaOut of universe: I named the Honan Islands after a character I once had named Honan Lee Star, who was some kind of god-like figure. He has since been removed from canon, but I saw no reason to change the name of the islands. It seems fine enough, though now there's no backstory.
NanostoryWe give priority to people who put their names on their project request forms. For any project you receive with no name, go ahead and fill the order. When they arrive to question why it hasn't been delivered, that's when you shove the form up their butthole. But still apologize.
“Joke”Time Traveler 2 came out tomorrow? I haven't even seen Time Traveler 4 yet!
Story Quote"The other birds heeded the raven’s warning, and did not leave one single hemp seed on the ground. Months later, however, the birds found themselves being swept up in a hemp net. They asked for the raven to explain, but she did not understand." #revisedfables #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaI came up with a quote for one of my novels that goes, "it is not enough to refuse to fight! You must show them that you love them more than they hate you!" I never actually put it in the book, or decided which character would say it. It's just dangling alone in my notes.
Fake ConversationTed: "The hot dog/hot dog bun conundrum is easy. You have to buy enough to reach the lowest common denominator. The real question is why three-hole punches don't align the holes with binder rings." // Ned: "Ted, you have your three-hole punch set wrong. See? Here." // Ted: "Oh."
Hard TruthI wrote this tweet to open your eyes, and make you realize that the movie #SausageParty doesn't make any sense. People eat food in the grocery store all the time. There are free samples, and people test the grapes. Some even have cafés. They would know. They would have to.
Story Quote"It was pleasantly intuitive. What Pribadium built, and how she built it, made so much sense—and so elegantly exploited known properties of physics—that it was actually shocking no one had invented time travel before her. Hogarth was finished in a day." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaThere is no explanation for the portal cave that connects Thālith al Naʽāmāt Bida, Tau Ceti with Earth over nine hundred years ago. There's no backstory where a dying time traveler crawls in there, and imprints his power on the rocks. It just exists. It's random, with no meaning.
Hot TipIf you're in a leadership position at a company, and you receive an email that warns you there's something wrong with your product, but fixing it will cause you to lose money, always reply with something like, "no hablo ingles." Because those emails WILL go public.
Lie?I'm spending a lot of time inventing the future. It would suck without me. I'm pretty sure I've already told you this.
Story Quote"Well, sabbatical probably wasn’t the right word, because he was still taking other fares; he was just limited to which ones he could accept. The customer had to be close to where Favid was working that day, and their destination had to be close too." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaOne of my first short stories was called Free Fall. It's about a guy whose ship explodes in orbit. He survives that, the vacuum of space, and even a fall to the ground. I learned years later it was an accidental (read: oblivious) scifi ripoff of An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge.
Fake ConversationBag: "300 calories per serving." // Me: "Oh, that's really good for a bag of chips this size. What is a serving?" // Bag: "One-quarter of a chip." // Me: "Why would you do this to me?" // Bag: "I do it for the lulz."
“Joke”I've never understood the term "man cave". Men are the only ones allowed to enter caves anyway.
Story Quote"The fisherman needed to learn that good things would come to those who wait. A small catch wasn't better than nothing if he had to put too much effort into it. He was better off being patient, and waiting for something more rewarding…more useful." #revisedfables #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaWhen I first became a writer, I decided on five rules: no invisibility, no shapeshifting, no time travel, no magic, and a fifth one that I can't recall. I've broken three of the others. I even built a whole franchise about time travel. But I still don't do magic. I never will.
NanostoryOne time, I pooped, and I couldn't get away from it. I just kept kicking and kicking at it, but it was so hard to swim, because I was pressed between two microscope slides. I might be thinking of a video I watched about tardigrades.
“Joke”This reminds me of the time I was suffering through the Seven-Year Apocalypse. I was tugging at my survivor-buddy's collar. "Go! Run! It's gaining on us!" // Then Michael Cera shouts, "it's okay, I'm not a zombie!" // "I know!" I yell back. "Don't...stop," I instruct my friend.
Story Quote"The animals continued to argue, but did not yet resort to violence. Surely it was coming, though, and everyone was secretly afraid of what that might mean for them and their families. As things were deteriorating, both sides noticed something strange." #revisedfables #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaI've read about the rituals some famous writers do to get their work done. They'll write exactly ten pages a day, or always wear the same thing. I never thought that was rational. I write in different ways, at different times, under different conditions. I want to be versatile.
Random NothingI'm starting to feel human emotion. It's a lot like regular emotion, except that you people care too much about paint color.
Random NothingIt took me so long to figure out how to lo that I've forgotten how to behold.
