2020 Story Archive





January 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
Character TriviaLauren Gardner loves the band Nirvana. Her wearing of a particular Nirvana shirt in 1979 that wouldn't exist until the 1990s is what alerted Samson Bellamy to the fact that she too must be a time traveler.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "How are things going?" // Me: "Well, it's been a pretty bad day. @realDonaldTrump was elected president." // Parole officer: "That was over three years ago." // Me: "Yeah, and he's still the president, isn't he? It doesn't suck any less after all this time."
“Joke”I think some humans are attractive. I'm human too. See? Here's my coffee cup. Don't drink it, though, not because it's filled with gear lubricant, but because it's mine. Who wants to see me pick something up with my human hands? I've been progra—I mean, I can pick up many things.
Story Quote"Life is not a series of snapshots, sewn together to tell a story, and easily teased apart when you want to tell a shorter part of the story. The whole story is what holds the lesson. Don’t take me to mean you can’t ever share stories. Just be careful." #revisedfables #fishquotes
2
Canon TriviaUnlike in fiction, werewolves aren't humans who turn into wolves. They're wolves who turn into humans. They generally prefer the human form, only reverting while pregnant, ill, injured, or dead. There are those who prefer to sleep as wolves, and those who never appear as humans.
NanostoryI walk out of the bathroom to find a man who looks exactly like me, but maybe a day older. He seems exhausted. He reaches over to my bed remote, and lowers it to the flat position, and then the power goes out. "Thank you," I say. Then I get some sleep, so he never has to exist.
Random NothingOkay qué bien dice It's your brother or using a Mac.
Story Quote"But the rabbit did not let go of this. He had already beaten all of the other animals in the forest in races, and the tortoise was the only one left. He knew he could beat him too, but he desperately wanted to prove it, so there could be no question." #revisedfables #fishquotes
3
Canon TriviaThe heartbeat garby is a type of bird with an unusually low-toned call, rhythmed eerily close to that of a human heartbeat. They are considered good omens in many cultures. They are not to be confused with the heartbacked grapalin, which makes no sound audible to humans.
Fake SpeechYou think because you're bigger than me, you can push me around. Well, so can a car, but I don't cower from the car; I take control of it. And I can do this, because I'm smarter than the car. In case you're not getting it, you're the car in this metaphor. I'm still the driver.
“Joke”German is the ugliest language in the world. No, I'm not saying that because we used to date, and it broke my heart. I mean, the reason I know it's ugly is because we used to date, but it's not…it's just—*sigh*. I'm not explaining myself right.
Story Quote"She would sing him sweet songs, and he would tell her fun stories. The cunning cat even figured out how to open the bird’s cage, so she could fly free when their owner was not home. One night, the owner left some chestnuts to roast under the fire." #revisedfables #fishquotes
4
Canon TriviaThe Environmental Margin Scale (EMS) is the only temperature scale of its kind. Its creators mark 0% at a level just below the coldest ever experienced on their world, and 100% at just above the hottest. It is only useful for planetary weather, and illustrative purposes.
Fake ConversationA Meet-Cute in one act. Guy: "Do you have OCD too?" // Girl: "What's OCD2?" // Guy: "OCD as well." // Girl: "Meaning that you have OCD too?" // Guy: "No, I have OCD1." // And scene. I wrote this not long after I found out I had OCD, back in single digits.
“Joke”In Great Britain, they refer to the restroom as a "toilet". Trying to write for a British character, I wanted him to stick his head into the restroom, but ended up accidentally typing, "he pooped his head into the toilet" and now my whole canon just got a lot more complicated.
Story Quote"This was their opportunity to start fresh, and to make the new world as they wished Earth could be. The problem was that everyone in those early days was from Earth. They still couldn't ignore all that history; good OR bad. They could do better, though." #salmonverse #fishquotes
5
Character TriviaThe Voss family tree is noted for its coincidental adherence to the Fibonacci sequence. Hall Voss was born in 2005, while Mireille Travert was born in 2008, and so and, and so forth, until reaching Xearea Voss in 2089. Camden Voss ruins the sequence by being born in 2077.
Dumb DittyI'm a happy, happy happy, happy, happy, happy frog! I am hopping, hopping, hopping, hopping all around the bog! Won't you come around to play? You could come here everyday! Then we'll fall down, like a log! Happily, we'll hoppiling, until we see the sun's last ray!
“Joke”Which one do you like best? The frog in my throat has a frog in his throat. The frog in my throat has a human in his throat. The frog in my throat is on vacation. The frog in my throat called in sick, but he was out of vacation days, so I suspect he's just on vacation.
Story Quote"Mateo felt that he couldn’t argue. It wasn’t right that she was forcing them to nurse someone else’s baby, but anything he said might sound like mansplaining. They could fight it themselves, if they wanted to, but he just needed to keep his mouth shut." #salmonverse #fishquotes
6
Canon TriviaThe first native in any population must have an entire generation between them and the death of the latest-living original immigrant. Basically, they cannot be alive at the same time as anyone who was alive at the same time as an immigrant.
Random NothingDorser = Horse; Maibord = Bird; Kidteh = Cat; Poperdew = Dog; Bun'na = Rabbit; Snaker = Snake; Peego = Pig; Cheekawn = Chicken; Feeshor = Fish; Lurkey = Turkey; Cauer = Cow; Telayfaunt = Elephant; Aidimantosiabear = Bear; Zebbers = Zebra. Momo = Mouse. I have more, if you'd like.
Fake ConversationMe: "I'm sorry, but I felt that she had a right to know you cheated on her." // My parole officer: "I didn't cheat on her. I had an extramarital affair." // Me: "Riiiiight…?" // My parole officer: "Which means it was very marital, because it was with my wife." Ba-dum ching…
Story Quote"After today, they should have saved up enough to buy a new cow, which will increase their yield, and make them even more money. With that, they could buy chickens, and fix the fence, and do all sorts of things to make their farm better and better." #revisedfables #fishquotes
7
Canon Trivia (1/2)On the other planet, driving license cards and collapsible plates are awarded based on skill level. All driving students carry pink licenses. Red license holders can only drive on city streets. Green, blue, and black license holders can drive increasingly fast on highways. (1/2)
Canon Trivia (2/2)Taxi licenses are orange, and striped for speed proficiency. Gray license holders have no maximum speed limit, but can only drive on far lanes on designated highway stretches. Speed limits are marked by colors, which coincide with speed ranges. There is an age component. (2/2)
“Joke”Passerby: "Oh, your dog is so adorable. Is he nice?" // Me: "She's a bitch."
Story Quote"He hopped around playfully, but could not match the dog’s agility. He tried to mimic the dog’s adorable barks and bays, but his voice only came out in screeches, irritating the other animals in the barn. But the donkey did not give up." #revisedfables #fishquotes
8
Random NothingThe United States versus the Theocratic Hallowed Enlightenment Multidominion.
NanostoryWe asked the aliens why they attacked us unprovoked. They said humans attacked them first, so they stole our FTL technology to go back in time, and change history. So we stole their FTL technology, and went back in time to change history. But then they stole our FTL technology…
“Joke”Reading literature about dogs. Experts on dogs really wanna drive home the fact that female dogs are called bitches, like it's mucho importante to them. Maybe we should retire that term? No one hears, "my dog is pregnant" and then asks, "oh, is it a stud, or a BITCH!?"
Story Quote"Just then, they heard the horn of a hunting pack. The humans had broken up into factions, and since there were no more food distribution procedures, they had to go back to the old ways of finding food in the wild. 'Oh, no!' the monkey cried." #revisedfables #fishquotes
9
Canon TriviaThe parsu is a domesticated pig that has much softer hooves, and generally doesn't grow as large as a farm pig, or wild hog. The kaidas is a domesticated goat with similar qualities. The miacid is the oldest canine-feline ancestor, which has somehow survived for millennia.
Dumb Ditty🎤Goodbye, spider // Goodbye, bitch // I will kill you // That's the si-itch // I will crush you; // kill you dead // That's what you heard because // that's what I said!🎤
“Joke”Many years ago, governments were after me because of my superpowers. I used my superpowers to rule the world before, but then governments came to rule after when those powers started waning. I can't figure out how to word this joke to make it both sensical, and funny.
Story Quote"He then witnessed a jackdaw fly down as well, but there were no more lambs on the ground, and it was far too small anyway. Still, it evidently wanted to prove itself as strong as the eagle, so it attempted to lift the ram. The ram didn’t even notice." #revisedfables #fishquotes
10
Random NothingBridging Entertainment, Living, Livelihood, Convenience, Opportunity, Nourishment, and Education. Bringing Everyone Life's Little Convenient Opportunities; Nothing Else. Blooming Expanded Loud Luster.
Aglet of ConversationThen I suddenly realized how strange it was that I hadn't yet created a playlist with my favorite song from each album recorded by each of my current and past favorite bands. So I did what I do best; I made a spreadsheet.
LieThere's a reality where literally every adult is trained as a firefighter, which makes everyone a lot more cautious, and up to code, but that also means there are even fewer firefighting jobs available than there are here, so everyone is positively miserable.
Story Quote"The lion showed up late, thinking he was cool, but the others just thought it was rude. Still, he was the most ferocious of them all, and though he and the animals had called a temporary truce, no one wanted to set him off. It wasn’t worth the risk." #revisedfables #fishquotes
11
Canon TriviaInnerchange is a street drug originally designed to help people who suffer from depression, post dramatic stress disorder, and/or guilt. It allows you to feel like all of the bad choices in your life were actually good choices. It is in the form of a silver hexagonal prism.
True storyI once asked someone a question in French. She responded with "jeune c'est pas". We're not friends anymore. #truestory
“Joke”I can tell what kind of person you are just by asking whether you recall how to spell "slaughter" by adding an "s" to "laughter" or if you remember how to spell "laughter" by removing an "s" from "slaughter".
Story Quote"His only hope was to be rescued by Dardius, where he could live in Sanctuary forever; safe and content—still separated from his family—but at least alive, and that was all his parents wanted. But even living here, things couldn’t be so easy for him." #salmonverse #fishquotes
12
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number one: Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
Random NothingThe gross grouse grossed a gross of gross growths.
“Joke”I just opened my drawer and noticed I'm low on underwear. I know I didn't eat them all this week. I think my infant son has figured out how to climb up there.
Story Quote"They ended the hug, and enjoyed a moment of silence together. // 'I would hug you too, Mateo said, 'but that feels inappropriate.' // 'Come here,' Nerakali said to him. So they hugged as well, and it wasn’t inappropriate, or awkward, or uncomfortable." #salmonverse #fishquotes
13
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number two: Never be surprised, but never assume you already have the whole story.
Lie?A future that promises ubiquitous 100% memory recall treatments will inevitably lead to an hourly news update broadcast called "My Brief Encounter With Nick Fisherman Before He Became King of Earth". Too many stories will go something like, "he made me feel really uncomfortable."
“Joke”Sometimes I shimmy out of my pants like I'm a slender person in skinny jeans.
Story Quote"For one evening, the dingo decided to play a prank on the crane. She invited him over for dinner, like she had so many times, but the crane soon realized that he would not be able to eat the stew. She had placed it on an only moderately deep platter." #revisedfables #fishquotes
14
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number three: Keep track of everything you do, and everyone you meet.
“Joke”Nick Fisherman marked himself safe during the #CrisisonInfiniteEarths. #Supergirl #Batwoman #TheFlash #Arrow #LegendsofTomorrow
True StoryI had to watch some of the advertisements on TV, because I couldn't switch my phone to the TV remote app until the advertisement from this game I'm addicted to stopped playing first.
Story Quote"When he opened it up, he found a punch card for a restaurant two states away, an insurance card that was turned totally illegible by the rain, and a couple hundred dollars. 'Look what we’ve found,' said the one hiker. 'I’ll split the money with you.'" #revisedfables #fishquotes
15
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number four: Avoid alternate versions of yourself.
Fake SpeechI'm sorry for the miscommunication. I realize now I should have been more clear. You must have thought that—since I have such short hair—your brainwaves can penetrate my skull, and I can read you mind. This is all my fault. You shouldn't have had to say out loud what you needed.
“Joke”Rewatch #ParksandRecreation. Drink everytime Tom Haverford says or does something that you think Aziz Ansari would in real life, now that we have some perspective and context. Take another drink if it also makes you cringe.
Story Quote"Well, the ape—being not a man—did not know human language very well, and she certainly could not read. She had only heard the humans mention it a couple of times, but since it wasn’t important to her, she hadn’t really paid attention." #revisedfables #fishquotes
16
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number five: Treat everyone you meet with respect, as they may unexpectedly return.
NanostoryI have three hours and fifty-nine minutes of oxygen left. I can hold my breath for exactly one minute. My next tweet will be my last. It will be a joke, but it won't be very good, because I'm running out of oxygen.
“Joke”I didn't last one day flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant. I didn't even last one minute, mostly because I never tried. I told you it wouldn't be very good. See ya later. Or no, I won't. #literallydead
Story Quote"The ladybug scoffed, and moved on. She was too young to know the cold. Weeks later, winter came indeed, leaving the ladybug with no food to eat. All the aphids were overwintering as eggs. She flew over to the ant colony, and begged them to let her in." #revisedfables #fishquotes
17
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number six: Do not relinquish control of your own life.
“Joke”I'm set in the future.
“Joke”Police Officer: "Well, in that case, you're arrested." // Me: "For what?" / / Police Officer: "You just admitted to dropping acid the other day." // Me: "Yeah, it burned right through the table. I've already paid for the damages. Is the lab pressing charges?"
Story Quote"The ignorance annoyed the boar. 'I need to sharpen my weapons now, so that when the fighting does come—as it inevitably will—I'll be ready,' he tried to explain. 'You know what they say, if you want peace, prepare for war.' He went back to sharpening." #revisedfables #fishquotes
18
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number seven: Pack the essentials, and always keep them within reach.
LieI come from an alternate reality where the character of Superman is considered to be the best comic book villain of all time. This was a creative choice that National Comics made after Adolf Hitler's son, Todd started World War III. Stan Lee was fifteen years old at the time.
“Joke”I experience all too much joy from zooming into someone's selfie, and making out the phone they're using in the reflection of their sunglasses.
Story Quote"He agreed to never return. It didn't matter how much time passed, or how many things changed; that was a promise he didn't want to break. Still, this was his best friend they were talking about. How could he not be there? It would be disrespectful." #salmonverse #fishquotes
19
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number eight: Never do anything without having an answer for why.
LieI memorize the serial number for every single bill of currency that comes into the store where I work. I wasn't asked to do that, but what good is my genius-level intellect if I don't use it to prepare for a one in one thousand instance of fraud? It certainly can't hurt.
Fake ConversationMe: "I've been taking benzene every night to get to sleep. Not only is it not working, but I keep getting sick." // Doctor: "Do you mean benzos?" // Me: "No, the label definitely says benzene." // Doctor: "You should be dead."
Story Quote"According to Nerakali, there was nothing they could do for the mission quite yet. The problem was, whenever they claimed they were on a day off of some kind, that was when some giant interruption came to attack them. What was it going to be this time?" #salmonverse #fishquotes
20
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number nine: Gather as much information on the future, and your future, as possible.
LieI'm licensed to practice medicine in every country, but I'm only licensed to pilot an aircraft over The Vatican. I can only fly in circles; it's really boring. If I accidentally find myself crossing the border, I have to jump out, or get arrested by the Italian government.
“Joke”I've learned that, following the kidney transplant surgery I had on Tuesday, I'll be on a ten pound lifting restriction for the next six weeks. That's going to make it really difficult to go to the bathroom.
Story Quote"Now, the fish he caught were large, which were great, but he noticed that a great many smaller fish escaped his clutches. He was not happy with this. He wanted to get all the fish he possibly could, so he went back home, and started weaving a new net." #revisedfables #fishquotes
21
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number ten: Stay active.
NanostoryThere's no one else at the intersection, but another car, honking behind me. A beetle chases a small spider across my windshield. I tap the glass, just to make sure it's not on the inside, and it's not. Then the glass turns to liquid, and a hundred insects come falling through.
“Joke”You'd be so proud of me. I stopped eating the calzone a few minutes after it started making me feel sick. Then, of course, I realized I only had a few bites left…of the first half, so I ended up eating the whole rest of it a few minutes later. Can you drive me to the hospital?
Story Quote"Over time and with no family, this wild side of him took over, and there seemed to be no hope that he could ever live amongst others, of any kind. The regular wolves could tell that he was different, and they wanted no part of him." #revisedfables #fishquotes
22
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number eleven: Keep them guessing.
Fake ConversationPsychiatrist: "The voices tell you to do bad things?" // Patient: "Yes, but don't worry. I'm not good at doing what I'm told. You can ask my parents." // Psychiatrist: "I can't, because you murdered them. Did the voices tell you to do that?" // Patient: "No…they told me not to."
LieCollies are notoriously virtually impossible to train. The dog who played Lassie was actually just a really tiny human in a dog suit. The makeup artists were extremely ahead of their time, and I've never felt that they were appropriately recognized for that.
Story Quote"After all, this was something they could not get in the wild. The lion would never rule over anything, as he would have naturally eaten half of everything in there, and the other half if times were tough. This was something special." #revisedfables #fishquotes
23
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number twelve: Don't learn too much about your future.
True StoryI went to Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina to work for The Red Cross, and all I got was this nasty staph infection…plus a great sense of accomplishment, and a better understanding of who I am, as a person, and as a leader.
“Joke”Tom, a hawk, has a story about his case o' diya. He says it's the best diya in the cone tree. I should give up comedy writing.
Story Quote"Was there a way to transcend their nature? Surely they couldn’t become the predators they were so afraid of, and nature never gave them any means to protect themselves. What could they do to feel safer, and not just for one day, but in the long run?" #revisedfables #fishquotes
24
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number thirteen: Never get separated from the people you love.
AphoroidI've learned that I can do anything I want, because I don't want to do anything I can't do.
“Joke”I'm compiling a list of the safest passwords that are practically impossible to crack. You can choose a password from this list, and I guarantee that no one will hack into your account. Don't worry about what I do with the list afterwards, or the fact that the list is public.
Story Quote"A half hour before they were set to leave the mall, however, the teacher revealed that they would indeed be going into the candy store, but that they would be going in together, and in an orderly fashion. The kids were all so very excited." #revisedfables #fishquotes
25
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number zero: Don't be attracted to anybody. You're probably related to them.
NanostoryFew people know much about the obscure comic book antivillain, Acid Reflex. But many will recognize the catchphrase he uttered every time he killed someone he deemed unworthy of this world by shooting them with his deadly chemicals: "Ya basic."
“Joke”My dad accidentally mowed over my pet rabbit. But it's okay, because she was pregnant, so we'll have a bunch of rabbit babies here in a month or so. Oh wait, no!
Story Quote"The Nexus replica building possesses a central heating system, but no matter what, it can never raise the temperature any higher than negative forty. External forces are constantly trying to freeze the whole place, so this is as good as it gets." #salmonverse #fishquotes
26
Fake ConversationDragon: "We don't lay eggs. We give live birth, just like you, because we're mammals, just like you. We may have some reptilian features, but we're not lizards." // Explorer: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know." // Dragon: "Really? What did you think these were, if not my breasts?"
