2020 Story Archive

January 2020
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Character TriviaLauren Gardner loves the band Nirvana. Her wearing of a particular Nirvana shirt in 1979 that wouldn't exist until the 1990s is what alerted Samson Bellamy to the fact that she too must be a time traveler.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "How are things going?" // Me: "Well, it's been a pretty bad day. @realDonaldTrump was elected president." // Parole officer: "That was over three years ago." // Me: "Yeah, and he's still the president, isn't he? It doesn't suck any less after all this time."
“Joke”I think some humans are attractive. I'm human too. See? Here's my coffee cup. Don't drink it, though, not because it's filled with gear lubricant, but because it's mine. Who wants to see me pick something up with my human hands? I've been progra—I mean, I can pick up many things.
Story Quote"Life is not a series of snapshots, sewn together to tell a story, and easily teased apart when you want to tell a shorter part of the story. The whole story is what holds the lesson. Don’t take me to mean you can’t ever share stories. Just be careful." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaUnlike in fiction, werewolves aren't humans who turn into wolves. They're wolves who turn into humans. They generally prefer the human form, only reverting while pregnant, ill, injured, or dead. There are those who prefer to sleep as wolves, and those who never appear as humans.
NanostoryI walk out of the bathroom to find a man who looks exactly like me, but maybe a day older. He seems exhausted. He reaches over to my bed remote, and lowers it to the flat position, and then the power goes out. "Thank you," I say. Then I get some sleep, so he never has to exist.
Random NothingOkay qué bien dice It's your brother or using a Mac.
Story Quote"But the rabbit did not let go of this. He had already beaten all of the other animals in the forest in races, and the tortoise was the only one left. He knew he could beat him too, but he desperately wanted to prove it, so there could be no question." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe heartbeat garby is a type of bird with an unusually low-toned call, rhythmed eerily close to that of a human heartbeat. They are considered good omens in many cultures. They are not to be confused with the heartbacked grapalin, which makes no sound audible to humans.
Fake SpeechYou think because you're bigger than me, you can push me around. Well, so can a car, but I don't cower from the car; I take control of it. And I can do this, because I'm smarter than the car. In case you're not getting it, you're the car in this metaphor. I'm still the driver.
“Joke”German is the ugliest language in the world. No, I'm not saying that because we used to date, and it broke my heart. I mean, the reason I know it's ugly is because we used to date, but it's not…it's just—*sigh*. I'm not explaining myself right.
Story Quote"She would sing him sweet songs, and he would tell her fun stories. The cunning cat even figured out how to open the bird’s cage, so she could fly free when their owner was not home. One night, the owner left some chestnuts to roast under the fire." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe Environmental Margin Scale (EMS) is the only temperature scale of its kind. Its creators mark 0% at a level just below the coldest ever experienced on their world, and 100% at just above the hottest. It is only useful for planetary weather, and illustrative purposes.
Fake ConversationA Meet-Cute in one act. Guy: "Do you have OCD too?" // Girl: "What's OCD2?" // Guy: "OCD as well." // Girl: "Meaning that you have OCD too?" // Guy: "No, I have OCD1." // And scene. I wrote this not long after I found out I had OCD, back in single digits.
“Joke”In Great Britain, they refer to the restroom as a "toilet". Trying to write for a British character, I wanted him to stick his head into the restroom, but ended up accidentally typing, "he pooped his head into the toilet" and now my whole canon just got a lot more complicated.
Story Quote"This was their opportunity to start fresh, and to make the new world as they wished Earth could be. The problem was that everyone in those early days was from Earth. They still couldn't ignore all that history; good OR bad. They could do better, though." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaThe Voss family tree is noted for its coincidental adherence to the Fibonacci sequence. Hall Voss was born in 2005, while Mireille Travert was born in 2008, and so and, and so forth, until reaching Xearea Voss in 2089. Camden Voss ruins the sequence by being born in 2077.
Dumb DittyI'm a happy, happy happy, happy, happy, happy frog! I am hopping, hopping, hopping, hopping all around the bog! Won't you come around to play? You could come here everyday! Then we'll fall down, like a log! Happily, we'll hoppiling, until we see the sun's last ray!
“Joke”Which one do you like best? The frog in my throat has a frog in his throat. The frog in my throat has a human in his throat. The frog in my throat is on vacation. The frog in my throat called in sick, but he was out of vacation days, so I suspect he's just on vacation.
Story Quote"Mateo felt that he couldn’t argue. It wasn’t right that she was forcing them to nurse someone else’s baby, but anything he said might sound like mansplaining. They could fight it themselves, if they wanted to, but he just needed to keep his mouth shut." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe first native in any population must have an entire generation between them and the death of the latest-living original immigrant. Basically, they cannot be alive at the same time as anyone who was alive at the same time as an immigrant.
Random NothingDorser = Horse; Maibord = Bird; Kidteh = Cat; Poperdew = Dog; Bun'na = Rabbit; Snaker = Snake; Peego = Pig; Cheekawn = Chicken; Feeshor = Fish; Lurkey = Turkey; Cauer = Cow; Telayfaunt = Elephant; Aidimantosiabear = Bear; Zebbers = Zebra. Momo = Mouse. I have more, if you'd like.
Fake ConversationMe: "I'm sorry, but I felt that she had a right to know you cheated on her." // My parole officer: "I didn't cheat on her. I had an extramarital affair." // Me: "Riiiiight…?" // My parole officer: "Which means it was very marital, because it was with my wife." Ba-dum ching…
Story Quote"After today, they should have saved up enough to buy a new cow, which will increase their yield, and make them even more money. With that, they could buy chickens, and fix the fence, and do all sorts of things to make their farm better and better." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia (1/2)On the other planet, driving license cards and collapsible plates are awarded based on skill level. All driving students carry pink licenses. Red license holders can only drive on city streets. Green, blue, and black license holders can drive increasingly fast on highways. (1/2)
Canon Trivia (2/2)Taxi licenses are orange, and striped for speed proficiency. Gray license holders have no maximum speed limit, but can only drive on far lanes on designated highway stretches. Speed limits are marked by colors, which coincide with speed ranges. There is an age component. (2/2)
“Joke”Passerby: "Oh, your dog is so adorable. Is he nice?" // Me: "She's a bitch."
Story Quote"He hopped around playfully, but could not match the dog’s agility. He tried to mimic the dog’s adorable barks and bays, but his voice only came out in screeches, irritating the other animals in the barn. But the donkey did not give up." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Random NothingThe United States versus the Theocratic Hallowed Enlightenment Multidominion.
NanostoryWe asked the aliens why they attacked us unprovoked. They said humans attacked them first, so they stole our FTL technology to go back in time, and change history. So we stole their FTL technology, and went back in time to change history. But then they stole our FTL technology…
“Joke”Reading literature about dogs. Experts on dogs really wanna drive home the fact that female dogs are called bitches, like it's mucho importante to them. Maybe we should retire that term? No one hears, "my dog is pregnant" and then asks, "oh, is it a stud, or a BITCH!?"
Story Quote"Just then, they heard the horn of a hunting pack. The humans had broken up into factions, and since there were no more food distribution procedures, they had to go back to the old ways of finding food in the wild. 'Oh, no!' the monkey cried." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe parsu is a domesticated pig that has much softer hooves, and generally doesn't grow as large as a farm pig, or wild hog. The kaidas is a domesticated goat with similar qualities. The miacid is the oldest canine-feline ancestor, which has somehow survived for millennia.
Dumb Ditty🎤Goodbye, spider // Goodbye, bitch // I will kill you // That's the si-itch // I will crush you; // kill you dead // That's what you heard because // that's what I said!🎤
“Joke”Many years ago, governments were after me because of my superpowers. I used my superpowers to rule the world before, but then governments came to rule after when those powers started waning. I can't figure out how to word this joke to make it both sensical, and funny.
Story Quote"He then witnessed a jackdaw fly down as well, but there were no more lambs on the ground, and it was far too small anyway. Still, it evidently wanted to prove itself as strong as the eagle, so it attempted to lift the ram. The ram didn’t even notice." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Random NothingBridging Entertainment, Living, Livelihood, Convenience, Opportunity, Nourishment, and Education. Bringing Everyone Life's Little Convenient Opportunities; Nothing Else. Blooming Expanded Loud Luster.
Aglet of ConversationThen I suddenly realized how strange it was that I hadn't yet created a playlist with my favorite song from each album recorded by each of my current and past favorite bands. So I did what I do best; I made a spreadsheet.
LieThere's a reality where literally every adult is trained as a firefighter, which makes everyone a lot more cautious, and up to code, but that also means there are even fewer firefighting jobs available than there are here, so everyone is positively miserable.
Story Quote"The lion showed up late, thinking he was cool, but the others just thought it was rude. Still, he was the most ferocious of them all, and though he and the animals had called a temporary truce, no one wanted to set him off. It wasn’t worth the risk." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaInnerchange is a street drug originally designed to help people who suffer from depression, post dramatic stress disorder, and/or guilt. It allows you to feel like all of the bad choices in your life were actually good choices. It is in the form of a silver hexagonal prism.
True storyI once asked someone a question in French. She responded with "jeune c'est pas". We're not friends anymore. #truestory
“Joke”I can tell what kind of person you are just by asking whether you recall how to spell "slaughter" by adding an "s" to "laughter" or if you remember how to spell "laughter" by removing an "s" from "slaughter".
Story Quote"His only hope was to be rescued by Dardius, where he could live in Sanctuary forever; safe and content—still separated from his family—but at least alive, and that was all his parents wanted. But even living here, things couldn’t be so easy for him." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number one: Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
Random NothingThe gross grouse grossed a gross of gross growths.
“Joke”I just opened my drawer and noticed I'm low on underwear. I know I didn't eat them all this week. I think my infant son has figured out how to climb up there.
Story Quote"They ended the hug, and enjoyed a moment of silence together. // 'I would hug you too, Mateo said, 'but that feels inappropriate.' // 'Come here,' Nerakali said to him. So they hugged as well, and it wasn’t inappropriate, or awkward, or uncomfortable." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number two: Never be surprised, but never assume you already have the whole story.
Lie?A future that promises ubiquitous 100% memory recall treatments will inevitably lead to an hourly news update broadcast called "My Brief Encounter With Nick Fisherman Before He Became King of Earth". Too many stories will go something like, "he made me feel really uncomfortable."
“Joke”Sometimes I shimmy out of my pants like I'm a slender person in skinny jeans.
Story Quote"For one evening, the dingo decided to play a prank on the crane. She invited him over for dinner, like she had so many times, but the crane soon realized that he would not be able to eat the stew. She had placed it on an only moderately deep platter." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number three: Keep track of everything you do, and everyone you meet.
“Joke”Nick Fisherman marked himself safe during the #CrisisonInfiniteEarths. #Supergirl #Batwoman #TheFlash #Arrow #LegendsofTomorrow
True StoryI had to watch some of the advertisements on TV, because I couldn't switch my phone to the TV remote app until the advertisement from this game I'm addicted to stopped playing first.
Story Quote"When he opened it up, he found a punch card for a restaurant two states away, an insurance card that was turned totally illegible by the rain, and a couple hundred dollars. 'Look what we’ve found,' said the one hiker. 'I’ll split the money with you.'" #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number four: Avoid alternate versions of yourself.
Fake SpeechI'm sorry for the miscommunication. I realize now I should have been more clear. You must have thought that—since I have such short hair—your brainwaves can penetrate my skull, and I can read you mind. This is all my fault. You shouldn't have had to say out loud what you needed.
“Joke”Rewatch #ParksandRecreation. Drink everytime Tom Haverford says or does something that you think Aziz Ansari would in real life, now that we have some perspective and context. Take another drink if it also makes you cringe.
Story Quote"Well, the ape—being not a man—did not know human language very well, and she certainly could not read. She had only heard the humans mention it a couple of times, but since it wasn’t important to her, she hadn’t really paid attention." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number five: Treat everyone you meet with respect, as they may unexpectedly return.
NanostoryI have three hours and fifty-nine minutes of oxygen left. I can hold my breath for exactly one minute. My next tweet will be my last. It will be a joke, but it won't be very good, because I'm running out of oxygen.
“Joke”I didn't last one day flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant. I didn't even last one minute, mostly because I never tried. I told you it wouldn't be very good. See ya later. Or no, I won't. #literallydead
Story Quote"The ladybug scoffed, and moved on. She was too young to know the cold. Weeks later, winter came indeed, leaving the ladybug with no food to eat. All the aphids were overwintering as eggs. She flew over to the ant colony, and begged them to let her in." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number six: Do not relinquish control of your own life.
“Joke”I'm set in the future.
“Joke”Police Officer: "Well, in that case, you're arrested." // Me: "For what?" / / Police Officer: "You just admitted to dropping acid the other day." // Me: "Yeah, it burned right through the table. I've already paid for the damages. Is the lab pressing charges?"
Story Quote"The ignorance annoyed the boar. 'I need to sharpen my weapons now, so that when the fighting does come—as it inevitably will—I'll be ready,' he tried to explain. 'You know what they say, if you want peace, prepare for war.' He went back to sharpening." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number seven: Pack the essentials, and always keep them within reach.
LieI come from an alternate reality where the character of Superman is considered to be the best comic book villain of all time. This was a creative choice that National Comics made after Adolf Hitler's son, Todd started World War III. Stan Lee was fifteen years old at the time.
“Joke”I experience all too much joy from zooming into someone's selfie, and making out the phone they're using in the reflection of their sunglasses.
Story Quote"He agreed to never return. It didn't matter how much time passed, or how many things changed; that was a promise he didn't want to break. Still, this was his best friend they were talking about. How could he not be there? It would be disrespectful." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number eight: Never do anything without having an answer for why.
LieI memorize the serial number for every single bill of currency that comes into the store where I work. I wasn't asked to do that, but what good is my genius-level intellect if I don't use it to prepare for a one in one thousand instance of fraud? It certainly can't hurt.
Fake ConversationMe: "I've been taking benzene every night to get to sleep. Not only is it not working, but I keep getting sick." // Doctor: "Do you mean benzos?" // Me: "No, the label definitely says benzene." // Doctor: "You should be dead."
Story Quote"According to Nerakali, there was nothing they could do for the mission quite yet. The problem was, whenever they claimed they were on a day off of some kind, that was when some giant interruption came to attack them. What was it going to be this time?" #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number nine: Gather as much information on the future, and your future, as possible.
LieI'm licensed to practice medicine in every country, but I'm only licensed to pilot an aircraft over The Vatican. I can only fly in circles; it's really boring. If I accidentally find myself crossing the border, I have to jump out, or get arrested by the Italian government.
“Joke”I've learned that, following the kidney transplant surgery I had on Tuesday, I'll be on a ten pound lifting restriction for the next six weeks. That's going to make it really difficult to go to the bathroom.
Story Quote"Now, the fish he caught were large, which were great, but he noticed that a great many smaller fish escaped his clutches. He was not happy with this. He wanted to get all the fish he possibly could, so he went back home, and started weaving a new net." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number ten: Stay active.
NanostoryThere's no one else at the intersection, but another car, honking behind me. A beetle chases a small spider across my windshield. I tap the glass, just to make sure it's not on the inside, and it's not. Then the glass turns to liquid, and a hundred insects come falling through.
“Joke”You'd be so proud of me. I stopped eating the calzone a few minutes after it started making me feel sick. Then, of course, I realized I only had a few bites left…of the first half, so I ended up eating the whole rest of it a few minutes later. Can you drive me to the hospital?
Story Quote"Over time and with no family, this wild side of him took over, and there seemed to be no hope that he could ever live amongst others, of any kind. The regular wolves could tell that he was different, and they wanted no part of him." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number eleven: Keep them guessing.
Fake ConversationPsychiatrist: "The voices tell you to do bad things?" // Patient: "Yes, but don't worry. I'm not good at doing what I'm told. You can ask my parents." // Psychiatrist: "I can't, because you murdered them. Did the voices tell you to do that?" // Patient: "No…they told me not to."
LieCollies are notoriously virtually impossible to train. The dog who played Lassie was actually just a really tiny human in a dog suit. The makeup artists were extremely ahead of their time, and I've never felt that they were appropriately recognized for that.
Story Quote"After all, this was something they could not get in the wild. The lion would never rule over anything, as he would have naturally eaten half of everything in there, and the other half if times were tough. This was something special." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number twelve: Don't learn too much about your future.
True StoryI went to Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina to work for The Red Cross, and all I got was this nasty staph infection…plus a great sense of accomplishment, and a better understanding of who I am, as a person, and as a leader.
“Joke”Tom, a hawk, has a story about his case o' diya. He says it's the best diya in the cone tree. I should give up comedy writing.
Story Quote"Was there a way to transcend their nature? Surely they couldn’t become the predators they were so afraid of, and nature never gave them any means to protect themselves. What could they do to feel safer, and not just for one day, but in the long run?" #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number thirteen: Never get separated from the people you love.
AphoroidI've learned that I can do anything I want, because I don't want to do anything I can't do.
“Joke”I'm compiling a list of the safest passwords that are practically impossible to crack. You can choose a password from this list, and I guarantee that no one will hack into your account. Don't worry about what I do with the list afterwards, or the fact that the list is public.
Story Quote"A half hour before they were set to leave the mall, however, the teacher revealed that they would indeed be going into the candy store, but that they would be going in together, and in an orderly fashion. The kids were all so very excited." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon Trivia#RulesofTimeTravel, number zero: Don't be attracted to anybody. You're probably related to them.
NanostoryFew people know much about the obscure comic book antivillain, Acid Reflex. But many will recognize the catchphrase he uttered every time he killed someone he deemed unworthy of this world by shooting them with his deadly chemicals: "Ya basic."
“Joke”My dad accidentally mowed over my pet rabbit. But it's okay, because she was pregnant, so we'll have a bunch of rabbit babies here in a month or so. Oh wait, no!
Story Quote"The Nexus replica building possesses a central heating system, but no matter what, it can never raise the temperature any higher than negative forty. External forces are constantly trying to freeze the whole place, so this is as good as it gets." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Fake ConversationDragon: "We don't lay eggs. We give live birth, just like you, because we're mammals, just like you. We may have some reptilian features, but we're not lizards." // Explorer: "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know." // Dragon: "Really? What did you think these were, if not my breasts?"
NanostoryYa know, it's been 15 years. If I saw, and somehow recognized, him…I'd punch him in the stomach. And when he's hunched over in pain, I'd uppercut his chin. And when he's leaning back, I'd stick my ankle behind his, and knock him down. Then I'd hit him again! Yeah, I'm still mad!
“Joke”I've been holding my breath for the last two years out of protest against something I've forgotten by now. I was going to make a joke out of this, and say it was three years, but that would have been too unbelievable.
Story Quote"The reasons they remained were never recorded, but they might have had sentimental value to the people in charge of destroying them, so that was probably how they survived. Most were apparently too innocuous for the government to bother with them now." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaVito Bulgari never saw himself falling in love with anyone on the crew of The Prototype, and as an immortal, figured he would forever be alone. Then he met a man on one of his missions named Burton. He wasn't a fighter, but he was a good passenger. Together…they were Burito.
LieEver since I made my first billion, people have been asking me to invest in their companies. I keep telling them I don't even know what a venture capitalist does. Then I have to politely interrupt them to rescind my accidental invitation to explain venture capitalism to me.
Random NothingWake up and smell the benzene.
Story Quote"The others said it was rude and inconsiderate, but if they were being honest with themselves, perhaps they would realize that they were mostly upset because they had felt obligated to come. She wasn't afraid to make her own decisions, like they were." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaWe have a different name for vampire slayer. We call them murderers. You can't just go around killing people you don't like. Not only is it immoral, but it's also illegal, and not just illegal, but a hate crime.
LieHere's a question I remember having to solve in my sixth grade math class: one man is in a bathroom. Two more men, who are talking to each other, walk in as well. How many buttholes are in that room? Five.
Good Questionn movies, they use a blacklight to check for blood, urine, sweat, saliva, semen, or other organic substances. My question is, if those are the only things that show up under those conditions, what are the set designers using to fake it for the scene? Or is it is fake at all?
Story Quote"The cycle of violence had to end, and both of them knew it. Neither believed the other should concede first. It was just that each worried the other wouldn't take kindly to a truce, and that it might make things worse. But someone had to risk it." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Fictional TriviaThere's a universe out there where people are invincible right up until the deaths of both of their parents. It's impossible to outlive your own children. More to the point, it's more difficult to die before you've matured enough to propagate the species.
LieIt's illegal to show a license plate in a film or TV show, even though the number will never be used. The penalty is so low, however, that production studios just pay the fine. They actually work it into the budget, and plans have never been altered based on these expenditures.
Random NothingJust ONCE, I would like to buy four dozen muffins, and get through them all on my own before they get moldy! Is that so much to ask?
Story Quote"Their luck ran out when the mule slipped on a wet rock, and fell to his side. Luckily, he wasn’t hurt, and was able to stand back up. In fact, he felt better than ever, because much of the salt had spilled into the stream, to be lost forever." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Character TriviaWhen Stephen Berg was a kid, he went to a fireworks show, and used his sound manipulation ability to prevent the fireworks from making any noise at all. He did this just to freak everyone out, and it worked. It wasn't the last time he pulled a prank like this.
Fake ConversationMan: "Hello, I would like one sex with her, please." // Celebrity's Assistant: "She does not consent." // Man: "No, it's okay. I'm a man, see?" // C.A.: "Put that away, sir." // Man: Oh, but a woman can breastfeed in public! Such a double standard! This is outrageous and unfair!"
“Joke”It's best to check your vehicle's oil while it is in motion. I can teach you the best steps for this, but remember that you're going to want a friend to help you. It's, of course, possible to do it on your own, but that would be insane.
Story Quote"When they arrived at his place, he sat his new friend at the table while he started a fire, and prepared a nice meal for them to eat together. Once the porridge was ready, he sat down himself, and started to eat. He didn’t even notice how hot it was." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Character TriviaEllie Underhill was named after her father's favorite adult film star. He never told his wife this. She would not have a problem with the woman herself, or her profession, but she wouldn't appreciate her baby having any connection to such an adult-oriented industry.
True toryOn multiple occasions, people have invited me to places they weren't actually going. They framed it as if it were an invitation, but it was more of a suggestion for me to go somewhere by myself. They did this unironically, and without malice. This is a sincerely true story.
“Joke”Base jumping, mom. Not freebasing. I can't believe you called the cops on me without asking me to clarify. You need to bail me out, and I am not paying you back.
Story Quote"The fox couldn't remember where he had gone wrong in his life, or how he had generated such a terrible reputation, but he wanted to change that. Yes, this prey looked tasty, but he also desperately needed friends, and that had to be more important." #revisedfables #fishquotes

February 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Character TriviaDarko sometimes used his power to thread objects through time to do mundane things. One time, his neighbor lamented that a restaurant switched their order with someone else's, and refused to fix it. So Darko went back in time, and switched them back himself. No one ever knew.
Dumb Ditty🎵We are the champions! WE are the champions! We have time for losers, because that's what champions do; they protect people who can't protect themselves! Everyone's using that word wrong, and it's really starting to get out of hand!🎵
“Joke”My parents were hippies, so yes, my legal name is Laurel Soulfate. #shavingcreamjokes
Story Quote"Arcadia scoffed. You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.' She reached down to the ground, and lifted the fabric of space like it legit was indeed fabric. She slipped under the magic curtain, and let it fall back into place behind her." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaEven centuries in the future, people will still have access to an Ancient Media Services location, which will allow them to develop film, convert DVDs to new digital formats, and process other old technology, in case one happens to come across something like that.
NanostoryMy sideview mirror shows there's too much traffic. I check the rearview mirror…there's literally no one behind me. I look through the windshield…every single car is the exact same make and model as mine. It's storming in the other sideview mirror. I turn my head…pitch black.
“Joke”Well, in OUR language, Oikos sounds like oinkos, and it's pigs. Also in my language, we read left to right, up to down, which makes that drug called BA Bayer ER.
Story Quote"This meant that every time they encountered him, they would know him a little bit more, and he would know them a little bit less, so Mateo couldn't help but feel that that was just a little bit sad. No one else seemed to have strong feelings about it." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaDwarves were engineered to survive on heavy worlds. Elves were created in an attempt to remove vampiric weaknesses. Werewolves ultimately derived from an attempt to make animals smarter, while savons were meant to increase human intelligence. And giants? Giants were a mistake.
Fake ConversationMe: "The good news is, the doctor confirmed, I do have a staph infection again." // Mother: "How is that good news?" // Me: "Wait, no…that's the bad news." // Mother: "Then what's the good news?" // Me: "The what?"
Lie?I had such a repressed childhood, I went crazy in my twenties. I assassinated six people for the CIA before my handler was like, "you don't work here. Who are you? Who is this guy? Me? I thought he was with you. Hey, who invited this guy to Langley! Where did you get that badge?"
Story Quote"Yes, the wolf was indeed planning to invade the farm, and take some chickens. But he wasn't going to be greedy about it. Now things were different. Now he had a vendetta, and he felt that he had no choice but to make things so much worse at the farm." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Character TriviaBefore he connected with Bellevue, Hosanna Katz performed a handful of small shows where he would find a random audience member, and let them make unique movements (often dancing) on the other side of a partition. He would then use his ability to mimic them blindly in real time.
LieI built a log cabin with my bare hands back whenever log cabins were first being built. I don't feel like researching the history just for the sake of this dumb fictional story. Anyway, I've been adding to it little by little every year. It's about the size of Milwaukee now.
“Fake” ConversationThis F***ing Guy: "Uhh…I usually sit there." // Me: "Well, I usually don't talk to Mormons, yet here I am with you. I guess we all make sacrifices, huh?"
Story Quote"When she stepped out of her hole the following morning, the sun’s light fell upon her head, and cast a long shadow on the ground before her, making her ears look even larger than they normally did. She even convinced herself that they were horn-like." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIt certainly seems like my ego has caused me to elevate myself to god-status, but the truth is that all gods are godlings, and all godlings are gods. Being the substrate which houses an entire universe of other beings is actually one of the most mundane things in the bulkverse.
Random NothingArgh! I was staring at her cleavage, when I really should have been looking at her ring finger. That's what really matters. Rookie mistake.
Fake ConversationMe: "I need another fast food job like I need a ninth hole in my head." // Parole officer: "Ninth? What's the eighth hole?" // Me: "We don't have that kind of relationship yet."
Story Quote"This quite nearly caused the group to disband, and head their separate ways, but the black bear had an idea. All they needed to do was travel north, to a land where the animals knew nothing about them. They needed to regain their element of surprise." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe potential threat from the Ochivari prompted a huge change to Earth's infrastructure. While at its worst, the entire planet could be evacuated in under a day, Project Airtight shrunk that number down to an hour. It took a lot of work, though. Everyone in the world had to move.
LieI was the last human born on Mars.
RantThe science says that a person, on average, farts about 14 times a day. I'm finally above average on something. If it sounds like a joke, and it smells like a joke; that doesn't mean it's a joke. This is not a joke. Fourteen is extremely low, and it pisses me off that it's true.
Story Quote"The gnats, on the other hand, continued to travel from house to house. Whenever they exhausted the resources they had found there, there was nothing else they could do but move on to the next. Some houses were kept cleaning, and were no good." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaOut of universe: I named the Honan Islands after a character I once had named Honan Lee Star, who was some kind of god-like figure. He has since been removed from canon, but I saw no reason to change the name of the islands. It seems fine enough, though now there's no backstory.
NanostoryWe give priority to people who put their names on their project request forms. For any project you receive with no name, go ahead and fill the order. When they arrive to question why it hasn't been delivered, that's when you shove the form up their butthole. But still apologize.
“Joke”Time Traveler 2 came out tomorrow? I haven't even seen Time Traveler 4 yet!
Story Quote"The other birds heeded the raven’s warning, and did not leave one single hemp seed on the ground. Months later, however, the birds found themselves being swept up in a hemp net. They asked for the raven to explain, but she did not understand." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI came up with a quote for one of my novels that goes, "it is not enough to refuse to fight! You must show them that you love them more than they hate you!" I never actually put it in the book, or decided which character would say it. It's just dangling alone in my notes.
Fake ConversationTed: "The hot dog/hot dog bun conundrum is easy. You have to buy enough to reach the lowest common denominator. The real question is why three-hole punches don't align the holes with binder rings." // Ned: "Ted, you have your three-hole punch set wrong. See? Here." // Ted: "Oh."
Hard TruthI wrote this tweet to open your eyes, and make you realize that the movie #SausageParty doesn't make any sense. People eat food in the grocery store all the time. There are free samples, and people test the grapes. Some even have cafés. They would know. They would have to.
Story Quote"It was pleasantly intuitive. What Pribadium built, and how she built it, made so much sense—and so elegantly exploited known properties of physics—that it was actually shocking no one had invented time travel before her. Hogarth was finished in a day." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThere is no explanation for the portal cave that connects Thālith al Naʽāmāt Bida, Tau Ceti with Earth over nine hundred years ago. There's no backstory where a dying time traveler crawls in there, and imprints his power on the rocks. It just exists. It's random, with no meaning.
Hot TipIf you're in a leadership position at a company, and you receive an email that warns you there's something wrong with your product, but fixing it will cause you to lose money, always reply with something like, "no hablo ingles." Because those emails WILL go public.
Lie?I'm spending a lot of time inventing the future. It would suck without me. I'm pretty sure I've already told you this.
Story Quote"Well, sabbatical probably wasn’t the right word, because he was still taking other fares; he was just limited to which ones he could accept. The customer had to be close to where Favid was working that day, and their destination had to be close too." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaOne of my first short stories was called Free Fall. It's about a guy whose ship explodes in orbit. He survives that, the vacuum of space, and even a fall to the ground. I learned years later it was an accidental (read: oblivious) scifi ripoff of An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge.
Fake ConversationBag: "300 calories per serving." // Me: "Oh, that's really good for a bag of chips this size. What is a serving?" // Bag: "One-quarter of a chip." // Me: "Why would you do this to me?" // Bag: "I do it for the lulz."
“Joke”I've never understood the term "man cave". Men are the only ones allowed to enter caves anyway.
Story Quote"The fisherman needed to learn that good things would come to those who wait. A small catch wasn't better than nothing if he had to put too much effort into it. He was better off being patient, and waiting for something more rewarding…more useful." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaWhen I first became a writer, I decided on five rules: no invisibility, no shapeshifting, no time travel, no magic, and a fifth one that I can't recall. I've broken three of the others. I even built a whole franchise about time travel. But I still don't do magic. I never will.
NanostoryOne time, I pooped, and I couldn't get away from it. I just kept kicking and kicking at it, but it was so hard to swim, because I was pressed between two microscope slides. I might be thinking of a video I watched about tardigrades.
“Joke”This reminds me of the time I was suffering through the Seven-Year Apocalypse. I was tugging at my survivor-buddy's collar. "Go! Run! It's gaining on us!" // Then Michael Cera shouts, "it's okay, I'm not a zombie!" // "I know!" I yell back. "Don't...stop," I instruct my friend.
Story Quote"The animals continued to argue, but did not yet resort to violence. Surely it was coming, though, and everyone was secretly afraid of what that might mean for them and their families. As things were deteriorating, both sides noticed something strange." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI've read about the rituals some famous writers do to get their work done. They'll write exactly ten pages a day, or always wear the same thing. I never thought that was rational. I write in different ways, at different times, under different conditions. I want to be versatile.
Random NothingI'm starting to feel human emotion. It's a lot like regular emotion, except that you people care too much about paint color.
Random NothingIt took me so long to figure out how to lo that I've forgotten how to behold.
Story Quote"They had no problem with it, because the statue didn't have any feelings, but the burro did. There was no point in ruining his day, and the truth was that he was pretty great anyway, so it wasn't like they were lying to him. It made everyone happy." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI set what I thought would be my first book in the Bermuda Triangle, but that's so overdone, so I moved it a Tolkien setting, but that canon doesn't belong to me, so I moved it to the southern Pacific Ocean, but that seems overused too, so now it's in the northern Pacific Ocean.
Random NothingI'm going to get redemption on my enemies.
“Joke”Dinner at a fancy restaurant: whatever the market will hold. A ride-sourcing vehicle back to your place: whatever the market will hold. An on-demand movie: whatever the market will hold. Spending time with the woman you love: she's a sex worker, so whatever the market will hold.
Story Quote"We can learn to live in a world without war. We can achieve peace without it, and we can maintain that peace without the threat of it. The world has been changing ever since it coalesced, and I see no reason for it to stagnate just because we're here." #revisedfables #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI named the main character (Christopher Clark) of one of my books after explorer Christopher Columbus, before I was fully woke to his misdealings. I was kind of married to the name, though, so I switched it to Saint Christopher, and that ended up informing his storyline greatly.
Fake ConversationCop: "We have you now. We dusted the murder weapon, and found your finger prints to be all over it." // Suspect: "Now I know you're lyin'. My prints should only be on the trigger. Someone else loaded the gun for me, and I was wearing fingerless gloves the whole time. Pwned."