Story Quote"They had no problem with it, because the statue didn't have any feelings, but the burro did. There was no point in ruining his day, and the truth was that he was pretty great anyway, so it wasn't like they were lying to him. It made everyone happy." #revisedfables #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaI set what I thought would be my first book in the Bermuda Triangle, but that's so overdone, so I moved it a Tolkien setting, but that canon doesn't belong to me, so I moved it to the southern Pacific Ocean, but that seems overused too, so now it's in the northern Pacific Ocean.
Random NothingI'm going to get redemption on my enemies.
“Joke”Dinner at a fancy restaurant: whatever the market will hold. A ride-sourcing vehicle back to your place: whatever the market will hold. An on-demand movie: whatever the market will hold. Spending time with the woman you love: she's a sex worker, so whatever the market will hold.
Story Quote"We can learn to live in a world without war. We can achieve peace without it, and we can maintain that peace without the threat of it. The world has been changing ever since it coalesced, and I see no reason for it to stagnate just because we're here." #revisedfables #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaI named the main character (Christopher Clark) of one of my books after explorer Christopher Columbus, before I was fully woke to his misdealings. I was kind of married to the name, though, so I switched it to Saint Christopher, and that ended up informing his storyline greatly.
Fake ConversationCop: "We have you now. We dusted the murder weapon, and found your finger prints to be all over it." // Suspect: "Now I know you're lyin'. My prints should only be on the trigger. Someone else loaded the gun for me, and I was wearing fingerless gloves the whole time. Pwned."
Story QuoteIn April of 2016, I started reserving the early afternoon nanofiction slot for a quote from that day's upcoming story. I don't think that works well with #interviewtranscripts, though. I'll instead be giving you a brief introduction to that day's interview subject. #fishquotes?
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Canon TriviaSince there is no sun, they contrived an arbitrary calendar, and made it confusing just to exercise control over their slaves. There are 91 seconds to a minute, 53 minutes to an hour, 19 hours to a day, and 6 days to a week. Each of 13 months has anywhere between 15 and 35 days.
Fake ConversationMy Parole Officer: "Well, he wasn't always my twin. We didn't become brothers until we were in our twenties." // Me: "When you say brother, you just mean that you…" // Parole Officer: "There's too much stigma attached to biological rebirth. The delivery ceremony was beautiful."
“Joke”There is no such thing as blindness. People you think are blind actually just have the power to see air, which is all around, so it appears black. If you put them in a vacuum, they would see fine…for about thirty seconds, then they would die.
Story Quote"It has been longer than five minutes for me. After you told me that you weren’t responsible for your son’s death by means of the hundemarke, I took a little detour, and investigated the timeline to corroborate your story. That was about a month ago." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaEach Craft engagement begins with a Prompt, which alerts the system that a command is being made, and also which class. This is, of course, followed by the Command, and finished off with the Execution. Only a few key engagements, like korlo and oshwrlé, don't have three parts.
Fake Conversation"Does your dog bite?" I ask the man. "No," he replies. I bend down to pet his dog, and of course he bites me. "I thought you said he didn't bite!" The man smiles. "I lied. Now you have been marked for death. He will give you a one hour head start. I suggest you start running."
“Joke”I was born alone. Not even my parents were there.
Story Quote"You saved thousands of lives when you killed Hitler, which went on to affect millions more. Few are aware of your involvement, but billions are aware that it happened. Without time travel, would humanity have survived up to today? I’m not convinced." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaIn the Maramon language, the word for 'new' is 'onda', while the word for 'beginning' is 'ondali', because everything that begins is indeed new. The original term for 'new beginning' was, of course, 'onda ondali', but because of its poor cadence, eventually became 'dali dali'.
NanostoryThere's pretty much always someone following me. They're doing it for varying reasons, none of which involve actually catching up to me, or hurting me. They're not necessarily connected to each other in any way, and I've never met any of them. I don't mind anymore.
Random NothingIf you only learn one thing from me, let it be that if the oldest person ever dies, everyone else is already dead.
Story TeaseA high school graduate seeks employment as a public transportation inspector. This is the first step in his ultimate goal of becoming an airplane inspector. He's worried the interviewer won't want to hire someone who doesn't plan on sticking around forever. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaWhenever anyone at the package sorting facility where I worked years ago needed to stop the conveyor belt to catch up, I would quickly jot down one of these jokes or nanofiction stories on the back of a receipt, but I forgot dozens during the times no one needed to stop the belt.
NanostoryThe first trailer for the movie was just everything from the first two and a half minutes of the movie. The rest of the movie took the story in a completely unpredictable direction, and didn't resemble the trailer at all. The second trailer was totally unrelated deleted scenes.