NanostoryYa know, it's been 15 years. If I saw, and somehow recognized, him…I'd punch him in the stomach. And when he's hunched over in pain, I'd uppercut his chin. And when he's leaning back, I'd stick my ankle behind his, and knock him down. Then I'd hit him again! Yeah, I'm still mad!
“Joke”I've been holding my breath for the last two years out of protest against something I've forgotten by now. I was going to make a joke out of this, and say it was three years, but that would have been too unbelievable.
Story Quote"The reasons they remained were never recorded, but they might have had sentimental value to the people in charge of destroying them, so that was probably how they survived. Most were apparently too innocuous for the government to bother with them now." #salmonverse #fishquotes
27
Character TriviaVito Bulgari never saw himself falling in love with anyone on the crew of The Prototype, and as an immortal, figured he would forever be alone. Then he met a man on one of his missions named Burton. He wasn't a fighter, but he was a good passenger. Together…they were Burito.
LieEver since I made my first billion, people have been asking me to invest in their companies. I keep telling them I don't even know what a venture capitalist does. Then I have to politely interrupt them to rescind my accidental invitation to explain venture capitalism to me.
Random NothingWake up and smell the benzene.
Story Quote"The others said it was rude and inconsiderate, but if they were being honest with themselves, perhaps they would realize that they were mostly upset because they had felt obligated to come. She wasn't afraid to make her own decisions, like they were." #revisedfables #fishquotes
28
Canon TriviaWe have a different name for vampire slayer. We call them murderers. You can't just go around killing people you don't like. Not only is it immoral, but it's also illegal, and not just illegal, but a hate crime.
LieHere's a question I remember having to solve in my sixth grade math class: one man is in a bathroom. Two more men, who are talking to each other, walk in as well. How many buttholes are in that room? Five.
Good Questionn movies, they use a blacklight to check for blood, urine, sweat, saliva, semen, or other organic substances. My question is, if those are the only things that show up under those conditions, what are the set designers using to fake it for the scene? Or is it is fake at all?
Story Quote"The cycle of violence had to end, and both of them knew it. Neither believed the other should concede first. It was just that each worried the other wouldn't take kindly to a truce, and that it might make things worse. But someone had to risk it." #revisedfables #fishquotes
29
Fictional TriviaThere's a universe out there where people are invincible right up until the deaths of both of their parents. It's impossible to outlive your own children. More to the point, it's more difficult to die before you've matured enough to propagate the species.
LieIt's illegal to show a license plate in a film or TV show, even though the number will never be used. The penalty is so low, however, that production studios just pay the fine. They actually work it into the budget, and plans have never been altered based on these expenditures.
Random NothingJust ONCE, I would like to buy four dozen muffins, and get through them all on my own before they get moldy! Is that so much to ask?
Story Quote"Their luck ran out when the mule slipped on a wet rock, and fell to his side. Luckily, he wasn’t hurt, and was able to stand back up. In fact, he felt better than ever, because much of the salt had spilled into the stream, to be lost forever." #revisedfables #fishquotes
30
Character TriviaWhen Stephen Berg was a kid, he went to a fireworks show, and used his sound manipulation ability to prevent the fireworks from making any noise at all. He did this just to freak everyone out, and it worked. It wasn't the last time he pulled a prank like this.
Fake ConversationMan: "Hello, I would like one sex with her, please." // Celebrity's Assistant: "She does not consent." // Man: "No, it's okay. I'm a man, see?" // C.A.: "Put that away, sir." // Man: Oh, but a woman can breastfeed in public! Such a double standard! This is outrageous and unfair!"
“Joke”It's best to check your vehicle's oil while it is in motion. I can teach you the best steps for this, but remember that you're going to want a friend to help you. It's, of course, possible to do it on your own, but that would be insane.
Story Quote"When they arrived at his place, he sat his new friend at the table while he started a fire, and prepared a nice meal for them to eat together. Once the porridge was ready, he sat down himself, and started to eat. He didn’t even notice how hot it was." #revisedfables #fishquotes
31
Character TriviaEllie Underhill was named after her father's favorite adult film star. He never told his wife this. She would not have a problem with the woman herself, or her profession, but she wouldn't appreciate her baby having any connection to such an adult-oriented industry.
True toryOn multiple occasions, people have invited me to places they weren't actually going. They framed it as if it were an invitation, but it was more of a suggestion for me to go somewhere by myself. They did this unironically, and without malice. This is a sincerely true story.
“Joke”Base jumping, mom. Not freebasing. I can't believe you called the cops on me without asking me to clarify. You need to bail me out, and I am not paying you back.
Story Quote"The fox couldn't remember where he had gone wrong in his life, or how he had generated such a terrible reputation, but he wanted to change that. Yes, this prey looked tasty, but he also desperately needed friends, and that had to be more important." #revisedfables #fishquotes

February 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
Character TriviaDarko sometimes used his power to thread objects through time to do mundane things. One time, his neighbor lamented that a restaurant switched their order with someone else's, and refused to fix it. So Darko went back in time, and switched them back himself. No one ever knew.
Dumb Ditty🎵We are the champions! WE are the champions! We have time for losers, because that's what champions do; they protect people who can't protect themselves! Everyone's using that word wrong, and it's really starting to get out of hand!🎵
“Joke”My parents were hippies, so yes, my legal name is Laurel Soulfate. #shavingcreamjokes
Story Quote"Arcadia scoffed. You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.' She reached down to the ground, and lifted the fabric of space like it legit was indeed fabric. She slipped under the magic curtain, and let it fall back into place behind her." #salmonverse #fishquotes
2
Canon TriviaEven centuries in the future, people will still have access to an Ancient Media Services location, which will allow them to develop film, convert DVDs to new digital formats, and process other old technology, in case one happens to come across something like that.
NanostoryMy sideview mirror shows there's too much traffic. I check the rearview mirror…there's literally no one behind me. I look through the windshield…every single car is the exact same make and model as mine. It's storming in the other sideview mirror. I turn my head…pitch black.
“Joke”Well, in OUR language, Oikos sounds like oinkos, and it's pigs. Also in my language, we read left to right, up to down, which makes that drug called BA Bayer ER.
Story Quote"This meant that every time they encountered him, they would know him a little bit more, and he would know them a little bit less, so Mateo couldn't help but feel that that was just a little bit sad. No one else seemed to have strong feelings about it." #salmonverse #fishquotes
3
Canon TriviaDwarves were engineered to survive on heavy worlds. Elves were created in an attempt to remove vampiric weaknesses. Werewolves ultimately derived from an attempt to make animals smarter, while savons were meant to increase human intelligence. And giants? Giants were a mistake.
Fake ConversationMe: "The good news is, the doctor confirmed, I do have a staph infection again." // Mother: "How is that good news?" // Me: "Wait, no…that's the bad news." // Mother: "Then what's the good news?" // Me: "The what?"
Lie?I had such a repressed childhood, I went crazy in my twenties. I assassinated six people for the CIA before my handler was like, "you don't work here. Who are you? Who is this guy? Me? I thought he was with you. Hey, who invited this guy to Langley! Where did you get that badge?"
Story Quote"Yes, the wolf was indeed planning to invade the farm, and take some chickens. But he wasn't going to be greedy about it. Now things were different. Now he had a vendetta, and he felt that he had no choice but to make things so much worse at the farm." #revisedfables #fishquotes
4
Character TriviaBefore he connected with Bellevue, Hosanna Katz performed a handful of small shows where he would find a random audience member, and let them make unique movements (often dancing) on the other side of a partition. He would then use his ability to mimic them blindly in real time.
LieI built a log cabin with my bare hands back whenever log cabins were first being built. I don't feel like researching the history just for the sake of this dumb fictional story. Anyway, I've been adding to it little by little every year. It's about the size of Milwaukee now.
“Fake” ConversationThis F***ing Guy: "Uhh…I usually sit there." // Me: "Well, I usually don't talk to Mormons, yet here I am with you. I guess we all make sacrifices, huh?"
Story Quote"When she stepped out of her hole the following morning, the sun’s light fell upon her head, and cast a long shadow on the ground before her, making her ears look even larger than they normally did. She even convinced herself that they were horn-like." #revisedfables #fishquotes
5
Canon TriviaIt certainly seems like my ego has caused me to elevate myself to god-status, but the truth is that all gods are godlings, and all godlings are gods. Being the substrate which houses an entire universe of other beings is actually one of the most mundane things in the bulkverse.
Random NothingArgh! I was staring at her cleavage, when I really should have been looking at her ring finger. That's what really matters. Rookie mistake.
Fake ConversationMe: "I need another fast food job like I need a ninth hole in my head." // Parole officer: "Ninth? What's the eighth hole?" // Me: "We don't have that kind of relationship yet."
Story Quote"This quite nearly caused the group to disband, and head their separate ways, but the black bear had an idea. All they needed to do was travel north, to a land where the animals knew nothing about them. They needed to regain their element of surprise." #revisedfables #fishquotes
6
Canon TriviaThe potential threat from the Ochivari prompted a huge change to Earth's infrastructure. While at its worst, the entire planet could be evacuated in under a day, Project Airtight shrunk that number down to an hour. It took a lot of work, though. Everyone in the world had to move.
LieI was the last human born on Mars.
RantThe science says that a person, on average, farts about 14 times a day. I'm finally above average on something. If it sounds like a joke, and it smells like a joke; that doesn't mean it's a joke. This is not a joke. Fourteen is extremely low, and it pisses me off that it's true.
Story Quote"The gnats, on the other hand, continued to travel from house to house. Whenever they exhausted the resources they had found there, there was nothing else they could do but move on to the next. Some houses were kept cleaning, and were no good." #revisedfables #fishquotes
7
Canon TriviaOut of universe: I named the Honan Islands after a character I once had named Honan Lee Star, who was some kind of god-like figure. He has since been removed from canon, but I saw no reason to change the name of the islands. It seems fine enough, though now there's no backstory.
NanostoryWe give priority to people who put their names on their project request forms. For any project you receive with no name, go ahead and fill the order. When they arrive to question why it hasn't been delivered, that's when you shove the form up their butthole. But still apologize.
“Joke”Time Traveler 2 came out tomorrow? I haven't even seen Time Traveler 4 yet!
Story Quote"The other birds heeded the raven’s warning, and did not leave one single hemp seed on the ground. Months later, however, the birds found themselves being swept up in a hemp net. They asked for the raven to explain, but she did not understand." #revisedfables #fishquotes
8
Canon TriviaI came up with a quote for one of my novels that goes, "it is not enough to refuse to fight! You must show them that you love them more than they hate you!" I never actually put it in the book, or decided which character would say it. It's just dangling alone in my notes.
Fake ConversationTed: "The hot dog/hot dog bun conundrum is easy. You have to buy enough to reach the lowest common denominator. The real question is why three-hole punches don't align the holes with binder rings." // Ned: "Ted, you have your three-hole punch set wrong. See? Here." // Ted: "Oh."
Hard TruthI wrote this tweet to open your eyes, and make you realize that the movie #SausageParty doesn't make any sense. People eat food in the grocery store all the time. There are free samples, and people test the grapes. Some even have cafés. They would know. They would have to.
Story Quote"It was pleasantly intuitive. What Pribadium built, and how she built it, made so much sense—and so elegantly exploited known properties of physics—that it was actually shocking no one had invented time travel before her. Hogarth was finished in a day." #salmonverse #fishquotes
9
Canon TriviaThere is no explanation for the portal cave that connects Thālith al Naʽāmāt Bida, Tau Ceti with Earth over nine hundred years ago. There's no backstory where a dying time traveler crawls in there, and imprints his power on the rocks. It just exists. It's random, with no meaning.
Hot TipIf you're in a leadership position at a company, and you receive an email that warns you there's something wrong with your product, but fixing it will cause you to lose money, always reply with something like, "no hablo ingles." Because those emails WILL go public.
Lie?I'm spending a lot of time inventing the future. It would suck without me. I'm pretty sure I've already told you this.
Story Quote"Well, sabbatical probably wasn’t the right word, because he was still taking other fares; he was just limited to which ones he could accept. The customer had to be close to where Favid was working that day, and their destination had to be close too." #salmonverse #fishquotes
10
Canon TriviaOne of my first short stories was called Free Fall. It's about a guy whose ship explodes in orbit. He survives that, the vacuum of space, and even a fall to the ground. I learned years later it was an accidental (read: oblivious) scifi ripoff of An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge.
Fake ConversationBag: "300 calories per serving." // Me: "Oh, that's really good for a bag of chips this size. What is a serving?" // Bag: "One-quarter of a chip." // Me: "Why would you do this to me?" // Bag: "I do it for the lulz."
“Joke”I've never understood the term "man cave". Men are the only ones allowed to enter caves anyway.
Story Quote"The fisherman needed to learn that good things would come to those who wait. A small catch wasn't better than nothing if he had to put too much effort into it. He was better off being patient, and waiting for something more rewarding…more useful." #revisedfables #fishquotes
11
Canon TriviaWhen I first became a writer, I decided on five rules: no invisibility, no shapeshifting, no time travel, no magic, and a fifth one that I can't recall. I've broken three of the others. I even built a whole franchise about time travel. But I still don't do magic. I never will.
NanostoryOne time, I pooped, and I couldn't get away from it. I just kept kicking and kicking at it, but it was so hard to swim, because I was pressed between two microscope slides. I might be thinking of a video I watched about tardigrades.
“Joke”This reminds me of the time I was suffering through the Seven-Year Apocalypse. I was tugging at my survivor-buddy's collar. "Go! Run! It's gaining on us!" // Then Michael Cera shouts, "it's okay, I'm not a zombie!" // "I know!" I yell back. "Don't...stop," I instruct my friend.
Story Quote"The animals continued to argue, but did not yet resort to violence. Surely it was coming, though, and everyone was secretly afraid of what that might mean for them and their families. As things were deteriorating, both sides noticed something strange." #revisedfables #fishquotes
12
Canon TriviaI've read about the rituals some famous writers do to get their work done. They'll write exactly ten pages a day, or always wear the same thing. I never thought that was rational. I write in different ways, at different times, under different conditions. I want to be versatile.
Random NothingI'm starting to feel human emotion. It's a lot like regular emotion, except that you people care too much about paint color.
Random NothingIt took me so long to figure out how to lo that I've forgotten how to behold.
Story Quote"They had no problem with it, because the statue didn't have any feelings, but the burro did. There was no point in ruining his day, and the truth was that he was pretty great anyway, so it wasn't like they were lying to him. It made everyone happy." #revisedfables #fishquotes
13
Canon TriviaI set what I thought would be my first book in the Bermuda Triangle, but that's so overdone, so I moved it a Tolkien setting, but that canon doesn't belong to me, so I moved it to the southern Pacific Ocean, but that seems overused too, so now it's in the northern Pacific Ocean.
Random NothingI'm going to get redemption on my enemies.
“Joke”Dinner at a fancy restaurant: whatever the market will hold. A ride-sourcing vehicle back to your place: whatever the market will hold. An on-demand movie: whatever the market will hold. Spending time with the woman you love: she's a sex worker, so whatever the market will hold.
Story Quote"We can learn to live in a world without war. We can achieve peace without it, and we can maintain that peace without the threat of it. The world has been changing ever since it coalesced, and I see no reason for it to stagnate just because we're here." #revisedfables #fishquotes
14
Canon TriviaI named the main character (Christopher Clark) of one of my books after explorer Christopher Columbus, before I was fully woke to his misdealings. I was kind of married to the name, though, so I switched it to Saint Christopher, and that ended up informing his storyline greatly.
Fake ConversationCop: "We have you now. We dusted the murder weapon, and found your finger prints to be all over it." // Suspect: "Now I know you're lyin'. My prints should only be on the trigger. Someone else loaded the gun for me, and I was wearing fingerless gloves the whole time. Pwned."
Story QuoteIn April of 2016, I started reserving the early afternoon nanofiction slot for a quote from that day's upcoming story. I don't think that works well with #interviewtranscripts, though. I'll instead be giving you a brief introduction to that day's interview subject. #fishquotes?
15
Canon TriviaSince there is no sun, they contrived an arbitrary calendar, and made it confusing just to exercise control over their slaves. There are 91 seconds to a minute, 53 minutes to an hour, 19 hours to a day, and 6 days to a week. Each of 13 months has anywhere between 15 and 35 days.
Fake ConversationMy Parole Officer: "Well, he wasn't always my twin. We didn't become brothers until we were in our twenties." // Me: "When you say brother, you just mean that you…" // Parole Officer: "There's too much stigma attached to biological rebirth. The delivery ceremony was beautiful."
“Joke”There is no such thing as blindness. People you think are blind actually just have the power to see air, which is all around, so it appears black. If you put them in a vacuum, they would see fine…for about thirty seconds, then they would die.
Story Quote"It has been longer than five minutes for me. After you told me that you weren’t responsible for your son’s death by means of the hundemarke, I took a little detour, and investigated the timeline to corroborate your story. That was about a month ago." #salmonverse #fishquotes
16
Canon TriviaEach Craft engagement begins with a Prompt, which alerts the system that a command is being made, and also which class. This is, of course, followed by the Command, and finished off with the Execution. Only a few key engagements, like korlo and oshwrlé, don't have three parts.
Fake Conversation"Does your dog bite?" I ask the man. "No," he replies. I bend down to pet his dog, and of course he bites me. "I thought you said he didn't bite!" The man smiles. "I lied. Now you have been marked for death. He will give you a one hour head start. I suggest you start running."
“Joke”I was born alone. Not even my parents were there.
Story Quote"You saved thousands of lives when you killed Hitler, which went on to affect millions more. Few are aware of your involvement, but billions are aware that it happened. Without time travel, would humanity have survived up to today? I’m not convinced." #salmonverse #fishquotes
17
Canon TriviaIn the Maramon language, the word for 'new' is 'onda', while the word for 'beginning' is 'ondali', because everything that begins is indeed new. The original term for 'new beginning' was, of course, 'onda ondali', but because of its poor cadence, eventually became 'dali dali'.
NanostoryThere's pretty much always someone following me. They're doing it for varying reasons, none of which involve actually catching up to me, or hurting me. They're not necessarily connected to each other in any way, and I've never met any of them. I don't mind anymore.
Random NothingIf you only learn one thing from me, let it be that if the oldest person ever dies, everyone else is already dead.
Story TeaseA high school graduate seeks employment as a public transportation inspector. This is the first step in his ultimate goal of becoming an airplane inspector. He's worried the interviewer won't want to hire someone who doesn't plan on sticking around forever. #interviewtranscripts
18
Canon TriviaWhenever anyone at the package sorting facility where I worked years ago needed to stop the conveyor belt to catch up, I would quickly jot down one of these jokes or nanofiction stories on the back of a receipt, but I forgot dozens during the times no one needed to stop the belt.
NanostoryThe first trailer for the movie was just everything from the first two and a half minutes of the movie. The rest of the movie took the story in a completely unpredictable direction, and didn't resemble the trailer at all. The second trailer was totally unrelated deleted scenes.