Story QuoteIn April of 2016, I started reserving the early afternoon nanofiction slot for a quote from that day's upcoming story. I don't think that works well with #interviewtranscripts, though. I'll instead be giving you a brief introduction to that day's interview subject. #fishquotes?
Canon TriviaSince there is no sun, they contrived an arbitrary calendar, and made it confusing just to exercise control over their slaves. There are 91 seconds to a minute, 53 minutes to an hour, 19 hours to a day, and 6 days to a week. Each of 13 months has anywhere between 15 and 35 days.
Fake ConversationMy Parole Officer: "Well, he wasn't always my twin. We didn't become brothers until we were in our twenties." // Me: "When you say brother, you just mean that you…" // Parole Officer: "There's too much stigma attached to biological rebirth. The delivery ceremony was beautiful."
“Joke”There is no such thing as blindness. People you think are blind actually just have the power to see air, which is all around, so it appears black. If you put them in a vacuum, they would see fine…for about thirty seconds, then they would die.
Story Quote"It has been longer than five minutes for me. After you told me that you weren’t responsible for your son’s death by means of the hundemarke, I took a little detour, and investigated the timeline to corroborate your story. That was about a month ago." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaEach Craft engagement begins with a Prompt, which alerts the system that a command is being made, and also which class. This is, of course, followed by the Command, and finished off with the Execution. Only a few key engagements, like korlo and oshwrlé, don't have three parts.
Fake Conversation"Does your dog bite?" I ask the man. "No," he replies. I bend down to pet his dog, and of course he bites me. "I thought you said he didn't bite!" The man smiles. "I lied. Now you have been marked for death. He will give you a one hour head start. I suggest you start running."
“Joke”I was born alone. Not even my parents were there.
Story Quote"You saved thousands of lives when you killed Hitler, which went on to affect millions more. Few are aware of your involvement, but billions are aware that it happened. Without time travel, would humanity have survived up to today? I’m not convinced." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIn the Maramon language, the word for 'new' is 'onda', while the word for 'beginning' is 'ondali', because everything that begins is indeed new. The original term for 'new beginning' was, of course, 'onda ondali', but because of its poor cadence, eventually became 'dali dali'.
NanostoryThere's pretty much always someone following me. They're doing it for varying reasons, none of which involve actually catching up to me, or hurting me. They're not necessarily connected to each other in any way, and I've never met any of them. I don't mind anymore.
Random NothingIf you only learn one thing from me, let it be that if the oldest person ever dies, everyone else is already dead.
Story TeaseA high school graduate seeks employment as a public transportation inspector. This is the first step in his ultimate goal of becoming an airplane inspector. He's worried the interviewer won't want to hire someone who doesn't plan on sticking around forever. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaWhenever anyone at the package sorting facility where I worked years ago needed to stop the conveyor belt to catch up, I would quickly jot down one of these jokes or nanofiction stories on the back of a receipt, but I forgot dozens during the times no one needed to stop the belt.
NanostoryThe first trailer for the movie was just everything from the first two and a half minutes of the movie. The rest of the movie took the story in a completely unpredictable direction, and didn't resemble the trailer at all. The second trailer was totally unrelated deleted scenes.
“Joke”Assignments are in. Stand by your shuttle when your name is called. Freddie, Mercury Unit. Milo, Venus Unit. Frank, Moon Unit. Marshall, Mars Unit (think it through). Robinson, Jupiter Unit. Hotaru, Saturn Unit. Poseidon, Neptune Unit. Heinrich, Uranus Unit. Mickey, Pluto Unit.
Story TeaseA reporter interviews a man desperate to found a new political party, which he is hoping to use as a mean of banning all religious practice in the entire country. He has not been too terribly successful so far in generating support, but he is not giving up. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaEvery device in any universe that has ever been used to manipulate space or time is based off of a single reality-warping invention. It is so complex, however, that each inventor only ever comes up with one use for it. No one has even come close to completing the entire machine.
Fake ConversationMe: "She's not all that. She's exclusively a bag of chips. I'm in love with a bag of chips." // Wife: "This bag right here?" // Me: "Yes, I'm sorry. You and I are over. Wait, what are you doing? Melissa. What are you doing? Put it down. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
“Joke”I was trapped in a radioactive sauna for two hours…and now I have the power to watch pots as they boil.
Story TeaseA housewife is trying to find just about any job she can get. She has been out of work for the last two decades, and feels that employers aren't taking her seriously. She's smart, and had tons of experience before her first child, but that may not be enough. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThe planet of Dardius was named after Sanctuary's first rescue, Dardan Lusha. The star system that it's in (Beorht—which means 'bright') was named after the planet's once-owner, Gilbert Boyce. The galaxy name, Miridir comes from Meliora Rutherford Delaney-Reaver's four initials.
NanostoryI walk up to the chimpanzees, and shout, "hey!" They freeze; one with his fingers halfway in his mouth, while the other was checking his insta. I say, "it's fine that you groom each other, but you don't have to eat it!" They stare a moment, then go back to what they were doing.
Random NothingI just like the taste of folic acid. I've been taking it for years.
Story TeaseA mediocre high school student doesn't even bother applying to any college but the one that's thirty minutes away. But when he gets to the interview, he finds that he may still struggle with higher education, even if he's only going to an in-state school. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaDespite the culture's steady technological progress, space exploration stalled out in the Kartean universe when the Nexa were discovered. They suddenly had access to a few dozen planets, and it didn't occur to many people that they ought to look for even more habitable worlds.
NanostoryI took one of those ancestry DNA tests, and so did my parents. We discovered that I share 33.333333% of my DNA with my mother, 33.333333% of my DNA with my father, and 33.333333% of my DNA with some guy named Gabriel. I never met him, and he hasn't been responding to my messages.
“Joke”Daisy: "Dad, I've always found it strange that you put two of my chew toys on your feet before you go outside."
Story TeaseA college dropout has remained confident in his decision, and refuses to let anyone tell him he made the wrong choice, or even that it limits his options. He's been holding firm to his beliefs, even though it's meant many times that employers won't hire him. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaOnce I decided that Mandy Alto's ability to enter people's dream was based on the idea that dreamworlds are literal worlds our minds create when we sleep, I pretty much instantly realized that Joseph's amazing technicolor dreamcoat must allow him to travel across the multiverse.
“Joke”If you're too embarrassed to poop at the office, you can always leave and poop at home. Your employer legally can't discipline you for leaving work to poop at a different location, even if you're paid by the hour. Please note, this loophole does NOT apply to blue collar jobs.
Paraphrased ConversationConservative: "Climate change isn't real. Damn, why is it so hot? It's February! And why are there so many forest fires? How do they start? And does anyone feel like hurricanes are worse than they used to be? Climate change was fabricated by the Chinese to sell fortune cookies."
Story Quote"He stared at Pribadium forever, though it did look like he was buying both the fake names she made up for her and Vitalie, and the idea that they were federal agents. He also seemed to want to believe that Cassidy could possibly be involved with them." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI rarely have any clue how I'm going to finish a story, and even when I think I do know, I end up changing directions in the middle of it. I spent so many years carefully planning my mythology that, when I started this website, I didn't know what to do with all this uncertainty.
NanostoryMembers of the press, thank you for coming. We have reviewed the matter internally, and determined that the employee's behavior was in violation of none of our policies. We will be taking no disciplinary action against him. I gave him a raise. Thank you again.
“Joke”An Escher circle is when the radius, diameter, perimeter, and area of a circle all equal the exact same value. I keep one in my kitchen.
Story Quote"After Mateo attended his own memorial services, he returned to Machu Picchu to find that only two minutes had reportedly passed since he departed. Leona had evidently not been worried during this time, which he had to admit having mixed feelings about." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThree humans with special abilities, and two vampirs, work together to avoid the consequences of a conspiracy and navigate through new territory in other dimensions in a desperate attempt to find home…even if it’s not where they first expected is the premise of a show I created.
LiePeople think that @CourteneyCox wore a fatsuit for all those flashbacks on #Friends, but the truth is that was actually her. She purposely gained and lost as much weight as necessary every time they needed to shoot. If that's not dedication, I guess I don't know the definition.
Open LetterDear my respiratory system, there are other things in my body capable of destroying and purging potentially dangerous foreign particulates. You don't have to expel everything that isn't oxygen. It scares my dog. Signed, the brain that is meant to control you.
Story TeaseA witness in civil court tries to support his best friend in a libel lawsuit from the defendant's neighbor, who claims that a certain social media post of his damaged her reputation, caused her to be fired, and made it difficult for her to find a new job. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI have plans to make Ferdinand Magellan, Virginia Dare, HG Wells, Rasputin, and Vincent van Gogh my characters. I was sure Isaac Asimov was in there somewhere, but now I can't find him. Perhaps I erased him after I featured him as a baby in The Advancement of Mateo Matic.
NanostoryWhen I was 13 years old, I once noticed that my phone's battery level was at 14%, the time was 15:16, the outside temperature was 17°, while the inside temperature was 18°, and my alarm was set for 19:20. This was over a century from now, in the year 2122.
Random NothingThe bottle of vitamin-enhanced flavored water I've been drinking for years tells me I should always shake it first. I never do that. The only time it gets shaken is when I drop it, which is about half the time. My fingers don't bend.
Story TeaseA metal thief is brought into the police station for questioning by a property crimes detective hunting for someone who stole everything from a house that wasn't bolted down. The thief, however, does not have the resources to pull something like that off. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaSometimes an idea for a story comes to me, and I have to write it down. I once wrote the first paragraph of a short story that I realized could never expand to be that big. Years later, it became one of my first microfiction entries ever. It's called Slug.
NanostoryLast week, I tried to see a movie. We started thinking something was weird when we were sitting there for 25 minutes, and the trailers were still playing. They ended up just showing us literally about 50 more trailers, and then the house lights went up. We were all cool with it.
“Joke”And as I lay my head down to rest, so too does the fly that was once buzzing around my room. I stopped hearing him as soon as I clapped out the light. I guess we all need our eight hours.
Story TeaseA postal service employee becomes fascinated by the process of security clearance investigation after she's reinterviewed by a clearance investigator, and hears from an old roommate who was questioned about her character. She applies to the same job herself. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaOdalis Salomon can see other people's memories. He uses his ability to help police verify alibis, but he must protect their privacy. He can only confirm or deny a suspect's involvement in the case at hand. If he witnesses some unrelated crime, he's bound by law to keep it secret.
NanostoryIt was bad enough that I opened my refrigerator and found a bowl completely full of dead flies. But then I sat down to watch TV in my chair, which faces the fridge. An hour and a half later, I open the fridge again, and the bowl is gone. That makes it so much worse.
“Joke”I've been authorized to announce my new television series will be premiering on ABCFamily. No, not Freeform; ABCFamily. The show is about time travel, so in keeping with the themes, we will be sending the broadcast to 2011. Please have enjoyed, it's your fault we'll be cancelled.
Story TeaseA serious actor is trying to take on some lighter roles, but the first project she chooses is criticized for, perhaps, being a bit TOO silly. She is attempting to reframe the narrative by participating in the press junket. It has not been going well so far. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaFourteen-year-old Carlisa was babysitting six-year-old Felicity when they met twenty-two-year-old Truman in 1983. He and Carlisa had a son named Logan in 1987, but their relationship failed, and Truman would go on to marry Felicity shortly after she became an adult in 1993.
Fake ConversationMe: "If we do this, we could be arrested for conspiracy, and you could lose your job. Not to mention…" // My parole officer: "Not to mention what?" // Me: "Well, if I told you what I don't need to mention, then I will have mentioned it, right?"
“Joke”I used to eat at #Chipotle once every week, but that was costing me too much money, so now I only eat it once a month, usually for the whole last week.
Story TeaseA college graduate applies for a job in a warehouse, but the interviewer is hesitant to hire someone like him when there are so many people looking for work with less education. But the graduate can't find any work in his field, so it's just as hard on him. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaNot even Bailey himself understands his own amber ability. He can control the limits of his body and mind, adapting them in ways he often doesn't realize are possible until they're necessary. He can hold his breath for hours, navigate the world blind, and—quite frankly—etcetera.
NanostoryI like to go to counter restaurants, pay for my food, and then just throw it all away in the nearest trashcan without a word. I always wear a very neutral facial expression, and make sure they see me, just so they can go home and ask their loved ones why the hell I just did that.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "You know, I've always wanted to live in one of those creepy darkened houses with a graveyard in the back." // Me: "Oh, I have one of those." // My parole officer: "No, you don't. I've seen your yard." // Me: "Oh, you mean marked graves? Nevermind."
Story Quote"Any help they needed they could secure from their various friends and allies, and as the owner of a whole planet, Cassidy would be forever protected from anyone who would do her harm. The trick would be convincing them to agree to it in the first place." #salmonverse #fishquotes

March 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
CharacterTriviaThough she would go on to die countless other times, Erica Phoneix [sic] felt like the first time she was reborn in the glorious fire was the true new beginning. This was when she finally understood what she was, and why she felt compelled to change her name, and shed her old identity.
NanostoryThat's it. That's all she wrote. I don't know why she stopped writing; I've always loved her work. Perhaps she wanted to end her career on a high note. Or maybe she just doesn't have anything more to say. Or she's like Harper Lee, and we'll finally get more in half a century.
“Joke”My mother always used to say, "if you got it, don't flaunt it. Keep the real you hidden from others. Don't let anyone figure you out. The key to spycraft is blending in with your surroundings, and keeping a low profile. Your father and I are secret agents."
Story Quote"While Nerakali was having a depression nap, and Leona was just having a regular nap, Mateo got online, and searched for special events. He wanted to find something light and breezy, but he found it difficult to navigate the 23rd century computer system." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaWell, if you want the full list, there's Det. Dimitri Orion, Det. Nova Meadows, Cap. Owen Talbots, Cap. Talbot Owens, Cap. Talbot Paquet, Cap. Robin Paquet, Dr. Mag. Det. Haven Epiphany, Det. Silas Panther, Candida Dalliance, and Al. Det. Kaden August. All are subject to change.
LieA sheep's wool isn't made of fur. It's actually a unique substance called fibriactic skin, or fibral dermis. It doesn't hurt them when you sheer it off, but it isn't exactly a pleasant experience either, which explains why they're such assholes all the time.
“Joke”Don't ever shake a present that someone has given you. You don't know what it is; it could be a baby.
Story TeaseA convicted, but recovering, arsonist goes to a hearing for a crime that he not only did not commit, but which may not be a crime at all. He believes the fire to have been started on accident, and not through arson. The judge is listening to him intently. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaUeslo ka Yef is an autophage, which means her own body will consume part of itself—even including certain sections of the brain—to prepare for battle. The boost in energy obviously comes with a downside. It forces her to enter a fugue state which won't end until the battle does.
Movie PitchA zombie movie where people who are turned still retain the part of their mind that makes them love their hometown (probably Boston). They instinctively don't cross city limits. At the end, survivors make it to the next town over, where people are just like, "hey, what's up?"
Random NothingIf a train leaves the station going 50 km/h at 08:43 heading West, and a car leaves the same station at 08:49 heading East
Story TeaseA young woman is asked a series of questions by a psychologist, but she starts to come up with her own questions, like what the point of it all is, and whether the way she responds is what the interviewer is actually testing. Nevertheless, she answers them. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaHere is every alias that s/he has ever used (subject to change, if that's where the story takes me): Ed Bolton, a.k.a Ned Bolton, a.k.a Teddy Bolton, a.k.a Eddie Bolton, a.k.a Edward Bolton, a.k.a Theodore Bolton, a.k.a Theo Delaney, a.k.a Téa Stendahl, a.k.a Thea Stendahl.
NanostoryThey should make snow that doesn't fall on the street. What you do is genetically modify a swarm of snow in a controlled environment, force the desired trait to be a dominant gene, then introduce them to the wild, where they will mate with regular snow. A few generations later…
“Joke”If you stuck a lump of coal up Cameron's ass, in two weeks, Cameron would be dead, and the autopsy report would show that he died from having a lump of coal stuck up his ass. It would be your fault, and you would have to keep killing people to hide the truth.
Story TeaseA seasoned reporter is called into his superior's office because of his lack of interest in interviewing an internet personality. The news editor treats their discussion like a journalistic interview, asking questions about why he's reluctant to play ball. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaLutea Lo Jernigan possesses what is known as an integrant name. You can call her Lutea Lo or Madam Lo Jernigan, but you can't call her Lutea or Madam Jernigan. The "Lo" part is not a middle name, and is never excluded. It is integral to her designation, and part of her identity.
NanostoryI planned the crime so carefully so as to get arrested, convicted, and sentenced to exactly seven years in prison. As soon as I got out, my bad credit score was expired, and I was completely debt free. I don't understand why everyone doesn't do this.
“Joke”He's not my grandfather's dog, he's my grandfather dog. Everyone has two grandfathers, two grandmothers, and a granddog, who's your grandfather, or grandmother, but also a dog. It can be male or female, but you only get one. You don't have those? Your universe is weird.
Story TeaseA hard-hitting and serious journalist reluctantly interviews an internet personality who rose to fame when she started posting video reviews of geeky movies from the perspective of someone who wasn't really paying attention to the story, for comedic effect. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI came up with a series called Back Burner to be a sort of reservoir for all these ideas I had that didn't fit in their own stories, or as part of other preexisting stories. It eventually evolved into its own independent and cohesive story, but now I've begun to split it again.
NanostoryWhat you call the Old Testament, I call the First Testament. The New Testament is the Second. The Qur'an is the third, the Book of Mormon is the fourth. What's the Fifth Testament, you ask? I shot multiple punchlines for this joke. 1984, Ayn Rand books, @chrissyteigen's tweets.
“Joke”One time in college, my high school crush lamented that her TV remote broke, so I bought her a new universal remote online, and had it shipped right to her. Years later, she married someone else, and moved to Ireland. #theincelstruggleisreal
Story TeaseA cop is called to the scene of a brutal crime wherein a six-year-old girl has really, REALLY annoyed her teacher by arguing with him about wearing her hat in class, because of the comfort it provides her. The cop is scared the little girl will murder him. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaFull Disclosure: the last story I wrote for my website was INSPIRED by a true story, but not based off of it. I didn't use any names (which I'v not been for this series anyway) and I think I modified the story significantly enough to avoid any legal issues. I mean no disrespect.
NanostoryWhen I fell asleep at the dog park, someone complained. I said that I would watch my dog later, but they didn't understand. I had to explain to them that, once I'm well rested, I'll peer back into the past, and make sure Daisy's okay. What about this are you not getting?
“Joke”Conservative: "I hate liberals, because 'liberal' has the word 'liberal' in it, and 'liberal' means 'freedom' and I hate freedom. I think I may be a fascist."
Story Quote"The Warden reluctantly looked up and over her glasses at a guard on the second level. She raised her hand, and gestured for him to come down, and presumably help transport the other two empardoned ones. Is empardoned a word? Well, it is now." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaBefore I became a writer, I dabled [sic] in writing. I came up with a virtual reality story, but realized that if I wanted to make the stakes high, I would have to do so arbitrarily. And it kind of ruined every VR story I've seen since then, including one of my favorites, The Matrix.
NanostoryI don't have a complex. I hover a few inches up, and generate holograms to make it look like my feet are touching the ground, because the air is much softer, and I'm worried about land mines. I have no issues with my height. The holograms are just necessary to keep it a secret.
“Joke”I invented the number zero. It solved a lot of math problems right away, but the Romans were pissed.
Story Quote"They looked over at Mateo, who had already experienced the memorial. He could give them insight into whether this was a good idea, if he were so inclined to divulge such information. 'Uhh…careful, spoilers?' // 'Is that a question?' Nerakali prodded." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaKierra Kerenza is unfortunately mute, but possesses a language-based amber ability. She acts as a sort of universal translator, so that people who are speaking different languages can understand each other. Her range has increased with age, and could one day cover a whole world.
NanostoryI made an app that takes all your favorite apps—Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat—and destroys them for every user that uses them; not just the ones who download my app. So, I only need one customer. People say, "Nick, you wrote a virus." And to that I say, "hmm…yeah I guess I did."
“Joke”I have magic in my butt, I don't know how to get it out.
Story TeaseA reporter for a local news station attempts to speak to the residents of Twin Hillside who oppose the construction of a new pet care facility called Wags for Days. Each has their own personal reasons for this, but are any of them valid? Here's a hint: no. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaSome humans believe that there are hidden genders, who contribute to the birth of a child in their own secretive ways. The mother and father will provide genetic material for the baby, while godlike figures may help create more abstract components, such as the soul, or even love.
NanostoryI got lost in the multiverse, and ended up in a reality where the company we know as Google was named Foogle, because in the many worlds interpretation, any reality that COULD exist, does exist. The company went bankrupt and shut down after Fmail failed to gain traction.
“Joke”At my old job, they only let me use the restroom during my designated breaks, when I would have to clock out. This job is a welcome relief. I can't believe they pay me for this crap.
Story TeaseA wealthy businessman is more bored than he thought he would be after retiring, and moving to Panama. He is seeking a part time job at a nearby resort, not because he needs the money, but because he doesn't have anything better to do. But does he deserve it? #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaSoon after the astral planes were discovered, scientists realized that astral blue wasn't much harder to access than astral indigo, and so the latter became designated for transportation of waste. So now, no matter what planet you're on, astral indigo will have a certain smell.
Fake ConversationTeacher: "The future has not yet been written." // Me: "The future will never be written. Time is not a script; it's an overpriced improv class."
“Joke”We attack at second light. Because there's first light, then it gets dark again, and gets light once more. It does this a few times before noon, but then it stays light for the rest of the day. What was I saying?
Story TeaseA man who chose to represent himself in a criminal case must now provide the court with his closing argument. So far, the proceedings have not been going well for him, and he's doubting his decision, but he knows that he can't let the jury see his weakness. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaI always knew that the character of Cody Irving was a transgender female. My problem is illustrating that truth within the text. She lives in a world where almost NO ONE is bothered by it. She would never have to explain herself to others, so it doesn't really come up naturally.
Fake ConversationDiner: "Umm, sir? I don't wanna be that guy, but you're standing in front of the emergency exit." // Me: "So…?" // Diner: "So, it's dangerous. You're blocking people's egress." // Me: "If there's an emergency, I will open the door, and then I'll hold it open for everyone else."
Dumb DittyYou are my sunshine, my only sunshine! Someone destroyed the real sun, and now we only have eight minutes to live!
Story TeaseA grieving mother tries to keep her composure as a homicide detective ask the first questions she'll need answered to begin the investigation into her daughter's death. As they continue, the detective learns that she has a striking connection to the family. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaDwarves were genetically engineered to survive in the harsh environment on the heavy world of Darrow. Civilization on the homeworld came crashing down before a single transport ship left the surface. The first group to make this journey had to do so after the end of the world.
Fantasy ConversationMe: "Ugh, that is so irritating." // Passenger: "Excuse me, are you calling my son irritating?" // Me: "Yes. He's screaming." // Passenger: "The change in air pressure is hurting his ears." // Me: "I understand. My ears are hurting too. BECAUSE YOUR CHILD IS SCREAMING INTO THEM!"
“Joke”Actually, young girls' hearts are the only place on Earth where magic can't survive.
Story TeaseA communications major undergoes her third interview for a position at a scientific magazine. Even though she has technically already been hired, they have to get to know her better to place her on the right team. But first, she must learn how it all works. #interviewtranscripts
CharacterTriviaWhen Mario Matic and Aura Gardner first met the man they would soon learn was their son in an alternate reality, they both attempted to have their memories of him implanted in their brains. Unfortunately, as salmon, they enjoyed no control over their lives, and were both refused.
Future HistoryLegislation passed in 2053 that outlawed zoos, allotting anyone involved seven years to convert their facilities to animal sanctuaries. Sixteen zoos across the whole country failed the deadline, and had to pay a heavy fine, which was ultimately donated to neighboring sanctuaries.
LieI watch twelve movies a day…fourteen if they're short, and up to sixteen. I did once watch eighty-nine, but that was because I accidentally entered another temporal dimension, and didn't realize it.
Story QuoteShe went through the gamut in under a minute. Sadness that her husband was dead. Happiness that they were time travelers, and he was still alive. Anger that his death was inevitable. Fear that they still didn't know when it was he would actually die. Ugh. #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSome have asked how I concluded that the lowest number of people an isolated population needs to survive is 147. Well, you see, it's more complex than that. Those people are never meant to stay isolated forever, but encounter other groups of 400 or 500 a few generations later.
Fake ConversationOld Girlfriend: "Yeah, actually I'm doing pretty great. I'm dating someone new now." // Me: "Really? Someone new? How new?" // Old Girlfriend: "Two weeks." // Me: "Oh my God! You're dating a baby?! You're sick!"
Clever ObservationI've always wanted to ask the Butthole Surfers, what exactly was Sharon's outlook on the topic of disease? That it's bad? Oh yeah, how insightful, Sharon and Sheriee. You two should have a talk show. There are actually a lot of things I wish I could ask the Butthole Surfers.
Story Quote"Leona reached down and retrieved her Cassidy cuff. After she put it back on her wrist, she pressed a few buttons. “We three need to talk,” she said. “Alone.” // Before she could teleport them somewhere, Mateo felt compelled to take hold of newcomer J.B." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaShadow Skyfern is Merit’s husband. He sees the massive inheritance as an opportunity to turn the company around, and make it more respectable. Unfortunately for him, he finds himself exerting far less influence than he hoped he would. It puts a heavy strain on their relationship.
Fantasy ConversationGuy who pulled all the way forward in a diagonal parking lot: "…" // Me: "Hey, idiot! Now you're pointed in the wrong direction!" // Guy trying to back into a space: "…" // Me: "Hey, idiot! It takes more effort—and more time—to back into a space than it does to back out!"
Fake ConversationClerk: "That'll be $9.23." // Me: "I would like to pay for the meal for the car ahead of me too." // Clerk: "You mean the one that just drove off?" // Me: "Yes, could you reverse time real quick?" // Clerk: "Uhh…that comes with a $45 surcharge." // Me: "That's fine."
Story TeaseA psychologist tries to determine if a defendant can reasonably plead insanity in order to avoid certain punishment for his crime. She starts to question the validity of these claims, however, when her patient spontaneously shifts strategies mid-interview. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThere are three primary species of humans in the biverse: Legitimate, Universal, and Earthan. They can almost never interbreed, for even though they are all human, they are genetically dissimilar enough. Keaton Palmer is an exception to this, and no one has ever figured out why.
Fake ConversationMe: "Ice cream is my kryptonite." // Parole officer: "You're not really using that word right. I mean, maybe it's a psychological weakness, but it doesn't hurt you." // Me: "No, it does. I eat too much ice cream, and I get fat, so I can't kick your ass for trying to correct me."
“Joke”Here's a fun fact: insects don't produce smell. You've probably never thought much about it but you also couldn't tell me what any bug smells like, could you? It's important to learn something new everyday.
Story TeaseAn unskilled laborer has an unremarkable interview with a maintenance supervisor. They just go through the motions until they both realize that all that matters here is whether the candidate is reliable, and sufficiently experienced. It ain't rocket surgery. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaFermion Charm was born on the quinary planet of Edasme, but dreamed of being closer to the Verge, so he went to school on quaternary planet Xo-ser, and moved to tertiary Ruhje after graduation. He was going to move to Mynung when the Universal Military Force finally accepted him.
NanostoryI've finished the first draft of my new book, about a man who buys a car that doesn't have any USB ports. My publisher has asked me to post an excerpt from it, to give you a taste of what's to come. I think you're gonna find it exciting. "Chapter One: Today…our phones all died."
“Joke”Peter: "Hey Sergeant, pepper? // Sergeant: "No, thanks. But I'll take some salt, Peter."
Story TeaseA new clearance investigator conducts an interview with someone who's never even been outside the city. The job requires a lot of travel, so her application was flagged. She's not done anything wrong, and on it's own, it's not suspicious. It's just unusual. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaWhen I started writing The Advancement of Mateo Matic, I didn't know who Mateo was, or what he had done with his life up to that point. If I could go back in time, I would probably give a little bit more background, so the catalyst in the first installment would be more jarring.
Language JokeIf you accidentally take too many steroids, or the league is about to give you a drug test, you can always counteract the effects, and conceal its detection, by taking asteroids.
“Joke”I thought @Chris_Marquette's real name was Chrism Arquette, and that he was related to @DavidArquette, @CourteneyCox Arquette, @RoArquette, @PattyArquette, and Larry David (don't ask me why I thought HE was involved). Yes, Chrism sounds like a weird name, but who am I to judge?
Story TeaseA police captain steps in to interrogate a suspect in a series of murders that use the same M.O. as a series she investigated years ago as a detective. Everyone thinks the suspect is too young to have committed the original murders, but she's not convinced. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaArden Rivera is a badass, and that's probably the best way to sum up her amber abilities. She was born with coordinated skills that allow her to fight in any hand-to-hand combat situation, remains in peak physical condition with no need to train, and can heal faster than normal.
NanostoryMy species evolved with what essentially come down to taste buds in our butts. Evolutionary biologists claim our ancestors used to be able to detect medical conditions through their own stool, but I hesitate to believe that. I think we were just genetically engineered as a joke.
“Joke”I'm working on a new dating app. Our gimmick is that you can only match with me. So you set up a profile, and if I want to know more about you, I'll let you know. Only $19.95 a month. Good luck.
Story TeaseA sportscaster is given a rare opportunity to interview an athlete who has competed in five sports on a professional level. The 70-year-old man, who is presently a golfer, claims to have something big to announce, the assumption being it's his retirement. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaWell, you've seen him wink. You've heard people talk about him. You may know who he is already, or maybe not. To many, he's from the future, but depending on who you are, that may just mean the past. Salmon, choosers, humans, allow me to finally introduce you to…Everest Conway.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "Hey, man, you want some of this?" // Me: "Nah, I'm good; never touch the stuff. My body is a temple. The only things I put in it are gluten, high fructose corn syrup, and MSG."
Funny StoryWhen I was in third grade, my best friend—who was three years my junior—sat me down and said, "son…" (he always called me 'son' but never explained why). He said, "son, you have a face for radio…and a voice for print." So I became a writer.
Story Quote"I wish I could tell you some stories about him that I experienced first hand, but he's not yet been through any of that, so I can't muddy the timeline. I can tell you, however, that he never loses that effortless benevolence and compassion he has now." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Story QuoteAfter the introductions, this new group of ragtag elites—as Vidar called them—just stood around. Everyone had their own idea of how to move forward, and how they could, as individuals, contribute. So now they all just needed to get it out into the open." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon Trivia[I've had some trouble coming up with good canon trivia to fit in this slot, and remembering to do it. We're living in crazy times, and things are only getting worse. I'll probably have more time on my hands now that everything's shutting down, so bear with me while I catch up.]
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "Do you have cell service when you travel to South America?" // Me: "Si, Claro."
“Joke”I think it's about time the lyricist who wrote that song finally tells us which one is the sea, and which one is the shining sea. I mean, I can guess, but I wanna hear it straight from the horse's mouth. I want her to admit it.
Canon TriviaSince Gavix is so old, he's spent a lot of time with some really big projects. He's seeded life all across the universe, and constructed many megastructures. He's also done pointless things, like programming an entire operating system from scratch in binary using a two-drum set.
NanostoryNow, I know I have trouble recognizing people's faces, but I can't be this inaccurate. There's something fishy going on with this plane. I've counted no fewer than eleven flight attendants, walking the aisles. We're only going from Kansas City to St. Louis. We barely need two.
“Joke”Y'all are behind. I already got covid-21. #COVID21, ba-by! This original joke has been brought to you by my mindbrain. Don't google it to see if anyone else already made a similar joke. I certainly didn't.
Story TeaseA newly promoted detective works his first case alone, which he thinks will be fairly easy, but the more he talks with the supposed witness, the more complicated things get, and the more he wonders if he should ask for help from someone with more experience. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaLincoln's ability to see all of time and space is limited every moment that he uses it. He never sees everything all at once, so when Lamar Prebensen showed up in 2019 from the future, he didn't see it coming. Lamar already knew who Lincoln was, though, and wanted to be friends.
Dog ConversationDaisy: "Why can I sometimes see, and I sometimes can't see very well?" // Me: "It's the sun. It's not always there." // Daisy: "Wull…where does it go?" // Me: "I don't know, man. Go back to chewing your bone."
Fake ConversationBiomedical Technician: "All right, you're gonna feel a little pinch. We have to inject this into your arm before you go through the stargate. It counteracts the dizziness and nausea you would feel otherwise." // Me: "Wait, what is it, exactly?" // BioTech: "It's a gateway drug."
Story TeaseA mediator tries to foster communication between a vandal, and his victim. The vandal does not deny his actions, but he claims that the victim killed his cat. She denies this, but something must have happened, so this is their chance to explain themselves. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaFor three years, the name on Austin Miller's birth certificate was just the placeholder, Baby Boy. His parents let him name himself, and he chose Hello Doctor, which was a phrase from the movie Aladdin that he couldn't stop saying. He changed it right on his seventeenth birthday.