“Joke”Assignments are in. Stand by your shuttle when your name is called. Freddie, Mercury Unit. Milo, Venus Unit. Frank, Moon Unit. Marshall, Mars Unit (think it through). Robinson, Jupiter Unit. Hotaru, Saturn Unit. Poseidon, Neptune Unit. Heinrich, Uranus Unit. Mickey, Pluto Unit.
Story TeaseA reporter interviews a man desperate to found a new political party, which he is hoping to use as a mean of banning all religious practice in the entire country. He has not been too terribly successful so far in generating support, but he is not giving up. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaEvery device in any universe that has ever been used to manipulate space or time is based off of a single reality-warping invention. It is so complex, however, that each inventor only ever comes up with one use for it. No one has even come close to completing the entire machine.
Fake ConversationMe: "She's not all that. She's exclusively a bag of chips. I'm in love with a bag of chips." // Wife: "This bag right here?" // Me: "Yes, I'm sorry. You and I are over. Wait, what are you doing? Melissa. What are you doing? Put it down. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
“Joke”I was trapped in a radioactive sauna for two hours…and now I have the power to watch pots as they boil.
Story TeaseA housewife is trying to find just about any job she can get. She has been out of work for the last two decades, and feels that employers aren't taking her seriously. She's smart, and had tons of experience before her first child, but that may not be enough. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaThe planet of Dardius was named after Sanctuary's first rescue, Dardan Lusha. The star system that it's in (Beorht—which means 'bright') was named after the planet's once-owner, Gilbert Boyce. The galaxy name, Miridir comes from Meliora Rutherford Delaney-Reaver's four initials.
NanostoryI walk up to the chimpanzees, and shout, "hey!" They freeze; one with his fingers halfway in his mouth, while the other was checking his insta. I say, "it's fine that you groom each other, but you don't have to eat it!" They stare a moment, then go back to what they were doing.
Random NothingI just like the taste of folic acid. I've been taking it for years.
Story TeaseA mediocre high school student doesn't even bother applying to any college but the one that's thirty minutes away. But when he gets to the interview, he finds that he may still struggle with higher education, even if he's only going to an in-state school. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaDespite the culture's steady technological progress, space exploration stalled out in the Kartean universe when the Nexa were discovered. They suddenly had access to a few dozen planets, and it didn't occur to many people that they ought to look for even more habitable worlds.
NanostoryI took one of those ancestry DNA tests, and so did my parents. We discovered that I share 33.333333% of my DNA with my mother, 33.333333% of my DNA with my father, and 33.333333% of my DNA with some guy named Gabriel. I never met him, and he hasn't been responding to my messages.
“Joke”Daisy: "Dad, I've always found it strange that you put two of my chew toys on your feet before you go outside."
Story TeaseA college dropout has remained confident in his decision, and refuses to let anyone tell him he made the wrong choice, or even that it limits his options. He's been holding firm to his beliefs, even though it's meant many times that employers won't hire him. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaOnce I decided that Mandy Alto's ability to enter people's dream was based on the idea that dreamworlds are literal worlds our minds create when we sleep, I pretty much instantly realized that Joseph's amazing technicolor dreamcoat must allow him to travel across the multiverse.
“Joke”If you're too embarrassed to poop at the office, you can always leave and poop at home. Your employer legally can't discipline you for leaving work to poop at a different location, even if you're paid by the hour. Please note, this loophole does NOT apply to blue collar jobs.
Paraphrased ConversationConservative: "Climate change isn't real. Damn, why is it so hot? It's February! And why are there so many forest fires? How do they start? And does anyone feel like hurricanes are worse than they used to be? Climate change was fabricated by the Chinese to sell fortune cookies."
Story Quote"He stared at Pribadium forever, though it did look like he was buying both the fake names she made up for her and Vitalie, and the idea that they were federal agents. He also seemed to want to believe that Cassidy could possibly be involved with them." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaI rarely have any clue how I'm going to finish a story, and even when I think I do know, I end up changing directions in the middle of it. I spent so many years carefully planning my mythology that, when I started this website, I didn't know what to do with all this uncertainty.
NanostoryMembers of the press, thank you for coming. We have reviewed the matter internally, and determined that the employee's behavior was in violation of none of our policies. We will be taking no disciplinary action against him. I gave him a raise. Thank you again.
“Joke”An Escher circle is when the radius, diameter, perimeter, and area of a circle all equal the exact same value. I keep one in my kitchen.
Story Quote"After Mateo attended his own memorial services, he returned to Machu Picchu to find that only two minutes had reportedly passed since he departed. Leona had evidently not been worried during this time, which he had to admit having mixed feelings about." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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