“Joke”Assignments are in. Stand by your shuttle when your name is called. Freddie, Mercury Unit. Milo, Venus Unit. Frank, Moon Unit. Marshall, Mars Unit (think it through). Robinson, Jupiter Unit. Hotaru, Saturn Unit. Poseidon, Neptune Unit. Heinrich, Uranus Unit. Mickey, Pluto Unit.
Story TeaseA reporter interviews a man desperate to found a new political party, which he is hoping to use as a mean of banning all religious practice in the entire country. He has not been too terribly successful so far in generating support, but he is not giving up. #interviewtranscripts
19
Canon TriviaEvery device in any universe that has ever been used to manipulate space or time is based off of a single reality-warping invention. It is so complex, however, that each inventor only ever comes up with one use for it. No one has even come close to completing the entire machine.
Fake ConversationMe: "She's not all that. She's exclusively a bag of chips. I'm in love with a bag of chips." // Wife: "This bag right here?" // Me: "Yes, I'm sorry. You and I are over. Wait, what are you doing? Melissa. What are you doing? Put it down. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
“Joke”I was trapped in a radioactive sauna for two hours…and now I have the power to watch pots as they boil.
Story TeaseA housewife is trying to find just about any job she can get. She has been out of work for the last two decades, and feels that employers aren't taking her seriously. She's smart, and had tons of experience before her first child, but that may not be enough. #interviewtranscripts
20
Canon TriviaThe planet of Dardius was named after Sanctuary's first rescue, Dardan Lusha. The star system that it's in (Beorht—which means 'bright') was named after the planet's once-owner, Gilbert Boyce. The galaxy name, Miridir comes from Meliora Rutherford Delaney-Reaver's four initials.
NanostoryI walk up to the chimpanzees, and shout, "hey!" They freeze; one with his fingers halfway in his mouth, while the other was checking his insta. I say, "it's fine that you groom each other, but you don't have to eat it!" They stare a moment, then go back to what they were doing.
Random NothingI just like the taste of folic acid. I've been taking it for years.
Story TeaseA mediocre high school student doesn't even bother applying to any college but the one that's thirty minutes away. But when he gets to the interview, he finds that he may still struggle with higher education, even if he's only going to an in-state school. #interviewtranscripts
21
Canon TriviaDespite the culture's steady technological progress, space exploration stalled out in the Kartean universe when the Nexa were discovered. They suddenly had access to a few dozen planets, and it didn't occur to many people that they ought to look for even more habitable worlds.
NanostoryI took one of those ancestry DNA tests, and so did my parents. We discovered that I share 33.333333% of my DNA with my mother, 33.333333% of my DNA with my father, and 33.333333% of my DNA with some guy named Gabriel. I never met him, and he hasn't been responding to my messages.
“Joke”Daisy: "Dad, I've always found it strange that you put two of my chew toys on your feet before you go outside."
Story TeaseA college dropout has remained confident in his decision, and refuses to let anyone tell him he made the wrong choice, or even that it limits his options. He's been holding firm to his beliefs, even though it's meant many times that employers won't hire him. #interviewtranscripts
22
Canon TriviaOnce I decided that Mandy Alto's ability to enter people's dream was based on the idea that dreamworlds are literal worlds our minds create when we sleep, I pretty much instantly realized that Joseph's amazing technicolor dreamcoat must allow him to travel across the multiverse.
“Joke”If you're too embarrassed to poop at the office, you can always leave and poop at home. Your employer legally can't discipline you for leaving work to poop at a different location, even if you're paid by the hour. Please note, this loophole does NOT apply to blue collar jobs.
Paraphrased ConversationConservative: "Climate change isn't real. Damn, why is it so hot? It's February! And why are there so many forest fires? How do they start? And does anyone feel like hurricanes are worse than they used to be? Climate change was fabricated by the Chinese to sell fortune cookies."
Story Quote"He stared at Pribadium forever, though it did look like he was buying both the fake names she made up for her and Vitalie, and the idea that they were federal agents. He also seemed to want to believe that Cassidy could possibly be involved with them." #salmonverse #fishquotes
23
Canon TriviaI rarely have any clue how I'm going to finish a story, and even when I think I do know, I end up changing directions in the middle of it. I spent so many years carefully planning my mythology that, when I started this website, I didn't know what to do with all this uncertainty.
NanostoryMembers of the press, thank you for coming. We have reviewed the matter internally, and determined that the employee's behavior was in violation of none of our policies. We will be taking no disciplinary action against him. I gave him a raise. Thank you again.
“Joke”An Escher circle is when the radius, diameter, perimeter, and area of a circle all equal the exact same value. I keep one in my kitchen.
Story Quote"After Mateo attended his own memorial services, he returned to Machu Picchu to find that only two minutes had reportedly passed since he departed. Leona had evidently not been worried during this time, which he had to admit having mixed feelings about." #salmonverse #fishquotes
24
Canon TriviaThree humans with special abilities, and two vampirs, work together to avoid the consequences of a conspiracy and navigate through new territory in other dimensions in a desperate attempt to find home…even if it’s not where they first expected is the premise of a show I created.
LiePeople think that @CourteneyCox wore a fatsuit for all those flashbacks on #Friends, but the truth is that was actually her. She purposely gained and lost as much weight as necessary every time they needed to shoot. If that's not dedication, I guess I don't know the definition.
Open LetterDear my respiratory system, there are other things in my body capable of destroying and purging potentially dangerous foreign particulates. You don't have to expel everything that isn't oxygen. It scares my dog. Signed, the brain that is meant to control you.
Story TeaseA witness in civil court tries to support his best friend in a libel lawsuit from the defendant's neighbor, who claims that a certain social media post of his damaged her reputation, caused her to be fired, and made it difficult for her to find a new job. #interviewtranscripts
25
Canon TriviaI have plans to make Ferdinand Magellan, Virginia Dare, HG Wells, Rasputin, and Vincent van Gogh my characters. I was sure Isaac Asimov was in there somewhere, but now I can't find him. Perhaps I erased him after I featured him as a baby in The Advancement of Mateo Matic.
NanostoryWhen I was 13 years old, I once noticed that my phone's battery level was at 14%, the time was 15:16, the outside temperature was 17°, while the inside temperature was 18°, and my alarm was set for 19:20. This was over a century from now, in the year 2122.
Random NothingThe bottle of vitamin-enhanced flavored water I've been drinking for years tells me I should always shake it first. I never do that. The only time it gets shaken is when I drop it, which is about half the time. My fingers don't bend.
Story TeaseA metal thief is brought into the police station for questioning by a property crimes detective hunting for someone who stole everything from a house that wasn't bolted down. The thief, however, does not have the resources to pull something like that off. #interviewtranscripts
26
Canon TriviaSometimes an idea for a story comes to me, and I have to write it down. I once wrote the first paragraph of a short story that I realized could never expand to be that big. Years later, it became one of my first microfiction entries ever. It's called Slug.
NanostoryLast week, I tried to see a movie. We started thinking something was weird when we were sitting there for 25 minutes, and the trailers were still playing. They ended up just showing us literally about 50 more trailers, and then the house lights went up. We were all cool with it.
“Joke”And as I lay my head down to rest, so too does the fly that was once buzzing around my room. I stopped hearing him as soon as I clapped out the light. I guess we all need our eight hours.
Story TeaseA postal service employee becomes fascinated by the process of security clearance investigation after she's reinterviewed by a clearance investigator, and hears from an old roommate who was questioned about her character. She applies to the same job herself. #interviewtranscripts
27
Character TriviaOdalis Salomon can see other people's memories. He uses his ability to help police verify alibis, but he must protect their privacy. He can only confirm or deny a suspect's involvement in the case at hand. If he witnesses some unrelated crime, he's bound by law to keep it secret.
NanostoryIt was bad enough that I opened my refrigerator and found a bowl completely full of dead flies. But then I sat down to watch TV in my chair, which faces the fridge. An hour and a half later, I open the fridge again, and the bowl is gone. That makes it so much worse.
“Joke”I've been authorized to announce my new television series will be premiering on ABCFamily. No, not Freeform; ABCFamily. The show is about time travel, so in keeping with the themes, we will be sending the broadcast to 2011. Please have enjoyed, it's your fault we'll be cancelled.
Story TeaseA serious actor is trying to take on some lighter roles, but the first project she chooses is criticized for, perhaps, being a bit TOO silly. She is attempting to reframe the narrative by participating in the press junket. It has not been going well so far. #interviewtranscripts
28
Character TriviaFourteen-year-old Carlisa was babysitting six-year-old Felicity when they met twenty-two-year-old Truman in 1983. He and Carlisa had a son named Logan in 1987, but their relationship failed, and Truman would go on to marry Felicity shortly after she became an adult in 1993.
Fake ConversationMe: "If we do this, we could be arrested for conspiracy, and you could lose your job. Not to mention…" // My parole officer: "Not to mention what?" // Me: "Well, if I told you what I don't need to mention, then I will have mentioned it, right?"
“Joke”I used to eat at #Chipotle once every week, but that was costing me too much money, so now I only eat it once a month, usually for the whole last week.
Story TeaseA college graduate applies for a job in a warehouse, but the interviewer is hesitant to hire someone like him when there are so many people looking for work with less education. But the graduate can't find any work in his field, so it's just as hard on him. #interviewtranscripts
29
Character TriviaNot even Bailey himself understands his own amber ability. He can control the limits of his body and mind, adapting them in ways he often doesn't realize are possible until they're necessary. He can hold his breath for hours, navigate the world blind, and—quite frankly—etcetera.
NanostoryI like to go to counter restaurants, pay for my food, and then just throw it all away in the nearest trashcan without a word. I always wear a very neutral facial expression, and make sure they see me, just so they can go home and ask their loved ones why the hell I just did that.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "You know, I've always wanted to live in one of those creepy darkened houses with a graveyard in the back." // Me: "Oh, I have one of those." // My parole officer: "No, you don't. I've seen your yard." // Me: "Oh, you mean marked graves? Nevermind."
Story Quote"Any help they needed they could secure from their various friends and allies, and as the owner of a whole planet, Cassidy would be forever protected from anyone who would do her harm. The trick would be convincing them to agree to it in the first place." #salmonverse #fishquotes

March 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
CharacterTriviaThough she would go on to die countless other times, Erica Phoneix [sic] felt like the first time she was reborn in the glorious fire was the true new beginning. This was when she finally understood what she was, and why she felt compelled to change her name, and shed her old identity.
NanostoryThat's it. That's all she wrote. I don't know why she stopped writing; I've always loved her work. Perhaps she wanted to end her career on a high note. Or maybe she just doesn't have anything more to say. Or she's like Harper Lee, and we'll finally get more in half a century.
“Joke”My mother always used to say, "if you got it, don't flaunt it. Keep the real you hidden from others. Don't let anyone figure you out. The key to spycraft is blending in with your surroundings, and keeping a low profile. Your father and I are secret agents."
Story Quote"While Nerakali was having a depression nap, and Leona was just having a regular nap, Mateo got online, and searched for special events. He wanted to find something light and breezy, but he found it difficult to navigate the 23rd century computer system." #salmonverse #fishquotes
2
Character TriviaWell, if you want the full list, there's Det. Dimitri Orion, Det. Nova Meadows, Cap. Owen Talbots, Cap. Talbot Owens, Cap. Talbot Paquet, Cap. Robin Paquet, Dr. Mag. Det. Haven Epiphany, Det. Silas Panther, Candida Dalliance, and Al. Det. Kaden August. All are subject to change.
LieA sheep's wool isn't made of fur. It's actually a unique substance called fibriactic skin, or fibral dermis. It doesn't hurt them when you sheer it off, but it isn't exactly a pleasant experience either, which explains why they're such assholes all the time.
“Joke”Don't ever shake a present that someone has given you. You don't know what it is; it could be a baby.
Story TeaseA convicted, but recovering, arsonist goes to a hearing for a crime that he not only did not commit, but which may not be a crime at all. He believes the fire to have been started on accident, and not through arson. The judge is listening to him intently. #interviewtranscripts
3
Character TriviaUeslo ka Yef is an autophage, which means her own body will consume part of itself—even including certain sections of the brain—to prepare for battle. The boost in energy obviously comes with a downside. It forces her to enter a fugue state which won't end until the battle does.
Movie PitchA zombie movie where people who are turned still retain the part of their mind that makes them love their hometown (probably Boston). They instinctively don't cross city limits. At the end, survivors make it to the next town over, where people are just like, "hey, what's up?"
Random NothingIf a train leaves the station going 50 km/h at 08:43 heading West, and a car leaves the same station at 08:49 heading East
Story TeaseA young woman is asked a series of questions by a psychologist, but she starts to come up with her own questions, like what the point of it all is, and whether the way she responds is what the interviewer is actually testing. Nevertheless, she answers them. #interviewtranscripts
4
Character TriviaHere is every alias that s/he has ever used (subject to change, if that's where the story takes me): Ed Bolton, a.k.a Ned Bolton, a.k.a Teddy Bolton, a.k.a Eddie Bolton, a.k.a Edward Bolton, a.k.a Theodore Bolton, a.k.a Theo Delaney, a.k.a Téa Stendahl, a.k.a Thea Stendahl.
NanostoryThey should make snow that doesn't fall on the street. What you do is genetically modify a swarm of snow in a controlled environment, force the desired trait to be a dominant gene, then introduce them to the wild, where they will mate with regular snow. A few generations later…
“Joke”If you stuck a lump of coal up Cameron's ass, in two weeks, Cameron would be dead, and the autopsy report would show that he died from having a lump of coal stuck up his ass. It would be your fault, and you would have to keep killing people to hide the truth.
Story TeaseA seasoned reporter is called into his superior's office because of his lack of interest in interviewing an internet personality. The news editor treats their discussion like a journalistic interview, asking questions about why he's reluctant to play ball. #interviewtranscripts
5
Character TriviaLutea Lo Jernigan possesses what is known as an integrant name. You can call her Lutea Lo or Madam Lo Jernigan, but you can't call her Lutea or Madam Jernigan. The "Lo" part is not a middle name, and is never excluded. It is integral to her designation, and part of her identity.
NanostoryI planned the crime so carefully so as to get arrested, convicted, and sentenced to exactly seven years in prison. As soon as I got out, my bad credit score was expired, and I was completely debt free. I don't understand why everyone doesn't do this.
“Joke”He's not my grandfather's dog, he's my grandfather dog. Everyone has two grandfathers, two grandmothers, and a granddog, who's your grandfather, or grandmother, but also a dog. It can be male or female, but you only get one. You don't have those? Your universe is weird.
Story TeaseA hard-hitting and serious journalist reluctantly interviews an internet personality who rose to fame when she started posting video reviews of geeky movies from the perspective of someone who wasn't really paying attention to the story, for comedic effect. #interviewtranscripts
6
Canon TriviaI came up with a series called Back Burner to be a sort of reservoir for all these ideas I had that didn't fit in their own stories, or as part of other preexisting stories. It eventually evolved into its own independent and cohesive story, but now I've begun to split it again.
NanostoryWhat you call the Old Testament, I call the First Testament. The New Testament is the Second. The Qur'an is the third, the Book of Mormon is the fourth. What's the Fifth Testament, you ask? I shot multiple punchlines for this joke. 1984, Ayn Rand books, @chrissyteigen's tweets.
“Joke”One time in college, my high school crush lamented that her TV remote broke, so I bought her a new universal remote online, and had it shipped right to her. Years later, she married someone else, and moved to Ireland. #theincelstruggleisreal
Story TeaseA cop is called to the scene of a brutal crime wherein a six-year-old girl has really, REALLY annoyed her teacher by arguing with him about wearing her hat in class, because of the comfort it provides her. The cop is scared the little girl will murder him. #interviewtranscripts
7
Canon TriviaFull Disclosure: the last story I wrote for my website was INSPIRED by a true story, but not based off of it. I didn't use any names (which I'v not been for this series anyway) and I think I modified the story significantly enough to avoid any legal issues. I mean no disrespect.
NanostoryWhen I fell asleep at the dog park, someone complained. I said that I would watch my dog later, but they didn't understand. I had to explain to them that, once I'm well rested, I'll peer back into the past, and make sure Daisy's okay. What about this are you not getting?
“Joke”Conservative: "I hate liberals, because 'liberal' has the word 'liberal' in it, and 'liberal' means 'freedom' and I hate freedom. I think I may be a fascist."
Story Quote"The Warden reluctantly looked up and over her glasses at a guard on the second level. She raised her hand, and gestured for him to come down, and presumably help transport the other two empardoned ones. Is empardoned a word? Well, it is now." #salmonverse #fishquotes
8
Canon TriviaBefore I became a writer, I dabled [sic] in writing. I came up with a virtual reality story, but realized that if I wanted to make the stakes high, I would have to do so arbitrarily. And it kind of ruined every VR story I've seen since then, including one of my favorites, The Matrix.
NanostoryI don't have a complex. I hover a few inches up, and generate holograms to make it look like my feet are touching the ground, because the air is much softer, and I'm worried about land mines. I have no issues with my height. The holograms are just necessary to keep it a secret.
“Joke”I invented the number zero. It solved a lot of math problems right away, but the Romans were pissed.
Story Quote"They looked over at Mateo, who had already experienced the memorial. He could give them insight into whether this was a good idea, if he were so inclined to divulge such information. 'Uhh…careful, spoilers?' // 'Is that a question?' Nerakali prodded." #salmonverse #fishquotes
9
Character TriviaKierra Kerenza is unfortunately mute, but possesses a language-based amber ability. She acts as a sort of universal translator, so that people who are speaking different languages can understand each other. Her range has increased with age, and could one day cover a whole world.
NanostoryI made an app that takes all your favorite apps—Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat—and destroys them for every user that uses them; not just the ones who download my app. So, I only need one customer. People say, "Nick, you wrote a virus." And to that I say, "hmm…yeah I guess I did."
“Joke”I have magic in my butt, I don't know how to get it out.
Story TeaseA reporter for a local news station attempts to speak to the residents of Twin Hillside who oppose the construction of a new pet care facility called Wags for Days. Each has their own personal reasons for this, but are any of them valid? Here's a hint: no. #interviewtranscripts
10
Canon TriviaSome humans believe that there are hidden genders, who contribute to the birth of a child in their own secretive ways. The mother and father will provide genetic material for the baby, while godlike figures may help create more abstract components, such as the soul, or even love.
NanostoryI got lost in the multiverse, and ended up in a reality where the company we know as Google was named Foogle, because in the many worlds interpretation, any reality that COULD exist, does exist. The company went bankrupt and shut down after Fmail failed to gain traction.
“Joke”At my old job, they only let me use the restroom during my designated breaks, when I would have to clock out. This job is a welcome relief. I can't believe they pay me for this crap.
Story TeaseA wealthy businessman is more bored than he thought he would be after retiring, and moving to Panama. He is seeking a part time job at a nearby resort, not because he needs the money, but because he doesn't have anything better to do. But does he deserve it? #interviewtranscripts
11
Canon TriviaSoon after the astral planes were discovered, scientists realized that astral blue wasn't much harder to access than astral indigo, and so the latter became designated for transportation of waste. So now, no matter what planet you're on, astral indigo will have a certain smell.