NanostoryHe looks like that character who shows up in the second season, and while one of the regulars knows there's something wrong with him, everyone else says, "no, he's great." And then in the seventeenth episode, we find out he's a perverse serial killer, but they don't apologize.
“Joke”I was going to post something REALLY funny here, but in the future of the darkest timeline, Nazis found it seventeen years later, and got me kicked off my own film franchise. I won't tell you what I said, but it involved @realDonaldTrump, two dead pelicans, and a bucket of lube.
Story TeaseA tabloid reporter sits down with the city's mayor. The latter has recently been exposed as a regular client of sex workers, but argues that this is not a scandal, because he is romantically unattached, and does not believe that sex work should be illegal. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI sometimes have to change a character's name because a new character comes along who fits it better. I have a rule that no two characters from the same universe can share a name. Crescentia's name used to be Keegan. Keegan's name used to be Tracy. Tracy's name used to be Marcus.
NanostoryI step into the tub to take a shower and discover it to already be wet. The last time I showered was actually 26 hours ago, so it should have had plenty of time to dry, as always. I convince myself it's because of the weather, and don't check the house for intruders. I was wrong.
Dumb Ditty🎤"Mama had a chicken! Mama had a cow! Dad was proud; he didn't care how!"🎤 I'll tell you how: 🎤Mama met a rooster! Mama met a bull! Then the devil cursed her; he was all-powerful!🎤
Story TeaseA high school dropout sets a meeting with his rich neighbor for an investment opportunity. Though he lacks education, he thinks he has a great idea for a small business, but the bank rejected his loan application. Perhaps his neighbor will feel differently. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaNot everyone with the ability to experience nonlinear time has what one might call a power. There's one person who can feel what it was like to be in the past upon encountering something that was there. She can't see or hear it; just feel the environment. It's usually unpleasant.
Fake ConversationMe: "I followed instructions, and STILL cut myself in the machine, so I'm suing your client. I was watching my fingers the whole time." // Opposing Counsel: "Did you watch to make sure your fingers were OUT of the machine, or did you literally just watch them?" // Me: "Um. Pass."
“Joke”One of my greatest fears is that @StephenKing will happen upon; some of my work, and send me a message, only to tell me that I'm using semicolons wrong.
Story TeaseTwo attorneys let their personal problems interfere with their work in court. The judge calls them into her chambers to help resolve the issue, even though that is not her job at all. In the end, they just need to let it go for now, and stay professional. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaIn the beginning, many people asked Adelaide Fletcher what he was going to change his name to. He decided not to change it at all. His parents gave him that name, and he loved it, and he loved them. Anyone who thought it was weird probably didn't like transgender people anyway.
NanostoryI'm taking notes to keep up appearances, but I don't care about any of this. My notepad is going to sit on my desk for the next month. Then, when we're about to have our next meeting, I'm going to throw this page in the recycling, and start the whole charade over again.
“Joke”A fly landed on my phone's fingerprint reader, and unlocked the screen. I am looking for grant money so I can begin initial research into the possibility that everyone has what I've decided to call a "bug twin".
Story Quote"Every sentence is a life sentence, because every inmate is either capable of traveling through time, or can find someone who is. Whatever you did to get on their radar is bad enough, at least in their eyes, that you no longer deserve to ever be free." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaAfter Mateo Matic went back in time, and killed Hitler early, thereby activating the butterfly effect to erase himself from existence, so too was Erotan Blumenthal erased. But this was unacceptable, so someone used the hundemarke to protect him. Then someone blended his brain.
NanostoryMy company has already spent 354 million dollars researching ways to patent a bottle of hand sanitizer that replenishes itself using the alcohol in the air. They've gotten nowhere. I think I overestimated the amount of alcohol that's just naturally floating in the air.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer's girlfriend: "Nick, why do you cook everything at 450°, regardless of what the recipe says?" // Me: "Because the oven doesn't let me turn it to 451°." // I am quite close with my parole officer, and his family. Or hers. Have I mentioned his or her sex yet?
Story Quote"Who was in most need of rescuing, and more importantly, was he competent enough to do it? Nerakali. He wanted to save Leona first, but that was an impractical choice. Time travel was Nerakali’s arena. The responsible thing to do was to get to her first." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaThey say that you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, but The Juggler was intent on proving that wrong, so he practiced his time power every day for weeks, until he was precise enough to take the egg out, and leave the shell unharmed. Then he became a magician.
NanostoryHe WAS my boyfriend; now he's my pet. He asked a wizard to give him the brain capacity of a dog, so he could see what it was like, but just for two days, and then remember the experience later. The wizard died before he could turn him back. That's why he's sniffing your butt.
Sad ConversationMe: "You have these inside jokes, and never invite me to drinks after work. I just feel like I'm always on the outside, looking in." // Co-worker: "You do? Okay, we'll be more sensitive to that, and remember to keep the proverbial curtains closed, so you can't look in anymore."
Story TeaseA recent lottery winner wants to set up a self-sustaining charitable foundation, rather than just donate his money until it's all gone. He needs an assistant for the endeavor, but he's new to this, so he's not completely sure what—or who—he's looking for. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThe Amaigaben, who originally come from planet Herri, are born with six fingers on one hand. Folk history suggests that this is why they developed a base-11 numbering system (which is otherwise unheard of). So they wouldn't say 100 percent. They would say 121 perunviginticenti.
Dumb DittySweetie pie, I'm your sweetie pie. You're my sweetie pie, and I'm your guy.
Random NothingWe open on an office building cafeteria. There is only one cashier. Two lines form, on either side of her station. She accidentally gives the credit card to the guy on the wrong side. He takes it, and runs off. Bruce Willis spends the rest of the movie chasing after him.
Story TeaseA uniformed officer is attempting to ascertain the basic facts of a crime reported at a residence, but the family living there is being unpredictable. She mostly just needs to know what was stolen, but they want to give her a lot more information than that. #interviewtranscripts

April 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Canon TriviaWhile the other three superspecies chose their own paths towards technological enlightenment, the Cythereans chose to look inward, focusing on organic body modifications, and genetic engineering, so they could breed the need for technology out of their race. Then they disappeared.
Language JokeDo you feel out of touch with current events? Do your coworkers carry on conversations that you can't follow. Do you just want news summaries? Well, visit my new website for your daily cursory news articles. For all intensive purposes, please seek more comprehensive resources.
“Joke”I was walking down the street, minding my own business. This guy comes up to me, and is like, "have you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart?" And I'm like, "all hail, Lord Xenu." He said, "wrong religion." So I replied, "all religions are wrong!" Then I had sex with a man.
Story TeaseA quiet but determined journalism student sets up an interview for her school newspaper with a high school dropout who is trying to start his own local drone courier service business, but she may have more personal reasons for requesting this assignment. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaEvery volume of The Advancement of Mateo Matic has majorly changed the status quo. Vol. 2: new timeline. Vol 3: trapped on an island on another planet. Vol 4: main character shift. Vol. 5: exoplanet exploration. So what's in store for vol. 6? Eh, let's just call it a soft reboot.
Fake ConversationMom: "Son, you've been promising to go to the dentist every time I've asked you for the past four years. Call them today." // Me: "I actually went two days ago. I can prove it. They gave me a toothbrush." // Mom: "Okay, where is it?" // Me: "Oh, I ate it already."
Random NothingSpeaking of cashiers—I mentioned a cashier in a tweet a couple days ago—keep up—every time I say something about cashiers, I have to say cash register as well, because I don't feel like the word "cashier" really sounds like a person. So I have to remind myself it is indeed right.
Story TeaseA young journalism student speaks with her therapist about an encounter she had with an interview subject. He wasn't crude, or anything, but it wasn't the first time a man has completely misinterpreted her professional interest in him, and she needs advice. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaWhen aliens first came across them, the Mascos had a hard time communicating through the language barrier. It took a dangerously long time for them to explain that the suits they wore were not to protect them against others, but to protect others against the arsenic-based Mascos.
NanostoryWhen you blow on a dandelion, your saliva adheres to the calyx tissue, and binds your genetic material to that of the seed. When that seed grows into a new dandelion, a part of you remains in its genetic code, like a child. There is a little bit of you…spread all over the world.
Dumb DittyDEVO: 🎤"Crack that whip!"🎤 // Me: "No, thanks. I'm not into that." // DEVO: 🎤"Whip it good!"🎤 // Me: "I didn't sign up for that. I'm just gonna go." // DEVO: 🎤"My safeword is 'alternator'!"🎤 // Me: "I don't need to know that. I respectfully decline."
Story TeaseA film school student wins a contest to be a guest director for a major network television series. She agrees to do an interview with an entertainment channel, but starts getting annoyed when she realizes the interviewer just wants to ask about her gender. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaYears ago, I started coming up with a list of a couple dozen alien races. I determined where they were from, and how they came to be. But I've yet to make most of them canon, even in my unpublished works, so I'm not sure if I should keep them around, or rework the whole thing.
Fake ConversationMy Lawyer: "Nick, we're taking evidence photos. We're trying to show the court how brutal the crash was. Stop smiling." // Me: "Sorry, I'm just so used to smiling in pictures." // My Lawyer: "That's not true. I've known you for nineteen years. You've literally never smiled once."
“Joke”I can't decide if I like Frank Grillo, or if I have no strong feelings about Frank Grillo.
Story Quote"Erlendr Preston is not a good guy. If he wants to stop me, he can. If he doesn’t, then it’s fine for me to be honest. In fact, it’s probably best, because I imagine he can tell when people are lying, and I don’t wanna know what he does to those people." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaVolpsidia Raske has psychic abilities. She can read minds, and can sometimes control people's actions. She lives in a universe defined by time travel, yet she does not seem to have time powers. Why? Because every universe has psychic abilities. Any human has the potential for it.
LieI'm always the anonymous whatever. I'm the anonymous donor of that hospital wing. I painted that graffiti anonymously. If there's a quote that you don't know who first said it, or it's been misattributed to someone else, that was me too. It's me every time, with no exception.
“Joke”I've seen all seventeen seasons of #HowtoGetAwayWithMurder—it's weird that The Discovery Channel just released all 940 new episodes at once—and I've still not learned how to get away with murder. I get caught every time. And I take good notes. I want my money back.
Story Quote"This could be their one chance to escape, but they were too frightened to do anything. They couldn’t think clearly. They had never been so powerless. But he was thinking clearer than ever, and possessed more power than he had ever known what to do with." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSomething you would have only noticed if you were a diehard fan of my web stories—and to be that, you would have to be a fan first, and a reader even before that—is that Mateo's pattern is one day off in Reality 1, as illustrated in Reavers Wobble. That's about to come up again.
NanostoryHere's something you should know. There's a cabal of demon-worshipers who are trying to possess my body. I don't know why, but it gets harder every day to fight them off. I personally hate onions, and I don't drink alcohol or coffee. If you ever see me consume those, you run.
“Joke”I just caught a huge fish. The weirdest part was that I wasn't even fishing. I was just sitting in my bed. But hey, I don't look a gift fish in the mouth. Free dinner, two nights in a row.
Story TeaseA product surveyor conducts a survey for a new line of pseudomedicinal drinks, but the only people she could get in the door to take her survey are two wacky misfits who are more interested in socializing than helping her company understand their customers. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaDeath is final. Your soul only "lives" on, because it is more abstract than physical, and does not "exist" in the same way our bodies and minds do. Any afterlife you uncover when you die, therefore, is a constructed system by advanced technology, rather than a natural phenomenon.
LieI've been to Alderaan. Trash everywhere. Ya know, when you see pictures, or even footage, of the planet, those are really the only good parts of it. And it was clear that those parts were cleaned up just for the advertisements. It's otherwise a garbage world. Would not recommend.
Nanostory"Hi, Nick. Here's the 815-document, 2,300-page project I need completed by 9:00 this morning. Clipped. I'm about to get on a plane, and won't be back in the office for a week, but if I find out this hasn't been collecting dust on my desk for seven days, you're gonna get fired."
Story TeaseA journalist attempts to get some answers out of a local election administrator who has been accused of manipulating district borders to favor particular candidates. The administrator does not deny his actions, but claims that they're not actually unethical. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaI went to the movie theatre to see We Own the Night in 2007. There's a scene where a boom mic appears briefly. Another audience member also noticed this, and shouted BOOM MIC for us all to hear. I credit this stranger with inspiring the name of my mercenary character, Boom Mike.
Good PointThe word "movie" always sounded dum-dum to me. Like, "when I was a kid, I loved going to see the stillies. I met my wife at a stillie show, ya see. Now these kids these days, all they talk about is the movies. Pretty soon they'll be begging for talkies. It's a travesty—TRAVESTY!"
“Joke”Ugh, I hate it when my wife tells me to do something in person. I can never remember, love. Send me a text message, or even an email. I don't care if we're sitting right next to each other, I need that paper trail.
Story TeaseA data gatherer for an online video news outlet is tasked with asking people on the street their thoughts on the virus' impact on elections. He has instead decided to ask his friends some less intense questions about their experiences with social distancing. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaI have wanted to do a superhero story for awhile now, where a character uses time-tech in creative ways to fight crime, but there's never been a place. I created The Parallel in order to do a soft reboot, and run such conflicting stories. S/he still needs a vigilante codename.
SomethingHalf of the words in the Indo-European language family are based on several disparate roots, which mean "to turn". This is exaggerated to be fictional, but there's a little bit of truth to it. I'm amending this tweet when I'm meant to be working on canon trivia for yesterday.
“Joke”There's a flaw in the second season of #StrangerThings where they drop a bunch of meat on the ground to lure Dart, the demodog to their trap. I ate it all before the demodogs found it.
Story TeaseA career janitor goes to a security clearance interview. Though he won't be working directly with any sensitive documents, he will have access to the rooms where they're kept, so the company needs to know that he'll only ever do his job, and then get out. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaOkay, I didn't get to say everything I wanted to when I teased the time-tech superhero yesterday. Not only do I not know his vigilante codename, but I also didn't know his real name. I've since named him Declan Aberdeen, and you'll meet him Sunday (sort of). He's still a baby.
NanostoryI've died many, many times, but I was only ever martyred once. It was the year 1506, and after the angry mob was finished with me, I was left to bleed to death on the steps of a Catholic church. Soon thereafter, I became the patron saint of patron saints.
“Joke”I lived in a sorority house until I was 15. I was 17 before I realized where I had been. I thought I just had over a hundred sisters, each of which would only live with us for about four years. I missed so many good opportunities, lemme tell you.
Story TeaseA focus group moderator shows some teenagers the pilot for a new television series, then asks them questions about what they thought of it. They have some interesting responses, and she wonders whether they're taking it seriously, and if they should anyway. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaDwarves—as in, the subspecies—are genetically nearly identical to humans. Latter scientists never figured out what it is about their genetics that make all male dwarves completely hairless, except for their beards, and all the females hairless, except on the top of their heads.
NanostoryA cop pulls me over for speeding. "It's dark and stormy," I explain. "There's too much traffic." She says, "that's why it's dangerous to speed." I say, "no, it's more dangerous to constantly look at my speedometer than it is to focus solely on the road." She throws out my ticket.
“Joke”I took a picture of myself every day for 21 years. Tomorrow…I will not release them. These are just for Lord Xenu, Lord of Science and Justice.
Story Quote"He starts to leave, but I urge him to wait as I’m finding the remote. I see that I'm in a hospital bed, but this just looks like a bedroom. Once I’m sitting up, I catch my breath. I have to help these people however I can. I guess I owe them that much." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaWhen a Freemarketeer guard—operating on President Treacy's behalf—tried to kill Brooke Prieto as the ship was falling apart, her daughter flipped out, and killed everyone else in the room. At least that's what she thought. One of the guards survived, but he couldn't last forever.
NanostoryI like her, but I don't want to tell her, and I don't want to tell someone else, to tell her. I just want her to figure it out on her own, then cut to a week later, and we're married, and planning our family. I don't much care for all the awkward stuff in the middle.
“Joke”I cut myself on the forehead on purpose, so you would know whether you're looking at me in the present day, or me in a flashback.
Story Quote"That was because he wasn’t talking at all; he was just thinking. Mateo was reading his mind. It must be a secondary power that Nerakali never told him about. He thought hard about how he could exploit this new ability without giving his intentions away." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaMario Matic has never seen a movie in a theatre, and could come up with a short list of the ones he's seen on home video. He was a huge cryer [sic] when he was a toddler, and his parents never got over it. He started his time missions as a teenager, so it just never happened for him.
NanostoryThen he realized he may not be the only one. Perhaps others had been erased from time, and everyone's memories. "Have you ever heard of @realDonaldTrump?" he asked the man who was once his brother, but who now saw him as a stranger. // "Of course," his once-brother replied. Damn.
“Joke”No, I never said he impregnated me. I said he got me pregnant. He ordered his lieutenant to do it. That's why he's never gone to jail. He has his people commit the crimes—why did autocorrect try to change 'crimes' to 'Chinese'?—and it's nearly impossible to prove his involvement.
Story TeaseA psychologist has a first session with a patient who is very concerned with the bad thoughts he's been having. He hasn't felt like this before, and he's worried that he's turning into a bad person, and that he will one day suddenly act on his compulsions. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaI had this idea for the Gardner-Bellamy-Bolton story to involve them having to change their own names after each time jump, to avoid people noticing something weird. But they're the only time travelers who seem to have to do this, and I almost regret it as a creative decision.
NanostoryMy boss' nephew is the worst worker I've ever met. He never completes something without screwing it up, and he never acknowledges it. I can't fire him, so I just put him in charge a massive new project that doesn't exist. I spend half my day sending him fake files to analyze.
“Joke”I have some extra melanin, if anybody needs some. Get it while it's cold and dark. This is a seasonal product. Is this racist? This is racist. Who the hell wrote this? I didn't. I sure as hell don't remember it. Everything I post here sounds familiar, but not this. Not at all.
Story TeaseThe judge and jury hear the opening statements for a murder case at the start of the trial. For brevity's sake, I have removed the majority of the prosecutor's opener, from the beginning, and also the majority of the end of the defense attorney's opener. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaI'm presently working on a way to integrate a character called The Ostracizer into my main-run stories. He can banish anything to a pocket dimension, and retrieve it later. I've mentioned him, but he has never been a real character. Let me know if you have any ideas. LOL, right.
NanostoryYou know those personal traffic drones that everybody has; the ones that fly above your car, and let you see what the traffic looks like from the sky? Those would be a lot more effective if there was some way of distinguishing my car. They all look the same from that high up.
“Joke”Black Person 1: "Do you smell bacon?" // Black Person 2: "Yeah, I do." // Police Officer: *shoots them both* // Bacon Salesperson: *calls 911* // Society: "Blue Lives Matter!"
Story TeaseAn artist goes to an interview for a prestigious art institute. As she and the interviewer discuss her plans, they both start to question whether formal education is the place for her, or if she should pursue a more practical degree, and teach herself art. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaChristopher Clark is half black.
Fake ConversationLittle River Band: "Have you heard about the lonesome loser?" // Me: "I try not to call people names. It's really rude." // Little River Band: "He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'!" // Me: "Maybe you would choose your words more wisely if you knew what it was like."
“Joke”I had to spend some time as a pollo-pescaterian before I could go full vegetarian. It always takes me awhile to woke. I'm posting this around midnight this morning. Which means I have about eight hours to legit become vegetarian. I had hoped I would have already done it by now.
Story TeaseA marketer runs a one-on-one survey with one of his company's clients, trying to get an idea of what kind of new services people want to see from them in the future. He might find out, though, that they selected the wrong person to participate in the study. #interviewtranscripts
“Canon” TriviaI wrote a LOST fanfic in 2005, hoping to be published. There were two books, which I wrote concurrently. It introduced three secret characters, one of whom was the only survivor of the cockpit section. They would all turn out to have surprising connections to the main characters.
“Joke”I'm on a new diet, so I'm not allowed to eat my words anymore, so I stand by my burning hatred of pandas, and I won't hide it just to make everyone else feel safe.
“Joke”I used to think that RPM measured "how many times the engine's crankshaft makes one full rotation every minute, and along with it, how many times each piston goes up and down in its cylinder" but now I know that it's a random number that means literally nothing, and isn't useful.
Story TeaseA gifted high school freshman is given the opportunity to speak with an admissions representative for a very good university, but the interviewer is not so enthusiastic about taking time out of his day for someone who won't graduate for another three years. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaKalea Akopa was born on January 23, 2017. She was known as the delightful source mage until she disappeared on April 23, 2047. While she always tried to remain optimistic, it wasn't always easy, and she considered her disappearance to be the best thing that ever happened to her.
NanostoryI know it's not considered safe, and I would never recommend this to anyone—I trained for 17 years before they gave me a car, and another 9 before they gave me a phone—but I always drive while texting. If a message comes in, I get in the car, and start driving, before I respond.
Fake ConversationMe: "I know how to say 'it is mine' in Spanish." 'Es mío.'" // My parole officer: "Do you know how to say 'it is yours'?" // Me: "In what context would that ever come up? That doesn't exist."
Story Quote"The condo I bought a long time ago has been used for many different things by many different people. I probably lived there for the shortest amount of time, but I still technically own it. I’m glad it’s been there to help so many people. It is a joy." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaEseosie Bristol's nickname is Shock Bristol? Why? Well, because I once decided to name a character Seoc. Half of the audio samples I found online seemed to model its pronunciation on "Sean" so it sounds like "shock". The others? Well, they just spelled it out: S-E-O-C. Eseosie.
Fake ConversationMe: "You look like you've seen a ghost." // My parole officer: "What? How so? I'm smiling." // Me: "Yeah. You've never read Casper, The Friendly Ghost?"
“Joke”My comedian friend tried to school me on the difference between a sketch and a skit, after I used the latter wrong. He's a butterfly now.
Story Quote"They just chowed down silently, as if their crazy uncle had just said something ambiguously sexual about his nephew’s fiancée at thanksgiving dinner, but he was helping to pay for the wedding, so no one could argue. This went on for about ten minutes." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaWhen two alt versions of the "same" person want to quantum assimilate with each other, they'll only be using one of their bodies. Whichever one they don't use is meant to be abolished to oblivion. It's rare, but this isn't always what happens. The other one sometimes survives.
LieThe average car is built with about 25 parts or pieces that serve no function, or are so pointlessly redundant that the vehicle would actually be better without them. For a semi-truck, that number gets closer to 90. Interestingly enough, a plane will only have about 10.
HypotheticalEvery time you give an answer to one of those "would you rather…" hypotheticals, you are damning a version of you living in an alternate reality to those new dynamic conditions. They have no choice but to live without the internet for five years, or forever drink only lemonade.
Story TeaseA woman is having some legal issues with a business she purchased a product from. She tried getting it resolved directly, but they refused to fix it. She can't afford an attorney, so she's now at the library, hoping to read enough to find a solution herself. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaIf a time traveler is sent—whether as prompted by someone, or spirited away against their will—on an adventure through spacetime, and are then returned right back to when and where they were when they left, it's called temporal repatriation. They may remember everything, or not.
Fake ConversationNoble Man: "I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees." // Me: "I would rather rule on my ass. MOAR GRAPES!"
Die Hard XI'm not sure I have Twitter's location settings configured right, but I'm here. I'm not doing one more thing until you let me talk to her, though. I want proof that she's still alive. I wanna hear her voice. Slide into my DMs, or I'm cutting losses, and contacting the police.
Story TeaseA high school junior has a very promising interview at an Ivy League university. As they're talking, they come to believe that they have a mutual friend. The more they get into it, however, they realize this other individual is actual more of a mutual enemy. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaOn the other world, all cars are driven on the right side of the road, with the driver sitting on the left. Why? Why does this matter? Well, most people are right-handed, so engineers knew it only made sense to always have the ingition [sic] on the right side of the steering column.
NanostoryI'm not confused about why dogs sniff each other's butts. I just don't understand why it takes so long. When I sniff someone's butt, I fairly quickly gather the info I need (health condition, sexual maturity, etc.) but I don't have to crouch there forever. What's up with that?
ReferenceI haven't gotten to my tape yet. I must be on Tape 8.
Story TeaseA privileged, but not entitled, trust fund kid is bored with his life, and decides he wants to actually contribute to society. He's looking for a job, but no one will hire someone with zero years of experience. This latest interviewer has some ideas, though. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThe most common method of executing craft engagements is with voice commands. This is how the system was built billions of years ago. But some witches can't speak, or would rather not. Instead, they dance, or finger-tut. Yet others like to embellish engagements through melody.
NanostoryThis woman who thought I cut her off, started chasing me down the highway, so I sent her consciousness back in time, to just before she left her house. She would have been too freaked out to leave at the exact same time as she did in the first timeline, sparing me her road rage.
Hard TruthWanna feel old? God is dead.
Story TeaseA family tries to be respectful of an individual who has come to their door for a census survey. The questions seem normal at first, but then get too personal, and they start to question whether he even works for the Census, or if he has some other agenda. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaAll his classmates wanna know how he's so cool and mature. He's never been in a relationship, and he doesn't have any friends, but everyone likes him. He freely admits he's from the future, trapped in his younger body in the past, because he knows no one will believe him anyway.
NanostoryI think I need better smoke alarms. I never hear them when my house catches on fire. And when I say it catches on fire, I mean when my neighbor SETS my house on fire because I didn't wave to him once. I don't know why I keep moving next to him after each fire burns my house down.
“Joke”How to survive lost in the middle of the desert with no water: uh…you don't. If someone knows where you are, try to wait for them. If not, try walking in the direction of what you think might be civilization, but you're probably gonna die.
Story TeaseA college student isn't happy with her major, and has decided to switch to something else. She sets up a meeting with a potential advisor, hoping to get some help figuring out how to make the transition work, and still graduate on time. It may be impossible. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaNo one knows where ret-gone coins come from. Some say they're based on a memory manipulator chooser, such as Tertius Valerius. But flippers aren't just removed from memory; they're removed from time itself. Surprisingly, the best guess is that they're somehow natural phenomena.
Fake ConversationMy parole officer: "Gross. Why are you doing that!?" // Me: "You see, my species needs energy and nutrition, so we often feel this…well, I don't wanna say hunger, since you obiously don't know what that means." // Parole officer: "No, I mean, why are you eating that wasp nest!?"
Real TalkYou can make any alcoholic drink better by adding a splash of lemon water, then removing all the alcohol, and finally, adding as much more lemon water as you want.
Story Quote"We have to see the miracles, though. My people deserve the truth, and I am the only one who can show it to them. I’ve been coming here ever since, waiting for someone in there to notice, and here he comes. My plan has worked. I’m about to be read in." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaIt was neither Allen, nor Richard's, dream to open up a restaurant, but it was an idea they started working on after moving in together. It all just fell into place, and before they knew it, they were a popular hotspot downtown. They even had a special section for time travelers.
NanostoryWhen the country made it illegal for a parent of a minor to be active in the military, citzens [sic] thought the population would grow too large, because people did indeed start makin' babies left and right. But with a smaller military…they didn't have to worry about too many people.
Fake ConversationPlumber who was supposed to fix my flooding problem a month ago: "Oh, that's a cool walking stick. My son's in scouts, do you like hiking?" // Me: "Yeah, I was meant to go on a 12-mile hike with my father today, but instead, I'm dealing with this crap. How's your day goin'?"
Story Quote"No, she didn’t appear so much as it was like she was always there, but Mateo had just woken up to find her. He understood, though, that she wasn’t really there at all, but they were about to have a conversation, and this was the best way to do that." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Character TriviaHolly Blue summoned her alternate self from another reality using a mirror invention that was only used this one time. After they parted ways, they never laid eyes on each other again. They didn't even happen to run into each other at Mateo's funeral, though they were both there.
Fake ConversationPerson 1: "You look familiar. I know I've seen you before, but where?" // Person 2: "Probably here. We've worked together for the last fourteen years. You hired me." // Person 1: "…nnnnoo, that's not it."
Fake ConversationMe: "Did you notice that Liv Tyler was in two different space movies opposite the same actor?" // My parole officer: "Those were not the same actor. One of them was @BenAffleck." // Me: "And the other?" // My parole officer: "Brad Pitt." // Me: "…okay, say the first name again."
Story TeaseA highly experienced executive has decided to leave his old life behind, and do something simple and rewarding. He didn't have a breakdown, or anything. He just realized he earned as much money as he would ever need, and now he's done with all that stress. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaWhen Goswin, Weaver, and Briar left Thālith al Naʽāmāt Bida in The Emma González last year in The Advancement of Mateo Matic, I had no idea where they would be headed, or what they would be doing when they arrived. I still don't. I'm sure they'll pop up sometime in the future.
NanostoryI was born 33 years ago today, but I'm actually 37.71431671233 years old, because at 30 seconds to midnight every Saturday, I step into a parallel temporal dimension, which affords me one extra day of the week. Realtime restarts at 30 seconds after midnight.
“Joke”It takes 33 years for my species to digest food, so I have never pooped before. This is frickin' weird. You people do this every year?
Story TeaseA mathematics professor is recruited into a secret branch of the government that she didn't even know existed, because it's not at all overt. She hasn't been convinced it's a legitimate organization this whole time, and the clearance interview isn't helping. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaTelepathy is something any human is capable of. It exists on all worlds, in all universes. Yes, even Earthans in Universe Prime can be telepathic. You've probably used it without realizing it. You've never carried on a conversation, but you have formed psychic bonds with others.
NanostoryNever in a million years did I think I would live a million years, but here I am, at my millionth birthday party with all my friends. Of course no one else showed up, idiot. They all died about nine-hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred and twenty years ago.
“Joke”I keep asking people, but no one seems to know what the hell t-freaking-mesis is!
Story TeaseAn actor discusses his retirement with a celebrity interviewer, as if anybody cares. The interviewer tries to remain respectful and polite, but ultimately can't help but reveal that the actor was not contacted for this interview, but he requested it himself. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaIn the Composite Universe, there is a distinction between someone who has reached the highest degree in any field, and someone with significant medical expertise and authority. They don't speak English, and the translation is tough, but they don't just call them all "doctors".
Fake Conversation"Police Officer": "Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" // Innocent citizen: "Because I'm black?" // "Police Officer": "That's right! You've won a prize! Here, have a tase." // You: "Nick, I don't think this one is very funny." // Me: "Good."
Random NothingWell, when life hands you lemons, please remember to keep them away from Dr. Rodney McKay. He's allergic. #stargate #stargateatlantis #wewantstargate
Story TeaseAs a company prepares to push into another sector of the market, they first need to check in with their customers, and find out what they've been doing well, what they've done that isn't so appreciated, and how they can improve their policies and procedures. #interviewtranscripts

May 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Canon TriviaIn some cases, a traveler can move up and down the timeline at will, and cannot alter what has already happened. Most of the time, however, they aren't traveling backwards so much as they are bringing the past up to their present, and moving towards a brand new future from there.
1May FortuneUnfortunately, a lot of people have lost their jobs recently. Fortunately, I was not one of them. Unfortunately, we are all impacted, in some way, by how the economy is doing. Fortunately, I'm personally going to do okay, because I'm a bit of a survivalist. [1/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I have to pee every 42 minutes.
Story TeaseThe discourse that Magnate Representative is having with a group of her company's customers moves on from a general discussion about company divisions, and more specifically about the upcoming and secret robotics division. They're concerned about privacy. #interviewtranscripts
Character TriviaThe list of people who have ever crossed over to other universes only goes up to the thousands, though most of them are simply passengers. Some have their own means, like Meliora Rutherford, who figured it out through meditation, and by having been born a powerful time traveler.
May FortuneUnfortunately, I've never really had the money to prepare for a doomsday scenario in the way I've always wanted to. Fortunately, owning a secret underground bunker is probably not the best use of money anyway. Unfortunately, that's bad for a different reason. [2/31] #mayfortune
LieI accidentally yelled at my boss in a text because his and a spam message came in simultaneously, and I unwittingly clicked on the wrong thread. I apologized, but now…he'll never mess with me again.
Story Quote"Sometimes the people I meet don’t even realize what’s happened to them. They don’t know what they are. It is the burden I bear to deliver so much bad news like this. // 'Why’s that?' She’s confused, but she’s about to be scared. It's about to get real." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI have a list of names to use in future stories. Once I finally decide to use one, the idea is to remove it from the list, but I sometimes forget. I accidentally named two characters Indvo. They live in two separate universes, and could never be the same person. What can I do?
May FortuneFortunately, there will not likey [sic] be a single moment that defines the end of the world, like a bolide impact, or a sudden nuclear war. Unfortunately, this means that the end of civilization will come slowly and painfully. Fortunately, it may not happen at all. [3/31] #mayfortune
Fake ConversationMe: "What is this?" // My parole officer: "It's chamomile tea." // Me: "I don't want that garbage. I said chameleon tea." // My parole officer: "You eat weird things, man. First storks, now chameleons. What exactly is wrong with you?" // Me: "I've been on parole for forty years."
Story Quote"Alexina used the sharp end of the earring to prick Leona’s finger, letting only two drops fall onto her pedestal. She then pricked her own finger, and dropped some of her blood. She looked back to watch the vault door behind her swing open on its own." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaVampires require human blood, because their natural blood is an inefficient oxygen transporter, and infrared radiation hinders the process even further. But over the centuries, vampires have become less and less dependent on transfusions, and a permanent cure might be possible.
May FortuneUnfortunately, if world's end does come for us, it will happen so gradually that we may not really understand that it's coming. Fortunately, there will almost always be a way to come back from the brink of total destruction. Unfortunately, I said almost always. [4/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I'm Nick Fisherman, and I don't really approve this message. Unfortunately, my FORMER..campaign manager never listened to what I wanted. Welp, he's gone now, so there's a position open, if you want it. No experience necessary. Must be willing to shut up, and do what I say.
Story TeaseA superfan gets the opportunity to interview her favorite self-help author about the follow-up to his hit book about going for what you want without thinking. This second one is more about exploring internal feelings, rather than modifying external behavior. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThere is a planet that is literally inside of the sun. It rolls around periodically, almost as if in an orbital pattern. Surface temperatures are comparable to those found in the core of normal planets, and inhabitants reside in the equilibrium core, where it's relatively safe.
May FortuneFortunately, there are usually some really smart people who have a decent idea of what's going to happen in the future, and how our actions are problematic. Unfortunately, such people may not be loud enough for the majority of us to hear, or for word to spread. [5/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”The @NSAGov just furloughed me. I guess they don't have much need for a psychic who can only read a terrorist's mind if he's touching them to binge @netflix at the black site ten hours a night.
Story TeaseA high school student tries to get a job that he's not exactly qualified for, but his family is desperate for some extra money, and he's hoping the employer is willing to work with him, and get him up to speed. The interviewer isn't sure she has the time. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaPrisons, and other means of being trapped, come up a lot in my stories. Characters build holding cells in the most unusual of places, and I mention several facilities regularly. This stems equally from my fear of being unfairly locked up, and my love of clever escape scenarios.
May FortuneFortunately, if the right people hear the right warnings, we can keep things from ending up at a point of no return. Unfortunately, many of these people don't exist, and their positions are currently being held by the willful ignorant, the evil, and the greedy. [6/31] #mayfortune
LieIt's physically impossible to install an elevator on an airplane. It's easy to make a plane with more than one level, but a lift would cause it to take a nosedive everytime it's used.
Story TeaseA journalist interviews a man who, due to new DNA evidence, was recently exonerated of his crime after spending six years in prison. Some believe, though, that he deserves to remain locked up because of the things he had to do to survive while he was inside. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThe rules of havenverse are strict. There are no special abilities, ghosts, aliens, time travel, soft scifi technology, etc. If there is a secret underground the majority of the population in your world doesn't know about, havenverse is if the "ignorant" aren't missing anything.
May FortuneFortunately, no one can maintain power forever, and we will eventually have the opportunity to replace our most ineffective or countereffective so-called leaders. Unfortunately, that takes effort. Fortunately, in this country at least, change is coming soon. [7/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I named my son Captain, so he can marry people.
Story TeaseA single father who already has one full-time job is looking for extra shifts so he can provide for his adopted son. This new dynamic demands a lot more of his time, but also more money, so he's trying to figure out how to balance income with his attention. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaSimplex dimensions are a perfect means of traveling faster than light. A higher gravitational pull means faster navigational falling, plex radiation can be harnessed to power a ship midroute, so it always remains at full charge, and on top of all that, it's a beautiful lightshow.
May FortuneUnfortunately, the whole problem with our current situation is that voting presently requires a lot of human interaction, which is not conducive to healthy social distancing policies. Fortunately, there are much safer ways of voting, such as mail-in ballots. [8/31] #mayfortune
Dumb Ditty🎤I don't wanna see you in sorrow. We'll do something fun tomorrow.🎤
Story TeaseA social media influencer has decided that she wants to try her hand at mainstream acting. She's already paid for acting lessons, and now feels ready for a talent agent. The man she's interviewing with, however, may not be working for a legitimate agency. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI devised a logographic language in 2013 for a group of characters who lived several billion years ago. I created dozens of logograms, with related terms having similar structure. For instance, "man" and "boy" look similar, while "man" and "woman" look similar in a different way.
May FortuneUnfortunately, it's in the best interest of the people in charge of our elections to not let us vote safely, which will prevent many from voting at all. Fortunately, there may be enough voters to replace them with better alternatives, regardless of roadblocks. [9/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”It puts the lotion on its skin, or else I'll do this thing where I spray you with water from a hose. From here on out, that will be your punishment for anything you do that I don't like. By the by, I'm Bill, this is my house pit. Nice to meet you.
Story Quote"Someone erased everyone’s memories, but somehow missed me. I decided the law of probability demanded I wasn’t the only one who fell through the cracks, so I spent months trying to find like-minded individuals online, but they never revealed themselves." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSince I have no clue how the logographic language I made up would sound, translating character names to Latin script can become imaginary. Why does Vesna D.D. have an apparent abbreviated last name? Well, she probably wouldn't in her native language, so is it a sex joke, or what?
May FortuneUnfortunately, the system itself is broken, and needs to be changed at a level few are willing to reach for. Fortunately, you can either move forward, or go backwards, but you can't stay in one place for long, because nature won't allow complete stagnation. [10/31] #mayfortune
Language JokeHe's so feral, it's ironic. Ooo, this language joke is a toughy. It's a bit better when you hear it out loud, but I still don't expect most people to get it.
Story Quote"He took one step back, and placed his hand on a panel on the wall. It started heating up a little, and after a few seconds, verified his identity. The panel fell to the floor, revealing a wall safe. He punched in the code, and removed a special weapon." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI don't know what a pocket dimension generator that one would use to extend the available space on a ship would look like. I've always pictured it as about the size of a watermelon, and about the shape of a watermelon. Exactly what powers the generator itself is anyone's guess.
May FortuneUnfortunately, the pandemic might be pushing us backwards, and something like it could one day happen again, and be even worse. Fortunately, I think we are now much better prepared than we were before. Unfortunately, people will still die; some avoidably so. [11/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”It's not fast food, it's fart food, because our marketing team was in a rush to get these new advertisements out, and we never bothered hiring an editor. We are working tirelessly to remedy this situation, and apologize for any distress it has caused our customers, or the public.
Story TeaseIn honor of Mother's Day yesterday, today's installment for #interviewtranscripts is another one between me and my alter ego, just like the introduction to this series. I'll obviously be discussing my mother, and my relationship with her. Normal programming will resume tomorrow.
Canon TriviaBack to the ancient logographic language, there is a class of inhabited planets called the Numerics. They're named by alphanumeric characters in a way that only makes sense in English, which again, did not yet exist. One example is F4R-T2O, which is pronounced as "ffourr-ttwoo".
May FortuneFortunately, medicine continues to progress. Unfortunately, if things get too bad, that progression may stop, because there won't be enough of a civiliation left to hold the necessary resources. Fortunately, our species could even survive something like that. [12/31] #mayfortune
Fake ConversationMe: Well, first, the male in the couple will get down on one knee to symbolize this one moment when the female is in control. Once she accepts, he will stand up, and take back the power for good." // Alien: "What about same-sex couples?" // Me: "For them…chaos."
Story TeaseA college senior gets an assignment to come up with a new app idea. Since he has no idea what he could do, he's asked a small group of people to come feed him suggestions, hoping at least one of them has a good proposal. They might even design it for real. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI wrote a profile a few years back about a guy named Ulysses Juno who could essentially teleport oxygenated air into his lungs from somewhere else. I figured he might spend a year underwater, just because he could. I didn't question the idea until more recently…what did he eat?
May FortuneUnfortunately, the purpose of human life is not simply to propagate the species, but to live peacefully together. Fortunately, more and more people want this peace every day. Unfortunately, there are still some who couldn't care less what happens to others. [13/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”They've done studies, and learned that the average individual has four people in their lives they truly trust entirely. The number of people I trust is three, unless you count myself, in which case the number of people I trust is three.
Story TeaseA suicidal man goes to a therapist upon the recommendation of a counselor from a crisis hotline. He doesn't want to kill himself, but he doesn't want to live like this anymore either. He's just looking for a way out of all of his problems. This is a start. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThere are eleven planets in the Helio Star System: Helios, which is also known as the sun roller; habitable and stable rocky worlds Tettaries, Ceres, and Keres; heavy world Darrow; gas giants Meridia, Polavia, and Bantamia; ice giants Aziïr and Simmeren; and dwarf planet Serrata.
May FortuneFortunately, these people's selfishness is unsustainable, making them less likely to survive in the long term. Unfortunately, we don't want such people to die out either; we just want them to become better people, and contribute more positively to our society. [14/31] #mayfortune
Joke?Four thousand years from now, alien archaeologists are going to find my house and think, "wow, this guy must have been pretty popular. So many people wanted to be buried in the crawlspace under his house when they died."
Story TeaseA co-anchor for a local news station's very early morning show speaks with a woman who has reportedly taught her budgie to complete a number of tasks for her around the house. She gives a demonstration on the news set in this fun and easygoing puff piece. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaMany believe that the four cardinal craft engagements that witches learn are all about controlling other people's movements. But they are not about puppeteering or manipulation. When used right, they can sync a "tribe" so profoundly that everyone understands each other better.
May FortuneFortunately, there are still some really great things in the world, and we should be focusing on them. Unfortunately, it's tough to remember that, especially these days. Fortunately, this is an easy fix; we just have to make a point of looking for the beauty. [15/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”🎙️I got more rhymes than space got times! To make it clear, I got two rhymes here!🎙️
Story TeaseA tech reporter speaks with an app designer who has been getting a little criticism lately for taking a little too much credit for the software he designed. He may have come up with the idea, but he needed a lot of other people to make the program function. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThe hundemarke, the Sword of Assimilation, and the Omega Gyroscope were created simultaneously by the same bloody event, but there is no sufficient explanation for exactly why they were created, and any assertion has always sounded paradoxical…which doesn't mean it's not true.
May FortuneUnfortunately, the best way to do that may be to spin something bad into something good. Fortunately, that's a good start, like… Unfortunately, we can't congregate in groups anymore. Fortunately, we are living in a time where virtual meetings are possible. [16/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”My teeth are craving water right now. I guess you could say they have a good hydroxy appetite. #sciencejokes
Story QuoteThis is becoming awfully frustrating. People are listening to me, but they don't know it. I don't need credit, but this can't just be my life now. Kallias can't be the only person I ever talk to again. That isn't fair to him. He deserves freedom…from me. #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSome special temporal objects were created through technology, like emergency teleporters, or Cassidy cuffs. Others were imbued with their power from an important event, like the hundemarke, or ret-gone coins. Some were probably a mix of both, like the Escher Knob, or HG Goggles.
May FortuneUnfortunately, some of the virtual meeting services that we try to use necessarily come with technical difficulties. Fortunately, these problems have the potential to be resolved, as long as we keep pushing for them. Unfortunately, advancement may take awhile. [17/31] #mayfortune
LiePeople in centuries past wore a lot of layers, no matter where they lived, or what time of year it was. They hadn't invented summer yet, so it was always pretty chilly. Fashion had nothing to do with it.
Story Quote"The administrators were fully expecting their arrival, and gave them no trouble at the door. Trouble was waiting for them in the body’s room, though. Someone was already trying to remove the vacant Jesi body from the premises. // 'Allen?' Mateo asked." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaWhen you read about how the Omega Gyroscope is responsible for time travel in my stories, remember that…not really. I'm responsible. I'm the god of this universe, and time travel is the only way to make sense of it, because I live in the past, present, and future simultaneously.
May FortuneFortunately, there are other things we can do to stay busy, even from home. Unfortunately, since many of us weren't prepared to be stuck at home so long, we didn't all procure the appropriate resources. Fortunately, there are still ways to order things online. [18/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I would never even consider marrying someone who doesn't have heterochromia. #nohomo
Story TeaseAn avant-garde artist is interviewed about the performance art pieces that he puts on for the public at no charge. He usually prefers his work to speak for itself, but he's agreed to explain himself just this once, because fans want to know more about him. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaFor years, my stories all fell into a single canon. It wasn't until 2015 that I found a second universe, and several more branched out into their own to protect each other's continuity. But still I hesitate to post trivia on this website that goes beyond those two main canons.
May FortuneUnfortunately, a lot of shipping is being limited to absolutely essential items, like masks and hand sanitizer, and to essential businesses, like hospitals. Fortunately, this is exactly how it should be, and we need to be patient about the delays it causes. [19/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”Ya know, I was listening to this podcast the other day. They were talking about how they've done studies, and learned that 100% of people who are good don't listen to podcasts, except for this one episode. Then the show ended. It was only two minutes long.
Story TeaseA man finds himself inundated with survey after survey, and can't figure out why that is. He starts to question reality, and wonders whether he's having some kind of nightmare, or if he stepped into a parallel dimension. It's nothing so fantastical, though. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI'm currently formulating a version of Earth where nearly the entire population lives in a truly gargantuan pyramid. The elites have windows, and the dregs live in the inside units. But why, though? Was the rest of the planet destroyed? Were they forced into it by a higher power?
May FortuneUnfortunately, patience is not a word a hypothetical alien from another world would probably use to describe the human race. Fortunately, we can do better; we can always do better. Unfortunately, we have to work hard at it, and some are unwilling to even try. [20/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”If we don't get a handle on this climate change problem, my kids won't be able to climb Mount Everest, like I did. They'll have to swim it.
Story TeaseA vet goes through the clearance interview for a private security job for which she's far overqualified. It's kind of all she can find at the moment, so the interviewer is worried she won't care for it, and will leave as soon as something better comes along. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaWhen I calculated volume for the pyramid megastructure that houses over ten billion people, I didn't include things like communal areas, or elevators. Well, they don't move much, but when they do, they use incline railways on the outside, and just walk through each other's units.
May FortuneFortunately, perseverance is indeed a word I believe an alien would use to describe us. Unfortunately, that's not always enough. Fortunately, there are tools to help us cope with our new normal. Unfortunately, many of these cost money that not everyone has. [21/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”There is more wind in space than there is on Earth. In fact, there's more of everything in space than here. We're just one tiny planet, so we don't really have a monopoly on anything. Except for dog butts. We do have the most dog butts. A round of applause for our dog butts.
Story TeaseAn attorney tries to find the best jury for a corporate court case. Jury Candidate seems to be a fine fit at first, but then it starts to seem like he may be a little too close to the case, so she has to ask some more probing questions to find the truth. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaWhen I said that most people on the planet live in a single pyramid megastructure, I didn't say where everyone else lives. All criminals are summarily exiled to the other side of the world, to the last remaining city, where they fend for themselves…but it may not be as it seems.
May FortuneFortunately, the government has made what I think to be the shocking decision to give people some money they need to support themselves during this pandemic. Unfortunately, it is also not nearly enough, and more is needed. Fortunately, we have a plan for that. [22/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”Open your eyes, sheeple! According to Google Trends, searches for #covid19 increased exactly 0% from 2019 to 2020. I ran the numbers, and I got zero every. Single. Time. If that's not a government conspiracy, I guess I don't know what is. #coronavirus
Story TeaseA convict who is getting out of prison soon wants to speak with the counselor once more about what life will be like on the outside. His extremely wealthy father—whose identity he never knew—recently died, and the inheritance situation is very complicated. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaIf any of the Springfield Nine had ever attempted to have children, they would probably find these children to be immensely powerful, but they were too busy consolidating their own power to even consider starting what would probably be a brand new race of temporal manipulators.
May FortuneUnfortunately, universal basic income is a radical idea that frightens people too much for them to try. Fortunately, some have conducted UBI trials, and results look promising. Unfortunately, we have not yet done a whole lot of these to come to a conclusion. [23/31] #mayfortune
Good QuestionI often hold in my poops because I'm busy doing something else. My question, officer, is whether my dog does the same thing when she's chewing on a real good toy, or barking at the neighbors?
Story Quote"Getting to know my mother was all I ever wanted, and I have to assume she does truly want to change, because if no one believes in her—if I don’t believe in her—she’ll quickly lose faith in herself, and that will just prove everyone right about her." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe width of the Verge planet is comparable to the diameter of your average habitable terrestrial world, but it's flat, and requires the use of artificial gravity. Why not simply build a whole sphere? That would take too much material, or would need artificial gravity as well.
May FortuneFortunately, universal basic income is not the only possible to solution to automation—which we're using as a remedy for the pandemic problem. Unfortunately, things like a negative income tax will still require a complete overhaul of our country's tax system. [24/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I sometimes wake up, and I don't know where I am. Then I realize I'm in my roommate's bed. Then I remember my roommate died five years ago, and I moved to a different city. Then I remember that I too died. Then I remember that was only in a dream. Did I just do a creepypasta?
Story Quote"She opened a small pocket on the front of her bag, and removed the hundemarke, so she could place it around her neck. She opened a third pocket, and took out the primary Cassidy cuff. People can only be redeemed if that’s what they want for themselves." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaMy Reactions series started out with no supernatural themes. I only slipped into it when I noticed that many of Viola Woods' classmates had an almost religious admiration for her. I eventually became determined to come up with an original origin story for her. I think I did okay.
May FortuneFortunately, if the pandemic has taught us anything, it's that we are capable of making great and dramatic change in a relatively short time frame. Unfortunately, it seems to require dire and desperate circumstances, which is a condition we shouldn't relish. [25/31] #mayfortune
Real TalkMe: "Actually…" *pushes up glasses* "…the ninth circle of hell—according to Dante, of course—" *snorts* "—is reserved for the most treacherous. They are encased in an icy lake, and ceaselessly fanned by Satan's wings. A snowball would fair quite well there."
Story TeaseA mall security guard detains a shoplifter who he caught redhanded. While they're waiting for the police to arrive, he asks her questions, and realizes that her story doesn't quite add up. This may be a much bigger crime than he ever could have imagined. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaIn case you both keep track of my website, but didn't catch the play on words I made, the series called Superpowers is a double meaning. It's about the world superpowers; specifically the ones with a history of nuclear weapons, but it's also about people with special abilities.
May FortuneFortunately, if there's a second thing that the pandemic has taught us, it's that we're all part of a global network, and what affects some of us, affects all of us. Unfortunately, not everyone has learned this, and some have deliberately rejected the idea. [26/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”Girl, are you bigger than a ravine, but smaller than a canyon, according to an arbitrary distinction I made up when I couldn't find any preexisting dimensional classifications? Cuz you're gorge.
Story TeaseA librarian tries to help a patron find a book about space and time. At first, it seems he needs to look at the sciences, like astronomy and astrophysics. Then it sounds more like he's interested in space transportation, but that's not quite right either. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaFor some reason, I got it in my head that Panama would be a good place for a space elevator. I had to remedy this mistake in a later story by calling it a technological experiment. I'm now working on educating myself to prevent demonstrating this sort of ignorance in the future.
May FortuneFortunately, as soon as someone figures out a solve for this catastrophe, we can all have it. Unfortunately, if we don't fix certain people's 'every country for itself' mentality, that's not what will actually happen, and we'll all fall deeper into inequality. [27/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”When you think about it, aren't we all a little Spartacus: Blood and Sand?
Story TeaseA reporter interviews a mall security guard whose heroic, but irresponsible, actions led to the safe return of two abducted civilians, and the ultimately successful capturing of the perpetrators of the crime. An investigation into his vigilantism is ongoing. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaIf I told you that ours is but one universe, floating around a bulk of infinite others, you would likely picture each as a bubble. But time starts out big, and tapers at the end, until reaching a point. It looks more like a knife. It's called the time knife. Yes…THAT time knife.
May FortuneFortunately, as technology progresses, it's soon going to become harder for those who prefer inequality to maintain the status quo. Unfortunately, that kind of paradigm-shifting technology is still a ways off, and the interim could be bad for a lot of people. [28/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”Receptionist: "We're sorry, but our company accepts no accountability for the misinterpretation of our products' labels. It is our official position that our customers are responsible for reading carefully." // Customer: "Why does 'acne cream' that GIVES you acne even exist!"
Story TeaseAn internal candidate is attempting to apply for a promotion. The problem is, her company has this bizarre policy of only hiring for this job level from the outside. The interviewer denies these claims, but she has some pretty compelling evidence to share. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaNow, there's also a special artifact known as the time knife, and it's an actual knife. It is not an unrelated concept. If you are qualified to wield it, it gives you access to the outer bulkverse. But then you have to have some other means of actually reaching another universe.
May FortuneFortunately, hope is what drives humanity forward. Unfortunately, if I keep going with this line of fortunatelies and unfortunatelies, I'm just going to end up going in circles, because the opposite of despair is hope. Fortunately, this series is nearly over. [29/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”I'm not gonna spay my dog, I trust her. Plus, she got so fat after her playdate with the neighbor dog, so I don't think any potential mate is gonna want her anyway.
Story TeaseA religious studies student comes in, looking for help with an assignment. The librarian is immediately able to find the correct section for him, but the student is dismayed at how imbalanced the system appears to be, so the conversation gets sidetracked. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaYou may be wondering, if a time knife can only break out of a universe, but not reach another one, what's the point? Who could ever use it? Well, there is actually one person, but it doesn't matter. It wasn't designed to do anything. It was imbued with this power accidentally.
May FortuneUnfortunately, it's May, and I've only come up with enough tweets for the 04:15 slot through mid-July, because time is moving faster than I can come up with new posts. Fortunately, my scheduling demands are self-imposed, and I could always simply change them. [30/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”All females in this county give birth on Mammer Hill, even the animals. It's tradition, and your argument against it is paper thin.
Story Quote"This was always meant to be the last chapter of my life. I tried to start a new life once my mission was complete, but I’m finding myself very unhappy. This is my chance to end it on my terms, in a way that cannot be changed. 'I would,' I say plainly." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI'm not sure I did Serkan, Ace, and Paige's story justice by writing their last series from the perspectives of other people. I was trying an experiment, and though I think it worked out on its own, I probably would have rather not used that format as their conclusion. Oh, well.
May FortuneUnfortunately, when I get an idea in my head, it's difficult for me to break from it, because it feels like giving up. Fortunately, no one reads my tweets or stories, so it doesn't really matter. Unfortunately…no one reads my stories, and it's all pointless. [31/31] #mayfortune
“Joke”You're thinking of ignorants. Ignorants know nothing. Gnorants are the ones that know everything.
Story Quote"The paint swirled around, and reformed itself. Where once it was chaotic and random, colors began to organize into deliberate shapes. Shapes sharpened into discernable images, and the images began to move. They were watching dozens of movies at once." #salmonverse #fishquotes

June 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Character TriviaMy character, Sheridan Hope was named after the original name for Sherlock Holmes. She's not a detective, though; I just like the name. Similarly, Cassie Wright was the name the VP kept calling Carrie White in the titular movie. Both appear in a series called Children of Ceres.
Fake ConversationMy supervisor: "There's more than one way to skin a cat!" // Me: "Yeah, but there's only one best way. I should know. I have thirty-four cats, and they were all born with skin." // My co-worker: "And what's the best way?" // Me: "Give me your cat, I'll show you."
Dumb Ditty🎤You remain the tower in high measure in our brains // Babel! To me, you're like a growing dictionary I cannot climb! // Won't you tell me, are you stable, Babel? // You're my portico on my chateau // Our words become garbled, and we can't translate each other! // Babel!🎤
Story TeaseAn ex-convict is desperately looking for work, and even the places that are kind of known for accepting people like him aren't giving him the time of day. He may have just found an employer, however, who does not hold the same prejudices as all the others. #interviewtranscripts

Canon TriviaAevum is the oldest ship in the universe, having survived for billions of years. There was an incident where several people were granted various forms of immortality, and while Aevum is not a living organism, it did end up with its own immortality, where it cannot be destroyed.
NanostoryOf course I own a secret mini-fridge. I do not presently require a place to store bloodbags, but I may one day become a vampire, and I need to be prepared for that eventuality. I'm even considering stocking up my own blood to get me through those first few days after transition.
“Joke”Edible tape to keep burritos together. Don't know why my assistant put this in the "joke" slot. This is a genius idea.
Story TeaseIn this hard to watch two-part interview, a news reporter tries to get answers from a former police officer who was the subject of controversy when he was caught beating a black suspect to death in an even harder to watch cellphone video. He has no remorse. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI'm going to spend the next however many days explaining how faster-than-light travel works in some of my stories. First, you have to understand that there are several higher complex dimensions, and in between those are simplex dimensions, which contain virtually infinite energy.
Fake Conversation.@PostMalone: "Let's talk about Post Malone." // Me: "No." // Post: "Sweet!" // Me: "Did you not hear me?" // Post: "Post Malone hears nothing but Post Malone." // Me: "Then how did you hear me say that?" // Post: "Huh?" // Me: "I said, how did you hear me?" // Post: "What?"
“Joke”I'm developing an engine that runs on nightmare fuel.
Story TeaseAn ex-cop who went to prison for beating an innocent black man to death speaks with the counselor about his new life, and how hard it is for him on the inside. The other residents know who he is, and the warden has yet to grant him protective custody rights. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaOnce you "fall" into a simplex dimension, all the plex radiation in it is at your disposal for propulsion, and the act of gathering this energy does not diminish your reserves, or slow you down. Unfortunately, falling back out of it WILL use up nearly all of your stored energy.
NanostoryThe best part about having a dog who lives outside is that I don't have to feed her. She just grazes on the grass, and pecks at the bugs in the dirt, and chews on the bark. She even dug her own holes to collect rainwater for her to drink.
“Joke”What got me through these last four years was knowing that one day, someone else was going to be president, Superman, or Clark Kent. I knew I could wait that long for one of those three to show up.
Story TeaseIn this fourth and final installment of No Remorse, a former cop who went to prison for murdering an innocent black man discusses a film studio's choice to cast him as himself in a biopic about his misdealings, along with others associated with the project. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaBut if you lose almost all of your stored energy getting out of a simplex dimension, how do you get back in? Well, unlike the process of gathering energy while inside, which happens instantaneously, recharging while in a complex dimension takes time. But there is a workaround.
NanostoryMarriage is a spring of fresh water. You drink some every day, and over time, it loses its freshness. And no matter how small your sips are, the source eventually runs out, and that's what we call divorce. Anyone who doesn't divorce, eventually just starts recycling their pee.
Fake ConversationFrank Zappa: "Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass." // Me: "You're right, I wouldn't, because I've never heard of music ever biting people in the ass, so I would probably think it was something else."
Story Quote"Things looked slightly different than they had when they left. It wasn’t enough to make her think that she had been robbed, but perhaps someone had come in, searching for a pen. Though, if it truly had been only one second, that shouldn’t be possible." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaA small fusion reactor is far less powerful than plex radiation, but it's enough to tear a microscopic hole in the dimensional membrane. Radiation leaks inside slowly, but you'll rebuild the charge eventually. Bigger the hole, faster the recharge, but it's also more dangerous.
Random NothingHer voice isn't annoying, it's just bizarre. I'm not even sure how to describe it. I guess you could say that it sounds like a snake telling a secret.
Dumb Ditty🎤I hate scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch. There it goes down; down into the drain. Ha-ha-ha.🎤
Canon TriviaVessels have exploded because someone decided to overclock their fusion reactor, let in too much plex radiation at once through the dimensional rift, and overheat their astral collimator. But this unorthodox technique has also been used as a last resort weapon against an enemy.
Fake ConversationMe: "I can hold my breath for ten seconds." // My parole officer: "So can pretty much everyone. See?" […] // Me: "No, I mean I can exhale a block of breath in solid form, and hold it in my hand for ten seconds before the extremely cold temperature makes it unbearable. See?"
Dumb Ditty🎶Everytime I stand up, I gotta pee! Everytime I pee, I gotta sing!🎶
Story TeaseA young man who's just out of college has applied for a job as an office assistant. He's going to be working with a lot of people, so the manager wants to know how well he vibes with the whole office. This is less of an interview, and more of a get-together. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaPlex radiation isn't used exlusively for space travel, but that is its eventual primary use among advanced societies, because waste is fed back into the simplex dimension; a recycling process that is more difficult if you're just using the radiation to power your planetary needs.
NanostoryThe Mongolians built the Great Wall of China in the second century AMJ (After Mongolian Jesus), because they wanted to see how long it would take for them to walk the entire Chinese border if they built a wall in front of them as they walked. They're still not at the end yet.
“Joke”Find yourself a guy or girl who respects themselves enough to capitalize their own names.
Story TeaseA psychology major is tasked with interviewing someone she knows personally, just to get a feel for what it's like on that side of the room. Her roommate is expected to make up problems, but she gets a bit too real with it, complicating their relationship. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaIt should be noted that you're not required to be in motion while in a simplex dimension. In fact, it's possible to reach near stillness in a way that's impossible when you're in freefall in regular space. It's often strategic to time it right, and wait to slip back out later.
NanostoryWe have discovered that the zombies require warmth. They will seek it out above all else; the hotter the better. You could be standing next to a bonfire, and a zombie will ignore you, and walk right into it. Put down your guns and knives. All we need is wood⁠—lots of wood.
Random NothingWhy are so many people sending me messages on Bumble, asking why I swiped left on them?
Story TeaseA reporter interviews a man who went to live in the woods the day he turned eighteen, and has hardly seen another human being for the last forty-two years. He only returned to society seeking medical attention, and is in awe of how much the world changed. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaShips use plex radiosynthesis and fusion to reach FTL, but have supplementary forms of power generation. Matter-Antimatter propulsion is for sublight speeds, while an anti-gravity drive is for liftoff, landing, and actual plex movement. Lastly, fuel cells power internal systems.
Random NothingThe thing I do that impresses me about myself the most is probably how infrequently I burp, and accidentally throw up a little in mouth.
“Joke”The best part of waking up, is getting to go back to bed later. Life is an illusion, happiness is a drug. Wake up, sheeple. Wait, I mean…don't.
Story TeaseA celebrity interviewer who has been known recently for arguing with her interviewees is interviewed herself by an entertainment news colleague, following her job transition that was caused by her inability to remain journalistically objective at all times. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI think I've told you pretty much everything I can about how faster-than-light travel and spaceship propulsion work in my stories. I could go into specifics—like how large an astral collimator has to be to move how much mass—but you now have the basics. I may return to it later.
NanostoryMy boyfriend and I just got engaged, but we have to put off the wedding indefinitely, to wait for his mother to die. Even though everyone else is okay with our love, many would still kind of take her side in the fight that would inevitably ruin the ceremony. So we'll just wait.
“Joke”I have a deep-seated fear of broken couch springs, and a deep-seeded fear of holes in the ground.
Story TeaseA college student who earned his GED meets with his advisor to figure out what he wants to major in. He has never been told that he can do whatever he wants with his life, nor was he afforded the opportunities to discover his own strengths. Now is the time. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI would also love to tell you how it is my characters live in a world where it's possible to manipulate gravity. It's a vital component of faster-than-light travel, and heavyworld exploration, but I have no clue how it works, and in the real world, it may not be at all possible.
NanostoryJerry! Why are you painting the entire roll of paper! The red lines are meant to alert the customer that's it's nearly time to replace the receipt paper. You've just cost us thousands. All of these are completely useless!
Fake ConversationDouchebag 1: "Hey…hey!" // Douchebag 2: "Hay is for horses. What's up?" // Douchebag 1: "Old men, boy scouts, and birds are up. How's it hangin'?" // Douchebag 2: "Hangin' is for bats. What's cookin'?" // Douchebag 1: "Cookin' is for women…in the kitchen. Smell ya later!"
Story Quote"Who told that lie? 'We were indisposed, Councilor Dazzlemist.' // 'Please. Call me Gangsta. We hate formality.' There was no such thing as a weird name anymore. You wanted to call your son Gangsta Dazzlemist, no one was gonna stop you, and it was fine." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThere are roughly two trillion celestial objects in the spherical Oort cloud that surrounds Earth. A station is installed on every single one, which monitors the sky, and detects movement into Earthan space. An AI controls each station, plus a small fleet of maintenance robots.
NanostoryMy sister bought me a really nice diving rash guard shirt when I visited her in the Caribbean. But I only used it the once, and forgot what it was, so I wore it to school the next year. People laughed, but I just embraced it, and bought several more. This is just what I wear now.
Topical ReferenceI think I could work at a Hartley Sawyer factory, and be pretty unhappy. I did not enjoy a secret Hartley Sawyer viewing at an audition today.
Story QuoteThere was no question that they needed to save her life, but this world wasn't much safer. She wouldn't survive here alone. There had to be some kind of loophole. There had to be a way to get her back home without also sending her to an inevitable death." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaWhile the Oort Shield—as it is called—is predominantly automated, there are some special stations on which humans prefer to maintain a constant presence. These include ones housing observatories pointed in directions of interest, and labs researching the far outer solar system.
NanostoryStephen King is the only person who's allowed to write about Maine. I tried once, but his attorneys sent me a cease and desist. I fought it in court, but I had to surrender under the heavy legal fees.
FactDaisy (my dog): "That sound coming from the garage only ever means one of two things: either my father has come home to see me, or he's left home, and I will never see him again for the rest of my life."