Fake ConversationTeacher: "The future has not yet been written." // Me: "The future will never be written. Time is not a script; it's an overpriced improv class."
“Joke”We attack at second light. Because there's first light, then it gets dark again, and gets light once more. It does this a few times before noon, but then it stays light for the rest of the day. What was I saying?
Story TeaseA man who chose to represent himself in a criminal case must now provide the court with his closing argument. So far, the proceedings have not been going well for him, and he's doubting his decision, but he knows that he can't let the jury see his weakness. #interviewtranscripts
12
Character TriviaI always knew that the character of Cody Irving was a transgender female. My problem is illustrating that truth within the text. She lives in a world where almost NO ONE is bothered by it. She would never have to explain herself to others, so it doesn't really come up naturally.
Fake ConversationDiner: "Umm, sir? I don't wanna be that guy, but you're standing in front of the emergency exit." // Me: "So…?" // Diner: "So, it's dangerous. You're blocking people's egress." // Me: "If there's an emergency, I will open the door, and then I'll hold it open for everyone else."
Dumb DittyYou are my sunshine, my only sunshine! Someone destroyed the real sun, and now we only have eight minutes to live!
Story TeaseA grieving mother tries to keep her composure as a homicide detective ask the first questions she'll need answered to begin the investigation into her daughter's death. As they continue, the detective learns that she has a striking connection to the family. #interviewtranscripts
13
Canon TriviaDwarves were genetically engineered to survive in the harsh environment on the heavy world of Darrow. Civilization on the homeworld came crashing down before a single transport ship left the surface. The first group to make this journey had to do so after the end of the world.
Fantasy ConversationMe: "Ugh, that is so irritating." // Passenger: "Excuse me, are you calling my son irritating?" // Me: "Yes. He's screaming." // Passenger: "The change in air pressure is hurting his ears." // Me: "I understand. My ears are hurting too. BECAUSE YOUR CHILD IS SCREAMING INTO THEM!"
“Joke”Actually, young girls' hearts are the only place on Earth where magic can't survive.
Story TeaseA communications major undergoes her third interview for a position at a scientific magazine. Even though she has technically already been hired, they have to get to know her better to place her on the right team. But first, she must learn how it all works. #interviewtranscripts
14
CharacterTriviaWhen Mario Matic and Aura Gardner first met the man they would soon learn was their son in an alternate reality, they both attempted to have their memories of him implanted in their brains. Unfortunately, as salmon, they enjoyed no control over their lives, and were both refused.
Future HistoryLegislation passed in 2053 that outlawed zoos, allotting anyone involved seven years to convert their facilities to animal sanctuaries. Sixteen zoos across the whole country failed the deadline, and had to pay a heavy fine, which was ultimately donated to neighboring sanctuaries.
LieI watch twelve movies a day…fourteen if they're short, and up to sixteen. I did once watch eighty-nine, but that was because I accidentally entered another temporal dimension, and didn't realize it.
Story QuoteShe went through the gamut in under a minute. Sadness that her husband was dead. Happiness that they were time travelers, and he was still alive. Anger that his death was inevitable. Fear that they still didn't know when it was he would actually die. Ugh. #salmonverse #fishquotes
15
Canon TriviaSome have asked how I concluded that the lowest number of people an isolated population needs to survive is 147. Well, you see, it's more complex than that. Those people are never meant to stay isolated forever, but encounter other groups of 400 or 500 a few generations later.
Fake ConversationOld Girlfriend: "Yeah, actually I'm doing pretty great. I'm dating someone new now." // Me: "Really? Someone new? How new?" // Old Girlfriend: "Two weeks." // Me: "Oh my God! You're dating a baby?! You're sick!"
Clever ObservationI've always wanted to ask the Butthole Surfers, what exactly was Sharon's outlook on the topic of disease? That it's bad? Oh yeah, how insightful, Sharon and Sheriee. You two should have a talk show. There are actually a lot of things I wish I could ask the Butthole Surfers.
Story Quote"Leona reached down and retrieved her Cassidy cuff. After she put it back on her wrist, she pressed a few buttons. “We three need to talk,” she said. “Alone.” // Before she could teleport them somewhere, Mateo felt compelled to take hold of newcomer J.B." #salmonverse #fishquotes
16
Character TriviaShadow Skyfern is Merit’s husband. He sees the massive inheritance as an opportunity to turn the company around, and make it more respectable. Unfortunately for him, he finds himself exerting far less influence than he hoped he would. It puts a heavy strain on their relationship.
Fantasy ConversationGuy who pulled all the way forward in a diagonal parking lot: "…" // Me: "Hey, idiot! Now you're pointed in the wrong direction!" // Guy trying to back into a space: "…" // Me: "Hey, idiot! It takes more effort—and more time—to back into a space than it does to back out!"
Fake ConversationClerk: "That'll be $9.23." // Me: "I would like to pay for the meal for the car ahead of me too." // Clerk: "You mean the one that just drove off?" // Me: "Yes, could you reverse time real quick?" // Clerk: "Uhh…that comes with a $45 surcharge." // Me: "That's fine."
Story TeaseA psychologist tries to determine if a defendant can reasonably plead insanity in order to avoid certain punishment for his crime. She starts to question the validity of these claims, however, when her patient spontaneously shifts strategies mid-interview. #interviewtranscripts
17
Canon TriviaThere are three primary species of humans in the biverse: Legitimate, Universal, and Earthan. They can almost never interbreed, for even though they are all human, they are genetically dissimilar enough. Keaton Palmer is an exception to this, and no one has ever figured out why.
Fake ConversationMe: "Ice cream is my kryptonite." // Parole officer: "You're not really using that word right. I mean, maybe it's a psychological weakness, but it doesn't hurt you." // Me: "No, it does. I eat too much ice cream, and I get fat, so I can't kick your ass for trying to correct me."
“Joke”Here's a fun fact: insects don't produce smell. You've probably never thought much about it but you also couldn't tell me what any bug smells like, could you? It's important to learn something new everyday.
Story TeaseAn unskilled laborer has an unremarkable interview with a maintenance supervisor. They just go through the motions until they both realize that all that matters here is whether the candidate is reliable, and sufficiently experienced. It ain't rocket surgery. #interviewtranscripts
18
Character TriviaFermion Charm was born on the quinary planet of Edasme, but dreamed of being closer to the Verge, so he went to school on quaternary planet Xo-ser, and moved to tertiary Ruhje after graduation. He was going to move to Mynung when the Universal Military Force finally accepted him.
NanostoryI've finished the first draft of my new book, about a man who buys a car that doesn't have any USB ports. My publisher has asked me to post an excerpt from it, to give you a taste of what's to come. I think you're gonna find it exciting. "Chapter One: Today…our phones all died."
“Joke”Peter: "Hey Sergeant, pepper? // Sergeant: "No, thanks. But I'll take some salt, Peter."
Story TeaseA new clearance investigator conducts an interview with someone who's never even been outside the city. The job requires a lot of travel, so her application was flagged. She's not done anything wrong, and on it's own, it's not suspicious. It's just unusual. #interviewtranscripts
19
Canon TriviaWhen I started writing The Advancement of Mateo Matic, I didn't know who Mateo was, or what he had done with his life up to that point. If I could go back in time, I would probably give a little bit more background, so the catalyst in the first installment would be more jarring.
Language JokeIf you accidentally take too many steroids, or the league is about to give you a drug test, you can always counteract the effects, and conceal its detection, by taking asteroids.
“Joke”I thought @Chris_Marquette's real name was Chrism Arquette, and that he was related to @DavidArquette, @CourteneyCox Arquette, @RoArquette, @PattyArquette, and Larry David (don't ask me why I thought HE was involved). Yes, Chrism sounds like a weird name, but who am I to judge?
Story TeaseA police captain steps in to interrogate a suspect in a series of murders that use the same M.O. as a series she investigated years ago as a detective. Everyone thinks the suspect is too young to have committed the original murders, but she's not convinced. #interviewtranscripts
20
Character TriviaArden Rivera is a badass, and that's probably the best way to sum up her amber abilities. She was born with coordinated skills that allow her to fight in any hand-to-hand combat situation, remains in peak physical condition with no need to train, and can heal faster than normal.
NanostoryMy species evolved with what essentially come down to taste buds in our butts. Evolutionary biologists claim our ancestors used to be able to detect medical conditions through their own stool, but I hesitate to believe that. I think we were just genetically engineered as a joke.
“Joke”I'm working on a new dating app. Our gimmick is that you can only match with me. So you set up a profile, and if I want to know more about you, I'll let you know. Only $19.95 a month. Good luck.
Story TeaseA sportscaster is given a rare opportunity to interview an athlete who has competed in five sports on a professional level. The 70-year-old man, who is presently a golfer, claims to have something big to announce, the assumption being it's his retirement. #interviewtranscripts
21
Character TriviaWell, you've seen him wink. You've heard people talk about him. You may know who he is already, or maybe not. To many, he's from the future, but depending on who you are, that may just mean the past. Salmon, choosers, humans, allow me to finally introduce you to…Everest Conway.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "Hey, man, you want some of this?" // Me: "Nah, I'm good; never touch the stuff. My body is a temple. The only things I put in it are gluten, high fructose corn syrup, and MSG."
Funny StoryWhen I was in third grade, my best friend—who was three years my junior—sat me down and said, "son…" (he always called me 'son' but never explained why). He said, "son, you have a face for radio…and a voice for print." So I became a writer.
Story Quote"I wish I could tell you some stories about him that I experienced first hand, but he's not yet been through any of that, so I can't muddy the timeline. I can tell you, however, that he never loses that effortless benevolence and compassion he has now." #salmonverse #fishquotes
22
Story QuoteAfter the introductions, this new group of ragtag elites—as Vidar called them—just stood around. Everyone had their own idea of how to move forward, and how they could, as individuals, contribute. So now they all just needed to get it out into the open." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon Trivia[I've had some trouble coming up with good canon trivia to fit in this slot, and remembering to do it. We're living in crazy times, and things are only getting worse. I'll probably have more time on my hands now that everything's shutting down, so bear with me while I catch up.]
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "Do you have cell service when you travel to South America?" // Me: "Si, Claro."
“Joke”I think it's about time the lyricist who wrote that song finally tells us which one is the sea, and which one is the shining sea. I mean, I can guess, but I wanna hear it straight from the horse's mouth. I want her to admit it.
23
Canon TriviaSince Gavix is so old, he's spent a lot of time with some really big projects. He's seeded life all across the universe, and constructed many megastructures. He's also done pointless things, like programming an entire operating system from scratch in binary using a two-drum set.
NanostoryNow, I know I have trouble recognizing people's faces, but I can't be this inaccurate. There's something fishy going on with this plane. I've counted no fewer than eleven flight attendants, walking the aisles. We're only going from Kansas City to St. Louis. We barely need two.
“Joke”Y'all are behind. I already got covid-21. #COVID21, ba-by! This original joke has been brought to you by my mindbrain. Don't google it to see if anyone else already made a similar joke. I certainly didn't.
Story TeaseA newly promoted detective works his first case alone, which he thinks will be fairly easy, but the more he talks with the supposed witness, the more complicated things get, and the more he wonders if he should ask for help from someone with more experience. #interviewtranscripts
24
Character TriviaLincoln's ability to see all of time and space is limited every moment that he uses it. He never sees everything all at once, so when Lamar Prebensen showed up in 2019 from the future, he didn't see it coming. Lamar already knew who Lincoln was, though, and wanted to be friends.
Dog ConversationDaisy: "Why can I sometimes see, and I sometimes can't see very well?" // Me: "It's the sun. It's not always there." // Daisy: "Wull…where does it go?" // Me: "I don't know, man. Go back to chewing your bone."
Fake ConversationBiomedical Technician: "All right, you're gonna feel a little pinch. We have to inject this into your arm before you go through the stargate. It counteracts the dizziness and nausea you would feel otherwise." // Me: "Wait, what is it, exactly?" // BioTech: "It's a gateway drug."
Story TeaseA mediator tries to foster communication between a vandal, and his victim. The vandal does not deny his actions, but he claims that the victim killed his cat. She denies this, but something must have happened, so this is their chance to explain themselves. #interviewtranscripts
25
Character TriviaFor three years, the name on Austin Miller's birth certificate was just the placeholder, Baby Boy. His parents let him name himself, and he chose Hello Doctor, which was a phrase from the movie Aladdin that he couldn't stop saying. He changed it right on his seventeenth birthday.
NanostoryHe looks like that character who shows up in the second season, and while one of the regulars knows there's something wrong with him, everyone else says, "no, he's great." And then in the seventeenth episode, we find out he's a perverse serial killer, but they don't apologize.
“Joke”I was going to post something REALLY funny here, but in the future of the darkest timeline, Nazis found it seventeen years later, and got me kicked off my own film franchise. I won't tell you what I said, but it involved @realDonaldTrump, two dead pelicans, and a bucket of lube.
Story TeaseA tabloid reporter sits down with the city's mayor. The latter has recently been exposed as a regular client of sex workers, but argues that this is not a scandal, because he is romantically unattached, and does not believe that sex work should be illegal. #interviewtranscripts
26
Canon TriviaI sometimes have to change a character's name because a new character comes along who fits it better. I have a rule that no two characters from the same universe can share a name. Crescentia's name used to be Keegan. Keegan's name used to be Tracy. Tracy's name used to be Marcus.
NanostoryI step into the tub to take a shower and discover it to already be wet. The last time I showered was actually 26 hours ago, so it should have had plenty of time to dry, as always. I convince myself it's because of the weather, and don't check the house for intruders. I was wrong.
Dumb Ditty🎤"Mama had a chicken! Mama had a cow! Dad was proud; he didn't care how!"🎤 I'll tell you how: 🎤Mama met a rooster! Mama met a bull! Then the devil cursed her; he was all-powerful!🎤
Story TeaseA high school dropout sets a meeting with his rich neighbor for an investment opportunity. Though he lacks education, he thinks he has a great idea for a small business, but the bank rejected his loan application. Perhaps his neighbor will feel differently. #interviewtranscripts
27
Character TriviaNot everyone with the ability to experience nonlinear time has what one might call a power. There's one person who can feel what it was like to be in the past upon encountering something that was there. She can't see or hear it; just feel the environment. It's usually unpleasant.
Fake ConversationMe: "I followed instructions, and STILL cut myself in the machine, so I'm suing your client. I was watching my fingers the whole time." // Opposing Counsel: "Did you watch to make sure your fingers were OUT of the machine, or did you literally just watch them?" // Me: "Um. Pass."
“Joke”One of my greatest fears is that @StephenKing will happen upon; some of my work, and send me a message, only to tell me that I'm using semicolons wrong.
Story TeaseTwo attorneys let their personal problems interfere with their work in court. The judge calls them into her chambers to help resolve the issue, even though that is not her job at all. In the end, they just need to let it go for now, and stay professional. #interviewtranscripts
28
Character TriviaIn the beginning, many people asked Adelaide Fletcher what he was going to change his name to. He decided not to change it at all. His parents gave him that name, and he loved it, and he loved them. Anyone who thought it was weird probably didn't like transgender people anyway.
NanostoryI'm taking notes to keep up appearances, but I don't care about any of this. My notepad is going to sit on my desk for the next month. Then, when we're about to have our next meeting, I'm going to throw this page in the recycling, and start the whole charade over again.
“Joke”A fly landed on my phone's fingerprint reader, and unlocked the screen. I am looking for grant money so I can begin initial research into the possibility that everyone has what I've decided to call a "bug twin".
Story Quote"Every sentence is a life sentence, because every inmate is either capable of traveling through time, or can find someone who is. Whatever you did to get on their radar is bad enough, at least in their eyes, that you no longer deserve to ever be free." #salmonverse #fishquotes
29
Character TriviaAfter Mateo Matic went back in time, and killed Hitler early, thereby activating the butterfly effect to erase himself from existence, so too was Erotan Blumenthal erased. But this was unacceptable, so someone used the hundemarke to protect him. Then someone blended his brain.
NanostoryMy company has already spent 354 million dollars researching ways to patent a bottle of hand sanitizer that replenishes itself using the alcohol in the air. They've gotten nowhere. I think I overestimated the amount of alcohol that's just naturally floating in the air.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer's girlfriend: "Nick, why do you cook everything at 450°, regardless of what the recipe says?" // Me: "Because the oven doesn't let me turn it to 451°." // I am quite close with my parole officer, and his family. Or hers. Have I mentioned his or her sex yet?
Story Quote"Who was in most need of rescuing, and more importantly, was he competent enough to do it? Nerakali. He wanted to save Leona first, but that was an impractical choice. Time travel was Nerakali’s arena. The responsible thing to do was to get to her first." #salmonverse #fishquotes
30
Character TriviaThey say that you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, but The Juggler was intent on proving that wrong, so he practiced his time power every day for weeks, until he was precise enough to take the egg out, and leave the shell unharmed. Then he became a magician.
NanostoryHe WAS my boyfriend; now he's my pet. He asked a wizard to give him the brain capacity of a dog, so he could see what it was like, but just for two days, and then remember the experience later. The wizard died before he could turn him back. That's why he's sniffing your butt.
Sad ConversationMe: "You have these inside jokes, and never invite me to drinks after work. I just feel like I'm always on the outside, looking in." // Co-worker: "You do? Okay, we'll be more sensitive to that, and remember to keep the proverbial curtains closed, so you can't look in anymore."
Story TeaseA recent lottery winner wants to set up a self-sustaining charitable foundation, rather than just donate his money until it's all gone. He needs an assistant for the endeavor, but he's new to this, so he's not completely sure what—or who—he's looking for. #interviewtranscripts
31
Canon TriviaThe Amaigaben, who originally come from planet Herri, are born with six fingers on one hand. Folk history suggests that this is why they developed a base-11 numbering system (which is otherwise unheard of). So they wouldn't say 100 percent. They would say 121 perunviginticenti.
Dumb DittySweetie pie, I'm your sweetie pie. You're my sweetie pie, and I'm your guy.
Random NothingWe open on an office building cafeteria. There is only one cashier. Two lines form, on either side of her station. She accidentally gives the credit card to the guy on the wrong side. He takes it, and runs off. Bruce Willis spends the rest of the movie chasing after him.
Story TeaseA uniformed officer is attempting to ascertain the basic facts of a crime reported at a residence, but the family living there is being unpredictable. She mostly just needs to know what was stolen, but they want to give her a lot more information than that. #interviewtranscripts

April 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
Canon TriviaWhile the other three superspecies chose their own paths towards technological enlightenment, the Cythereans chose to look inward, focusing on organic body modifications, and genetic engineering, so they could breed the need for technology out of their race. Then they disappeared.
Language JokeDo you feel out of touch with current events? Do your coworkers carry on conversations that you can't follow. Do you just want news summaries? Well, visit my new website for your daily cursory news articles. For all intensive purposes, please seek more comprehensive resources.