Story TeaseA couple goes to marriage counseling, hoping to understand what has gone wrong in their relationship. The husband recently caught the wife cheating on him, but appears rather indifferent to the situation, and they're both worried there's some deeper issue. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaStill, even some random Oort stations are inhabited, usually by lone immortal vonearthans who have nothing better to do with some of their infinite lives, and don't feel like anything they spend time doing to be a waste, so they might as well just sit around and stare at the sky.
NanostoryCurrently writing a meet-cute where a guy asks the pretty clerk at the grocery store where he could find the humble pie his co-worker suggested he try. She thinks it's funny, so they go out, and fall in love, but surprise—he's a serial killer. But surprise—so is she.
Good PointIf it's true that "you get what you give" then why am I wasting my time giving anything at all? If I always already have everything, why don't I just keep it? We can all just keep everything we have, and not worry about everyone else, because they're fine.
Story TeaseA law enforcement officer is the first to speak with a man who claims to have psychic visions, and wants to help solve crimes. She can't help but be intrigued, but of course, she'll need to hear some proof before she lets any of her colleagues know about it. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI'm reworking the basic design of the colony ships my characters use to travel interstellar distances. I have recently learned more about centrifugal gravity, and pathway hazards, rendering my original concepts—which can be found certain published works—scientifically inaccurate.
Nanostory"That's disgusting," he said of the little bit of brown on the inside of the toilet bowl, before proceeding to enter a different stall, and NOT lay a cover on the toilet seat. And then not wash his hands afterwards. And then eat a sandwich.
Dumb Ditty🎤Roooooxanne, you have to put on the red light! That's how customers know you're open for business! We went over this during your training! You don't work, I don't get paid! I don't get paid, you don't get paid! The switch is right there!🎤
Story TeaseTwo middle school kids are having trouble getting along. One of them reports the other for bullying, but that bully claims that he's feeling just as bullied by the first one. Instead of punishing them, the school decides to send them to counseling together. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaMy Interview Transcripts microfiction series takes place in a universe called havenverse. I've mentioned some characters that already existed, but I also formed entirely new ones, some of whom I believe to be rather interesting, and which can now cross over into the main stories.
Dumb Ditty🎤My name's clear face, and I..care what you think. Your opinion matters to me. YOU matter. We're all in this together.🎤
“Joke”English was very difficult for me to learn under. In my native language, you have to end a sentence in a preposition of. It doesn't matter if adding it doesn't make any sense at. You have to do it every time inside. I imagine it would be harder for YOU to learn MY language amid.
Story TeaseA surveyor asks a random man at the arboretum some questions about his thoughts on nature, and the environment. The man's responses are somehow disturbing—not enough to make her call for help—but he does make her rather uncomfortable, so she ends it quickly. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThe Crossover—the machine that can travel between universes called branes—started out as a building that some characters use to get advice from their alternate selves. It only later morphed as a way of bringing all my conflicting franchises together into one cohesive meta-story.
Dumb Ditty🎶I came in like a firework! I never hit me baby one more time! All I wanted was trouble, trouble, trouble! Cause uptown funk gon' give it to ya. Don't believe me, just need you now! Oh baby, I need you now! So they say, dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh, oh, oh!🎶
Hard TruthIn most states, this crime can be considered a class A misdemeanor, or a felony. It really just depends on how hungry the prosecutor is, how grumpy the judge is, how little remorse the offender is exhibiting, and how black he is. That last one is the most important factor.
Story TeaseA man in his mid-twenties goes directly to the head of the botany department of the college he wants to go to, hoping to secure an interview with him. That's not really how this is done, but the professor accommodates him anyway. Then he starts to regret it. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThe Vertean flag represents the sixteen original colony planets, plus the homeworld. While each representative section is a uniquely shaped polygon, each one has the exact same area, illustrating equality throughout the galaxy. Each being a different color represents diversity.
Nanostory"WRONG! I'm the nearest galaxy. I'm aaall the galaxies. Who won best picture in 1987? Doesn't matter. I created the people, so I get all the credit. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!!!" --God, circa every time we have lunch together
“Joke”Right now, I'm only 31 years old, but the last tweet was written by me at 749. I can't tell you the mental gymnastics I'll have to do to make sure I don't remember reading it already by the time I write it for the first time. I literally can't tell you, it hasn't happened yet!
Story Quote"Hokusai could only shake her head in disappointment, so Pribadium decided to open the door herself. On the other side was nothing but a stone wall. 'Is it a hologram?' she asked. To answer her own question, she reached up to find a real, physical wall." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIt's not often I post pictures. It's mostly when I accidentally link the latest installment of one of my stories with this account, instead of my personal one. But I want to show you the Vertean flag I mentioned yesterday. I designed it in 2012, but that was sketched on paper.
NanostoryHe was always a jackass. He came up with this rule when he was 18 that he would only date a woman whose age added up to 69 when combined with his own. Everything was going okay until he turned 52 and refused to shift strategies. Now he's in jail, where he belongs.
Fake ConversationRoommate One: "I wish I could welcome you home from vacation, but I have some bad news. You should probably sit down for this." // Roommate Two: *sits down* // Roommate One: "I just found out..that the couch you're sitting on right now..has both bed bugs..and lice."
Story Quote"She hugged him back, but could not echo his words, because in this situation, 'I love you' was just a synonym for 'goodbye', and probably from her perspective, also meant 'you’re going to die, so I won’t ever see you again.' So she couldn’t say that." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaAs opposed to The Prototype and The Crossover, which can only jump from one point to another—not instantaneously, but still rather "stationary"—The Transit is a universe-hopping machine that can also move through space. It is a proper ship, and thus perfect for multiversal war.
NanostoryI'm on it like cake on a fat kid. I once knew this guy in school who struggled a lot with his weight, and other students were always throwing food at him. Children aren't born mean; they learn it from their parents, and other role models, so be careful with your fat jokes.
“Joke”I will accept campaign contributions from any and all sources. Hell, if a nazi wants to give me a million dollars, then that's just less money for them. I don't HAVE to do what my contributors say. You can't buy me. I'll take your money, then still do what's right for the people.
Story TeaseA student goes to the library to learn about poisonous plants. The librarian is always happy to help with any request for research materials, but this particular man seems a little less interested in the hypothetical, and more interested in the practical. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaI didn't originally intend to reset the timeline in the second volume of Mateo's story. I lost a lot of long-term narrative threads by doing that, but I felt it was necessary. When I come up with a sudden twist that even I find shocking, it usually means it's the right way to go.
NanostoryDeath by shirt collar, and not the way you would think. I accidentally flipped it up, which snapped my mouth shut, forcing my teeth to cut so deeply into my tongue that I bled out on the floor before I could even reach my phone.
“Joke”In Canada, it's illegal to kill a journalist.
Story TeaseA college reject has been trying to find a job for months now, but has not been able to make any headway, so he's decided to simply lie on his résumé, and is surprised by this latest interviewer's response to this revelation. Things may work out for him yet. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaJamie Beaumont has something called animal experience absorption, which is to say that animals can't talk, but they receive input just by being alive. That data is in their brains; they just can't decipher it. Jamie can form a psychic connection, however, and see what they saw.
NanostoryNo, that guy hates me too much. I made one mistake once, and it upset him so intensely that he treated me like crap before it even happened! Now that I hear my explanation out loud, I think maybe he's just a prick.
“Joke”Why are so many movies about "it looks like we don't have a synopsis for this title yet. Be the first to contribute! Just click the 'Edit page' button at the bottom of the page or learn more in the Synopsis submission guide"? Just noticed, IMDB uses doublespace after period. #smh
Story TeaseA man with dark and violent thoughts answers a security team's questions regarding his interest in employment for a company that appears to have nefarious motives of their own. He may have finally found himself a home, with people who will fully accept him. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaWhile Jamie's primary amber ability is to gain psychic information from animals, a necessary component of this is to be able to approach a target without them feeling threatened by her presence. She sometimes uses this feature on its own, to make animals feel safe around people.
NanostoryThis is an annual test of the emergency protocol system. Please proceed to your designated areas. If you are a visitor, convene on sublevel two for ship assignments. Please retain your current substrate for continuity. Do not transfer your conscioussness, except as a last resort.
“Joke”I actually like when webpages have infinite scroll. It's comforting to know there's an indeterminate amount of content out there, but I will never know how far away it is. It doesn't feel like the whole world is somehow simultaneously overwhelmingly busy, and profoundly lonely.
Story TeaseA man who has just been offered a job working for a terrorist group known for bombings meets with his new team in a suitability interview. They work the legitimate business side of things, so the authorities don't suspect that they're doing anything wrong. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaThe next microfiction series, which will be starting in about a week, is a selection of vignettes. The first one is set in 1980, and the last will be sometime soon after 2204. That's about as far as history goes before there aren't really any interesting things happening anymore.
NanostoryI was once caught in the doors of a radioactive elevator. I now have the ability to always know which elevator in the bay is going to open, how long it's going to take to arrive, whether there will be people in it already, and whether or not any of them will need to exit first.
LieThe average fast food restaurant loses about $700,000 a year on those little free cups of water. They lose $1.3 million on people who illegally use those cups for soft drinks.
Story TeaseA disturbed and violent man becomes a celebrity after he infiltrates, and ultimately takes down, a domestic terrorist organization that's posing as a legitimate fertilizer company. He only worked for the legitimate side, so he didn't break any laws for them. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaIn the future, all basic needs will be met. For everyone. No one will need to work, but there will still be opportunities to contribute. Anyone who wants a job will have one, and anyone who wants to freeload, will be allowed to do so. People will thus focus more on their hobbies.
PoemA cavalier Henry Cavill caviled at the caviling cavilers caviling at Henry Cavill's calamitous cabaret case study, a canvasser casually calculated.
“Joke”It's physically impossible for a human to see their own tail. Unless the human has a tail, in which case, they might be able to see it.
Story QuoteJericho could clearly bite his tongue no longer. Arbitrators were not usually meant to speak during the trial. Like the juries of ancient days, they were expected to only listen until deliberations began. He couldn't suffer the ineptitude anymore, though. #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI'm going to spend the next however many days explaining how names work in some of my stories, and a little bit of pertinent history for these conventions. First, you have to understand that this takes place in a different world, with different viewpoints on gender and sexuality.
NanostorySix years ago, God returned to me and said, "father…" (he always called me 'father' but never explained why). He said, "father, I need your help with something. I have created a rock that I cannot move, but with your help, we can move it together." And so I did, and it was good.
Fake ConversationMe: "Transfer me to your manager. I need someone who's competent to explain why I can't access my own money." // Bank Customer Representative: "Your account has been FROZEN, and my manager won't be able to open it up for you either, so LET IT GO."
Story Quote"Then he ceremoniously placed the goggles over his head, and consulted his cuff. It was pointing him towards a patch of brighter light several meters away. He expertly reached up, and pulled the seam apart, so he could slip through the spacetime rift." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIn my stories, in regards to a heterosexual partnership, a child is generally named after their father, but this is not done for the same reasons it is in the real world. At no point in its history were men considered superior, so that could never have had anything to do with it.
NanostorySometimes I feel like I can see everyone's flaws, and everyone can see MY flaws, but they can't see each other's flaws. Even if they feel pressured to be perfect, in reality, no one really notices, except for me. But they don't have to worry about me…because I'm so flawed!
“Joke”There are just some mysteries of the universe we may never understand; like, what is that purple stuff that you always pull out of your hair on days that start out warm, but cool off quickly? It's something we all experience, but no one ever talks about it.
Story TeaseAn infamous man who recently helped take down a terrorist organization—even though no one asked him to—speaks with his psychiatrist about his prescribed medication. He's been seeing grotesque things around him that he claims aren't there, but maybe they are. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaWhen surnames were first being created, people did not yet understand DNA, but they had some intuitions. They figured the mother provides half her essence, while the father provides the other half. BUT. The mother also carries the child, so she contributes more, if only a little.
Fake ConversationStudent: "My dog ate my homework." // Teacher: Well, even if that's true, you could have printed out another copy. I post all assignments online." // Student: "I didn't say that he chewed on it; I said he ate it. We were at the vet all night long. I didn't have time to redo it."
NanostoryMy housemate breaks into my room again, but later than usual. I pretend to be asleep, but it doesn't always matter to him. I've been trying to move out, but this place is rent controlled. He crawls onto my bed, and whispers in my ear, "did you hear? They did surgery on a grape."
Story TeaseA serial killer has finally been caught, and it's only a matter of time before the detective interrogating him gathers enough evidence to send him to jail. The killer slowly starts to realize that there's no way out of it, and that his life is all but over. #interviewtranscripts

July 2020
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Canon TriviaIn order to symbolically make up for the fact that the mother is considered more related to the child, that child is usually given the father's name. Again, this is all just symbolic, but it at least provides parents with a rational convention to avoid uncertainty and arguments.
NanostoryThis website smells weird. No, I'm serious. I don't buy jewelry, but I had this coupon, so I thought I would check it out, to see if there was anything that might be worth it. I immediately smelled this woody, rustic scent that can't be coming from anywhere in real life.
Fake ConversationMe: "You wear contacts too? I just started wearing them. Tell me, what do you contact them with?" // My parole officer: "Uhhh…my eyeballs?" // Me: "Oh yeah, same here, that's what I chose. Excuse me for a moment."
Story TeaseAn arrested serial killer speaks with his lawyer about how the trial is going to go, and what their overall strategy will be. Neither of them believes he's going to be set free, so they're just trying to figure out what the arbitrationers will think is fair. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaWhen it comes to same-sex couples, the child's surname will usually come from the parent who is not biologically related to the child. If a child is adopted, the parents will choose one of their names, the other, a mix, or something new entirely. These are conventions, not laws.
NanostoryI admire hand sanitizer like the Catholics admire child molesters. Oh, it's so offensive, huh? Well, I find child molesters offensive, so I guess we're at an impasse. I think I hold the higher ground, though. I'm not going to delete this tweet if and after you cancel me for it.
Fake ConversationMe: "I'm so much smarter! I have my credit card number memorized!" // @realDonaldTrump: "So do I!" // Me: "Prove it!" // King Dumpster: "5555 6458 2558 1463!" // Me: "Security code?!" // King Dumpster: "864!" // Me: "Expiration date?!" // King Dumpster: "11/23!" // Me: "Thanks!"
Story TeaseA seasoned reporter interviews infamous terrorist-fighting serial killer, Fiore Stern. He's been in prison for a year, but he's ready to open up about why he did the things he did, and why they don't make him just like the terrorists he brought to justice. #interviewtranscripts
Canon TriviaIn an early installment of my Interview Transcripts series, I make a passing reference to a film called 'Severe'. I make a few other mentions of it, and eventually decide to go in more depth for a multi-interview run. Now there's an idea for a real life movie. Add it to the list.
NanostoryI can never tell whether I'm eating aluminum foil or tin foil. Either I've only ever had one of them, or I've had both, and they're similar enough for me to not know which is which, which would mean I like the taste of both. I imagine most people can taste the difference, though.
Fake ConversationSon: "Can we get a dog?" // Me: "No, you can get a fish, or lizard, or mouse, or something." // Son: "Why?" // Me: "Because when it dies, I can replace it with another one, and you'll never know the diffrence." // Son: "I don't think you were meant to say that to me out loud."
Story Quote"This was a relatively peaceful period, as the monsters now knew that they were no match for the mages. Their patience lasted only sixty years, though, at which point a short war broke out, and sent the world into a dark era called the Interstitial Chaos." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSometimes, my characters travel from one planet to another, and neither one is Earth. I use two separate online tools to calculate these distances, but I may be plugging the numbers in wrong, because I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, so they may be totally inaccurate.
LieHave you noticed that the end credits for a movie—at least with professional productions—usually match pretty well with the background music? The slide editor is responsible for adjusting scroll speed to make this look right, and that speed is measured in kilometers per hour.
“Joke”You All: "Oh my God, it's already July. June went by so quick. Time just keeps going, it's so crazy. I thought surely, at some point, it would just, like, stop."
Story Quote"Hokusai didn’t ask Loa to come with her to Ileaby, and Loa didn’t offer to. They didn’t divorce either. They were just going to be apart for now, and probably meet back up somewhere else later. They never made any plans, and it wasn’t like they had to." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaA source mage can grant time powers to anyone, unless they already have powers, or a salmon pattern, of their own. They can even choose which power they recieve. They cannot remove powers, however, unless they were the individual source mage who granted them in the first place.
NanostoryFor my high school German class, I wrote a short film about a lottery winner who buys giant versions of household products, just because he can. I asked Aveeno in a letter to build me a 4-foot tall replica of a lotion bottle. They did, and I still have it—the prop, not the film.
“Joke”The universe is about 14.7 billion years old, which means I have pooped roughly 5,365,500,000,000 times, give or take a few thousand. Wow, that really puts your puny human life into perspective, doesn't it?
Story Quote"They forced them down to their knees, and ziptied their hands behind their backs. An angry bearded man stood in his leadership position, sword resting against his right shoulder, which he probably figured looked pretty badass. It did not. He scowled." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaRogue planets actually can indeed hold atmospheres, but I rejected this scenario for Durus, in favor of a time power solution, because I found it mathematically unlikely that it would have an atmosphere that was compatible with human physiology, which is important to the story.
NanostoryI know of a reality where they never came up with the word "radius". They just use the term "half-diameter" or the more common term, "line in the middle of a circle that just goes to the center of the circle". That reality had a lot of other problems; I got out pretty quickly.
Random NothingPears are just sexy apples.
Story Quote"Her instincts sent her underground, where she found moss that experts would later figure survived the void of interstellar space through some kind of natural electrolysis process. Of course, she didn’t know any of that. She just hoped the moss was edible." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIf you read my story today, you might say to yourself, "uhh, that's not how breathable air works. It doesn't just kick in. It's either on the planet, or it isn't." There's a logical (but fantastical) reason for it, so I guess you're just going to have to keep reading my stories.
NanostoryWhen I was young, I went to this day camp in the woods where we did a lot of outdoor activities, like swimming and orienteering. One day, we did a scavenger hunt, and a kid told me he knew where I could find a feather. I walked two miles up the hill before I realized he had lied.
“Joke”Hey, it's 2020, and the world is woking up. Are girls allowed to eat now? This tweet has aged so poorly that it was stupid before I even posted it, but hey, it fills a slot, so I'm gonna keep it anyway.
Story Quote"Death wasn't something she understood until then. She had never seen it before. No one had taught her about it, and even if they had, they couldn't have explained what it truly meant. She could feel it coming over her now, though, and she did not like it." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI struggled a lot writing my latest story. I had to figure out what kind of worldview someone would have if they were stranded on a planet devoid of all other animal life to raise herself at the age of three. Would she even have any concept of death? How would she cope with life?
NanostoryIt's true that I was technically in a pornographic film, but I didn't mean to. I decided to use the stairs at a hotel once, instead of the elevator, and accidentally stepped in frame while they were filming. All I did was smile, wave at the camera, and walk past them. That's it.
“Joke”GDP = Gross Domestic Product. Gross = 144. Domestic = Tame Animal. Product = Poop. GDP = 144 Tame Animal Poops. Sounds about right.
Story Quote"He released some more, and it rained some more. If this was the only source of water—and there was no way back to Earth—then expanding the source was the best use of his power. He released the rest all at once, and started a downpour…which never stopped." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThere are 100 seconds in a minute, 100 minutes in an hour, 20 hours in a day, 10 days in a week, 3 weeks in a month, and 10 months in a year. The planet orbits in a near perfect circle, and experiences far too few gravitational perturbations to have formed completely naturally.
NanostoryWhy are you talking to me about TPS Reports, Ethel? We do these every day. Put the documents in my inbox, where they belong, and I'll get to them in a minute. This is the second time today you've interrupted me while I was holding a hard-boiled egg, for no good reason. Go away.
“Joke”The word with the most definitions in the English language is "photon". It can be defined as that photon right there, or that one, or that one, or that one, or that one, or that one, or that one, or that one, or that one, or that one, or that one, or that one, or that one, or tha
Story Quote"A trickle of time monsters had come through every once in a while, but they were small, unstable, mostly harmless, and usually more afraid of the Twoarchy than the Twoarchy was of them. Effigy now heralded an influx in monsters that were far more dangerous." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaMany likely picture dark matter as this black plasmic space substance, but it's only "dark" because we can't detect it directly—we only detect its gravitational impact on a galactic scale. It is non-baryonic matter that exists in the higher simplex dimensions of compressed space.
Fake ConversationMe: "I'm returning this." // Clerk: "That's a lottery ticket." // Me: "It didn't win, so it's defective." // Clerk: "That's not how it works." // Me: "I paid a dollar, and all I got was this piece of paper." // Clerk: "Then let us say that that piece of paper…is worth a dollar."
Random NothingThen King James cried, "I'll show you a royal wee! Weeeeeeeee! I'm the queen, I am. Brilliant! Blimey! Bollocks! Bloke! Bloody 'ell! Fish and chips, mate!
Story Quote"Rothko had already been through a lot before making his way to Durus proper. He wasn't too concerned with getting back to Earth, because he knew some things about the future, and felt like he had to stay on this world until its problems were all resolved." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaLike dark matter, dark energy is also in another dimension, but a much, much higher one. It comes from the space that lies beyond the boundary of our outer space. As this "stuff" leaks into our universe, it adds to our own, and causes the accelerating expansion of the universe.
NanostoryYou know those multi-factor authentication codes you get in a vanishing text message that let you log in to the CIA that only last two seconds? I'm going to start posting them here. The code I got this morning was 68432468435168735495555682359535468944332688532213855312565484216.
“Joke”Printer ink is fairy blood, which is why we're trying to switch to toner, because it's pixie dust (read: poop) and the procurement of it is a far less cruel endeavor. Printing is magic. The ink or toner just fuels that magic; it's not what you end up seeing on the page.
Story Quote"The governments decided a long time ago that court cases should no longer have audiences. They were still mostly public record—unless the transparency endangered lives—but without the spectacle, those involved generally found the process to be fairer." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaMany of my stories come with deus ex machinas, but when you're exploring a world that is full of time travelers, you're going to end up with a hell of a lot of gods, who can change (fix) anything they choose, because the past, present, and future are all the same thing to them.
NanostoryPeople kept telling me not to use the little brush on my shaver every time. They said it'll wear it out. But did I listen? No, I just kept brushing and brushing and brushing and brushing and brushing and brushing and—Nick! Come back to us—Yeah, sorry. Now I have to by a new one.
“Joke”The first nine letters of the Latin alphabet are ecentric.
Story Quote"Leona and Holly Blue were two of the smartest people Mateo knew. If even they had trouble fathoming the vast number of people presently alive in a galaxy with a millennia-long history of nearly no death, then he would have no hope of understanding it." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI accidentally made the names of my three inventor characters start with the same two letters. I didn't realize it for a long time, though, because Hokusai first went by HG, Hogarth went by HP, and Holly Blue by The Weaver. I will allow my stories to acknowledge this motif later.
NanostoryMy partner in crime is a genius. She coded anti-cryptojacking software that actually lets us cryptojack other people's devices. People install this app, thinking it'll stop people from cryptojacking them, and it does; it blocks out all cryptojackers…except for us.
“Joke”I came out of the closet when I was fourteen. I just didn't tell anyone about it.
Story Quote"They don’t know exactly how they work, but they know how to use them, just like a baby will learn to walk, pretty much no matter what, even if you try to teach them not to. Rothko, however, was particularly unskilled with his, and he needed Effigy’s help." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe Advancement of Mateo Matic is allowing me to tell an ongoing story, while showcasing future technology across the ages. There is a limit, though. I created The Parallel in order to "skip time", and go straight to a K3 civilization, which I would not have reached otherwise.
NanostoryI wanted to make a joke about temporary body parts, like my ephemeral artery. The problem is that there are a lot body parts, and I can't find an easy-to-digest comprehensive list, let alone a good way of figuring out which ones fit the joke. I think there's only one, so enjoy.
“Joke”I make my own internet in the backyard.
Story Quote"This should have only been accessible any time after the event occurred. Even with time travel, the portalcane generally only had an impact on the future. As far as anyone knew, Savitri was the only exception to this. Her friends would never see her again." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaWhy, yes, I did indeed start planning a #Stargate fan fiction television series called #StargateMultiverse, and I mention it once when my character, Leona finds herself recreating one of the episodes, and later, a character from said show appears in my story. #SGMultiverse #SGM
NanostoryAs I waited for security to let me in, I saw a cockroach running full tilt towards the door, screaming, "we're goin' streaking!" I let him through, intending to open the outer doors for him after I was done with the mail. But instead, he ran BACK in, screaming, "zombies! Run!"
Random NothingWhat my phone hears when I'm babbling: "Weather weather weather you better. This is FICO score 530 critical Care bakery Lubbock Fresno fence repair write a big high top fade in Oakhurst God I like I said ballerina girl horrible Russia SNL eggs benedict and air Canada ecological."
Story Quote"Unfortunately, the threat of overpopulation wasn't enough to stop that population from growing. People just kept having kids, and they were already so great in numbers that it was nigh impossible to coordinate a way to prevent them from continuing to do so." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI started writing what I thought would be my first novel in 2002. I've not so much as been able to find a literary agent to work with me. I tell you what I have done, though; I've broken down the scenes that I would want used in a movie adaptation trailer, and set it to music.
Fake ConversationVictim: "No, no. Please don't. NOOO—!" // *BANG* // ME: "That was for my wi—oh, he's dead. I had this whole speech prepared, and he didn't even get to hear it. Damn. I should have timed it better. I shot him in the stomach, though. He should have lasted half an hour! What gives?"
“Joke”The Big Eye of Little Elle.
Story Quote"Over time, seeds magically made their way from Earth, and added life. There were still no animals, but there was always plenty to eat. Runoff from Watershed continued to irrigate more than enough farmland to support all three of them. Things were all right." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI get my fiction ideas from all sorts of places. Sometimes they show up as dreams, or are ultimately spinoffs of preexisting stories. A few begin as a stray thought that my OCD brain has—a nonsensical string of words that I become determined to attach as a title to a new story.
NanostoryVine launched on January 24, 2013, and lasted through October 27, 2016. I was a user from day one to day 1,373. I uploaded 2,958 videos, which averages to more than two videos a day. I clocked in 9.1 billion loops, but I topped out at 4,254 followers. Go figure.
LieYou're supposed to swap your socks with each other every four to six hours, to prevent infection.
Story Quote"They weren't sure what to do about this development, but they figured they ought to keep themselves secret. It looked like a normal town that could use The Trident's help, but they had been gone from Earth for so long, there was no telling what had changed." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI keep multiple documents of notes for my fiction, but I'm still prone to digging plotholes, and making other errors. Fortunately, most of my stories involve time travel, so if you notice something that doesn't make sense, let's say the discrepancy comes from alternate timelines.
NanostoryI was walking down the street when I came across a needle on the ground. My friend warned me that it could be heroin, or something, but I figured there was a 2% chance that it would give me superpowers. So I took a leap of faith. It was heroin. Now I'm addicted to heroin.
Fake ConversationMe: "You're a CSI? I am too. How many crime scenes have you instigated?" // Stranger: "CSI stands for Crime Scene Investigator. I catch criminals." // Me: "Oh yeah, that's how I use the acronym too. We are the same."
Story Quote"They had all dedicated their lives to public service, and were presently serving in other ways. She was just a scientist, living on a planet that elected her because she was cool, and there wasn’t anyone else. Would the council believe that was enough?" #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI wrote a short story in college, which my classmates suggested I expand into a novel. In it, there is a transdimensional elevator that goes to Heaven, Hell, and Stull, Kansas. This plays into the conspiracy, but adds a divine counterargument that coastal elites could not ignore.
Li’l PoemThere is a humourous rumour that our neighbourhood's favourite flavour at the ice cream parlour is inferiour to your splendourous governour's. It is my honour to labour in the endeavour to fix this errour you harbour, and correct your behaviour, to stop the horrour, Chancellour.
NanostoryTechnically my phone cost me a million dollars, because that's how much I paid the wizard to take me to October of 2008, so I could live in a time where @Android smartphones existed. I just couldn't stand another minute in late August of 2008.
Story Quote"Mateo smiled, and stepped to the side. 'I believe you’re here for him.' He gestured towards his soulmate. 'Richard Parker, this is Allen Tupper. You're meant to be together in every timeline.' // They approached each other cautiously, and shook hands." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIn the story I told you about yesterday—about the elevator that goes to Heaven, Hell, and Earth—the reason the elevator exists is so that people in Heaven can go down and confront the people who wronged them; specifically if they killed them. But then one day…everything changes.
NanostoryI think I have fusion reaction figured out. Just ask the fusion reactor I built in my basement that I'm using to secretly power my entire city. Only a few people at the powerplant are aware that their jobs are redundant at this point. But I'm not ready to go public just yet.
Fake ConversationMe: "Hurry! Someone give me the history of traffic lights in five seconds!" // My parole officer's parole officer: "Uh…uhh…uhh…death!" // Me: "Cor-RECT!"
Story Quote"Hark had spent less time there thus far, and had the most experience in the real world. He knew how to deal with people, and how to learn to trust them. The other two were just too far gone, so they stormed off in a huff, leaving Hark alone in his mansion." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaMost people experience life in four dimensions: space and time. I see past, present, future, alternate realities, and parallel universes. I see all timelines, in all possible worlds. I see everything all at once. And I write some of it down. You call it fiction, but it's real.
NanostoryEvery jigsaw puzzle has a code written on the back. It is in invisible ink, however, which means you won't see it, even if you finish the puzzle on a clear glass surface. This code is used to recruit the best of the best for a secret multinational government agency.
“Joke”I've just been informed that this mole I've had literally my whole life is a tick. I thought it was weird that I had Lyme's disease.
Story Quote"That was not what they wanted to happen, of course, but at least their secret was taken to the grave, and they could refocus on their mission. The real problem was that this awoke a darkness in Rothko that would have terrible consequences years from now." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaAny evolved creature will have motives for the things it does, like food or jealousy. The time monsters of Durus, however, did not evolve. They are but temporal glitches, with no motivations. They only hurt people incidentally. I'll be going over the "species" in the coming days.
NanostoryI threw a party last week. Literally no one came. I didn't even make an appearance. I was going to, but life got in the way. Anyway, seeking a pest control expert. Must be able to get rid of rats and bugs alike. And if you could clean up the food itself, that would be great.
“Joke”It's already 2021. President Kirklett signed a bill to decree this last week.
Story Quote"He was selfish, manipulative, and entitled. He didn’t care about the town, or even about maintaining his power. He was just sick of living in his crappy studio apartment, and wanted to spend his days in luxury. Taking charge was the only way to do that now." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaMirror monsters earn your trust, and reflect your fears. They start out by showing you calming images that they pulled directly from your own thoughts. Once they have you in a trance, they turn, and display whatever you fear the most, but you can't stop looking until you go mad.
NanostoryThey say only a wooden stake or decapitation can kill a vampire. But a metal stake will do the trick, as will a plastic one. The vampire subspecies is so old, that wood is the only thing anyone ever worked with when the rules were devised, but that doesn't mean it has to be wood.
“Joke”That is not a theme park, it's an amusement park. There's a big difference. I'm going to tell you the difference. Here we go. Are you ready? Hold on, this is a very important distinction that I care about. Wait for it. One second.
Story Quote"To protect the town, all residents were forced to consolidate, and confine themselves to a small radius. The ten special mothers-to-be were then placed at strategic locations around this perimeter, and guards were assigned to protect the women themselves." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaBygoners are said to eat your soul, and erase your memories, but the soul remains intact, as souls are nearly impossible to destroy. What they do is actually quite simple. They make you forget everything that has ever happened to you, forcing you to start a new life from then on.
NanostoryTo join the street racing gang, I first had to prove myself. They already knew I could drive fast, so they gave me a parallel parking test. The space was just large enough to fit, and the other cars were worth $3 million. Each. If I so much as tapped a bumper, they would kill me.
“Joke”🎙️It's almost time to close the time lid on this Panikon // And end it all // 'Cause I'll live on // Like Eminem, I'm infinite.🎙️
Story Quote"That wasn’t to say there wouldn’t be any fallout, but they felt prepared to deal with the aftermath, because justice was on their side. Unfortunately, conviction was not enough to make this work. Their assassin was caught, and sentenced to death by exile." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaHordebirds are individual monsters, but they don't have to stay that way. They can connect themselves to each other to form an unstoppable mass. This allows them to attack when they want to, or simply overwhelm the area with darkness, and heighten feelings of fear and despair.
NanostoryWhen I was nine, I made it to the regional chess championships. I would have won too, but they disqualified me, because I kept switching the game clock to my opponent's turn before I had even made a move, to gain extra time. I don't know why I ever thought that would work.
8 Days a WeekMonday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Salmonday, Sunday
Story Quote"It was important that this entity did not become their god. It was certainly capable of making unilateral decisions for everyone, but the point of a council democracy was to have, well…councils. It was only there to moderate, facilitate, and regulate." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaRoiders are similar to hordebirds, but the opposite. They are naturally one large fear-intensifying mass that can overwhelm a large crowd. If you tried to attack it, you would just cause parts of it to break off, and form independent creatures. These would then attack you back.