“Joke”I was walking down the street, minding my own business. This guy comes up to me, and is like, "have you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart?" And I'm like, "all hail, Lord Xenu." He said, "wrong religion." So I replied, "all religions are wrong!" Then I had sex with a man.
Story TeaseA quiet but determined journalism student sets up an interview for her school newspaper with a high school dropout who is trying to start his own local drone courier service business, but she may have more personal reasons for requesting this assignment. #interviewtranscripts
2
Canon TriviaEvery volume of The Advancement of Mateo Matic has majorly changed the status quo. Vol. 2: new timeline. Vol 3: trapped on an island on another planet. Vol 4: main character shift. Vol. 5: exoplanet exploration. So what's in store for vol. 6? Eh, let's just call it a soft reboot.
Fake ConversationMom: "Son, you've been promising to go to the dentist every time I've asked you for the past four years. Call them today." // Me: "I actually went two days ago. I can prove it. They gave me a toothbrush." // Mom: "Okay, where is it?" // Me: "Oh, I ate it already."
Random NothingSpeaking of cashiers—I mentioned a cashier in a tweet a couple days ago—keep up—every time I say something about cashiers, I have to say cash register as well, because I don't feel like the word "cashier" really sounds like a person. So I have to remind myself it is indeed right.
Story TeaseA young journalism student speaks with her therapist about an encounter she had with an interview subject. He wasn't crude, or anything, but it wasn't the first time a man has completely misinterpreted her professional interest in him, and she needs advice. #interviewtranscripts
3
Canon TriviaWhen aliens first came across them, the Mascos had a hard time communicating through the language barrier. It took a dangerously long time for them to explain that the suits they wore were not to protect them against others, but to protect others against the arsenic-based Mascos.
NanostoryWhen you blow on a dandelion, your saliva adheres to the calyx tissue, and binds your genetic material to that of the seed. When that seed grows into a new dandelion, a part of you remains in its genetic code, like a child. There is a little bit of you…spread all over the world.
Dumb DittyDEVO: 🎤"Crack that whip!"🎤 // Me: "No, thanks. I'm not into that." // DEVO: 🎤"Whip it good!"🎤 // Me: "I didn't sign up for that. I'm just gonna go." // DEVO: 🎤"My safeword is 'alternator'!"🎤 // Me: "I don't need to know that. I respectfully decline."
Story TeaseA film school student wins a contest to be a guest director for a major network television series. She agrees to do an interview with an entertainment channel, but starts getting annoyed when she realizes the interviewer just wants to ask about her gender. #interviewtranscripts
4
Canon TriviaYears ago, I started coming up with a list of a couple dozen alien races. I determined where they were from, and how they came to be. But I've yet to make most of them canon, even in my unpublished works, so I'm not sure if I should keep them around, or rework the whole thing.
Fake ConversationMy Lawyer: "Nick, we're taking evidence photos. We're trying to show the court how brutal the crash was. Stop smiling." // Me: "Sorry, I'm just so used to smiling in pictures." // My Lawyer: "That's not true. I've known you for nineteen years. You've literally never smiled once."
“Joke”I can't decide if I like Frank Grillo, or if I have no strong feelings about Frank Grillo.
Story Quote"Erlendr Preston is not a good guy. If he wants to stop me, he can. If he doesn’t, then it’s fine for me to be honest. In fact, it’s probably best, because I imagine he can tell when people are lying, and I don’t wanna know what he does to those people." #salmonverse #fishquotes
5
Canon TriviaVolpsidia Raske has psychic abilities. She can read minds, and can sometimes control people's actions. She lives in a universe defined by time travel, yet she does not seem to have time powers. Why? Because every universe has psychic abilities. Any human has the potential for it.
LieI'm always the anonymous whatever. I'm the anonymous donor of that hospital wing. I painted that graffiti anonymously. If there's a quote that you don't know who first said it, or it's been misattributed to someone else, that was me too. It's me every time, with no exception.
“Joke”I've seen all seventeen seasons of #HowtoGetAwayWithMurder—it's weird that The Discovery Channel just released all 940 new episodes at once—and I've still not learned how to get away with murder. I get caught every time. And I take good notes. I want my money back.
Story Quote"This could be their one chance to escape, but they were too frightened to do anything. They couldn’t think clearly. They had never been so powerless. But he was thinking clearer than ever, and possessed more power than he had ever known what to do with." #salmonverse #fishquotes
6
Canon TriviaSomething you would have only noticed if you were a diehard fan of my web stories—and to be that, you would have to be a fan first, and a reader even before that—is that Mateo's pattern is one day off in Reality 1, as illustrated in Reavers Wobble. That's about to come up again.
NanostoryHere's something you should know. There's a cabal of demon-worshipers who are trying to possess my body. I don't know why, but it gets harder every day to fight them off. I personally hate onions, and I don't drink alcohol or coffee. If you ever see me consume those, you run.
“Joke”I just caught a huge fish. The weirdest part was that I wasn't even fishing. I was just sitting in my bed. But hey, I don't look a gift fish in the mouth. Free dinner, two nights in a row.
Story TeaseA product surveyor conducts a survey for a new line of pseudomedicinal drinks, but the only people she could get in the door to take her survey are two wacky misfits who are more interested in socializing than helping her company understand their customers. #interviewtranscripts
7
Canon TriviaDeath is final. Your soul only "lives" on, because it is more abstract than physical, and does not "exist" in the same way our bodies and minds do. Any afterlife you uncover when you die, therefore, is a constructed system by advanced technology, rather than a natural phenomenon.
LieI've been to Alderaan. Trash everywhere. Ya know, when you see pictures, or even footage, of the planet, those are really the only good parts of it. And it was clear that those parts were cleaned up just for the advertisements. It's otherwise a garbage world. Would not recommend.
Nanostory"Hi, Nick. Here's the 815-document, 2,300-page project I need completed by 9:00 this morning. Clipped. I'm about to get on a plane, and won't be back in the office for a week, but if I find out this hasn't been collecting dust on my desk for seven days, you're gonna get fired."
Story TeaseA journalist attempts to get some answers out of a local election administrator who has been accused of manipulating district borders to favor particular candidates. The administrator does not deny his actions, but claims that they're not actually unethical. #interviewtranscripts
8
Character TriviaI went to the movie theatre to see We Own the Night in 2007. There's a scene where a boom mic appears briefly. Another audience member also noticed this, and shouted BOOM MIC for us all to hear. I credit this stranger with inspiring the name of my mercenary character, Boom Mike.
Good PointThe word "movie" always sounded dum-dum to me. Like, "when I was a kid, I loved going to see the stillies. I met my wife at a stillie show, ya see. Now these kids these days, all they talk about is the movies. Pretty soon they'll be begging for talkies. It's a travesty—TRAVESTY!"
“Joke”Ugh, I hate it when my wife tells me to do something in person. I can never remember, love. Send me a text message, or even an email. I don't care if we're sitting right next to each other, I need that paper trail.
Story TeaseA data gatherer for an online video news outlet is tasked with asking people on the street their thoughts on the virus' impact on elections. He has instead decided to ask his friends some less intense questions about their experiences with social distancing. #interviewtranscripts
9
Character TriviaI have wanted to do a superhero story for awhile now, where a character uses time-tech in creative ways to fight crime, but there's never been a place. I created The Parallel in order to do a soft reboot, and run such conflicting stories. S/he still needs a vigilante codename.
SomethingHalf of the words in the Indo-European language family are based on several disparate roots, which mean "to turn". This is exaggerated to be fictional, but there's a little bit of truth to it. I'm amending this tweet when I'm meant to be working on canon trivia for yesterday.
“Joke”There's a flaw in the second season of #StrangerThings where they drop a bunch of meat on the ground to lure Dart, the demodog to their trap. I ate it all before the demodogs found it.
Story TeaseA career janitor goes to a security clearance interview. Though he won't be working directly with any sensitive documents, he will have access to the rooms where they're kept, so the company needs to know that he'll only ever do his job, and then get out. #interviewtranscripts
10
Character TriviaOkay, I didn't get to say everything I wanted to when I teased the time-tech superhero yesterday. Not only do I not know his vigilante codename, but I also didn't know his real name. I've since named him Declan Aberdeen, and you'll meet him Sunday (sort of). He's still a baby.
NanostoryI've died many, many times, but I was only ever martyred once. It was the year 1506, and after the angry mob was finished with me, I was left to bleed to death on the steps of a Catholic church. Soon thereafter, I became the patron saint of patron saints.
“Joke”I lived in a sorority house until I was 15. I was 17 before I realized where I had been. I thought I just had over a hundred sisters, each of which would only live with us for about four years. I missed so many good opportunities, lemme tell you.
Story TeaseA focus group moderator shows some teenagers the pilot for a new television series, then asks them questions about what they thought of it. They have some interesting responses, and she wonders whether they're taking it seriously, and if they should anyway. #interviewtranscripts
11
Canon TriviaDwarves—as in, the subspecies—are genetically nearly identical to humans. Latter scientists never figured out what it is about their genetics that make all male dwarves completely hairless, except for their beards, and all the females hairless, except on the top of their heads.
NanostoryA cop pulls me over for speeding. "It's dark and stormy," I explain. "There's too much traffic." She says, "that's why it's dangerous to speed." I say, "no, it's more dangerous to constantly look at my speedometer than it is to focus solely on the road." She throws out my ticket.
“Joke”I took a picture of myself every day for 21 years. Tomorrow…I will not release them. These are just for Lord Xenu, Lord of Science and Justice.
Story Quote"He starts to leave, but I urge him to wait as I’m finding the remote. I see that I'm in a hospital bed, but this just looks like a bedroom. Once I’m sitting up, I catch my breath. I have to help these people however I can. I guess I owe them that much." #salmonverse #fishquotes
12
Character TriviaWhen a Freemarketeer guard—operating on President Treacy's behalf—tried to kill Brooke Prieto as the ship was falling apart, her daughter flipped out, and killed everyone else in the room. At least that's what she thought. One of the guards survived, but he couldn't last forever.
NanostoryI like her, but I don't want to tell her, and I don't want to tell someone else, to tell her. I just want her to figure it out on her own, then cut to a week later, and we're married, and planning our family. I don't much care for all the awkward stuff in the middle.
“Joke”I cut myself on the forehead on purpose, so you would know whether you're looking at me in the present day, or me in a flashback.
Story Quote"That was because he wasn’t talking at all; he was just thinking. Mateo was reading his mind. It must be a secondary power that Nerakali never told him about. He thought hard about how he could exploit this new ability without giving his intentions away." #salmonverse #fishquotes
13
Character TriviaMario Matic has never seen a movie in a theatre, and could come up with a short list of the ones he's seen on home video. He was a huge cryer [sic] when he was a toddler, and his parents never got over it. He started his time missions as a teenager, so it just never happened for him.
NanostoryThen he realized he may not be the only one. Perhaps others had been erased from time, and everyone's memories. "Have you ever heard of @realDonaldTrump?" he asked the man who was once his brother, but who now saw him as a stranger. // "Of course," his once-brother replied. Damn.
“Joke”No, I never said he impregnated me. I said he got me pregnant. He ordered his lieutenant to do it. That's why he's never gone to jail. He has his people commit the crimes—why did autocorrect try to change 'crimes' to 'Chinese'?—and it's nearly impossible to prove his involvement.
Story TeaseA psychologist has a first session with a patient who is very concerned with the bad thoughts he's been having. He hasn't felt like this before, and he's worried that he's turning into a bad person, and that he will one day suddenly act on his compulsions. #interviewtranscripts
14
Character TriviaI had this idea for the Gardner-Bellamy-Bolton story to involve them having to change their own names after each time jump, to avoid people noticing something weird. But they're the only time travelers who seem to have to do this, and I almost regret it as a creative decision.
NanostoryMy boss' nephew is the worst worker I've ever met. He never completes something without screwing it up, and he never acknowledges it. I can't fire him, so I just put him in charge a massive new project that doesn't exist. I spend half my day sending him fake files to analyze.
“Joke”I have some extra melanin, if anybody needs some. Get it while it's cold and dark. This is a seasonal product. Is this racist? This is racist. Who the hell wrote this? I didn't. I sure as hell don't remember it. Everything I post here sounds familiar, but not this. Not at all.
Story TeaseThe judge and jury hear the opening statements for a murder case at the start of the trial. For brevity's sake, I have removed the majority of the prosecutor's opener, from the beginning, and also the majority of the end of the defense attorney's opener. #interviewtranscripts
15
Character TriviaI'm presently working on a way to integrate a character called The Ostracizer into my main-run stories. He can banish anything to a pocket dimension, and retrieve it later. I've mentioned him, but he has never been a real character. Let me know if you have any ideas. LOL, right.
NanostoryYou know those personal traffic drones that everybody has; the ones that fly above your car, and let you see what the traffic looks like from the sky? Those would be a lot more effective if there was some way of distinguishing my car. They all look the same from that high up.
“Joke”Black Person 1: "Do you smell bacon?" // Black Person 2: "Yeah, I do." // Police Officer: *shoots them both* // Bacon Salesperson: *calls 911* // Society: "Blue Lives Matter!"
Story TeaseAn artist goes to an interview for a prestigious art institute. As she and the interviewer discuss her plans, they both start to question whether formal education is the place for her, or if she should pursue a more practical degree, and teach herself art. #interviewtranscripts
16
Character TriviaChristopher Clark is half black.
Fake ConversationLittle River Band: "Have you heard about the lonesome loser?" // Me: "I try not to call people names. It's really rude." // Little River Band: "He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'!" // Me: "Maybe you would choose your words more wisely if you knew what it was like."
“Joke”I had to spend some time as a pollo-pescaterian before I could go full vegetarian. It always takes me awhile to woke. I'm posting this around midnight this morning. Which means I have about eight hours to legit become vegetarian. I had hoped I would have already done it by now.
Story TeaseA marketer runs a one-on-one survey with one of his company's clients, trying to get an idea of what kind of new services people want to see from them in the future. He might find out, though, that they selected the wrong person to participate in the study. #interviewtranscripts
17
“Canon” TriviaI wrote a LOST fanfic in 2005, hoping to be published. There were two books, which I wrote concurrently. It introduced three secret characters, one of whom was the only survivor of the cockpit section. They would all turn out to have surprising connections to the main characters.
“Joke”I'm on a new diet, so I'm not allowed to eat my words anymore, so I stand by my burning hatred of pandas, and I won't hide it just to make everyone else feel safe.
“Joke”I used to think that RPM measured "how many times the engine's crankshaft makes one full rotation every minute, and along with it, how many times each piston goes up and down in its cylinder" but now I know that it's a random number that means literally nothing, and isn't useful.
Story TeaseA gifted high school freshman is given the opportunity to speak with an admissions representative for a very good university, but the interviewer is not so enthusiastic about taking time out of his day for someone who won't graduate for another three years. #interviewtranscripts
18
Character TriviaKalea Akopa was born on January 23, 2017. She was known as the delightful source mage until she disappeared on April 23, 2047. While she always tried to remain optimistic, it wasn't always easy, and she considered her disappearance to be the best thing that ever happened to her.
NanostoryI know it's not considered safe, and I would never recommend this to anyone—I trained for 17 years before they gave me a car, and another 9 before they gave me a phone—but I always drive while texting. If a message comes in, I get in the car, and start driving, before I respond.
Fake ConversationMe: "I know how to say 'it is mine' in Spanish." 'Es mío.'" // My parole officer: "Do you know how to say 'it is yours'?" // Me: "In what context would that ever come up? That doesn't exist."
Story Quote"The condo I bought a long time ago has been used for many different things by many different people. I probably lived there for the shortest amount of time, but I still technically own it. I’m glad it’s been there to help so many people. It is a joy." #salmonverse #fishquotes
19
Character TriviaEseosie Bristol's nickname is Shock Bristol? Why? Well, because I once decided to name a character Seoc. Half of the audio samples I found online seemed to model its pronunciation on "Sean" so it sounds like "shock". The others? Well, they just spelled it out: S-E-O-C. Eseosie.
Fake ConversationMe: "You look like you've seen a ghost." // My parole officer: "What? How so? I'm smiling." // Me: "Yeah. You've never read Casper, The Friendly Ghost?"
“Joke”My comedian friend tried to school me on the difference between a sketch and a skit, after I used the latter wrong. He's a butterfly now.
Story Quote"They just chowed down silently, as if their crazy uncle had just said something ambiguously sexual about his nephew’s fiancée at thanksgiving dinner, but he was helping to pay for the wedding, so no one could argue. This went on for about ten minutes." #salmonverse #fishquotes
20
Canon TriviaWhen two alt versions of the "same" person want to quantum assimilate with each other, they'll only be using one of their bodies. Whichever one they don't use is meant to be abolished to oblivion. It's rare, but this isn't always what happens. The other one sometimes survives.
LieThe average car is built with about 25 parts or pieces that serve no function, or are so pointlessly redundant that the vehicle would actually be better without them. For a semi-truck, that number gets closer to 90. Interestingly enough, a plane will only have about 10.
HypotheticalEvery time you give an answer to one of those "would you rather…" hypotheticals, you are damning a version of you living in an alternate reality to those new dynamic conditions. They have no choice but to live without the internet for five years, or forever drink only lemonade.
Story TeaseA woman is having some legal issues with a business she purchased a product from. She tried getting it resolved directly, but they refused to fix it. She can't afford an attorney, so she's now at the library, hoping to read enough to find a solution herself. #interviewtranscripts
21
Canon TriviaIf a time traveler is sent—whether as prompted by someone, or spirited away against their will—on an adventure through spacetime, and are then returned right back to when and where they were when they left, it's called temporal repatriation. They may remember everything, or not.
Fake ConversationNoble Man: "I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees." // Me: "I would rather rule on my ass. MOAR GRAPES!"
Die Hard XI'm not sure I have Twitter's location settings configured right, but I'm here. I'm not doing one more thing until you let me talk to her, though. I want proof that she's still alive. I wanna hear her voice. Slide into my DMs, or I'm cutting losses, and contacting the police.
Story TeaseA high school junior has a very promising interview at an Ivy League university. As they're talking, they come to believe that they have a mutual friend. The more they get into it, however, they realize this other individual is actual more of a mutual enemy. #interviewtranscripts
22
Canon TriviaOn the other world, all cars are driven on the right side of the road, with the driver sitting on the left. Why? Why does this matter? Well, most people are right-handed, so engineers knew it only made sense to always have the ingition [sic] on the right side of the steering column.
NanostoryI'm not confused about why dogs sniff each other's butts. I just don't understand why it takes so long. When I sniff someone's butt, I fairly quickly gather the info I need (health condition, sexual maturity, etc.) but I don't have to crouch there forever. What's up with that?
ReferenceI haven't gotten to my tape yet. I must be on Tape 8.
Story TeaseA privileged, but not entitled, trust fund kid is bored with his life, and decides he wants to actually contribute to society. He's looking for a job, but no one will hire someone with zero years of experience. This latest interviewer has some ideas, though. #interviewtranscripts
23
Canon TriviaThe most common method of executing craft engagements is with voice commands. This is how the system was built billions of years ago. But some witches can't speak, or would rather not. Instead, they dance, or finger-tut. Yet others like to embellish engagements through melody.
NanostoryThis woman who thought I cut her off, started chasing me down the highway, so I sent her consciousness back in time, to just before she left her house. She would have been too freaked out to leave at the exact same time as she did in the first timeline, sparing me her road rage.
Hard TruthWanna feel old? God is dead.
Story TeaseA family tries to be respectful of an individual who has come to their door for a census survey. The questions seem normal at first, but then get too personal, and they start to question whether he even works for the Census, or if he has some other agenda. #interviewtranscripts
24
Character TriviaAll his classmates wanna know how he's so cool and mature. He's never been in a relationship, and he doesn't have any friends, but everyone likes him. He freely admits he's from the future, trapped in his younger body in the past, because he knows no one will believe him anyway.
NanostoryI think I need better smoke alarms. I never hear them when my house catches on fire. And when I say it catches on fire, I mean when my neighbor SETS my house on fire because I didn't wave to him once. I don't know why I keep moving next to him after each fire burns my house down.
“Joke”How to survive lost in the middle of the desert with no water: uh…you don't. If someone knows where you are, try to wait for them. If not, try walking in the direction of what you think might be civilization, but you're probably gonna die.
Story TeaseA college student isn't happy with her major, and has decided to switch to something else. She sets up a meeting with a potential advisor, hoping to get some help figuring out how to make the transition work, and still graduate on time. It may be impossible. #interviewtranscripts
25
Canon TriviaNo one knows where ret-gone coins come from. Some say they're based on a memory manipulator chooser, such as Tertius Valerius. But flippers aren't just removed from memory; they're removed from time itself. Surprisingly, the best guess is that they're somehow natural phenomena.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "Gross. Why are you doing that!?" // Me: "You see, my species needs energy and nutrition, so we often feel this…well, I don't wanna say hunger, since you obiously don't know what that means." // Parole officer: "No, I mean, why are you eating that wasp nest!?"
Real TalkYou can make any alcoholic drink better by adding a splash of lemon water, then removing all the alcohol, and finally, adding as much more lemon water as you want.
Story Quote"We have to see the miracles, though. My people deserve the truth, and I am the only one who can show it to them. I’ve been coming here ever since, waiting for someone in there to notice, and here he comes. My plan has worked. I’m about to be read in." #salmonverse #fishquotes
26
Character TriviaIt was neither Allen, nor Richard's, dream to open up a restaurant, but it was an idea they started working on after moving in together. It all just fell into place, and before they knew it, they were a popular hotspot downtown. They even had a special section for time travelers.
NanostoryWhen the country made it illegal for a parent of a minor to be active in the military, citzens [sic] thought the population would grow too large, because people did indeed start makin' babies left and right. But with a smaller military…they didn't have to worry about too many people.
Fake ConversationPlumber who was supposed to fix my flooding problem a month ago: "Oh, that's a cool walking stick. My son's in scouts, do you like hiking?" // Me: "Yeah, I was meant to go on a 12-mile hike with my father today, but instead, I'm dealing with this crap. How's your day goin'?"
Story Quote"No, she didn’t appear so much as it was like she was always there, but Mateo had just woken up to find her. He understood, though, that she wasn’t really there at all, but they were about to have a conversation, and this was the best way to do that." #salmonverse #fishquotes
27
Character TriviaHolly Blue summoned her alternate self from another reality using a mirror invention that was only used this one time. After they parted ways, they never laid eyes on each other again. They didn't even happen to run into each other at Mateo's funeral, though they were both there.
Fake ConversationPerson 1: "You look familiar. I know I've seen you before, but where?" // Person 2: "Probably here. We've worked together for the last fourteen years. You hired me." // Person 1: "…nnnnoo, that's not it."
Fake ConversationMe: "Did you notice that Liv Tyler was in two different space movies opposite the same actor?" // My parole officer: "Those were not the same actor. One of them was @BenAffleck." // Me: "And the other?" // My parole officer: "Brad Pitt." // Me: "…okay, say the first name again."
Story TeaseA highly experienced executive has decided to leave his old life behind, and do something simple and rewarding. He didn't have a breakdown, or anything. He just realized he earned as much money as he would ever need, and now he's done with all that stress. #interviewtranscripts
28
Character TriviaWhen Goswin, Weaver, and Briar left Thālith al Naʽāmāt Bida in The Emma González last year in The Advancement of Mateo Matic, I had no idea where they would be headed, or what they would be doing when they arrived. I still don't. I'm sure they'll pop up sometime in the future.
NanostoryI was born 33 years ago today, but I'm actually 37.71431671233 years old, because at 30 seconds to midnight every Saturday, I step into a parallel temporal dimension, which affords me one extra day of the week. Realtime restarts at 30 seconds after midnight.
“Joke”It takes 33 years for my species to digest food, so I have never pooped before. This is frickin' weird. You people do this every year?
Story TeaseA mathematics professor is recruited into a secret branch of the government that she didn't even know existed, because it's not at all overt. She hasn't been convinced it's a legitimate organization this whole time, and the clearance interview isn't helping. #interviewtranscripts
29
Canon TriviaTelepathy is something any human is capable of. It exists on all worlds, in all universes. Yes, even Earthans in Universe Prime can be telepathic. You've probably used it without realizing it. You've never carried on a conversation, but you have formed psychic bonds with others.
NanostoryNever in a million years did I think I would live a million years, but here I am, at my millionth birthday party with all my friends. Of course no one else showed up, idiot. They all died about nine-hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred and twenty years ago.
“Joke”I keep asking people, but no one seems to know what the hell t-freaking-mesis is!
Story TeaseAn actor discusses his retirement with a celebrity interviewer, as if anybody cares. The interviewer tries to remain respectful and polite, but ultimately can't help but reveal that the actor was not contacted for this interview, but he requested it himself. #interviewtranscripts
30
Canon TriviaIn the Composite Universe, there is a distinction between someone who has reached the highest degree in any field, and someone with significant medical expertise and authority. They don't speak English, and the translation is tough, but they don't just call them all "doctors".
Fake Conversation"Police Officer": "Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" // Innocent citizen: "Because I'm black?" // "Police Officer": "That's right! You've won a prize! Here, have a tase." // You: "Nick, I don't think this one is very funny." // Me: "Good."
Random NothingWell, when life hands you lemons, please remember to keep them away from Dr. Rodney McKay. He's allergic. #stargate #stargateatlantis #wewantstargate
Story TeaseAs a company prepares to push into another sector of the market, they first need to check in with their customers, and find out what they've been doing well, what they've done that isn't so appreciated, and how they can improve their policies and procedures. #interviewtranscripts

May 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
Canon TriviaIn some cases, a traveler can move up and down the timeline at will, and cannot alter what has already happened. Most of the time, however, they aren't traveling backwards so much as they are bringing the past up to their present, and moving towards a brand new future from there.
1May FortuneUnfortunately, a lot of people have lost their jobs recently. Fortunately, I was not one of them. Unfortunately, we are all impacted, in some way, by how the economy is doing. Fortunately, I'm personally going to do okay, because I'm a bit of a survivalist. [1/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I have to pee every 42 minutes.
Story TeaseThe discourse that Magnate Representative is having with a group of her company's customers moves on from a general discussion about company divisions, and more specifically about the upcoming and secret robotics division. They're concerned about privacy. #interviewtranscripts
2
Character TriviaThe list of people who have ever crossed over to other universes only goes up to the thousands, though most of them are simply passengers. Some have their own means, like Meliora Rutherford, who figured it out through meditation, and by having been born a powerful time traveler.
May FortuneUnfortunately, I've never really had the money to prepare for a doomsday scenario in the way I've always wanted to. Fortunately, owning a secret underground bunker is probably not the best use of money anyway. Unfortunately, that's bad for a different reason. [2/31] #mayfortune
LieI accidentally yelled at my boss in a text because his and a spam message came in simultaneously, and I unwittingly clicked on the wrong thread. I apologized, but now…he'll never mess with me again.
Story Quote"Sometimes the people I meet don’t even realize what’s happened to them. They don’t know what they are. It is the burden I bear to deliver so much bad news like this. // 'Why’s that?' She’s confused, but she’s about to be scared. It's about to get real." #salmonverse #fishquotes
3
Canon TriviaI have a list of names to use in future stories. Once I finally decide to use one, the idea is to remove it from the list, but I sometimes forget. I accidentally named two characters Indvo. They live in two separate universes, and could never be the same person. What can I do?
May FortuneFortunately, there will not likey [sic] be a single moment that defines the end of the world, like a bolide impact, or a sudden nuclear war. Unfortunately, this means that the end of civilization will come slowly and painfully. Fortunately, it may not happen at all. [3/31] #mayfortune
Fake ConversationMe: "What is this?" // My parole officer: "It's chamomile tea." // Me: "I don't want that garbage. I said chameleon tea." // My parole officer: "You eat weird things, man. First storks, now chameleons. What exactly is wrong with you?" // Me: "I've been on parole for forty years."
Story Quote"Alexina used the sharp end of the earring to prick Leona’s finger, letting only two drops fall onto her pedestal. She then pricked her own finger, and dropped some of her blood. She looked back to watch the vault door behind her swing open on its own." #salmonverse #fishquotes
4
Canon TriviaVampires require human blood, because their natural blood is an inefficient oxygen transporter, and infrared radiation hinders the process even further. But over the centuries, vampires have become less and less dependent on transfusions, and a permanent cure might be possible.
May FortuneUnfortunately, if world's end does come for us, it will happen so gradually that we may not really understand that it's coming. Fortunately, there will almost always be a way to come back from the brink of total destruction. Unfortunately, I said almost always. [4/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I'm Nick Fisherman, and I don't really approve this message. Unfortunately, my FORMER..campaign manager never listened to what I wanted. Welp, he's gone now, so there's a position open, if you want it. No experience necessary. Must be willing to shut up, and do what I say.
Story TeaseA superfan gets the opportunity to interview her favorite self-help author about the follow-up to his hit book about going for what you want without thinking. This second one is more about exploring internal feelings, rather than modifying external behavior. #interviewtranscripts
5
Canon TriviaThere is a planet that is literally inside of the sun. It rolls around periodically, almost as if in an orbital pattern. Surface temperatures are comparable to those found in the core of normal planets, and inhabitants reside in the equilibrium core, where it's relatively safe.
May FortuneFortunately, there are usually some really smart people who have a decent idea of what's going to happen in the future, and how our actions are problematic. Unfortunately, such people may not be loud enough for the majority of us to hear, or for word to spread. [5/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”The @NSAGov just furloughed me. I guess they don't have much need for a psychic who can only read a terrorist's mind if he's touching them to binge @netflix at the black site ten hours a night.
Story TeaseA high school student tries to get a job that he's not exactly qualified for, but his family is desperate for some extra money, and he's hoping the employer is willing to work with him, and get him up to speed. The interviewer isn't sure she has the time. #interviewtranscripts
6
Canon TriviaPrisons, and other means of being trapped, come up a lot in my stories. Characters build holding cells in the most unusual of places, and I mention several facilities regularly. This stems equally from my fear of being unfairly locked up, and my love of clever escape scenarios.
May FortuneFortunately, if the right people hear the right warnings, we can keep things from ending up at a point of no return. Unfortunately, many of these people don't exist, and their positions are currently being held by the willful ignorant, the evil, and the greedy. [6/31] #mayfortune
LieIt's physically impossible to install an elevator on an airplane. It's easy to make a plane with more than one level, but a lift would cause it to take a nosedive everytime it's used.
Story TeaseA journalist interviews a man who, due to new DNA evidence, was recently exonerated of his crime after spending six years in prison. Some believe, though, that he deserves to remain locked up because of the things he had to do to survive while he was inside. #interviewtranscripts
7
Canon TriviaThe rules of havenverse are strict. There are no special abilities, ghosts, aliens, time travel, soft scifi technology, etc. If there is a secret underground the majority of the population in your world doesn't know about, havenverse is if the "ignorant" aren't missing anything.
May FortuneFortunately, no one can maintain power forever, and we will eventually have the opportunity to replace our most ineffective or countereffective so-called leaders. Unfortunately, that takes effort. Fortunately, in this country at least, change is coming soon. [7/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I named my son Captain, so he can marry people.
Story TeaseA single father who already has one full-time job is looking for extra shifts so he can provide for his adopted son. This new dynamic demands a lot more of his time, but also more money, so he's trying to figure out how to balance income with his attention. #interviewtranscripts
8
Canon TriviaSimplex dimensions are a perfect means of traveling faster than light. A higher gravitational pull means faster navigational falling, plex radiation can be harnessed to power a ship midroute, so it always remains at full charge, and on top of all that, it's a beautiful lightshow.
May FortuneUnfortunately, the whole problem with our current situation is that voting presently requires a lot of human interaction, which is not conducive to healthy social distancing policies. Fortunately, there are much safer ways of voting, such as mail-in ballots. [8/31] #mayfortune
Dumb Ditty🎤I don't wanna see you in sorrow. We'll do something fun tomorrow.🎤
Story TeaseA social media influencer has decided that she wants to try her hand at mainstream acting. She's already paid for acting lessons, and now feels ready for a talent agent. The man she's interviewing with, however, may not be working for a legitimate agency. #interviewtranscripts
9
Canon TriviaI devised a logographic language in 2013 for a group of characters who lived several billion years ago. I created dozens of logograms, with related terms having similar structure. For instance, "man" and "boy" look similar, while "man" and "woman" look similar in a different way.
May FortuneUnfortunately, it's in the best interest of the people in charge of our elections to not let us vote safely, which will prevent many from voting at all. Fortunately, there may be enough voters to replace them with better alternatives, regardless of roadblocks. [9/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”It puts the lotion on its skin, or else I'll do this thing where I spray you with water from a hose. From here on out, that will be your punishment for anything you do that I don't like. By the by, I'm Bill, this is my house pit. Nice to meet you.
Story Quote"Someone erased everyone’s memories, but somehow missed me. I decided the law of probability demanded I wasn’t the only one who fell through the cracks, so I spent months trying to find like-minded individuals online, but they never revealed themselves." #salmonverse #fishquotes
10
Canon TriviaSince I have no clue how the logographic language I made up would sound, translating character names to Latin script can become imaginary. Why does Vesna D.D. have an apparent abbreviated last name? Well, she probably wouldn't in her native language, so is it a sex joke, or what?
May FortuneUnfortunately, the system itself is broken, and needs to be changed at a level few are willing to reach for. Fortunately, you can either move forward, or go backwards, but you can't stay in one place for long, because nature won't allow complete stagnation. [10/31] #mayfortune
Language JokeHe's so feral, it's ironic. Ooo, this language joke is a toughy. It's a bit better when you hear it out loud, but I still don't expect most people to get it.
Story Quote"He took one step back, and placed his hand on a panel on the wall. It started heating up a little, and after a few seconds, verified his identity. The panel fell to the floor, revealing a wall safe. He punched in the code, and removed a special weapon." #salmonverse #fishquotes
11
Canon TriviaI don't know what a pocket dimension generator that one would use to extend the available space on a ship would look like. I've always pictured it as about the size of a watermelon, and about the shape of a watermelon. Exactly what powers the generator itself is anyone's guess.
May FortuneUnfortunately, the pandemic might be pushing us backwards, and something like it could one day happen again, and be even worse. Fortunately, I think we are now much better prepared than we were before. Unfortunately, people will still die; some avoidably so. [11/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”It's not fast food, it's fart food, because our marketing team was in a rush to get these new advertisements out, and we never bothered hiring an editor. We are working tirelessly to remedy this situation, and apologize for any distress it has caused our customers, or the public.
Story TeaseIn honor of Mother's Day yesterday, today's installment for #interviewtranscripts is another one between me and my alter ego, just like the introduction to this series. I'll obviously be discussing my mother, and my relationship with her. Normal programming will resume tomorrow.
12
Canon TriviaBack to the ancient logographic language, there is a class of inhabited planets called the Numerics. They're named by alphanumeric characters in a way that only makes sense in English, which again, did not yet exist. One example is F4R-T2O, which is pronounced as "ffourr-ttwoo".
May FortuneFortunately, medicine continues to progress. Unfortunately, if things get too bad, that progression may stop, because there won't be enough of a civiliation left to hold the necessary resources. Fortunately, our species could even survive something like that. [12/31] #mayfortune
Fake ConversationMe: Well, first, the male in the couple will get down on one knee to symbolize this one moment when the female is in control. Once she accepts, he will stand up, and take back the power for good." // Alien: "What about same-sex couples?" // Me: "For them…chaos."
Story TeaseA college senior gets an assignment to come up with a new app idea. Since he has no idea what he could do, he's asked a small group of people to come feed him suggestions, hoping at least one of them has a good proposal. They might even design it for real. #interviewtranscripts
13
Canon TriviaI wrote a profile a few years back about a guy named Ulysses Juno who could essentially teleport oxygenated air into his lungs from somewhere else. I figured he might spend a year underwater, just because he could. I didn't question the idea until more recently…what did he eat?
May FortuneUnfortunately, the purpose of human life is not simply to propagate the species, but to live peacefully together. Fortunately, more and more people want this peace every day. Unfortunately, there are still some who couldn't care less what happens to others. [13/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”They've done studies, and learned that the average individual has four people in their lives they truly trust entirely. The number of people I trust is three, unless you count myself, in which case the number of people I trust is three.
Story TeaseA suicidal man goes to a therapist upon the recommendation of a counselor from a crisis hotline. He doesn't want to kill himself, but he doesn't want to live like this anymore either. He's just looking for a way out of all of his problems. This is a start. #interviewtranscripts
14
Canon TriviaThere are eleven planets in the Helio Star System: Helios, which is also known as the sun roller; habitable and stable rocky worlds Tettaries, Ceres, and Keres; heavy world Darrow; gas giants Meridia, Polavia, and Bantamia; ice giants Aziïr and Simmeren; and dwarf planet Serrata.
May FortuneFortunately, these people's selfishness is unsustainable, making them less likely to survive in the long term. Unfortunately, we don't want such people to die out either; we just want them to become better people, and contribute more positively to our society. [14/31] #mayfortune
Joke?Four thousand years from now, alien archaeologists are going to find my house and think, "wow, this guy must have been pretty popular. So many people wanted to be buried in the crawlspace under his house when they died."
Story TeaseA co-anchor for a local news station's very early morning show speaks with a woman who has reportedly taught her budgie to complete a number of tasks for her around the house. She gives a demonstration on the news set in this fun and easygoing puff piece. #interviewtranscripts
15
Canon TriviaMany believe that the four cardinal craft engagements that witches learn are all about controlling other people's movements. But they are not about puppeteering or manipulation. When used right, they can sync a "tribe" so profoundly that everyone understands each other better.