NanostoryI am both qualified and authorized to hear your confession, and to offer you absolution.
Fake ConversationMe: "The third millennium began in 2000." // Jackass: "No, it began in 2001, because there was no year zero." // Me: "Actually, the year zero did exist. What didn't exist was year 1 BC, because no one back then was using a calendar that COUNTED BACKWARDS!"
Story Quote"Jericho was all in now. He apparently totally believed that they were there to help him, and he seemed grateful for the opportunity to get back to his mission. Mateo might have even called him giddy. Hopefully this meant they were doing the right thing." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSkyswimmers are the most insidious of the Durune monsters, and probably the second-most intelligent. They "swim" through the air—by unknown means—and send psychic messages to their victims, to force them to commit violence on their behalf. They can only do this while in a school.
NanostorySometimes I'll watch my dog on my security camera, and see her just sniffing around, looking for trouble, when she suddenly races across the yard, and into her house, as if her landline rang, and she's rushing over to get it. Then I'll hear human voices from in there. It's weird.
“Joke”I only ever donate my money to extremely wealthy people; ya know, to be ironic.
Story Quote"Escher and Rothko would go on to warn Hark about its properties, but they never told anyone from Springfield about it. They knew that some would use it as a weapon, and that it was just best to hope no one ever discovered it again, as if that were possible." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSome time monsters are subtle, or kind of abstract. Others are a little more obvious. Rothkillers lie somewhere in between. They make everyone forget that their victims ever existed, and they do this by literally eating them. Luckily, they are, by far, the rarest type of monster.
NanostoryYou know you've made it when your house is so big, someone can sneak in the back, hang out in your screening room, pop popcorn, and invite a few people over for a kicker while you sleep soundly upstairs, in the other wing. That's wealth, and the dream.
“Joke”My OCD support group shared a basket of fries, and it was like the most intense game of Operation ever.
Story Quote"It wasn’t like he had been waiting for his chance to take the main seat, and the only reason he was trying to take over now, was because he didn’t think anyone else would be capable of—or even interested in—honoring Smith’s vision for a better Springfield." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaGlitchhounds are the only somewhat neutral time monster. They might attack someone who has a temporal power or pattern, but they're usually simply drawn to temporal anomalies. Once they find one, they don't really do anything with it. They just hang out near it, and settle down.
Fake ConversationMe: "I'm going off the rails on the Crazy Train!" // My Mother: "Well. Serves you right. What did you think was gonna happen when you got on?" // Me: "Mom! I don't think you understand. I'm about to die!" // My Mother: "What you want me to do about it, call Bruce Willis?
“Joke”George RR Martin is so old, the first Game of Thrones book is a collection of newspaper articles he wrote. #pwned
Story Quote"They realized that the adhocracy was a nice idea, but the reason bureaucracy was more common was because it allowed policies to be carried out and enforced. They needed a more formal system, so people knew what was expected of them. The bureau-adhocracy." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSpeedstrikers are the most violent of the time monsters. They move at super speeds—often appearing as if standing in two places at once. One will destroy every living thing in its path, until stopped. When the Deathspring came, they were fast enough to escape to Earth on purpose.
Fake ConversationMe: "Alcohol kills thousands a year, but you keep drinking" *gestures chugging drinks with both hands* // You: "That gesture doesn't mean what you think it means." // Me: "Oh, I know what it means. I rolled the dice that you would understand." *gestures rolling dice from the hip*
Dumb Ditty🎵Good morning, good morning! We slept the whole night through…'cause sleeping at night is what people do!🎵
Story Quote"With no sun to power solar cells, their only other option was water power, directly from Watershed, which meant that they would need to build a dam. It didn’t have to be a particularly fancy dam, at least not at first, but it was going to take some effort." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaA retroverter and a proverter are the exact same creature. The only reason to use one term instead of the other is because of context. Depending on the agreement, a verter is capable of lowering or increasing someone's age. This sometimes involves altering maturity level as well.
NanostorySince I wasn't recruited in college, I've been keeping highly detailed journals of my daily life. I discuss how I don't work for the CIA, and haven't assassinated 83 terrorists, and don't own six passports. So if anyone questions whether I'm a real boy, those journals "prove" it.
Fake ConversationKing: "What is the only rule you must abide to live in my realm, prisoner?" // Prisoner: […] // King: "Say it, prisoner!" // Prisoner: [sighs] "Never say never." // King: "Yet now you have said it three times, and you're only allowed to say it twice. You must die for it."
Story Quote"The mages would one day welcome the gift of youth, but for now, it was only holding them back. If they were just a little bit older, they believed people would follow them into a new era. This was what was best for their people, whether they knew it or not." #durance #fishquotes

August 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Canon TriviaA splitscreener surrounds its victim, and shows them different points in time, like a temporal hall of mirrors. Most people find it difficult to navigate the maze, and get back to reality. Once they do escape—without going mad—the splitscreener will leave them alone, and move on.
NanostoryHe is such an intolerable fool. I would feel bad for his children, but they're probably used to his insanity. I bet they feel bad for the rest of us, who've not built up a tolerance to his garbage thoughts.
“Joke”Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, shame on you again. Ted agreed to the shame for the fourth time, and Jane needs the money, so she'll take the shame for the fifth and sixth times. You and I have to decide what to do with the seventh time.
Story Quote"I grab the first outfit I find, and throw it on. It’s a dress. I’m wearing a dress. I’m wearing a dress that’s three sizes too big for me, and I’m about to go back to the lab. I hate being quite this young. I’m always at my best when I’m in my twenties." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaProditors don't attack their victims directly. They're psychic, and can transfer thoughts from one person to another. They cannot fabricate ideas for inception, but they can divulge someone's deepest darkest secrets to the people who will feel the most emotional damage from them.
NanostoryVincent van Gogh's neighbor down the street forged one of Vincent's paintings only a week after the first one was finished. This gives the forgery historical value, and therefore, also artistic value. It's not a van Gogh, but it's still worth about $450,000 nowadays.
“Joke”An erroneous autocorrect in that last tweet has gotten me thinking we should start calling children 'chilly'. // "I have three chilly." // "I don't want our chilly being friends with each other." // "Our chilly went to Chile to buy some chili, but it was too children."
Story Quote"It wasn't going to work. If they tried to send Jericho back with The Escapologist, he would end up in the wrong version of 2081. In fact, she shouldn't return either. This was the last day of reality before it collapsed to make way for a new timeline." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI'm working on a microfiction series that travels the multiverse, but I can't decide who the main character should be, because they'll mostly just be the vehicle I use to connect them to each other. But if the lead is interchangeable, can it be a decent story in the first place?
Nanostory.@SteveMartinToGo cannot play a single chord on the banjo. That's the magic of CGI, baby.
“Joke”When I was a kid, I came up with the term "teletransporter". It wasn't until I watched X-Men—one of the X-Men movies, and…uhh, StormChaser caaallllled…Blackface(?) a teleporter, did I realize that a better term already existed.
Story Quote"During this time, the town decided the children would have a lot of authority over Springfield, but still wouldn’t be allowed to pressure anyone to do anything against their will. They could lead, and they could protect, but they did not rule unilaterally." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaLeena Lahti has the power to teleport individual molecules away from each other. This is similar to Lucius Carlisle's molecular teleportation, except that it's more precise and less powerful. She could certainly hurt someone with it, but that wouldn't be the best use of her gift.
NanostoryOnly one species of fish has a tongue. It's called the langol dam bass of the North Hungarian Sea. All other fish just have a flap of skin called a tonlet. It can help push food down their throats, but it cannot taste.
“Joke”I wonder how old my son is going to be when he's finally born next week. That might sound funny to you, but my species doesn't age. Our place in society—our station—is determined at birth. I'm so influential, because I was born 2,692 years old.
Story Quote"A vicennial competition, however, would make turnover slow, and hopefully discourage mages from trying to quit early. Plus, most people would end up too old to compete a second time if they failed once; though neither impossible, nor against their rules." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThey come up with a lot of creative inventions in the future, like a pair of glasses/earphones that censor the world in realtime with augmented reality. They'll cover up nudity, and dump foul language, or whatever you don't want to see/hear. A lot of people buy them for children.
NanostoryI'm left handed. More importantly, I'm left eye dominant, so when I go skeet shooting, I have to say "push!" to activate a clay pigeon. Most people don't know that. And why would you? Right handers live very sheltered lives, and can barely detect the existence of the rest of us.
Fake ConversationMe: "I don't know much, but I know I love you. And that may be all I need to know." // Doctor: "Hi, I'm Doctor Zorders. You don't love me, your amnesia causes you to lose your memories every—" // Me: "I don't know much, but I know I love you. And that may be all I need to know."
Story Quote"They chose not to ask the people how they wanted to handle this competition. They didn't even consult their experts all that much. If they alone couldn't figure out what made someone worthy of being a mage, then they were not worthy of being mages either." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe rogue planet of Durus, if real, wouldn't be all that far from Earth right now. It would be closer than the nearest star, but it's justified that we can't detect it because its gravitational impact is marginal, and of course, it doesn't have its own star shining a light on it.
NanostoryI stole my former neighbor's cat. It was easy. They always let it run wild, so I left better food out for it. After a week, it started associating my house with its home. Then we moved away, and they will never see their cat again. They should have invited me to the block party.
“Joke”Yesterday, I put $9,000 down on a new car. Today, I found out that I can teleport. #fml
Story Quote"It was interesting to be able to essentially stop time—and no one in histories enjoyed this same power—but since he also couldn't move, it was useless in the war against the monsters. If he wanted to help the town, he had to contribute in some other way." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe spacetime rift that accidentally sent Savitri to Durus was a one in a million occurrence, and it would have stopped there, but her ability to boost temporal energy widened that rift into a portal, which added enough power to make it keep happening to others for years to come.
NanostoryI coded a worm, or a Trojan, or something, so when someone I'm on the phone with puts me on speaker phone, I can see through their camera. Those criteria don't align often, but I did witness someone snickering about me in a group yesterday. You know who you are.
Fake ConversationPlebe: "Is reading Marvel comics how you get your rocks off?" // Me: "No, but it is how I get my Roxxon."
Story Quote"Watershed, though flush with clean water, was an inhospitable place to actually live inside. The rain never stopped, so the soil was unstable, and the excess moisture prevented crops from growing. Water always had to be taken out, and transported elsewhere." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI once came up with a story about people who can die, but come back, who use this ability as international assassins in a post-apocalytic world. I kept evolving it over the years, until it became completely unrecognizable. Now it's just about vampires who specifically don't kill.
NanostoryMatter can neither be created, nor destroyed. Everything has been made with 100% recycled material, including you and me.
Fake ConversationStudent: "Bad Professor, how large is the observable universe?" // Bad Professor: "Well…how far can you see?" // Student: "I'm blind." // Bad Professor: "Then the universe doesn't exist. Bully for you."
Story Quote"I’ll have to call upon my acting skills to convince him of the lie, so he can convince everyone else without having to lie himself. There’s a chance it’s pointless. If the truth ever, ever comes out, everyone will always have known. Because time travel." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaHe chose to go by White Savior. He figured that people would call him that anyway, since his primary driving force in life has always been social justice. At least, by owning it, he's acknowledging that they picked the wrong person for these superpowers. But he's gonna use them.
NanostoryI know that coastal elites always call Kansas, and the rest of the Midwest, flyover states, but I say the same thing about their states. I can fly over them as I'm heading to places I would rather live, like Yemen, or North Korea. That's right; not everyone loves you, NY and LA.
“Joke”I woke up this morning and remembered the day #TheLastManonEarth was cancelled, then I dropped a deuce in my neighbor's pool in honor of it.
Story Quote"As the minutes ticked by, they were growing more and more worried. If they didn’t find their target soon, not only was this person going to fall to their death, but so would everyone else. They still didn’t even know who they were looking for. No idea." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIn regards to my vigilante character who goes by White Savior, I feel the need to put it on record that my characters are not me, and their motivations do not necessarily match with mine. Not even my protagonists make the same choices that I would. That is how you do a fiction.
NanostoryA woman opens the bag of chips. She's ****ing them with her eyes. Someone pours some chips into a bowl, we don't see who. The woman eats straight from the bag. She and the bowl person are unrelated. It'll look like we accidentally edited two separate commercials together.
Random NothingYou can't really die before you wake, can you? I mean if you die, then you're not going to wake, so the dying doesn't happen BEFORE it. Perhaps a better way to say it would be 'dying instead of waking'.
Story Quote"He did not give them orders, or ask them to protect the source mage’s interests. In fact, he didn’t want them to do that at all. They should be there to protect the balance. They kept his name, but anything more could be considered a conflict of interest." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaA fictional planet that orbits a real star is usually called whatever the star is named. But that's dumb, because we don't live on Sol. So I came up with creative names for some of our neighbors. Many of them are based on their respective host star's name, but are still original.
NanostorySitcom about a social media manager called "Don't @ Me". There's no pun there, it's just a topical saying. Maybe her personal account was just hacked, or she falls in love with the company's CEO('s son). I want compensation for the title regardless. Please @ me.
“Joke”If GOAT stands for Greatest Of All Time, SHEEP stands for SHittiest Entering Every Place.
Story Quote"Now that there was an entirely new border to protect, plans would have to be adapted, so that enough mages were selected in the next Mage Games, but some realized that it couldn’t stop there. This development also prompted an overhaul of the whole system." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaAt a distance of 4.24 light years, Proxima Centauri is the nearest system to us. Think "proximity". So I decided to call the planet we'll one day colonize Proxima Doma, which basically means "nearby home", and is modeled on places named after places they're in, like Kansas City.
NanostoryThere are but two dimensions. You only think you live in three dimensions, because your flat teachers taught you these flat-out lies, and you have been imagining a world that fits. You're flat, they're flat, everyone is flat. Except for me. I'm the only one with depth.
Random NothingWhen my back's against the wall, I start punching a hole in the wall.
Story Quote"Durus was a very, very small planet. It might even have actually once been a moon. The only reason the surface gravity was comparable to Earth was because it was so dense. There were no oceans or islands, so there really wasn't anywhere to exile anybody." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaAs part of a triple system, Alpha Centauri is the next closest star to Earth. I named its pseudohabitable planet Bungula, but I did not make it up myself. It derives from Greek 'ungula' which means 'hoof'. No one knows who originally chose it, but it's not common, so I like it.
NanostoryYou think your ex is a bad guy for killing the drunk driver who killed his brother? That's nothing; lots of people would wish to do that. My ex-employer killed a cashier because she accidentally charged him for two bottles of ketchup, instead of one. That's true evil.
Fake ConversationMe: "Are you Bulgarian?" // Stranger: *shakes head* // Me: "Hm. That backfired."
Story Quote"Experts surveyed the land, and found that—no matter where the monsters originally came from, and no matter which town they would end up attacking—they would all pass one specific spot. So they chose that as the site of the new town, and called it Frontline." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaAs I was researching Barnard's Star, I came across the name George Gatewood, who is an astronomer involved in searching for its exoplanets. I had already decided that this would be a jumping off point for a number of interstellar missions, so I renamed it the Gatewood Collective.
NanostoryWhen we first detect intelligent alien life, it will detect us detecting them. They will fire a weapon at a nearby star system, and decimate one of the celestial bodies there, to show that they are not to be messed with. An interstellar warning shot. We won't listen.
“Joke”With great power comes overused Spiderman references.
Story Quote"Travel to and from was restricted. They had no reason to believe monsters were capable of surveilling them, but if the people living there wanted to stay hidden, it seemed a little weird to make that more difficult. Visitors weren't illegal, just limited."#durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaWolf 359 is named from a stellar catalog created by astronomer Max Wolf in 1919. I named its planet Varkas Reflex, after a corruption of the Sanskrit word for 'wolf', plus the type of angle that a geometric object has if drawn at 359 degrees, which is just shy of a full circle.
NanostoryWhen I first started working as a floor manager, my superior gave me some advice. He said, "no smiling, no frowning. Widen your eyes, but keep a neutral mouth. Don't look off-putting, but don't look excited either. Just. Look. Available…" I have never stopped doing all of that.
NanostorySupposedly, I got 8 ½ hours of sleep last night. I'll believe it when I see it…when I go back in time and watch myself try to sleep from the corner, as I do every night. You know, writing it down makes me realize there may be a reason I'm always too anxious to sleep well.
Story Quote"I need a test subject. The whole point of doing this is so that I can be the strongest, most powerful, impossible to killiest creature in the universe, but any defect could cause my death. To be safe, someone else is going to have to be the first one." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThālith al Naʽāmāt Bida is a tough one to pronounce. It is an Arabic phrase, translating to "egg from the third of the ostriches". I took it from the name of its star, Tau Ceti in an ancient stellar catalog from astronomer Muḥammad al-Akhṣāṣī al-Muwaqqit. I added the egg part.
Random NothingThat way madness lies. It lies right through its teeth. Madness is over there too, and all over, because we're all mad here, this is Sparta.
“Joke”The word "bitch" is actually a portmanteau. It combines "big" with "itch" which explains why bitches be so annoying, always chewing on my shoes, and peeing on the floor. You're not allowed to get mad at me for calling my dog a bitch. She's a lovely, nice, happy bitch.
Story Quote"Again, I don’t have the ability to do this, but the Parallel is a loophole. It’s an alternate reality that is NOT also an alternate timeline, which means I can access it physically. I created it so I can help people in MY way, because that’s all I got." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaAs the time approached to introduce the star systems that would factor into volume 5 of my main series, I had not yet finished coming up with the names of their planets. So I just named the last one after the catalog itself. Gliese 832's habitable super-Earth is called Glisnia.
NanostoryEvery morning, I wake up, and for only a second I forget that there are so many narratives out there about the survivor of a dead loved, who wakes up every morning, and for a second, forgets that they're dead. But then I remember that this is a cliché.
“Joke”Do you remember that old unscripted series, #QueerEyeforTheStraightGuy? I really liked that show, they should make more of those. Maybe @Netflix could pick it up, and they could premiere it after this new scripted series I heard about called #BreakingBad.
Story Quote"She could transport molecules nearby to somewhere far away, or she could summon these molecules from somewhere else, to her location. The latter was a lot easier. Portaling something away took more energy, and more concentration, than bringing it to her." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI've mentioned other planets, like Toliman, a.k.a. Alpha Centauri b. There's Waizidi, which orbits a star near Tau Ceti called YZ Ceti. Teagarden is a simple alteration from the planet's host star, which is called Teegarden's Star. I've probably mentioned others I can't recall.
NanostoryWhen I was young, I wanted to be the ambassador to East Germany. When that became impossible, I switched my dream to the Soviet Union. Then I had to change again to Yugoslavia, and then Czechoslovakia. I couldn't catch a break. Now I want to be the ambassador to Libya or Belgium.
“Joke”The best way to tell if the milk has gone bad is to just drink it, and if you die, it's bad. We call that The Witch's Gambit.
Story Quote"They built an entire town in a day, and nearly everyone in it would be a mage. There were a few families, but for the most part, the ones who moved there were single, and ready to go out into the world without their parents’ oversight. They called it Astau." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaDardius was named for the first resident of Sanctuary, Dardan. Durus was named for its harsh conditions, and endruring residents. Worlon is just a made up continuation of the phrase "Dogs of War". Orolak is also completely made up, with no significance from any Earthan language.
NanopoemIf a tree falls in the rainforest, and the only people around to hear it are the ones who are chopping it down, do you not feel the fire it fuels? Do you not smell the smoke in the air, and taste the greed on the teat of the establishment? Do you not see the pain that it causes?
Fake ConversationCaller: "B7. As in, it be seven years since I've had this awful job. Ha-ha-ha, I kid, I kid." // Old Person: "Did you say W7?" // Caller: "There is no 'w' in bingo, ma'am." // Old Person: "I thought we were playing Bwingo. I have a bwingo card. See?" // Caller: "What the fuh?"
Story Quote"As always, the main reason they never settled there before was because of resources. It was difficult to pump water up from Watershed, but as time went on, both technology and time powers promoted progress. By the 2070s, it was a sufficiently viable option." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI've just learned that a group of temporal manipulators has been rescuing prisoners at the moments of their executions—altering the memories of the witnesses, so no one knows that they survived—and holding them in prison for life. I'll let you know when I have more information.
NanostoryI visited a reality where there is a little more crime than there is here, because the people who invented baseball decided to give batters four strikes. There's another that has less crime, because they only get two, and a very dangerous world, where baseball was never invented.
Random NothingCalories: 0. Calories from fat: 575.
Story Quote"Seers were predicting the end of the war, but seers are always purposefully vague. They'll only give you enough information to make it to your destiny. If they just laid it all out on a roadmap, you would probably try to change it, and screw everything up." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI have learned more about the death row rescuers. They hold the people they save in a secret underground prison that is unrelated to Beaver Haven Detention Center. There, the prisoners live out their lives until they die of natural causes. They teleport, but don't time travel.
NanostoryYou know that saying, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? Well, his did. His uptight and responsible parent tree was on a hill. That apple rolled down forty meters, right into a river, where it floated for hundreds of kilometers, until getting caught by a casino.
“Joke”A cloud of gnats can smell the air directly in front of a human's face from a kilometer away.
Story Quote"A part of them wasn't thinking about the consequences, or how upset the others would be for it. They were just in love, and caught up in the moment. Another part of them, however, was terribly curious what the child of two source mages would be able to do." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaWhen I first started writing his series, I wanted Mateo to have some backstory, like how he was a chronic professional driver. I didn't know how long I would end up wanting the installments to be, though, and didn't think I had the space for it. So he starts out one-dimensional.
NanostoryI keep a huge bulletin board in my toolshed, covered with red string and newspaper clippings. I've circled words, and people's faces. I've scribbled in gibberish. It's completely meaningless, but if the cops ever come looking for me, that should keep 'em busy for a couple weeks.
“Joke”Humans pet animals, like doggies and little kitty cats, because we're superior to the animals. They like it, because pets are like massages. Massage therapists are basically giving humans pets. Therefore, massage therapists are superior to humans. This checks out.
Story Quote"I have a better appreciation for it, though, since I grew up in a time period where work was ubiquitous. The only people who didn’t have jobs were too rich to need them, or too poor to get them. The irony in that is precisely why we did away with money." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI know a guy who—well, he can't stop time, because that's impossible—but he sees a person's entire life history the first time he looks upon them. This history absorption happens instantaneously, so he's experienced thousands and thousands of years of time within a few decades.
Fake Conversation.@realDonaldTrump: "Let me tell you kids about how I asked your mother out dozens of times before she finally said yes." // Arabella: "You've told us this story, like, a million times, grandpa! I wanna hear about how you almost destroyed the country with your incompetence!"
“Joke”There is no difference between affect and effect, except that effect is when you do it online.
Story Quote"Perhaps Tribulation Island only seemed like the logical choice, because that was where they were in this time. But they didn't have a personal connection to everyone they rescued, like Jericho. Still, Jupiter sent them to the intergalactic portal, so…" #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIn this volume of my Mateo Matic series, I included one of the source mages from Durus as a character, but then I forgot to tell her side of the story during my Durance series, and since I write both of them in chronological order, the time has passed, so now it's too late. Damn.
NanostoryBack in 2008, I hired who I thought was #VeronicaMars to help me find a bag of money someone stole from me. I paid her for four days of work before I found out it was just @KristenBell pretending to be a private detective. She did find the money, though. Then she stole it.
Fake ConversationAttendant: "Hello, and welcome to the Smith Tower Information Desk. How can I help you?" // Me: "Yes, where is the building office? I'm a random individual with no life, and would like to see the inspection certificates for all of your elevators, and make sure they're legit."
Story Quote"He could select individual objects within his range to tag along with them, even if they were a hundred meters off the platform. Some believed his power would never reach a limit, and that he would one day be able to move the whole planet across the void." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI'm not sure when the rogue planet of Durus tapped into the light and heat from Earth's sun. I don't know who did it, or how. It's there for the majority of the Mage Protectorate, though, and I believe it's removed from the sky after society collapses to the Interstitial Chaos.
NanostoryEvery time I see a baby or toddler staring at me intently, I think, 'they know. They know that I only got through Riven by going step by step with a walkthrough I found online.'
“Joke”Dance like everyone's watching; very…carefully—wait! […] Okay, start dancing again, but go slower this time. Don't make any sudden moves, they're still watching.
Story Quote"They felt they had to do something to set them apart, even if that was a self-imposed obligation, and one which pretty much ended with them. Either way, there was a reason why their proposal was never attempted before. It sounded reasonable, but it wasn't." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaEven though source mages are a special class of temporal manipulators, they were born with their powers, which essentially just makes them choosing ones. The mages that they source are, therefore, chosen ones. The difference is that a source mage can create multiple chosen ones.
NanostoryHi, this is Nick Fisherman. Thanks for watching the video. Tap here if you want to touch your television screen. Tap here if you want to touch your screen in a different place, because it's 2020, and we should all be using casting devices by now. Are you watching on a laptop?
“Joke”I've been an underwriter for about two and a half years now at a large corporation. I still have no idea what underwriting is.
Story Quote"It would ultimately be a relief that they didn't waste energy trying to figure out how to make these towns special. Society collapsed into chaos shortly thereafter. Of course, they didn't know this. They just thought that the world was becoming more normal." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaA Bicker Bunker is built on one long staircase. Each residential section is just over a meter lower than the section before it, and can be cutoff with internal airtight doors. Younger survivors live in the lower sections, so that if something goes wrong, they're better protected.
NanostoryMy friend when an alien forces us into a psychic connection, and he sees how my mind works: "This is madness!" // Me 2300 years ago: "This is Sparta!" // Me in seven years: "This is 40!" // Me when someone asks what show I want to watch, but just..straight up don't: "This is Us!"
“Joke”I am a Judge Advocate General Officer; JAG Off. for short. Bottom of the barrel folks. All of my jokes are my children, but I'm not proud of all my children.
Story TeaseToday's microstory is a poem. I will be doing a poetry series later this year, but this will be the only one you'll find within this series. It rhymes, and I'm sure there's a special name for the subgenre, but I don't know much about poetry, because I'm more about prose. #durance
Canon TriviaI'm now working on a new temperature scale. It starts at absolute zero, like Kelvin, but is more precise to the integer. For instance, it's 24° Celsius right now, which would make it about 2,972° in the new scale. My characters need something different, but it may not be this.
NanostorySo, the other day, my parole officer says, "I don't want to sound like an agist, but how long do you think we'll have to wait until all the people who don't understand how reddit works are dead?" I reply, "I'm going to live forever, so there will always be at least one."
“Joke”I am so frustated that you broke off the tip of my cone. #geometryjokes
Story Quote"Based on some things that the verters had said over the years, people always suspected that time monsters were only temporal glitches, and that real, intelligent, and independent monsters were the ones who were actually trying to step through the portal." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI chose the planet of Thālith al Naʽāmāt Bida to have strong diversity of native life, because planets orbiting Tau Ceti show promise when it comes to their potential habitibility factor. I made it toxic, because other planets will not have evolved to be hospitable to human life.
NanostoryI haven't watched #StrangerThings since it was cancelled. Boy do I hope it doesn't actually get cancelled by the time this tweet comes out. I wrote sixteen jokes about Trump winning the presidency back in 2016. That meant sixteen slots that had to be replaced with other nonsense.
“Joke”In England, they call the book Celsius 232.7777777778.
Story Quote"Then he stands up coolly, and punches my father in the throat so hard, it collapses his windpipe, and kills him pretty much instantly. I think there’s something seriously wrong with me, because I've never been more attracted to anyone in my whole life." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaTitles for the installments of my Thālith al Naʽāmāt Bida series each have six characters, and are each a different part of speech: Turtle (noun), Cloned (verb), Amoral (adjective), Deeply (adverb), and Beyond (preposition). I didn't decide this until after the third installment.
NanostorySome say you should sleep on your right side. Some say the left. But you should really be sleeping on your velxorta side. Why are you looking at me like that? You act like you've never heard of velxorta. Wait, how many spatial dimensions does your species perceive again?
“Joke”So, wadya think? Does the top keep spinning, or what?
Story Quote"She thought his request over for a moment, not because she wasn’t sure if she could handle it, but because she didn’t know if she should. 'It’s not that I can’t, or that I think I shouldn’t. I’m just not sure that I have to,' she answered cryptically." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI came up with about two dozen alien races for my stories, and organized them into a complicated scheme of progenitors and genetically engineered subspecies. I don't think that was a bad idea, but I'm not really feeling all that anymore, so I'll probably change the whole chart.
NanostoryThe call is coming from inside the house. Oh wait, no, it's right next door. Sorry, GPS isn't great in this time period. But you should be okay if you keep the door locked, and stay hidden in the bathroom. Emergency services are on their way. Thank you for calling 911.
Fake ConversationJohn Hosen: "Later, skater." // Tony Hawk: "Later, Hosen."
Story Quote"While she looked like an adult, she was still only twelve years old, and could not foresee the consequences of her actions. Still, even though a lot of people got hurt, she did end the war once and for all, and she deserved to be commended for her bravery." #durance #fishquotes

September 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Canon TriviaIn 2017, I posted five ongoing sagas, set at different times, all involving the rogue planet of Durus. I gave the characters initials, instead of names, and each one was based on a famous author who used their initials. I'll be discussing those a little over the next five days.
Fake ConversationMe: "Repeat after me. 1–7–3–4–6–7–3–2–1–4–7–6–C–3–2–7–8–9–7–7–7–6–4–3–T–7–3–2–V–7–3–1–1–7–8–8–8–7–3–2–4–7–6–7–8–9–7–6–4–3–7–6". // Data: "1–7–3–4–6–7–3–2–1–4–7–6–C–3–2–7–8–9–7–7–7–6–4–3–T–7–3–2–V–7–3–1–1–7–8–8–8–7–3–2–4–7–6–7–8–9–7–6–4–3–7–6." // Me: "Can't." // Data: "Cannot."
“Joke”A vampire can get just as much nutritional value from drinking human [redacted] as they can from drinking human blood.
Story Quote"It wasn't considered chaos until later, when history reflected on how life was at the time. In reality, it was a recovery period, where there was no government, but people still worked to rebuild, and find their purpose in a world without monsters or mages." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaRothko Ladhiffe's initials were chosen from R.L. Stine. I've literally never read a single book of his. When I was young enough to enjoy them, I was too young to not be scared by them. By the time I felt like it would be fine, I was too old anyway. I was always a late bloomer.
NanostoryAll people are black. They only turn different colors when you shine light on them. This is kind of a tautology, more or less, but I could also plaster it in front of a stock still of a cloud, and it would spread across the facebook echo chamber.
“Joke”Oh, "Nightflyers". I've been calling it "Flightnyers." I was, like, "what the hell is a Flightnyer? The show never explains that."
Story Quote"His death sent air from Earth in both directions of time, so that Savitri could use it in 1980, and later Durune had it in 2204, but for thirty seconds in the middle, it didn’t exist at all. Everyone on Durus during that time would be totally without air." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSince I've never read any R.L. Stine, I don't exactly know what they're like, but I can guess based on their purported genre. So Rothko fights against monsters with his friends as they're trapped on a spatially looped street, hopefully like someone might in one of Stine's books.
NanostoryI accidentally passed the bar yesterday. I think I should stop taking those sleeping pills from Atlantis. Would this joke have been funnier if I had kept it short. Maybe just telling you I passed with no explanation is better. Yeah, I'll do that. Only read the first sentence.
“Joke”Sorry if anyone was trying to reach me yesterday. I was dead.
Story Quote"Toddlers were now running around with powers of their own—albeit weaker than their predecessors—having been born with the energy needed to exhibit them. This gave some people hope for a better future, but it would be awhile before they found the right mage." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaLike R.L. Stine, I've never read any H.P. Lovecraft. I haven't even seen an adaptation. I'm not sure whether I would like his work, but I probably would. Anyway, Hogarth Pudeyonavic is named after him, since she accidentally sends her whole town to an inescapable monster world.
NanostoryPeople in movies who get amnesia never know who they can trust, but if I ever lost all of my memories, I know that I would be able to rely on my wife to help me through it. So I'm not really worried about head trauma, or anything. It's no big deal.
Random NothingA group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of gaggles is called a giggle.
Story Quote"They didn't know who this fourth woman would turn out to be, but they were told she would one day spell the downfall of the Republic—which was true. They used people's fear of this in order to justify their decision to forge the Republic in the first place." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaFun fact about Hogarth Pudeyonavic: her surname includes all five vowels precisely once, as well as the letter 'y' for good measure—though, it is acting as a consonant in this case. It sounds Croatian, which it is, because I have a lot of Croatian characters, but I made it up.
NanostoryI used to really like @ZooeyDeschanel, but then I discovered she lives in a house with no windows, and relies on Siri to tell her when it's raining. I just don't have the bandwidth to take care of someone like that. Oh, and also, she's an asshole.
NanostoryThis week was grueling. My wizard accidentally cast a spell that made everyone I've ever been so much as mildly attracted to show up and tell me what they thought of me, no matter how fleeting or obscure. I had to talk with roughly fourteen people.
Story Quote"This planet was not meant for her, as it was designed for artificial entities. Perhaps it was time—not to change this fact—but to change herself. The only question was whether Hilde could ever feel the same way. Would she be willing to upgrade as well?" #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaAnother writer I'm not familiar with? Wow, I'm sensing a pattern. It's true, I have never read a single word. Without looking it up, I can only name Stuart Little as one of E.B. White's books. Still, I named Escher Bradley after him, for a little lighter and younger Durus saga.
NanostoryWhen I heard that 90% of U.S. currency has at least trace amounts of cocaine on it, I realized there was a great business opportunity. People want clean bills, which is why I've decided to start a money laundering company.
Random NothingThey should reboot the Reboot reboot, Reboot: The Guardian Code.
Story Quote"There was no guarantee that the Parallel natives would agree to help, and they did need their help to pull it off. If it was a violation of their non-interference laws, there wasn't likely anything they could do to convince them to make an exception." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI desperately wanted to name a character MC, and hoped I would find out that he did happen to write something, but it was a no-go. Still, when I switched to E.B. White, I decided to use Escher as the character's real first name, in honor of the artist. I think it suits him well.
NanostoryYou need to finish cooking this turkey. Everything is riding on this. The family will never forgive you if you don't get this right. There's not enough time for us to find someone else, so it is now or never. This is it. Come on, hurry up! Finish cooking! Now! #pressurecooker
Hard TruthThis is what a sentence looks like when you use proper grammar, correct spelling, and all the rational punctuation. Take a good look, kids. This could be you one day.
Story Quote"Plenty of men were completely against this insane new system. It wasn't like they turned all of them into misogynists overnight. Further generations would be indoctrinated into these ideals, but until then, there was going to be a lot of internal conflict." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaJK is obviously named after J.K. Rowling. Her real name is Jayde Kovac, but she was adopted, and her birth parents were Valda Ramsey and Lubomir Resnik. If she were to use these as her initials instead, she would be JRR, so I got to name her after J.R.R. Tolkien at the same time.
NanostoryWhenever I need to be dismissive of a woman, I always ask her if she's going to the avionics meeting at 3:00. She's usually not, because there's usually not an avionics meeting at 3:00, but she's already forgotten what bright idea she thought she had, and I can move on.
Nanostory"It is unsinkable, Ms. Brown! See?" Then Victor Garber kicks it, and it makes a dent, but he stands in front of it, and pretends it didn't happen. And that dent grew and grew as the boat went on its journey, until it broke, and became a hole. This is how the Titanic sank.
Story Quote"Seeing as money was a new thing on this world, they weren’t quite sure how they were going to prevent the wealthiest from having an unfair advantage, but they knew they wanted to protect the elections from it. They didn’t want it to be like it was on Earth." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaBear in mind that I named my character JK long before the truth about Rowling came out. I wanted a fantasy story, and unlike all the other writers here, I've actually read all of the Harry Potter books. I read Tolkien too, and always preferred them. I honestly don't love HP much.
Random NothingFor these three time travelers, the past……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………is epilogue. Rated PG-13.
NanostoryI dream of the day when our hand sanitizers figure how to kill that last 0.01% of germs. That's the final obstacle of a developing planet's Great Filter. If we can get through that, our species will never fall. If not, we are doomed.
Story Quote"She would not tell anyone what happened to the source mages, or where they were now. The interrogators couldn't even be sure that she knew the answers to their questions. They kept her alive for her time power, and because she was useful in many other ways." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaHokusai Gimura is named after H.G. Wells. I've never read anything of hers either, but I have seen a couple adaptations, and I do enjoy @MsJaimeMurray's portrayal of the character in #Warehouse13. She's an implied character in the fourth volume of The Advancement of Leona Matic.
NanostoryIf the movie had been written by a woman, the female character probably would have been the one to say that infamous line. Can you imagine that? "I'm the Shadowcat, bitch!" Actually, that might have been better.
Fake ConversationMe: "I have to go home and flush my dog's toilet for her." // Lover: "What? Why would you need to do that?" // Me: "Because she can't flush it herself, dumbass! She's a dog!"
Story Quote"Lesbian relationships still required male supervision, so a man had to be included to some capacity. This man was obviously not entitled to sex from either one of them, but as far as household duties and child rearing were concerned, he would be in charge." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaYou may be wondering why I've referred to H.G. Wells as a woman, but there's a logical reason for it. You see, she was a woman. Helena George Wells was a 19th/20th century science fiction writer who propped her brother up as the face of her work, since she would not be accepted.
NanostoryTed, it's Gladys Knight, not Glady's Knight. Glady doesn't own the knight; it's her name. I don't understand you millennials. You leave out literally all punctuation, except where it doesn't belong. Fix and reprint every single invitation. I'm not paying overtime.
“Joke”I keep asking my bank to remove all the vendor names from my purchasing history. My mom still has access to my account, and I would rather she not know how much money I spend on creepy antique dolls from dollsdollsdollsdollsdollsdollsdollsdollsdollsdollsdollsdollsdollsdolls.com.
Story Quote"The one condition that made it clear that the administration had less than no respect for women was that the government would be allowed to name this new settlement for them. They decided to call it Ladytown, principally because of how stupid it sounded." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaOther characters in the Durus Sagas—specifically those in RL Saga—use shortened names, but instead of initials, I chose a string of two of three Latin letters that can be found inside the real names, which also happen to be the transliteration of letters from the Greek alphabet.
Fake ConversationScience Teacher: "Come on, what's the answer!" // Me: "Uh…uh…" // Science Teacher: "I know you know this! Hurry up!" // Me: "I'm thinking!" // Science Teacher: "You shouldn't have to think! Spit it out! What does a barometer measure?" // Me: "Oh, God! This is so much pressure!"
NanostoryThere once was a man from Nantucket. He moved to Kansas when he was fifteen years old. We had a few classes together, but we were never close. I think he moved back to Nantucket a few years ago. I friended him on Facebook, but he's ignored the request. The end.
Story Quote"They now hoped to apply the Theseus technique to the central nervous system, though they recognized that it would be far more complicated. It was going to take a lot more research, heaps more patience, and an uncomfortable amount of trial and error." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThere were too many charcters in my 42 Stories microfiction series to come up with a name for each one, so I used Greek letters for some, but only the longer ones, which sound more like real names. That left the shorter ones to be used for the Springfield Nine. It all worked out.
NanostoryTachyons don't move faster than light. That tachyon you're observing that you thought got here before light did is a different tachyon than the one you were looking at over there. Not all tachyons look alike, racist.
Fake ConversationFriend: "The mascot for Wichita State University is stupid." // Me: "Oh, it is? Shocker."
Story Quote"He worded the new proviso in a specific way, and it wasn’t clear if he did it on purpose, or if Mateo was just the smarter one here, who came up with a loophole all on his own. If the latter was true, then he had to keep it all a secret. From everyone." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI spent a lot more time going over the names and initials I used for my Durus Saga tweets than I had originally intended. I claimed that it would only be five days, but ended up using two slots for each character. So I lied to you. I'm a liar. I suppose I picked the right field.
NanostoryThis site uses cookies to provide you with the most personalized and relevant web browsing experience. By using this website, you agree to not steal our cookies. You can have one after you finish your vegetables. But only one. Okay, two, if your mother says it's all right.
NanostoryYo, 2018 called. They said, "DON'T VOTE FOR TRUMP! DEAR GOD, DON'T LET THAT MONSTER TAKE OVER!" It was a wrong number. They were tryna warn 2016. We ain't fallin' for his lies again.
Story Quote"It was the first truly violent thing that the Republic ever did, but unfortunately, there wasn't anything they could do about it. Everyone pretty much knew that the government was responsible, but they couldn't prove it, and no one was brave enough to try." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIn last Sunday's story, my character of Ariadna mentions that friends are good for rides when you're stranded at a movie theatre in a blizzard. This actually happened to me twice in college, and I reached out to acquaintances in both instances; not friends. I don't have friends.
NanostoryUnfortunately, our intern made a mistake when he ordered the Susan Sarandon impersonators, so there won't be enough of them to go around for the girl's soccer league. We will only have enough for one Sue per girl.
“Joke”I think my serial killer neighbor may be a vegan. I'm always worried he's going to accost me by the hedges, and preach to me about animal-based rennet.
Story Quote"They wanted the women to come crawling back to Aljabara, and not because of any particular affinity for them—in fact, the government considered them damaged goods by now—but hopefully the act would solidify the Republic's hold on the city, possibly forever." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe truth is that I don't know if it's even possible to transform a genetic disorder like haemophilia into a contagious viral infection, but I needed something that would wipe out the entire male population of a town sans weapons, so I gave the researchers years to figure it out.
NanostoryMy assistant and my parole officer have fallen in love, and will be getting married last spring. Wait, LAST spring? That means they didn't invite me to their wedding. AND it means they both cheated on me.
Dumb Ditty🎶Prooooo Shred-it Iron Mountain! Over Shred Nation, and everywhere! // Prooooo Shred-it Iron Mountain // This paper, I will mourn!🎶
Story Quote"He was fortunately not the only participant, or everyone in the next generation would have to choose between full and half-siblings. Two paternal bloodlines wasn't the most genetically healthy, but it was better than one, and really all they had available." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSometimes when I'm writing a story, a plot point I come up with will work out so perfectly with a plot point I brought up earlier, without any intention of connecting them, that I start to wonder if my fiction is real, and I'm just relating what truly happened to the audience.
NanostoryI was in an episode of #BreakingBad in 2021. My parole officer was the director. He wasn't my parole officer anymore, though. I finally got out from under his thumb. Then I started dealing human teeth again, but now I have a different parole officer.
Random NothingSorry I took so long, but there was Vulcan blood on that package you had me deliver, so I had to wash my hands, like, ten times. You probably thought I would think it was ink, but I know what it takes to wash Vulcan blood off, and what it tastes like. Who was it? Give me a name.
Story Quote"When Ladytown was founded, people just wanted to live how they pleased. And when the men were wiped out, they just wanted to prepare for the worst. But the government was forcing their hand, and building a real rebellion was the only response at this point." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI'm not exaggerating the "Republicans" in my Durus stories to make some political statement. I call them that because, while their form of government is misogynistically oppressive, it's otherwise technically a republic. Not everyone can vote, but it's due to law, not tyranny.
NanostoryWhat did the chocolate bar say to his ex-girlfriend when she asked if he would vote for her for president? "You make a terrible candy date." // Ooo, yeah, this was a good joke. I'm not gonna regret this later. #election #2020election #votehimout #lockhimup
“Joke”Wow, professor, there sure is a lot of stuff in your office. What do you teach, Materialism? Old Fogie 101?
Story Quote"Statues. The government had erected statues, glorifying the worst criminals and leaders Durus had ever seen. They couldn't even argue that the statues themselves were an important part of history. The one they built last year made Smith look like Superman." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaA matrioshka brain is a gigantic computer that surrounds a star, and uses all feasible energy it puts out. I was surprised to find I'm apparently the first to come up with the matrioshka body, which serves no additional purpose, but why the hell not when your species is immortal?
NanostoryAnd then the colony drone announcer goes, "let's get ready to bumble!" I came up with this joke while I was saving a bus full of children from a giant alligator. It may seem like these things are unrelated, but they are.
LieYou know, technically, #BreakingBad was never cancelled. All the cast and crew just one day sort of simultaneously forgot to come into work.
Story Quote"It nodded, and confirmed, 'that’s Hilde’s mother, yeah?' As a mech, Crimson had perfect memory, so the question needn’t be asked. It was just exercising social grace, and keeping Hogarth part of the conversation, instead of internalizing its thoughts." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI gave a new character the name Crimson Clover, because in the future, people will allow themselves to be more creative, and free of judgment. Only later did I realize it was the perfect name for a superhero, and it worked out, since it was traveling across the multiverse anyway.
Religious IntoleranceI find it funny that Jewish people observe a special day of worship for God on Saturdays, while Christians do it on Sundays. Meanwhile, Muslims do something similar on Fridays. It would make much more sense if they all just stopped worshipping altogether, since God doesn't exist.
NanostoryWhen I was in Australia for vacation, the resort had a game of limbo. I jumped as high as I could, and cleared that stick. The host was all, "you're supposed to go under it." I said, I DID go under it! We're upside down, on the bottom of the world, ya wanka!" They kicked me out.
Story Quote"Necessity had so many children in Novus Metro that she could have started a town of her own. Were this not a temporal, as well as spatial, dimension, they would have surpassed technology in the main sequence in many ways. They seemed to be doing okay." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaTracy Wickham has the abilty to jump as high as she does, as fast as she does, because her legs are basically springs, which lock into place when she's crouched, and release at an incredible speed, like a hopping insect. There are even microscopic springs inside of these springs.
NanostoryI flipped this coin 17,349 times, and got heads every time. I only just now noticed it's a two-headed coin. I have to start the experiment all over again. This is not a joke, I've been working on cracking probability quanta, for a predictive algorithm, for the last sixteen years!
Random NothingAnd the world will be your chew toy, princess with a thousand chew toys. And when you catch them, you will destroy them. But first…I must go out and buy you a new one.
Story Quote"Even in the early days, people were crying for change. It didn’t matter to them whether the promised change was good for them or not; things just had to be different than they were before. That was why no president had lasted more than a single term so far." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI do have a character in my stories called Poppet Drumpf, and that is obviously a reference to Donald Trump, but the fact that he's a bigoted idiot is where their similarities end. He isn't a puppet, he didn't gain power the same way, and he does have SOME leadership qualities.
NanostoryI'm patenting a new type of mask. There's nothing better about it, except that it's like a Rorschach mask. It reads your facial expression on the inside, and alters the colors on the outside. It makes you look like you're smiling when you actually are, or whathaveyou.
NanostoryAll I did was add artificial hands to the robots that were already designed and programmed to do the work more efficiently, and less expensively. This allows all sorts of companies to claim, without lying, that their products are handmade. Second easiest billion I ever made.
Story Quote"The biggest changes he made were to the education system. He decided that women weren't the issue, but the way they were raised as girls. They weren't taught to be independent, but they weren't taught to be submissive either. He deemed this too problematic." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaFletcher House is so called because one of its owners is the Fletcher family, but because of time travel, it was called that long before they moved in. Once they do, the Fletchers will never fully understand why it is that people somehow seem to know something about the future.
NanostoryI think it's about time I clean out my refrigerator. I still have this dead rat in here that I found floating midair in a field when I was 15, and decided to find out what it would be like to build a refrigerator around it, and later my entire house. You had to be there.
NanostoryThat guy is always so surprised to see me. His eyes say, "oh my God, another human. Wow. Okay, be cool, be cool. Don't say anything stupid. I mean, he's another man, so it's not like we can restart the population anyway, but oh my God, he's real! I didn't think it was possible!"
Story Quote"Now that younger generations of girls would be indoctrinated into the belief that they could do nothing on their own, it was time to deal with The Thicket. These women could never change—never be taught. He figured they needed to die, like a household pest." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaTo be clear, there is a difference between a parallel universe, an alternate reality, and an alternate timeline, though I've used the latter two interchangeably, because in salmonverse, they're generally the same thing because concurrent timelines are hard to come by, and rare.
Fake ConversationCop: "Did you kill him?!" // Me: "I want my phone call!" // Cop: "It's 1835! Phones haven't been invented yet!" // Me: […] // Cop: […] // Me: "Wait, are you a time traveler too?" // Cop: "Yeah! What are the odds? […] So, DID you kill him?" // Me: "Hitler's grandfather? Yes."
“Joke”What's that dance people do? You swing your arms really fast in front of your legs? Welp, it doesn't matter what it's called. It's extremely offensive on my planet, and I would really appreciate you not doing it around me. Dabbing is a bit offensive too, but not quite as bad.
Story Quote"It didn't bother him at all that his actions meant that they were no longer living under a republic, but a dictatorship. He wanted more power, and the only way to get it was to hold onto what he already had. Democracy could go take a hike for all he cared." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaOther fiction writers use parallel universe and alternate reality totally interchangeably, but they are not. If any two universes develop with the same laws of physics, or the same history, it's either due to human thought, or pure coincidence. Naturally, it would be impossible.
NanostoryI know, you wouldn't think we would get along, but we actually have a lot in common. I was just as surprised as you are, she seemed so nice at first, but I guess you never really know someone until you know them. I'm probably going to ask her to marry me soon.
“Joke”My new pharmaceutical company is currently seeking volunteers. Do you find yourself getting pissed off when people take a long time to tell a simple joke that's probably already been told in different ways before? Then you might qualify for our impatient study.
Story Quote"They could see some great opportunities to make real changes while Aljabara was distracted and in chaos, but they were afraid of making things worse, or stooping to their level, because that was the kind of thing that their enemies would do in their shoes." #durance #fishquotes
Subcanon TriviaMy fifth grade teacher once gave us all the same beginning of a short story, and we were each meant to go in our own directions from there. In mine, my fictional counterpart realized his dream of owning a window-washing conglomerate. I actually wanted that. I'm afraid of heights.
NanostoryI just got something called a credit card. Have you heard of these? They give me a thousand bucks every month, and don't ask for it back. Seriously, my checking account hasn't changed since. I didn't even give them my bank information. No, I don't check snail mail anymore, why?
“Joke”I think they should put all those fires out.
Story Quote"Traveling to other universes is dangerous, and not just due to physical limitations. Each universe operates on an entirely independent timeline, and is meant to remain as such. Any external force threatens that more than internal time travel ever could." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI have many different collections of superheroes and/or people with special abilities: Ambers, anomalies, and a few groups that have no collective name yet. I had to create entirely new universes in order to accommodate these other groups, because they don't fit together well.
NanostoryI was just disbarred for not being a lawyer.
“Joke”I used to think there was no reason why God couldn't be a woman, but then I realized that this world sucks. So, there's your reason.
Story Quote"They all waited patiently for Ariadna's response. She never wanted to be involved in any of this, but from Mateo's perspective, it was a no-brainer. She had the power to help, and she wasn't doing anything else with her abilities, so who could say no?" #salmonverse #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton Hawk suffered from a time affliction, which forced him to relive his entire life all over again every time he died. This is the story of what he did for the third time around. He hadn't given up yet, but he was unprepared for how things would change for him. #LifeofDalton
NanostoryI hope all this hair floating in the bathtub is my wig, and not an evil ghost witch who's returned from the dead to get her revenge on me for accidentally killing her when I was just trying to steal her potions. That's what happened last year, so the sequel needs to be original.
“Joke”The story was brilliant. The metaphors are clearly a metaphor for metaphors. They are metaphorically analogous to the metaphorical use of metaphorical metaphors, in a metaphorically metaphorical way. The book itself is a metaphor for similes, in a world dominated by metaphors.
Story Quote"Most men had been denying the existence of female mage remnants since the very end of the Interstitial Chaos, and this obvious lie was the Republic's official position. Some even denied that there were ever female full remnants during the Mage Protectorate." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton Hawk's earliest memory is of the last time he nursed at age three, and it's this moment that he returns to now. It's an uncomfortable position for him, this toddler with the mind of a twenty-four year old man, like an extra punchline to his life's cruel joke. #LifeofDalton
NanostoryMy new business teaches women how to properly dispose of pregnancy tests. It can go in with regular trash, except don't just throw it and any ol' basket that anyone can access. Like, make a little effort to hide it, lest you want a misunderstanding to cause hilarity to ensue.
Fake ConversationMom: "What did you have for lunch today?" // Me: "Peanut butter or jelly." // Mom: "Don't you mean 'peanut butter AND jelly'?" // Me: "No, why?"
Story Quote"By the time Remanoir Allen took his seat at the top, most citizens of Aljabara were willing to consider the possibility that women were perhaps not quite as wholly devious and dishonest as the Republicans had made them out to be for the last six decades." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton quickly detaches from his mother, and turns his head in disgust. It occurs to him now that this is possibly what finally convinces her to stop nursing him. It couldn't have made her happy to see him do that. Anyway, it's over now. Best to put it behind him. #LifeofDalton
NanostoryI like to make prank calls where I do a little research, and find someone whose child has gone missing, or who has a lost grandparent with dementia. I don't say anything on the phone. I just let them believe I'm their loved one. Then I hang up, and never call again.
“Joke”Tomorrow, I release a video of me fighting The Rona on a bridge with my bare hands.
Story Quote"Now it really felt like a conspiracy, which was what the small group wanted at this point. They had to seem so large and daunting that there was nothing the old guard could do to stop progress. If this many men trusted women, had they lost the war already?" #durance #fishquotes

October 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Life of DaltonAs awful as it is having the memory of being nursed by his mother, this is where the real challenge begins. He's an adult in a toddler's body. He can't drive, or ride a bike, or even walk with too much grace. He has to act like a little kid, and it's excruciating. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsFor most of the rest of this month, in this slot, I'm going to tell a story about how I almost died alone in the woods once. I want to experiment with new ways to tell stories, so this will be one way I do that. You can decide whether you believe me, or not. It starts in Maine.
“Joke”I asked my son when his birthday was. He just stared at me for a moment, then spit up his milk. He was born just yesterday, you'd think he wouldn't have forgotten already. My son is a moron.
Story Quote"Of course, people had already been trying to move the planet towards a state of true equality, but sometimes hearing the same thing from a different source can change how it's received. Nevertheless, her arrival alone would not be enough. They needed more." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonWhile his muscle memory is all there right away, only the most recent memories of his past life are accessible. Over the next few weeks, earlier memories start returning. Once he's remembered his entire latest life, it goes back to his first life, and continues on. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsA few years ago, I went on vacation. I needed it. I needed to be alone, and to be adventurous, and to do something crazy. I found a small forest in Maine called Dänger Woods, named after some guy named Dänger. I decided to call it Danger Woods, and I was right to. #DangerWoods
“Joke”My company is proud to announce we've cracked it. We'll soon be selling pens that require you to click them twice to use. Why would you want to do this? We forgot to ask ourselves that question before starting research. We're currently working on a three-click prototype as well.
Story Quote"Aside from this, there was a lot of other devastation. The event caused quakes on all planets involved—which was all of them, since it happened during a particular celestial event called Syzygy, where all planets were aligned—fires, and other disruptions." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonWithin two months, Dalton is a full person who has lived eighty-three years of life. He died the first time when he was fifty-six, and the second time at age twenty-four. Now he's a three-year-old with no agency, and no freedom. He's beholden to his family's whims. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI had been camping and hiking before, but never alone. Being alone always bothered me, because even if people knew where you were, if something went wrong, that could be it. They might never find your body. But life isn't about always playing it safe. I had to try. #DangerWoods
“Joke”I built a sauna in my house, not because I particularly like saunas, but so that I can sweat out a lot of the oh so much water that I drink. I used to wake up, like, six times a night. Now I only wake up, like, four times a night.
Story Quote"They had never had a full roster before, but that was probably because every invention one of them had come up with thus far had been for the benefit of the inner circle. This was at the request of the people of the Milky Way, so it was more delicate." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Life of DaltonThe first few years are dangerous. He's completely out of place in school. He doesn't need to learn colors and numbers like his classmates. But he also can't out himself as a prodigy, or his genius will be all that defines him. And will eventually catch up to him. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsMy first problem was that I ran out of water. I thought it would be okay, because Dänger Woods isn't that big of a forest, so I expected to encounter civilization quickly. But then I lost sight of the trail. I was just among the trees, with no idea how to get out. #DangerWoods
“Joke”Everyone should experience a first class plane ride once, and then never again.
Story Quote"The six of them sat around the table in the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Ariadna was doing whatever, Missy had never returned from the Fourth Quadrant, and there was literally not enough room for J.B. around the hexagon, so he gladly sat off to the side." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Life of Dalton"His plan to stay under the radar isn't strong enough. His kindergarten teacher picks up on the fact that he's far beyond the other students within a few days. They immediately bump him up to first grade, where he becomes determined to stay until the year is over. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsIt's my second day, and I'm already lost, and the biggest issue with that is my family isn't expecting to hear from me for another three weeks. I was only planning on hiking for a week, but I wanted to stay off the grid for the rest of the time. No one will miss me. #DangerWoods
“Joke”I've just been informed by a credible source that @Chris_Meloni has the word 'melon' in his name. Bear in mind that this has not been confirmed by a second source, but I will be personally investigating this matter. I will update you if, and when, I verify this claim.
Story Quote"He fancied himself the Nelson Mandela of Durus, which was offensive on so many levels, but no one could trace this claim directly back to him, so in a lot of people's minds, he was a changed man. People loved him on both sides, which was quite frustrating." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonUnfortunately for him, he continues to excel where he shouldn't. The material is simply too easy for him, and he can't help but ace every single assignment, and every single test. In a semester, he's moved to second grade. He has to find a way to dumb himself down. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsFor two or three hours, I just sit against a tree. I don't know how to find water, or get myself out of there. I can't make a halfway decent shelter, and I'm too exhausted to build a fire. But I decide to try. I stand up, walk one meter, and fall into a literal trap. #DangerWoods
“Joke”With our patented shark tank bed, you can sleep soundly at the bottom of a shark tank. The shark won't bother you, because they're not as vicious as they're portrayed, but you'll drown if you can't breathe underwater. This is geared more towards people who can breathe underwater.
Story Quote"She wasn't told who Drumpf was, or what he had done, but she could still tell that he couldn't be trusted. A blind person can smell the bullshit in the air. If he was waiting for her support, then he would be waiting for the rest of his life, and then some." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonThere might only be one way for Dalton to get through this without people getting too suspicious about him. He has to trust someone with the truth. So he waits a couple of months until a particular date comes along. He needs to predict something accurately as proof. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsNow, this ain't your average three meter pit. This is some Home Alone murdery bullshit. It's not that deep. I would easily be able to climb out, except that this asshole put nails at the bottom. They went right through both feet. I guess I've never felt pain before. #DangerWoods
“Joke”I say to the waiter, "excuse me…there's a bomb in my soup." He replies, "bomb active?" I say, "no." He says, "then what problem?" But imagine him saying this shirtless on a horse, with a heavy Russian accent. This was before he was president, when he was just an assassin waiter.
Story Quote"It wasn't the most important thing to do right now, but it had symbolic significance. People wanted to move past their past, and start fresh, as if this world were only now being colonized. The nomenclature of yesterday just reminded them of their mistakes." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton steps into the guidance counselor's office, and plops down on a chair. She greets him, but says nothing further, instead waiting for him to speak. He tells her about tomorrow; about how two unrelated bombs are going to go off in Arcadia. No one will be hurt. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI don't feel the pain right away, but once it comes in, I have to let it out. I scream louder than I knew my voice could go. I imagine birds abandoning a tree hundreds of miles away. I see the ISS picking up my transmission. This is the worst thing I've experienced. #DangerWoods
“Joke”I haven't updated my Facebook status since 1974.
Story Quote"For now, this would probably be okay, because of the whole 'provisional' part. But it was not necessarily a good dynamic in the long-term. It could end up okay, like the Adhocracy that formed a hundred and forty years ago. Or it could just lead to anarchy." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonAfter he reveals to his counselor the shocking prediction, Dalton stands to leave her office, but then he stops to make sure she knows he doesn't expect her to believe him, but that she'll see he's telling the truth tomorrow. He will return in two days for debrief. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsThey say you're not supposed to take something out if it's stabbed you, but I have no choice. I can't stay here, I have zero cell reception, and the nails are attached to wooden boards, which are buried in the dirt. The only way I'll survive is if I try to step out. #DangerWoods
Fun FactI'm basically Keanu Reeves, but if Keanu Reeves were not an actor, less attractive, not as good of a person, and trying to destroy the world.
Story Quote"They would have remained in the transitional period even if it had gone smoothly, because no one had written a new Constitution…because no one knew how. Even so, it was a requirement for full-fledged governmental recognition, according to a recent poll." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonCounselor Lake didn't try to convince Dalton that he was just making up stories about the future. She let him continue believing, because if it was only fantasy, he would soon be proven wrong, but if true, he would be proven right, and she wanted to be part of that. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI pull my right foot off of the nails as quick as possible, like the proverbial adhesive bandage. Whoever coined that phrase didn't know what the hell they were talking about. I take the left foot out slower, and it doesn't hurt as much. I do not know why, though. #DangerWoods
“Joke”Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni stared at the same block of marble for seven years before his assistant walked into the room, and realized Michelangelo was just dead.
Story Quote"Little Hilde was fascinated by this concept, so much so that she based her whole life around the possibility of becoming immortal, so a few decades to her felt like taking a short trip to the store. When her mother returned, that was what she asked for." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Life of DaltonThe next day, two bombs go off in Arcadia. One is a construction site mishap, which all workers were able to escape from. The second is an attempt to blow open the vault of a bank. It didn't work. Dalton was right. He predicted the future. Counselor Lake is shocked. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI take off my shirt, and do my level best to tear it into two strips. I wrap one around each foot, and then force my shoes back on. So it's all covered up, and the bleeding has mostly stopped, but that doesn't mean I can walk again. I crawl away, pretty quickly too. #DangerWoods
“Joke”There's a deleted scene in the third #LordoftheRings movie where the elf bread goes stale, so Frodo rips a bite off with his teeth, and snarls at Samwise. Then Sam flips him off, accidentally revealing he's wearing the ring. They fight, then they kiss. Then they meet a falconer.
Story Quote"July 9, 2124 was the date according to the people on this side of the island, and also the Cassidy cuffs. But they needed to travel back in time nearly three million years, which was something that they couldn't do right now, with or without the cuffs." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton skips lunch the next day, and goes to visit Counselor Lake again. She asks him to explain how he knew about the bombs before they happened. She didn't believe this child had had anything to do with them, especially since they were unconnected to each other. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsAs I'm crawling aimlessly, it occurs to me that a human set that nail trap, and I don't know which direction this person doesn't want me to go, so I might be heading that way. I also realize there are probably more traps, which is proved right when I trip another. #DangerWoods
Random NothingThe Book of Extra Long Episode Titles: Chapter Hundred: #BlackLightning's Back.
Story Quote"The Overseer was not in charge of the battalion, but she could petition for aid if she felt it was warranted, and the powers that be were obliged to at least consider the request. Though Durus was beyond their scope, they agreed to come set things right." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton tells Lake about how this is his third life, but he doesn't want to be bumped up to higher grade levels, because he has no interest in being a prodigy, and he isn't particularly brilliant in general, so he'll eventually plateau anyway. She agrees to help him. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsEven though it's at eye level, tears in my eyes from the irritation of pain cloud my vision, and prevent me from seeing the trip wire. But it's also a godsend. Because I'm on my belly, the spiky log that swings down to finish me off misses me. Bad systems thinking. #DangerWoods
NanostorySixty years from now, society has finally recognized that no method of psychological treatment has ever truly worked, and that the only thing that's ever done any good is more cupcake shops. Patients don't have to eat the cupcakes. They just need to live near a lot of the shops.
Story Quote"It was a great big relief for the world when the majority of the salmon battalion disappeared through their portal. The achievement almost made people forget that some of them wanted to return to Earth as well, and the salmon could try to give them that." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonCounselor Lake decides to set up a special gifted program, just for him. It's an independent study, so Dalton can screw off all day while in school, and not worry about showing off to others. Unfortunately, it would look inappropriate if it was just the two of them. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsAfter the deathlog nearly takes my head off, I worm my way to the nearest tree, hoping to make it the whole meter without something else trying to kill me. I lean against it, just to catch my breath, but fall asleep. I don't know how long it's been when I reawaken. #DangerWoods
“Joke”Please send me your used disinfecting wipes for a project I'm working on that doesn't involve infusing life into an amalgamation of all your germs.
Story Quote"Étude Einarsson was a special little girl, who was destined to help a lot of people on Earth. She was born to be a Savior, one in a class of salmon whose responsibility it was to save lives by being teleported to people by the omniscient 'powers that be'." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonThey decide they have to trust someone else, someone close to Dalton's age, or grade level, and a girl, to be less suspicious. Tying to prevent people from thinking the guidance counselor is having sex with children is something he never thought he would have to do. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI've always been a sleepwalker. I've staged my dolls on the couches, I've tried to turn the lightswitch on using the closet doorknob. I even knocked my TV over once, thinking an enemy combatant was attacking me. But I've never done it through the woods. Until now. #DangerWoods
“Joke”Me: "Would you like to dance?" // My date: "Oh, I'm sorry, I have two left feet." // Me: "That's okay, I can be patient." // My date: "And two right feet. I'm a bug. Gregor Samsa was my father." // Me: "I thought there was something about you that I liked."