May FortuneFortunately, there are still some really great things in the world, and we should be focusing on them. Unfortunately, it's tough to remember that, especially these days. Fortunately, this is an easy fix; we just have to make a point of looking for the beauty. [15/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”🎙️I got more rhymes than space got times! To make it clear, I got two rhymes here!🎙️
Story TeaseA tech reporter speaks with an app designer who has been getting a little criticism lately for taking a little too much credit for the software he designed. He may have come up with the idea, but he needed a lot of other people to make the program function. #interviewtranscripts
16
Canon TriviaThe hundemarke, the Sword of Assimilation, and the Omega Gyroscope were created simultaneously by the same bloody event, but there is no sufficient explanation for exactly why they were created, and any assertion has always sounded paradoxical…which doesn't mean it's not true.
May FortuneUnfortunately, the best way to do that may be to spin something bad into something good. Fortunately, that's a good start, like… Unfortunately, we can't congregate in groups anymore. Fortunately, we are living in a time where virtual meetings are possible. [16/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”My teeth are craving water right now. I guess you could say they have a good hydroxy appetite. #sciencejokes
Story QuoteThis is becoming awfully frustrating. People are listening to me, but they don't know it. I don't need credit, but this can't just be my life now. Kallias can't be the only person I ever talk to again. That isn't fair to him. He deserves freedom…from me. #salmonverse #fishquotes
17
Canon TriviaSome special temporal objects were created through technology, like emergency teleporters, or Cassidy cuffs. Others were imbued with their power from an important event, like the hundemarke, or ret-gone coins. Some were probably a mix of both, like the Escher Knob, or HG Goggles.
May FortuneUnfortunately, some of the virtual meeting services that we try to use necessarily come with technical difficulties. Fortunately, these problems have the potential to be resolved, as long as we keep pushing for them. Unfortunately, advancement may take awhile. [17/31] #mayfortune
LiePeople in centuries past wore a lot of layers, no matter where they lived, or what time of year it was. They hadn't invented summer yet, so it was always pretty chilly. Fashion had nothing to do with it.
Story Quote"The administrators were fully expecting their arrival, and gave them no trouble at the door. Trouble was waiting for them in the body’s room, though. Someone was already trying to remove the vacant Jesi body from the premises. // 'Allen?' Mateo asked." #salmonverse #fishquotes
18
Canon TriviaWhen you read about how the Omega Gyroscope is responsible for time travel in my stories, remember that…not really. I'm responsible. I'm the god of this universe, and time travel is the only way to make sense of it, because I live in the past, present, and future simultaneously.
May FortuneFortunately, there are other things we can do to stay busy, even from home. Unfortunately, since many of us weren't prepared to be stuck at home so long, we didn't all procure the appropriate resources. Fortunately, there are still ways to order things online. [18/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I would never even consider marrying someone who doesn't have heterochromia. #nohomo
Story TeaseAn avant-garde artist is interviewed about the performance art pieces that he puts on for the public at no charge. He usually prefers his work to speak for itself, but he's agreed to explain himself just this once, because fans want to know more about him. #interviewtranscripts
19
Canon TriviaFor years, my stories all fell into a single canon. It wasn't until 2015 that I found a second universe, and several more branched out into their own to protect each other's continuity. But still I hesitate to post trivia on this website that goes beyond those two main canons.
May FortuneUnfortunately, a lot of shipping is being limited to absolutely essential items, like masks and hand sanitizer, and to essential businesses, like hospitals. Fortunately, this is exactly how it should be, and we need to be patient about the delays it causes. [19/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”Ya know, I was listening to this podcast the other day. They were talking about how they've done studies, and learned that 100% of people who are good don't listen to podcasts, except for this one episode. Then the show ended. It was only two minutes long.
Story TeaseA man finds himself inundated with survey after survey, and can't figure out why that is. He starts to question reality, and wonders whether he's having some kind of nightmare, or if he stepped into a parallel dimension. It's nothing so fantastical, though. #interviewtranscripts
20
Canon TriviaI'm currently formulating a version of Earth where nearly the entire population lives in a truly gargantuan pyramid. The elites have windows, and the dregs live in the inside units. But why, though? Was the rest of the planet destroyed? Were they forced into it by a higher power?
May FortuneUnfortunately, patience is not a word a hypothetical alien from another world would probably use to describe the human race. Fortunately, we can do better; we can always do better. Unfortunately, we have to work hard at it, and some are unwilling to even try. [20/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”If we don't get a handle on this climate change problem, my kids won't be able to climb Mount Everest, like I did. They'll have to swim it.
Story TeaseA vet goes through the clearance interview for a private security job for which she's far overqualified. It's kind of all she can find at the moment, so the interviewer is worried she won't care for it, and will leave as soon as something better comes along. #interviewtranscripts
21
Canon TriviaWhen I calculated volume for the pyramid megastructure that houses over ten billion people, I didn't include things like communal areas, or elevators. Well, they don't move much, but when they do, they use incline railways on the outside, and just walk through each other's units.
May FortuneFortunately, perseverance is indeed a word I believe an alien would use to describe us. Unfortunately, that's not always enough. Fortunately, there are tools to help us cope with our new normal. Unfortunately, many of these cost money that not everyone has. [21/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”There is more wind in space than there is on Earth. In fact, there's more of everything in space than here. We're just one tiny planet, so we don't really have a monopoly on anything. Except for dog butts. We do have the most dog butts. A round of applause for our dog butts.
Story TeaseAn attorney tries to find the best jury for a corporate court case. Jury Candidate seems to be a fine fit at first, but then it starts to seem like he may be a little too close to the case, so she has to ask some more probing questions to find the truth. #interviewtranscripts
22
Canon TriviaWhen I said that most people on the planet live in a single pyramid megastructure, I didn't say where everyone else lives. All criminals are summarily exiled to the other side of the world, to the last remaining city, where they fend for themselves…but it may not be as it seems.
May FortuneFortunately, the government has made what I think to be the shocking decision to give people some money they need to support themselves during this pandemic. Unfortunately, it is also not nearly enough, and more is needed. Fortunately, we have a plan for that. [22/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”Open your eyes, sheeple! According to Google Trends, searches for #covid19 increased exactly 0% from 2019 to 2020. I ran the numbers, and I got zero every. Single. Time. If that's not a government conspiracy, I guess I don't know what is. #coronavirus
Story TeaseA convict who is getting out of prison soon wants to speak with the counselor once more about what life will be like on the outside. His extremely wealthy father—whose identity he never knew—recently died, and the inheritance situation is very complicated. #interviewtranscripts
23
Canon TriviaIf any of the Springfield Nine had ever attempted to have children, they would probably find these children to be immensely powerful, but they were too busy consolidating their own power to even consider starting what would probably be a brand new race of temporal manipulators.
May FortuneUnfortunately, universal basic income is a radical idea that frightens people too much for them to try. Fortunately, some have conducted UBI trials, and results look promising. Unfortunately, we have not yet done a whole lot of these to come to a conclusion. [23/31] #mayfortune
Good QuestionI often hold in my poops because I'm busy doing something else. My question, officer, is whether my dog does the same thing when she's chewing on a real good toy, or barking at the neighbors?
Story Quote"Getting to know my mother was all I ever wanted, and I have to assume she does truly want to change, because if no one believes in her—if I don’t believe in her—she’ll quickly lose faith in herself, and that will just prove everyone right about her." #salmonverse #fishquotes
24
Canon TriviaThe width of the Verge planet is comparable to the diameter of your average habitable terrestrial world, but it's flat, and requires the use of artificial gravity. Why not simply build a whole sphere? That would take too much material, or would need artificial gravity as well.
May FortuneFortunately, universal basic income is not the only possible to solution to automation—which we're using as a remedy for the pandemic problem. Unfortunately, things like a negative income tax will still require a complete overhaul of our country's tax system. [24/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I sometimes wake up, and I don't know where I am. Then I realize I'm in my roommate's bed. Then I remember my roommate died five years ago, and I moved to a different city. Then I remember that I too died. Then I remember that was only in a dream. Did I just do a creepypasta?
Story Quote"She opened a small pocket on the front of her bag, and removed the hundemarke, so she could place it around her neck. She opened a third pocket, and took out the primary Cassidy cuff. People can only be redeemed if that’s what they want for themselves." #salmonverse #fishquotes
25
Canon TriviaMy Reactions series started out with no supernatural themes. I only slipped into it when I noticed that many of Viola Woods' classmates had an almost religious admiration for her. I eventually became determined to come up with an original origin story for her. I think I did okay.
May FortuneFortunately, if the pandemic has taught us anything, it's that we are capable of making great and dramatic change in a relatively short time frame. Unfortunately, it seems to require dire and desperate circumstances, which is a condition we shouldn't relish. [25/31] #mayfortune
Real TalkMe: "Actually…" *pushes up glasses* "…the ninth circle of hell—according to Dante, of course—" *snorts* "—is reserved for the most treacherous. They are encased in an icy lake, and ceaselessly fanned by Satan's wings. A snowball would fair quite well there."
Story TeaseA mall security guard detains a shoplifter who he caught redhanded. While they're waiting for the police to arrive, he asks her questions, and realizes that her story doesn't quite add up. This may be a much bigger crime than he ever could have imagined. #interviewtranscripts
26
Canon TriviaIn case you both keep track of my website, but didn't catch the play on words I made, the series called Superpowers is a double meaning. It's about the world superpowers; specifically the ones with a history of nuclear weapons, but it's also about people with special abilities.
May FortuneFortunately, if there's a second thing that the pandemic has taught us, it's that we're all part of a global network, and what affects some of us, affects all of us. Unfortunately, not everyone has learned this, and some have deliberately rejected the idea. [26/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”Girl, are you bigger than a ravine, but smaller than a canyon, according to an arbitrary distinction I made up when I couldn't find any preexisting dimensional classifications? Cuz you're gorge.
Story TeaseA librarian tries to help a patron find a book about space and time. At first, it seems he needs to look at the sciences, like astronomy and astrophysics. Then it sounds more like he's interested in space transportation, but that's not quite right either. #interviewtranscripts
27
Canon TriviaFor some reason, I got it in my head that Panama would be a good place for a space elevator. I had to remedy this mistake in a later story by calling it a technological experiment. I'm now working on educating myself to prevent demonstrating this sort of ignorance in the future.
May FortuneFortunately, as soon as someone figures out a solve for this catastrophe, we can all have it. Unfortunately, if we don't fix certain people's 'every country for itself' mentality, that's not what will actually happen, and we'll all fall deeper into inequality. [27/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”When you think about it, aren't we all a little Spartacus: Blood and Sand?
Story TeaseA reporter interviews a mall security guard whose heroic, but irresponsible, actions led to the safe return of two abducted civilians, and the ultimately successful capturing of the perpetrators of the crime. An investigation into his vigilantism is ongoing. #interviewtranscripts
28
Canon TriviaIf I told you that ours is but one universe, floating around a bulk of infinite others, you would likely picture each as a bubble. But time starts out big, and tapers at the end, until reaching a point. It looks more like a knife. It's called the time knife. Yes…THAT time knife.
May FortuneFortunately, as technology progresses, it's soon going to become harder for those who prefer inequality to maintain the status quo. Unfortunately, that kind of paradigm-shifting technology is still a ways off, and the interim could be bad for a lot of people. [28/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”Receptionist: "We're sorry, but our company accepts no accountability for the misinterpretation of our products' labels. It is our official position that our customers are responsible for reading carefully." // Customer: "Why does 'acne cream' that GIVES you acne even exist!"
Story TeaseAn internal candidate is attempting to apply for a promotion. The problem is, her company has this bizarre policy of only hiring for this job level from the outside. The interviewer denies these claims, but she has some pretty compelling evidence to share. #interviewtranscripts
29
Canon TriviaNow, there's also a special artifact known as the time knife, and it's an actual knife. It is not an unrelated concept. If you are qualified to wield it, it gives you access to the outer bulkverse. But then you have to have some other means of actually reaching another universe.
May FortuneFortunately, hope is what drives humanity forward. Unfortunately, if I keep going with this line of fortunatelies and unfortunatelies, I'm just going to end up going in circles, because the opposite of despair is hope. Fortunately, this series is nearly over. [29/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I'm not gonna spay my dog, I trust her. Plus, she got so fat after her playdate with the neighbor dog, so I don't think any potential mate is gonna want her anyway.
Story TeaseA religious studies student comes in, looking for help with an assignment. The librarian is immediately able to find the correct section for him, but the student is dismayed at how imbalanced the system appears to be, so the conversation gets sidetracked. #interviewtranscripts
30
Canon TriviaYou may be wondering, if a time knife can only break out of a universe, but not reach another one, what's the point? Who could ever use it? Well, there is actually one person, but it doesn't matter. It wasn't designed to do anything. It was imbued with this power accidentally.
May FortuneUnfortunately, it's May, and I've only come up with enough tweets for the 04:15 slot through mid-July, because time is moving faster than I can come up with new posts. Fortunately, my scheduling demands are self-imposed, and I could always simply change them. [30/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”All females in this county give birth on Mammer Hill, even the animals. It's tradition, and your argument against it is paper thin.
Story Quote"This was always meant to be the last chapter of my life. I tried to start a new life once my mission was complete, but I’m finding myself very unhappy. This is my chance to end it on my terms, in a way that cannot be changed. 'I would,' I say plainly." #salmonverse #fishquotes
31
Canon TriviaI'm not sure I did Serkan, Ace, and Paige's story justice by writing their last series from the perspectives of other people. I was trying an experiment, and though I think it worked out on its own, I probably would have rather not used that format as their conclusion. Oh, well.
May FortuneUnfortunately, when I get an idea in my head, it's difficult for me to break from it, because it feels like giving up. Fortunately, no one reads my tweets or stories, so it doesn't really matter. Unfortunately…no one reads my stories, and it's all pointless. [31/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”You're thinking of ignorants. Ignorants know nothing. Gnorants are the ones that know everything.
Story Quote"The paint swirled around, and reformed itself. Where once it was chaotic and random, colors began to organize into deliberate shapes. Shapes sharpened into discernable images, and the images began to move. They were watching dozens of movies at once." #salmonverse #fishquotes

June 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
1
Character TriviaMy character, Sheridan Hope was named after the original name for Sherlock Holmes. She's not a detective, though; I just like the name. Similarly, Cassie Wright was the name the VP kept calling Carrie White in the titular movie. Both appear in a series called Children of Ceres.
Fake ConversationMy supervisor: "There's more than one way to skin a cat!" // Me: "Yeah, but there's only one best way. I should know. I have thirty-four cats, and they were all born with skin." // My co-worker: "And what's the best way?" // Me: "Give me your cat, I'll show you."
Dumb Ditty🎤You remain the tower in high measure in our brains // Babel! To me, you're like a growing dictionary I cannot climb! // Won't you tell me, are you stable, Babel? // You're my portico on my chateau // Our words become garbled, and we can't translate each other! // Babel!🎤
Story TeaseAn ex-convict is desperately looking for work, and even the places that are kind of known for accepting people like him aren't giving him the time of day. He may have just found an employer, however, who does not hold the same prejudices as all the others. #interviewtranscripts
2

BLACKOUT TUESDAY
3
Canon TriviaAevum is the oldest ship in the universe, having survived for billions of years. There was an incident where several people were granted various forms of immortality, and while Aevum is not a living organism, it did end up with its own immortality, where it cannot be destroyed.
NanostoryOf course I own a secret mini-fridge. I do not presently require a place to store bloodbags, but I may one day become a vampire, and I need to be prepared for that eventuality. I'm even considering stocking up my own blood to get me through those first few days after transition.
“Joke”Edible tape to keep burritos together. Don't know why my assistant put this in the "joke" slot. This is a genius idea.
Story TeaseIn this hard to watch two-part interview, a news reporter tries to get answers from a former police officer who was the subject of controversy when he was caught beating a black suspect to death in an even harder to watch cellphone video. He has no remorse. #interviewtranscripts
4
Canon TriviaI'm going to spend the next however many days explaining how faster-than-light travel works in some of my stories. First, you have to understand that there are several higher complex dimensions, and in between those are simplex dimensions, which contain virtually infinite energy.
Fake Conversation.@PostMalone: "Let's talk about Post Malone." // Me: "No." // Post: "Sweet!" // Me: "Did you not hear me?" // Post: "Post Malone hears nothing but Post Malone." // Me: "Then how did you hear me say that?" // Post: "Huh?" // Me: "I said, how did you hear me?" // Post: "What?"
“Joke”I'm developing an engine that runs on nightmare fuel.
Story TeaseAn ex-cop who went to prison for beating an innocent black man to death speaks with the counselor about his new life, and how hard it is for him on the inside. The other residents know who he is, and the warden has yet to grant him protective custody rights. #interviewtranscripts
5
Canon TriviaOnce you "fall" into a simplex dimension, all the plex radiation in it is at your disposal for propulsion, and the act of gathering this energy does not diminish your reserves, or slow you down. Unfortunately, falling back out of it WILL use up nearly all of your stored energy.
NanostoryThe best part about having a dog who lives outside is that I don't have to feed her. She just grazes on the grass, and pecks at the bugs in the dirt, and chews on the bark. She even dug her own holes to collect rainwater for her to drink.
“Joke”What got me through these last four years was knowing that one day, someone else was going to be president, Superman, or Clark Kent. I knew I could wait that long for one of those three to show up.
Story TeaseIn this fourth and final installment of No Remorse, a former cop who went to prison for murdering an innocent black man discusses a film studio's choice to cast him as himself in a biopic about his misdealings, along with others associated with the project. #interviewtranscripts
6
Canon TriviaBut if you lose almost all of your stored energy getting out of a simplex dimension, how do you get back in? Well, unlike the process of gathering energy while inside, which happens instantaneously, recharging while in a complex dimension takes time. But there is a workaround.
NanostoryMarriage is a spring of fresh water. You drink some every day, and over time, it loses its freshness. And no matter how small your sips are, the source eventually runs out, and that's what we call divorce. Anyone who doesn't divorce, eventually just starts recycling their pee.
Fake ConversationFrank Zappa: "Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass." // Me: "You're right, I wouldn't, because I've never heard of music ever biting people in the ass, so I would probably think it was something else."
Story Quote"Things looked slightly different than they had when they left. It wasn’t enough to make her think that she had been robbed, but perhaps someone had come in, searching for a pen. Though, if it truly had been only one second, that shouldn’t be possible." #salmonverse #fishquotes
7
Canon TriviaA small fusion reactor is far less powerful than plex radiation, but it's enough to tear a microscopic hole in the dimensional membrane. Radiation leaks inside slowly, but you'll rebuild the charge eventually. Bigger the hole, faster the recharge, but it's also more dangerous.
Random NothingHer voice isn't annoying, it's just bizarre. I'm not even sure how to describe it. I guess you could say that it sounds like a snake telling a secret.
Dumb Ditty🎤I hate scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch. There it goes down; down into the drain. Ha-ha-ha.🎤
8
Canon TriviaVessels have exploded because someone decided to overclock their fusion reactor, let in too much plex radiation at once through the dimensional rift, and overheat their astral collimator. But this unorthodox technique has also been used as a last resort weapon against an enemy.
Fake ConversationMe: "I can hold my breath for ten seconds." // My parole officer: "So can pretty much everyone. See?" […] // Me: "No, I mean I can exhale a block of breath in solid form, and hold it in my hand for ten seconds before the extremely cold temperature makes it unbearable. See?"
Dumb Ditty🎶Everytime I stand up, I gotta pee! Everytime I pee, I gotta sing!🎶
Story TeaseA young man who's just out of college has applied for a job as an office assistant. He's going to be working with a lot of people, so the manager wants to know how well he vibes with the whole office. This is less of an interview, and more of a get-together. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaPlex radiation isn't used exlusively for space travel, but that is its eventual primary use among advanced societies, because waste is fed back into the simplex dimension; a recycling process that is more difficult if you're just using the radiation to power your planetary needs.
NanostoryThe Mongolians built the Great Wall of China in the second century AMJ (After Mongolian Jesus), because they wanted to see how long it would take for them to walk the entire Chinese border if they built a wall in front of them as they walked. They're still not at the end yet.
“Joke”Find yourself a guy or girl who respects themselves enough to capitalize their own names.
Story TeaseA psychology major is tasked with interviewing someone she knows personally, just to get a feel for what it's like on that side of the room. Her roommate is expected to make up problems, but she gets a bit too real with it, complicating their relationship. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaIt should be noted that you're not required to be in motion while in a simplex dimension. In fact, it's possible to reach near stillness in a way that's impossible when you're in freefall in regular space. It's often strategic to time it right, and wait to slip back out later.
NanostoryWe have discovered that the zombies require warmth. They will seek it out above all else; the hotter the better. You could be standing next to a bonfire, and a zombie will ignore you, and walk right into it. Put down your guns and knives. All we need is wood⁠—lots of wood.
Random NothingWhy are so many people sending me messages on Bumble, asking why I swiped left on them?
Story TeaseA reporter interviews a man who went to live in the woods the day he turned eighteen, and has hardly seen another human being for the last forty-two years. He only returned to society seeking medical attention, and is in awe of how much the world changed. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaShips use plex radiosynthesis and fusion to reach FTL, but have supplementary forms of power generation. Matter-Antimatter propulsion is for sublight speeds, while an anti-gravity drive is for liftoff, landing, and actual plex movement. Lastly, fuel cells power internal systems.
Random NothingThe thing I do that impresses me about myself the most is probably how infrequently I burp, and accidentally throw up a little in mouth.
“Joke”The best part of waking up, is getting to go back to bed later. Life is an illusion, happiness is a drug. Wake up, sheeple. Wait, I mean…don't.
Story TeaseA celebrity interviewer who has been known recently for arguing with her interviewees is interviewed herself by an entertainment news colleague, following her job transition that was caused by her inability to remain journalistically objective at all times. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaI think I've told you pretty much everything I can about how faster-than-light travel and spaceship propulsion work in my stories. I could go into specifics—like how large an astral collimator has to be to move how much mass—but you now have the basics. I may return to it later.
NanostoryMy boyfriend and I just got engaged, but we have to put off the wedding indefinitely, to wait for his mother to die. Even though everyone else is okay with our love, many would still kind of take her side in the fight that would inevitably ruin the ceremony. So we'll just wait.
“Joke”I have a deep-seated fear of broken couch springs, and a deep-seeded fear of holes in the ground.
Story TeaseA college student who earned his GED meets with his advisor to figure out what he wants to major in. He has never been told that he can do whatever he wants with his life, nor was he afforded the opportunities to discover his own strengths. Now is the time. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaI would also love to tell you how it is my characters live in a world where it's possible to manipulate gravity. It's a vital component of faster-than-light travel, and heavyworld exploration, but I have no clue how it works, and in the real world, it may not be at all possible.
NanostoryJerry! Why are you painting the entire roll of paper! The red lines are meant to alert the customer that's it's nearly time to replace the receipt paper. You've just cost us thousands. All of these are completely useless!
Fake ConversationDouchebag 1: "Hey…hey!" // Douchebag 2: "Hay is for horses. What's up?" // Douchebag 1: "Old men, boy scouts, and birds are up. How's it hangin'?" // Douchebag 2: "Hangin' is for bats. What's cookin'?" // Douchebag 1: "Cookin' is for women…in the kitchen. Smell ya later!"
Story Quote"Who told that lie? 'We were indisposed, Councilor Dazzlemist.' // 'Please. Call me Gangsta. We hate formality.' There was no such thing as a weird name anymore. You wanted to call your son Gangsta Dazzlemist, no one was gonna stop you, and it was fine." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaThere are roughly two trillion celestial objects in the spherical Oort cloud that surrounds Earth. A station is installed on every single one, which monitors the sky, and detects movement into Earthan space. An AI controls each station, plus a small fleet of maintenance robots.
NanostoryMy sister bought me a really nice diving rash guard shirt when I visited her in the Caribbean. But I only used it the once, and forgot what it was, so I wore it to school the next year. People laughed, but I just embraced it, and bought several more. This is just what I wear now.
Topical ReferenceI think I could work at a Hartley Sawyer factory, and be pretty unhappy. I did not enjoy a secret Hartley Sawyer viewing at an audition today.
Story QuoteThere was no question that they needed to save her life, but this world wasn't much safer. She wouldn't survive here alone. There had to be some kind of loophole. There had to be a way to get her back home without also sending her to an inevitable death." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaWhile the Oort Shield—as it is called—is predominantly automated, there are some special stations on which humans prefer to maintain a constant presence. These include ones housing observatories pointed in directions of interest, and labs researching the far outer solar system.
NanostoryStephen King is the only person who's allowed to write about Maine. I tried once, but his attorneys sent me a cease and desist. I fought it in court, but I had to surrender under the heavy legal fees.
FactDaisy (my dog): "That sound coming from the garage only ever means one of two things: either my father has come home to see me, or he's left home, and I will never see him again for the rest of my life."
Story TeaseA couple goes to marriage counseling, hoping to understand what has gone wrong in their relationship. The husband recently caught the wife cheating on him, but appears rather indifferent to the situation, and they're both worried there's some deeper issue. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaStill, even some random Oort stations are inhabited, usually by lone immortal vonearthans who have nothing better to do with some of their infinite lives, and don't feel like anything they spend time doing to be a waste, so they might as well just sit around and stare at the sky.
NanostoryCurrently writing a meet-cute where a guy asks the pretty clerk at the grocery store where he could find the humble pie his co-worker suggested he try. She thinks it's funny, so they go out, and fall in love, but surprise—he's a serial killer. But surprise—so is she.
Good PointIf it's true that "you get what you give" then why am I wasting my time giving anything at all? If I always already have everything, why don't I just keep it? We can all just keep everything we have, and not worry about everyone else, because they're fine.
Story TeaseA law enforcement officer is the first to speak with a man who claims to have psychic visions, and wants to help solve crimes. She can't help but be intrigued, but of course, she'll need to hear some proof before she lets any of her colleagues know about it. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaI'm reworking the basic design of the colony ships my characters use to travel interstellar distances. I have recently learned more about centrifugal gravity, and pathway hazards, rendering my original concepts—which can be found certain published works—scientifically inaccurate.
Nanostory"That's disgusting," he said of the little bit of brown on the inside of the toilet bowl, before proceeding to enter a different stall, and NOT lay a cover on the toilet seat. And then not wash his hands afterwards. And then eat a sandwich.
Dumb Ditty🎤Roooooxanne, you have to put on the red light! That's how customers know you're open for business! We went over this during your training! You don't work, I don't get paid! I don't get paid, you don't get paid! The switch is right there!🎤
Story TeaseTwo middle school kids are having trouble getting along. One of them reports the other for bullying, but that bully claims that he's feeling just as bullied by the first one. Instead of punishing them, the school decides to send them to counseling together. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaMy Interview Transcripts microfiction series takes place in a universe called havenverse. I've mentioned some characters that already existed, but I also formed entirely new ones, some of whom I believe to be rather interesting, and which can now cross over into the main stories.
Dumb Ditty🎤My name's clear face, and I..care what you think. Your opinion matters to me. YOU matter. We're all in this together.🎤
“Joke”English was very difficult for me to learn under. In my native language, you have to end a sentence in a preposition of. It doesn't matter if adding it doesn't make any sense at. You have to do it every time inside. I imagine it would be harder for YOU to learn MY language amid.
Story TeaseA surveyor asks a random man at the arboretum some questions about his thoughts on nature, and the environment. The man's responses are somehow disturbing—not enough to make her call for help—but he does make her rather uncomfortable, so she ends it quickly. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaThe Crossover—the machine that can travel between universes called branes—started out as a building that some characters use to get advice from their alternate selves. It only later morphed as a way of bringing all my conflicting franchises together into one cohesive meta-story.
Dumb Ditty🎶I came in like a firework! I never hit me baby one more time! All I wanted was trouble, trouble, trouble! Cause uptown funk gon' give it to ya. Don't believe me, just need you now! Oh baby, I need you now! So they say, dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh, oh, oh!🎶
Hard TruthIn most states, this crime can be considered a class A misdemeanor, or a felony. It really just depends on how hungry the prosecutor is, how grumpy the judge is, how little remorse the offender is exhibiting, and how black he is. That last one is the most important factor.
Story TeaseA man in his mid-twenties goes directly to the head of the botany department of the college he wants to go to, hoping to secure an interview with him. That's not really how this is done, but the professor accommodates him anyway. Then he starts to regret it. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaThe Vertean flag represents the sixteen original colony planets, plus the homeworld. While each representative section is a uniquely shaped polygon, each one has the exact same area, illustrating equality throughout the galaxy. Each being a different color represents diversity.
Nanostory"WRONG! I'm the nearest galaxy. I'm aaall the galaxies. Who won best picture in 1987? Doesn't matter. I created the people, so I get all the credit. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!!!" --God, circa every time we have lunch together
“Joke”Right now, I'm only 31 years old, but the last tweet was written by me at 749. I can't tell you the mental gymnastics I'll have to do to make sure I don't remember reading it already by the time I write it for the first time. I literally can't tell you, it hasn't happened yet!
Story Quote"Hokusai could only shake her head in disappointment, so Pribadium decided to open the door herself. On the other side was nothing but a stone wall. 'Is it a hologram?' she asked. To answer her own question, she reached up to find a real, physical wall." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaIt's not often I post pictures. It's mostly when I accidentally link the latest installment of one of my stories with this account, instead of my personal one. But I want to show you the Vertean flag I mentioned yesterday. I designed it in 2012, but that was sketched on paper.
NanostoryHe was always a jackass. He came up with this rule when he was 18 that he would only date a woman whose age added up to 69 when combined with his own. Everything was going okay until he turned 52 and refused to shift strategies. Now he's in jail, where he belongs.
Fake ConversationRoommate One: "I wish I could welcome you home from vacation, but I have some bad news. You should probably sit down for this." // Roommate Two: *sits down* // Roommate One: "I just found out..that the couch you're sitting on right now..has both bed bugs..and lice."
Story Quote"She hugged him back, but could not echo his words, because in this situation, 'I love you' was just a synonym for 'goodbye', and probably from her perspective, also meant 'you’re going to die, so I won’t ever see you again.' So she couldn’t say that." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaAs opposed to The Prototype and The Crossover, which can only jump from one point to another—not instantaneously, but still rather "stationary"—The Transit is a universe-hopping machine that can also move through space. It is a proper ship, and thus perfect for multiversal war.
NanostoryI'm on it like cake on a fat kid. I once knew this guy in school who struggled a lot with his weight, and other students were always throwing food at him. Children aren't born mean; they learn it from their parents, and other role models, so be careful with your fat jokes.
“Joke”I will accept campaign contributions from any and all sources. Hell, if a nazi wants to give me a million dollars, then that's just less money for them. I don't HAVE to do what my contributors say. You can't buy me. I'll take your money, then still do what's right for the people.
Story TeaseA student goes to the library to learn about poisonous plants. The librarian is always happy to help with any request for research materials, but this particular man seems a little less interested in the hypothetical, and more interested in the practical. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaI didn't originally intend to reset the timeline in the second volume of Mateo's story. I lost a lot of long-term narrative threads by doing that, but I felt it was necessary. When I come up with a sudden twist that even I find shocking, it usually means it's the right way to go.
NanostoryDeath by shirt collar, and not the way you would think. I accidentally flipped it up, which snapped my mouth shut, forcing my teeth to cut so deeply into my tongue that I bled out on the floor before I could even reach my phone.
“Joke”In Canada, it's illegal to kill a journalist.
Story TeaseA college reject has been trying to find a job for months now, but has not been able to make any headway, so he's decided to simply lie on his résumé, and is surprised by this latest interviewer's response to this revelation. Things may work out for him yet. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaJamie Beaumont has something called animal experience absorption, which is to say that animals can't talk, but they receive input just by being alive. That data is in their brains; they just can't decipher it. Jamie can form a psychic connection, however, and see what they saw.
NanostoryNo, that guy hates me too much. I made one mistake once, and it upset him so intensely that he treated me like crap before it even happened! Now that I hear my explanation out loud, I think maybe he's just a prick.
“Joke”Why are so many movies about "it looks like we don't have a synopsis for this title yet. Be the first to contribute! Just click the 'Edit page' button at the bottom of the page or learn more in the Synopsis submission guide"? Just noticed, IMDB uses doublespace after period. #smh
Story TeaseA man with dark and violent thoughts answers a security team's questions regarding his interest in employment for a company that appears to have nefarious motives of their own. He may have finally found himself a home, with people who will fully accept him. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaWhile Jamie's primary amber ability is to gain psychic information from animals, a necessary component of this is to be able to approach a target without them feeling threatened by her presence. She sometimes uses this feature on its own, to make animals feel safe around people.
NanostoryThis is an annual test of the emergency protocol system. Please proceed to your designated areas. If you are a visitor, convene on sublevel two for ship assignments. Please retain your current substrate for continuity. Do not transfer your conscioussness, except as a last resort.
“Joke”I actually like when webpages have infinite scroll. It's comforting to know there's an indeterminate amount of content out there, but I will never know how far away it is. It doesn't feel like the whole world is somehow simultaneously overwhelmingly busy, and profoundly lonely.
Story TeaseA man who has just been offered a job working for a terrorist group known for bombings meets with his new team in a suitability interview. They work the legitimate business side of things, so the authorities don't suspect that they're doing anything wrong. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaThe next microfiction series, which will be starting in about a week, is a selection of vignettes. The first one is set in 1980, and the last will be sometime soon after 2204. That's about as far as history goes before there aren't really any interesting things happening anymore.
NanostoryI was once caught in the doors of a radioactive elevator. I now have the ability to always know which elevator in the bay is going to open, how long it's going to take to arrive, whether there will be people in it already, and whether or not any of them will need to exit first.
LieThe average fast food restaurant loses about $700,000 a year on those little free cups of water. They lose $1.3 million on people who illegally use those cups for soft drinks.
Story TeaseA disturbed and violent man becomes a celebrity after he infiltrates, and ultimately takes down, a domestic terrorist organization that's posing as a legitimate fertilizer company. He only worked for the legitimate side, so he didn't break any laws for them. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaIn the future, all basic needs will be met. For everyone. No one will need to work, but there will still be opportunities to contribute. Anyone who wants a job will have one, and anyone who wants to freeload, will be allowed to do so. People will thus focus more on their hobbies.
PoemA cavalier Henry Cavill caviled at the caviling cavilers caviling at Henry Cavill's calamitous cabaret case study, a canvasser casually calculated.
“Joke”It's physically impossible for a human to see their own tail. Unless the human has a tail, in which case, they might be able to see it.
Story QuoteJericho could clearly bite his tongue no longer. Arbitrators were not usually meant to speak during the trial. Like the juries of ancient days, they were expected to only listen until deliberations began. He couldn't suffer the ineptitude anymore, though. #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaI'm going to spend the next however many days explaining how names work in some of my stories, and a little bit of pertinent history for these conventions. First, you have to understand that this takes place in a different world, with different viewpoints on gender and sexuality.
NanostorySix years ago, God returned to me and said, "father…" (he always called me 'father' but never explained why). He said, "father, I need your help with something. I have created a rock that I cannot move, but with your help, we can move it together." And so I did, and it was good.
Fake ConversationMe: "Transfer me to your manager. I need someone who's competent to explain why I can't access my own money." // Bank Customer Representative: "Your account has been FROZEN, and my manager won't be able to open it up for you either, so LET IT GO."
Story Quote"Then he ceremoniously placed the goggles over his head, and consulted his cuff. It was pointing him towards a patch of brighter light several meters away. He expertly reached up, and pulled the seam apart, so he could slip through the spacetime rift." #salmonverse #fishquotes
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Canon TriviaIn my stories, in regards to a heterosexual partnership, a child is generally named after their father, but this is not done for the same reasons it is in the real world. At no point in its history were men considered superior, so that could never have had anything to do with it.
NanostorySometimes I feel like I can see everyone's flaws, and everyone can see MY flaws, but they can't see each other's flaws. Even if they feel pressured to be perfect, in reality, no one really notices, except for me. But they don't have to worry about me…because I'm so flawed!
“Joke”There are just some mysteries of the universe we may never understand; like, what is that purple stuff that you always pull out of your hair on days that start out warm, but cool off quickly? It's something we all experience, but no one ever talks about it.
Story TeaseAn infamous man who recently helped take down a terrorist organization—even though no one asked him to—speaks with his psychiatrist about his prescribed medication. He's been seeing grotesque things around him that he claims aren't there, but maybe they are. #interviewtranscripts
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Canon TriviaWhen surnames were first being created, people did not yet understand DNA, but they had some intuitions. They figured the mother provides half her essence, while the father provides the other half. BUT. The mother also carries the child, so she contributes more, if only a little.
Fake ConversationStudent: "My dog ate my homework." // Teacher: Well, even if that's true, you could have printed out another copy. I post all assignments online." // Student: "I didn't say that he chewed on it; I said he ate it. We were at the vet all night long. I didn't have time to redo it."
NanostoryMy housemate breaks into my room again, but later than usual. I pretend to be asleep, but it doesn't always matter to him. I've been trying to move out, but this place is rent controlled. He crawls onto my bed, and whispers in my ear, "did you hear? They did surgery on a grape."
Story TeaseA serial killer has finally been caught, and it's only a matter of time before the detective interrogating him gathers enough evidence to send him to jail. The killer slowly starts to realize that there's no way out of it, and that his life is all but over. #interviewtranscripts

July 2020
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Canon TriviaIn order to symbolically make up for the fact that the mother is considered more related to the child, that child is usually given the father's name. Again, this is all just symbolic, but it at least provides parents with a rational convention to avoid uncertainty and arguments.
NanostoryThis website smells weird. No, I'm serious. I don't buy jewelry, but I had this coupon, so I thought I would check it out, to see if there was anything that might be worth it. I immediately smelled this woody, rustic scent that can't be coming from anywhere in real life.
Fake ConversationMe: "You wear contacts too? I just started wearing them. Tell me, what do you contact them with?" // My parole officer: "Uhhh…my eyeballs?" // Me: "Oh yeah, same here, that's what I chose. Excuse me for a moment."
Story TeaseAn arrested serial killer speaks with his lawyer about how the trial is going to go, and what their overall strategy will be. Neither of them believes he's going to be set free, so they're just trying to figure out what the arbitrationers will think is fair. #interviewtranscripts
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