Story Quote"Other woman were part of the new government, but none so high up, because they hadn't before been given the education or experience to make policy. Voters weren't trying to continue the misogyny; there just weren't many women who felt comfortable running." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonThere's a girl in my current grade named Rochelle. If I recall correctly, in a few years, she will be diagnosed with autism. She's both brilliant, and different, and she'll be perfect for our unique gifted program, because she could use some one-on-one help anyway. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI don't know where I thought I was going while I was sleepwalking through the forest. I was lost before, and I'm still lost now. I didn't even manage to call upon some animal instinct to navigate. Nothing's changed, except hopefully there are no traps in this area. #DangerWoods
“Joke”You're watching hopelessly as the alien horde descends upon the city. Similar reports are appearing on social media, all around the world, but then the power goes out. The last text you wrote is…the last text you wrote. Don't say it to the aliens, it's probably a non sequitur.
Story Quote"The fact that there wasn't enough room on the ship to accommodate everyone who wanted to go wasn't the point. It wouldn't change, regardless of how the group handled it. But had they asked nicely, at least they could have started this process in good faith." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonIt's not like they trick Rochelle, or her family, into being part of the program. Counselor Lake really does help her with an independent study that she devised. Dalton learns a thing or too as well, but he mostly spends his school days browsing on the internet. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsIt starts getting dark, so I try to find shelter, but now it's too dark for me to find my way around. A drop of rain falls on my head, and then another. But I only feel one more drop after that before the whole sky falls down, and traps me in God's wrathful flood. #DangerWoods
“Joke”I have two sets of ears. One pair can listen to music, while the other can go on thinking there's any justice in the world.
Story Quote"The Shortlist wasn't something they just came up with one day while they were all hanging around together. It took a lot of time and effort to organize. Hogarth couldn't help but worry that this new group had no hope of reaching a legitimate decision." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton and Rochelle continue doing the unique gifted program all the way through high school. No one else qualifies for it; they do their own thing. Kids try to start rumors about what really goes on in this room, but everyone ends up thinking they're pretty cool. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsSo I'm bleeding, exhausted because I walked through my whole nap, cold, wet, hungry, and still lost. With no hope of finding shelter, I just keep trudging through the mud, brush, and thorns. I manage to get pretty far without slipping, but then I do, and I fall hard. #DangerWoods
Fake ConversationMe: "Doctor, I'm worried about my son. He just sits in his bean bag chair, watching manga all day." // Doctor: "Well, it's not manga. You see, when it's animated—" // Me: "No, it's manga. Trust me, I know the difference. It's very unsettling."
Story Quote"They asked him to program it to grow to maturity after a year, and no sooner. There were ways to expedite the cloning process, but generally speaking, the closer you get to realtime, the more stable the substrate will be, and the longer it will last." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Life of DaltonAs an adult, Dalton needn't bother himself with the concerns of childhood. Young people's problems are not invalid, or trivial, but he has a perspective that no one else his "age" does. He doesn't have any friends, but he can be counted on to protect the underdogs. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI slide down a very steep and muddy hill, and hit my head on something sharpish. It's smooth, though, so not a rock or tree. It's too dark to tell, and this is kind of the last straw. I'm deciding to give up. If it's my time to die, I won't fight…not against nature. #DangerWoods
Dumb Ditty🎵I'll take you to the doughnut shop. I'll let you fight with all the cops.🎵
Story Quote"The circumstance was unprecedented, but there were plenty of similar situations on Earth, where siblings separated at early ages were reunited. No one here had ever actually seen it happen, but still, their romantic connection was weird. It was very weird." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonWhen Dalton is a freshman, a junior moves to town, and doesn't realize that bullies don't exist at his new school. The teachers and staff stay out of it, so that Dalton can disabuse him of his misconceptions. He has to do this sort of thing for people all the time. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI lie in the mud, letting rain fall on my face. I stay there until the sun comes up, and the rain stops. Then I stay there longer, until my curiosity gets the best of me, and I sit up to investigate this thing I hit my head on. It's a metal case, and it's not locked. #DangerWoods
“Joke”Research has shown that it costs an average of $7,000 to kill one chicken in this country. I really throw off the numbers, though, because I charge a lot more to make it look like an accident.
Story Quote"This would be yet another symbolic gesture, to signify the rejection of the former Republic, and a return to the glory of the Mage Protectorate, though with more democracy. Polls suggested that it would be a tight race, because not everyone was convinced." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonThough Dalton doesn't have a group of friends, his ability to treat others with kindness—with a level of maturity not seen in many adults—attracts a lot of people to him. He can't ever accept their advances, however, as he is technically decades older than everyone. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsInside the case is a bunch of survival stuff: water, MREs, firestarting materials, and a little gizmo with a single button. I don't know what the button does, and I'm not one of those people who absolutely has to pop bubblewrap, so I wait, and read the note first. #DangerWoods
Random NothingOn the review aggregation website Rotten Tomatoes, the series holds a 101% approval rating, indicating that the producer used his godpowers to subvert a rule of mathematical logic, and add an extra positive review to the aggregator.
Story Quote"It was estimated that there would be 500,000 people living on Durus by the time 2180 ended. The celebration would mark this occasion, as well as the Bicentennial, hopefully appeasing those few who disagreed that it had been 200 years since the beginning." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton decides to skip college. He had no choice but to go to grade school, but he has a choice now, and he just can't work that hard again. Fortunately, money is no issue. He never paid attention to the stock market, but he does remember the rise of cryptocurrency. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsThe survival kit's note reads as follows: 'Dear Traveler, I stashed this cache for myself, should the world end. If this has happened, I suppose it belongs to you now, but if not, please replace my supplies, and return to civilization. I may need it in the future.' #DangerWoods
“Joke”Thank you for coming to this press conference. Please hold your questions until the end. I'm here to announce…that I'm not a famous person, and it's weird you all showed up. Everyone talks about how bad the media have gotten, but this is crazy. You need to go report the news.
Story Quote"Some were born with the rare ability to alter the aging process, which would ultimately create a population boom, because death was no longer such an inescapable certainty. Everyone had a place, and it sometimes felt like they were placed there on purpose." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonWhen it was first introduced, lyricoin was valued at only a few cents, which allowed Dalton to buy thousands for only two hundred bucks. In nine years, it reaches an all time high of $24,425. He becomes a millionaire overnight, by selling them from multiple wallets. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsThe note continues on the back: 'If you're lost, and unable to return to civilization, the enclosed beacon will direct me to your location. You don't have to believe me when I say I'll come rescue you, but what do you have to lose by pressing it?' I press the button. #DangerWoods
Random NothingI'm starting my landmark one hundredth company. It's call Netforks. Users pay a monthly premium to look at still images of various forks. I'm not even trying anymore.
Story Quote"Perhaps all of this was exactly what drove the people of Durus to want to break free from their mother world’s protection and support. They wanted to go off on their own, orbit their own sun, and provide for themselves. It was what they were supposed to do." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonIf Dalton had tried to sell all 6,000 lyricoins at once, it could have negatively impacted the value. He had to both sell his coins quickly, but from separate sources, so by the time the market stabilized, he was already flush with cash—real cash, with steady value. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsAs soon as I press the beacon, I look around. I write a lot about time travelers and teleporters, so I sometimes forget that none of it is real. If anyone is coming to answer my distress call, it will to take time. It does give me hope, though, and that motivates me. #DangerWoods
“Joke”I got shot with a smartgun, but I think it's going to be okay. The bullet went through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through.
Story Quote"Used to be, a man could die, feeling like he was the most important man in the world. Now, though, everyone lives to see themselves drift into obscurity. That’s gonna start causing a lot of problems. Immortality has downsides that they did not predict." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Life of DaltonOf course, it's a lot more complicated than just going online, and clicking 'sell' for his lyricoins, but he's able to get it done, because he doesn't ever want to have to work a day in his life, and doing this right is the only thing he should ever need to learn. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI feel amped up after pressing the button. Even if no one comes to rescue me, it'll be fine. Maybe I can find my own way out, and it won't matter. Then I realize, I don't know how this thing works. If he ever does come, and I've left, that will be annoying for him. #DangerWoods
“Joke”Do you think that Canadians notice that every single Canadian actor is in every single Canadian television production that lasts for more than four seasons?
Story Quote"Ellie and Sanaa looked none too happy either. Mateo never met the guy. When he was on Bida, Pryce was always somewhere else, and their paths never crossed. He was a bad person, though, according to stories, so Mateo knew to agree with their revulsion." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton once read somewhere that the average person in the developed world spends about four million dollars over their lifetime. To avoid ever worrying about it, he decides to save ten million bucks for spending money, and set aside the rest for charitable projects. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsNow that the rain has stopped, and the sun is out, I become determined to find a way to survive on my own, until rescue comes, assuming it ever does. I'm also assuming that the booby trap guy and the survival kit guy are not the same guy, and I'm safe in this area. #DangerWoods
“Joke”Kind of like how the entire cast of #Scrubs disappeared after the series ended? Sure, they moved on to other projects—I could even name a few of them. There was Devious Maids, and Podcast. By the way, I know it wasn't actually called Podcast, but…does it matter?
Story Quote"If they wanted water, they could simply open a filter portal to their location. Hell, filter portals could replace water bottles and breathing tanks altogether, and allow anyone to go anywhere they wanted, and always have everything they needed to survive." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonAnd he does want to work on charitable projects, rather than simply give money away to people who need it. With this kind of cash, he can really invest in something that will benefit the community, and even beyond. With a foundation, he can help people help people. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI'm about halfway done with my crappy shelter when a helicopter flies overhead. There's nowhere to land, so it keeps going. About an hour later, a man approaches with a smile on his face. He asks me what the chances are that someone like me finds his emergency cache. #DangerWoods
“Joke”The Little Girl From [insert random old movie everyone in Generation Y remembers watching when they were kids here] is Dead Now and Gorgeous
Story Quote"They were long past the elitism and bigotry that formed in 2161, but it was still a huge step for the original Durune. On the other side, the Earthans had mostly accepted this as their new home, and that was impressive as well. Everyone was a native now." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonHe hires a bunch of really smart people to help him start his foundation, and make sure all his money goes to the right places. He diversifies too, though, investing some of it into stocks that he has a vague recollection will do well. He makes a name for himself. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsI tell him my story, and he offers me a ride back to safety in his helicopter. I gladly accept, and we laugh about something innocuous, and in the midst of it, he lifts a gun from his back, and shoots me in the stomach. He tells me no one can know his survival plans. #DangerWoods
NanostoryI was a security guard for one year, a police officer for two years, an FBI agent for three years, a CIA agent for four years, an NSA agent for five years, and the Emperor of Earth for the last sixty-three years. I guess you could say I'm better than you in every way possible.
Story Quote"Scientists and law enforcement worked together, and lobbied the government to give them permission to use this new technology. Time travel was illegal, so it wasn't easy, but they did finally get their day pass. World leadership had some conditions, though." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonThe more generous Dalton is, the more he's scrutinized to suss out secret motives of his that don't exist. He's got ten million in savings, and that's more than anyone really needs. Some just can't wrap their brains around the idea that he's not corrupt in some way. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsLike an amateur, my fake rescuer turns around, and walks away. He doesn't bother shooting me again, or waiting to make sure I die. He's not too crazy, though. It might take awhile, but I will die from this. I lie in the dirt, certain of my fate. I reflect on my life. #DangerWoods
“Joke”I live in a tiny home with 2,439 others. It works, because they each only exists one day every year. And it's located in another dimension…the size of a high-rise. That we share with 53,901 others. But they're all fairies. I couldn't decide on a lie, so I threw them all in here.
Story Quote"It started out as a way to jump between systems in a galaxy, before expanding to other galaxies, and eventually all over the universe. Once the process was fully automated, and left to conquer the cosmos, its inventors decided they needed a new challenge." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonHis naïveté comes back to bite him in the ass when a man breaks into his foundation offices, and starts waving a gun around, shouting lies about money laundering. Dalton can't tell if he meant to, but he does finally fire that gun, and hits him right in the chest. #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsAs I'm lying there, choking on my own blood, I hear footsteps. A man in a green raincoat hovers over me. "I followed your trail of destruction from my traps, all the way to here," he says. "Looks like you got yourself in a bit more trouble." He smiles contemptuously. #DangerWoods
“Joke”I was trapped on an island with Josh Hutcherson once. It wasn't that bad. We spent five years there, and then we became Green Arrow.
Story Quote"Most agreed that this would somehow have to be bigger and better in every way. But what did that mean? Two weeks long? Faster rides? More impressive time power modifications? That was what the committee was for, and why they needed five years to plan it." #durance #fishquotes
Life of DaltonDalton dies and reawakens immediately, dreading having to go through all this a fourth time. Then he realizes he's not where he should be if he went back in time to start his life over again. His mom isn't here, and he isn't a baby. He's not even Dalton anymore… #LifeofDalton
Danger WoodsBooby trap guy isn't the most pleasant of people, but he does nurse me back to health, which is how I'm still alive today to tell you this story. As I said, I know you might not believe me, but let it be a warning: don't ever go into the woods alone. It's dangerous. #DangerWoods
“Joke”I make $24 a week working from home in 1913 with this simple trick that doctors don't want you to know.
Story Quote"He smiled, though as a holographic projection of a boundless metaconsciousness, it was just for show. 'I don’t talk to many people, and they all ask that. The answer is...no particular reason. You’re random.' He seemed worried that sounded offensive." #salmonverse #fishquotes

November 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
Canon TriviaThe matrioshka body that you can read about in my current mezzofiction series, Glisnia, is actually finally the manfestation of a concept I first mentioned back in the first volume of The Advancement of Mateo Matic. Back then, I called it a hyperintelligent mechacelestial being.
Fake ConversationParole Officer: "Wow, you were Left Shark for Halloween. What a topical reference." // Me: "Everyone says that. No, I'm not stupid Left Shark. I'm Right Shark." // Parole Officer: *scoffs* "Was there even a right shark in that show?" // Me: "I don't know. I never saw it."
“Joke”Here's the real presidential line of succession: 1) Me. 2) A random mayfly. 3) Me again. 4) Still me. 5) Me, in perpetuity.
Story Quote"He closed his eyes, and held his palms together, like a silly cartoon. Then he got all the cynicism and skepticism out of his system, so he could genuinely pray to this regular man who probably liked having people believe he was some kind of time god." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe afterlife simulation featured in the current volume of The Advancement of Mateo Matic is a concept I came up with years ago. A web series on the Cracked channel called People Watching stole my idea, as did an arc on Doctor Who. I came after Riverworld, but I've never read it.
NanostoryI was friends with Shakespeare for a time. You expect me to say he was a jerk, but he was actually a great guy—little kooky, but that was just part of his creative process. If you caught him just after he finished writing a new play, he was really easy to get along with.
Fake ConversationMe: "Who run the world?" // You: "Girls!" // Me: "WRONG! It's the reptiles! But we can fight back! Choose your weapons, ladies!"
Story Quote"A part of him kind of figured that Springfield would either destroy itself and die out, or find their own way back to Earth. He was surprised to find that Durus was now a thriving civilization, with advanced technologies, and yes, even a potential way home." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaLast year, I wrote the origin of Nadia Dupond, a.k.a. The Historian. Her ability to sense past and future history once belonged in a since deprecated story I started that suggested this ability was something all temporal manipulators had, rather than something specific to her.
NanostoryI ran away from home when I was seven, not because I hated my family, but because I needed adventure. My mother is a seer, so she knew I would return three years later, and everything would be fine. Until the Great War struck, of course, and we found ourselves moving to Iceland.
“Joke”I was the one responsible for #BreakingBad's cancellation last week. I'm not sorry.
Story Quote"So it was really important that these people knew what they were doing, and that they accounted for every little thing that could possibly go wrong. Many things did go wrong, and their extensive preparation was invaluable in their efforts to correct them." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaDo not mistake the Time Cave with the Time Crevice. They exhibit similar properties, but they're on different planets (Thālith al Naʽāmāt Bida versus Durus), move time at different speeds, and the latter does not lead back to Earth. Though that feature would have been convenient.
Bright IdeaAn app that asks you what kind of relationship you have with each contact (friend, relative, affair, boss). When you try to send someone a message, the AI will analyze it, and determine whether you selected the right recipient, or made a mistake. No more sexy pics to your mom.
“Joke”I would just like to point out that I've never been voted out of #Survivor, or #BigBrother.
Story Quote"It was one of the few things the phallocratic government did right during this time period. They even passed laws to prevent anyone from trying to use it as a form of punishment, which was, quite frankly, impressive for such an oppressive administration." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI won't end my Durance microfiction series on a cliffhanger, but I will be leaving it open for more. The story has a logical conclusion—from the beginning of life on Durus, to the end of an era—but the world will go on, in one form, or another. It will have been changed, though.
NanostoryIf you talk to my ex-girlfriends, they'll all say the same thing about me, "we keep trying to tell him that we don't exist, but the fact that we can tell him anything undermines what we're saying, and supports his denial that we're imaginary, and that he will die alone."
“Joke”I take a lot of medicine: an anticoagulant, probiotics, a coagulant, antibiotics, stimulants, anticonvulsants, depressants, and convulsants.
Story Quote"They changed other things about their government too, like renaming the head of state Luminator Prime, and having officials dress up in special clothing that apported photons of light from the center of their new suns. It was symbolic, but still important." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaLeona Delaney's first memory as a child in Reality 1 was of her mother making quiche for breakfast. She died a week later. Knowing this, Horace Reaver taught himself how to make it, to endear himself to her, and this characteristic of his has carried over into each reality since.
NanostoryOh, you're right, this does taste good. And I can feel the fat dripping off of my body. I can see it too. Wait, I can REALLY see it. Oh my God! I'm melting! I'm meeeellltiiiing! Is there water in this diet smoothie!?
“Joke”Three friends you don't care about responded to events happening tomorrow.
Story Quote"There were definitely paramounts powerful enough to rip it out of the ground, and banish it from the surface of the planet, at least when working in tandem. To be safe, they could even remove a kilometer diameter of land along with it, and hey, free crater." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaWhen I first started writing microfiction, I didn't know what that meant, because I had made up that word. My stories have been generally getting longer and longer, which takes more time to write, and really stresses me out. But will making them short again feel less respectable?
Fake ConversationMe: "I can't believe I'm moving again. I just last week found the bathroom in my current apartment." // My parole officer: "Dude, you've lived here for eleven months. Where have you been going to the bathroom?" // Me: "I drive a couple towns over to the gas station."
“Joke”The word "letter" only has one letter "e". The second "e" is actually a copy of the first one.
Story Quote"Crimson spent the better part of the next week teaching her how to transport her atoms to other universes, and more importantly, how to navigate to a specific point in spacetime. Then it showed her the coordinates to Declan’s location specifically." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaSarah 'Fairware' Fitzsimmons is named after Fitz and Simmons from the MCU series, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. She is not particularly anything like either of those two, though she is technically proficient, and highly intelligent. I wouldn't read anything more into it if I were you.
NanostoryShe's beautiful, smart, and she wears a mask when she's around other people to help slow the spread of a deadly viral pathogen. I find that last thing incredibly sexy. She's a unicorn.
“Joke”I keep forgetting that paper burns at 451 degrees Fahrenheit, and only programming my book-burning bonfire to burn at 450 degrees.
Story Quote"Whenever he looked at someone, the worst thing they did in their past flashed before his eyes. If he looked at them a second time, the second worst thing they did flashed. The cycle would continue ad nauseum, and the strain from this drove him crazy." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaLowell Benton's psychic abilities are similar to David Dunn's from the Unbreakable film series, so there's an example of someone who uses this gift as a vigilante without killing people. Lowell has never had to kill the sinners; he just doesn't want his job to take too much time.
Fake ConversationOfficiant: "You may now kiss the bride." // Me: "I don't need your permission. I need hers."
“Joke”Even looking at pictures of sheep lowers testosterone. Think about it. Have you ever seen an aggressive shepherd? Ya know, besides Jack.
Story Quote"Some people worried that this was only the beginning, that they would eventually lose all time-based privileges. After all, what exactly was the difference between a person with time powers, and a machine that could manipulate time? Biology? Yeah, maybe." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe planet Ceres has a perfect orbital pattern. Even the moon revolves around the planet exactly ten times per solar year. While the planet itself isn't technically considered artificial, its coalescence billions of years ago did involve humans and an artificial gravity accident.
Fake Conversation.@JudgeJudy: "Do you live alone?" // Me: "No, Your Honor, I live with my doppelgänger." // JJ: "You mean your twin." // Me: "No, ma'am, he's from an alternate reality, in a world where @realDonaldTrump was reëlected. He's a refugee." // JJ: Umm…" // Me: "Um is not an answer."
“Joke”I can't find my army. They were running battle simulations in my lair, but then they just disappeared. Up to $750,000 for any information leading to their safe return. No questions asked, I won't be mad, but they do have to be at the real war in five weeks.
Story Quote"It was a frightening day more than a sad one. This wasn't to say that no one cared about this individual, or that no one was in mourning, but it was becoming clear that everyone was doomed. If death was back on the table, their whole society could collapse." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI have four Saturdays left over this year which I intended to use for a crossover connecting the Sky is a Neighborhood series. I'm not sure that works anymore, because of all the time jumping, and how I ended each story. I've been working on a new character who might fit better.
Fake ConversationCopper: "You're under arrest for threatening your nephew's life." // Me: "I didn't threaten him, I lied." // Copper: "Excuse me?" // Me: "When I said I would kill him, that wasn't true, so it was a lie, and lying isn't illegal." // Copper: "Wull…I mean… 'Cause no, that's just—"
Dirty JokeEver since I was fifteen years old, I've had an innate sense of what eight point three inches looks like.
Story Quote"Regular humans use adenosine triphosphate to do work, and empowered people use temporal energy…and also ATP, because they too are alive. No one knows where temporal energy comes from, but scientists assume that it replenishes itself by the passage of time." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThe character I mentioned working on last night either has the ability to teleport, or travel through time, but they can only do it after a hard run. They don't run faster than tachyons, or some bullcrap, but they have to exert themselves greatly in order to open their portal.
NanostoryAn athens is the same distance as a marathon, except you're tired because you just ran a marathon, but forgot the spear your mom gave you on the battlefield, so you can't just leave it there. That's what makes it so hard, knowing how disappointed she'll be if you don't find it.
“Joke”Fear is not an emotion, it's a commonwealth.
Story Quote"Technology wasn’t nearly as advanced as it was on Earth right now, but engineers had learned enough to build these connected bunkers. They didn’t know what was going to happen to the world, but it was the best way to survive a number of disaster scenarios." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaOkay, I've made a few decisions about this running time traveler I've been talking about. I've not decided on who they are as a person, but I've started to call them The Sprinter. They can go backwards or forwards in time, and the faster they sprint, the further they can travel.
NanostoryI bought my first house in 2010, and lived there for ten years. Now my son's found an apartment, so I need to downsize. I found the perfect house, and ended up chatting it up with the seller, who revealed she needed to upgrade. So she will live in my old house. We just switched.
“Joke”The average person will eat three rocks in their lifetime. That number is a little skewed, though, because I eat about 1,080,000 rocks every day.
Story Quote"It was absurd that something smaller than a house could have any impact on something as massive as a star. Experts hypothesized that there was more temporal energy stored in those rocks than anyone realized, or that it was channeling it from somewhere else." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI'm thinking that, if The Sprinter runs one km/h, they can open a portal that goes back one year, buf it they run two km/h, they should be able to go back further than two years. I feel like it should be exponential? I'm not good at math, so I'm going to need someone to colab.
NanostoryThis recipe calls for 500 pinches of salt. It is very clear that I am not allowed to measure it in cups. I have to literally take 500 pinches. In light of this development, I'm pushing the party back a day. Please amend your RSVP if this changes things for your schedule.
“Joke”Okay, I subjugated all the cats in the country. They will fight for me to the death. What now?
Story Quote"Lenkida, Hogarth, Hilde, Ethesh, and Crimson would be the only people ever in the room. They would not leave, and literally no one else would be allowed in, until the job was done. Once it was, the room would be completely destroyed, and never rebuilt." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaTamerlane Pryce may appear to have insurmountable unchecked control over his afterlife simulation. We will soon find out what his weaknesses are, why he has them in the first place, and how our heroes will exploit them to escape, and possibly even defeat him. But not this week.
NanostoryMy cough is very distinct. Everyone knows it's me when it's me. I'm working very hard right now to stay quiet, so the guy in the stall doesn't know that I'm the one who is purposely peeing on the floor, instead of the urinal. I heard him cough, so I know he's the judgy co-worker.
“Joke”I can look at a photo of the band Crash Test Dummies, and tell you which one of them is the lead singer. I get it right about half the time.
Story Quote"This world was located on a hidden partition of the simulation that siphoned very little power, and was built and run by Gilbert, using his unrestricted access. He was confident that Pryce would have no way of getting into it, at least not virtually." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI've mentioned a few times in my stories how a woman who is married, but still goes by her maiden name, is addressed as Madam. This is a convention that I made up, and bears no resemblance to how the real world works, but I like it, so I'm going to keep using it at my leisure.
“Joke”This cottage cheese is low fat free. There's no low fat here. It's pretty much just all fat. We barely left any room for the cottage. HA! Zinger!
Story Quote"Every second here was now pretty much only about survival, and no one wanted to live past the destruction of the population, so they all made sure to remain inclusive and fair. Many crimes were punishable by a naked surface walk, so it was vanishingly rare." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI've come up with a brand new microfiction series called Cloze Tests. I'll write a story, and replace certain words with blanks, so you can fill them in yourself. They may be funny, they may not be, but either way, it's highly experimental, so keep that in mind when reading them.
NanostoryWhen you just say COVID, I don't know which COVID you mean. It could be COVID-16, or COVID-33, or COVID-37, or COVID-40. You know, I may be thinking of the kalavirus. Give me a second. *checks notes* Ah, see the mutations actually match up perfectly, except that 16 should be 19.
NanostoryIf I had been chosen as the God of your species, I probably wouldn't have made giving birth hurt so much. But instead, you got stuck with an antinatalist. I was in charge of dolphins and pigs. My sadistic roommate was assigned hyenas. He was fired.
Story Quote"They were lucky to have found the feature, because it wasn't immediately apparent to them, and it wasn't something people would need on a regular basis. Perhaps the machine was somewhat sentient, and knew that this was exactly what they needed to survive." #durance #fishquotes
Canon TriviaA long time ago, I decided that I wanted to come up with a fictional solution to the D.B. Cooper mystery. The #Leverage episode about it, which I rewatched yesterday, reminded me of this. I think I've now mapped out a pretty interesting version. It obviously involves time travel.
NanostoryYou can't just quit the CIA. If you try to leave, and get a job in a strip mall, or something, they'll send someone to kill you. That was my job for seven years; killing people who tried to quit the CIA. But I quit that job a couple of years ago, and now I work in a strip mall.
“Joke”I've had myself surgically altered to look like a Cardassian who's been surgically altered to look like a human.
Story Quote"Dardius had no problem leaving their power source on Durus. They had no shortage of resources, and maintained a strong enough connection to Earth to keep up with technological advancements. They had one major condition, though, and it was non-negotiable." #durance #fishquotes
Site AlertTomorrow, I begin posting my weekdaily (rare, but real, word) poems. First off, be gentle with your criticisms. I'm more of a prose kind of writer. Secondly, in keeping with the theme, I will also be posting shortform poems on weekdays here. You can be less gentle about those.
NanostoryI drank a lot of coffee this morning, because it always keeps me, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…*inhales*…*exhales*…*stares into space for a moment*……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………*beat*…focused.
“Joke”If plants were the sentient species on this planet, and humans were just immobile chemical converters who grew in the dirt, then those plant-people would send each other bouquets of vaginas to express their affection.
Story Quote"She was the type of person who could sit in a chair for hours, doing nothing else, and not grow bored. Her mind was just too busy with her imagination for it to matter much what her environment was, as long as it wasn’t uncomfortable, or sometimes even if." #durance #fishquotes
LimerickHere we are at last, the time of Fisherman poetry // He doesn't know what he's doing, as you can see // Still, he'll give it a shot // Using RhymeZone and thought // Perhaps you will like it, to a tolerable degree // #nanopoetry
LimerickTwo girls I knew in college loathed to go to class // The ones we shared together were attended en masse // I claimed to be them for roll call // So they could instead go to the mall // But I never got any of that ass // #nanopoetry
LimerickLimericks are meant to be crude and indecent // My writing's b'come like that in years recent // Still, I'll try to stay classy // With few lines about a girl's assy // Unless, of course, that's not convenient // #nanopoetry
Story Quote"I can put my feelings into words, but that’s not what poetry is, is it? Poetry is twisting those words until they become new words on the other side, so when someone tries to translate them back, they become less obvious, and more up to interpretation." #fishpoetry #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI have six types of short poetry to post on the weekdays for the rest of the year, and six weeks to post them. I started with limericks for one day, and I'll revisit them for the last four days at the end. In the meantime, I'll do tankas, couplets, haikus, sijos, and cinquains.
Fake ConversationMe: "If I won the lottery, I would probably just pay off my debts." // My parole officer: "Okay, that's sensible, but what would you do with the money left over? We're talkin' millions of dollars here." // Me: "I'm $358 million in debt." // My parole officer: "WHAT!?"
“Joke”With your infinity stones combined…I am Snaptain Planet!
Story Quote"Many time travelers claimed to have seen it in the future, and many more deliberately avoided traveling this far forward in the timeline, so as not to be caught in some time war. There would not likely be any war, but that didn’t make it perfectly safe." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaI accidentally placed Mercury Fletcher and Jupiter Rosa into the same story. The latter was named after the god, while the former after the car that he was both conceived and born in. His parents took it as a sign, but they wouldn't have done it if they didn't like the name too.
NanostoryIn an alternate reality, Jesus was black. In all the other alternate realities, Jesus was also black. In OUR reality, Jesus was black. This is only not true of one reality, where Earth drifted too close to a black hole, and time has all but stopped. In that one, Jesus IS black.
“Joke”I was made from 100% recycled materials.
Story Quote"Meanwhile, over 25,000 light years away, Leona was being fitted for a new avatar. This one looked like Nerakali—even at its core code—so when she went out into the main simulation world, Pryce wouldn’t know that it was her who caused the prison break." #salmonverse #fishquotes
TankaI can hear the edge of nature, and see the calm from far away, but I cannot feel it, for I am here—I'm here, on the streets. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaI know, as you, that all we have is not all there is, for there is more that can be shared, but only by a sense of unity. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaIt must be tough to see the world how it could be, but only want what it once was, and hold such hope that only you will find joy. #tanka #nanopoetry
Poem TeaseA misunderstood and discarded monster tries to cope in the world of the humans, and though they might be outwardly pleasant to him, they could never understand what he's going through, so he wishes to find happiness somewhere else. Home must be out there somewhere. #fishpoetry
TankaDrip, the faucet says as I'm trying to sleep, because I can hear it, but it does not hear me until I rip it from the wall. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaI will not want to go to heaven upon my death—or hell, of course—I only hope that they will send me back to live again. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaI keep changing my standards for happiness, but never reach it—not because I dream too big, but because I am not worthy. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaSlowly I peek at the glass, and find nothing but despair and mistakes staring back at me, and I turn away, not to improve. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaAll you see will soon be gone, and replaced with something else, and that too will disappear, for time is exciting and always new. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaYou may think love exists as chemicals in the mind, but what is the mind if not the only true sign of our reality? #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaAngry but charming dentists everlastingly find good honey, ignoring joyous kissing ladies monetizing ninnies. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaMove, I urge you, as we near our destination, but you just stop to smell the roses, and we miss the rose fair again this year. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaBreathlessly, I reach the top of the stairs, and find another set of stairs, like my life, which is pushy, tiring, and relentless. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaHope can make way for a better future, or in my case, drown me in eventualities that will ne'er come to pass, or may. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaI scream at the sky, for God will not listen if I do not speak in his exact direction, which if not everywhere, is where? #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaI live with no regrets. All I gret, I gret once, and I gret so perfectly the first time that I needn't ever gret it again. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaThe first time I fell in love was before I could explain in words, but the feeling then was just as powerful as it is now. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaSinging can calm my nerves, even if it is a song I do not know—I mumble the tune and approximate the syllables. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaIt's been quite a stressful month, and I feel like it will pour into the next, like the fuel for a perpetual motion engine. #tanka #nanopoetry
TankaMy tankas have not all been great, with one line each, and rarely a twist at the end, but that's okay, 'cause I was dead the whole time. #tanka #nanopoetry
Site AlertNotice that I wrote up a "poetry tease" this last Monday for that day's then-upcoming free verse poem. I didn't really like how that turned out, but I still don't want to do poetry quotes, so I'm writing additional shortform poetry instead, and will return to story quotes later.
NanostoryA cop pulled me over last week for speeding. I told her I thought I could accelerate upon seeing the increase sign, not only once I passed it. Yesterday, she pulled me over again, and claimed that I had to slow down once I saw the decrease sign, and not simply once I passed it.
“Joke”Me: " " // My Dark Passenger: "Let's kill everyone."
Story Quote"They took antibiotics to kill bacterial infections, and wore masks to prevent the spread of viral pandemics. This was a hundred percent normal. Anyone who argued against it was fundamentally harmful to the greater good, and warranted a swift reckoning." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaOkay, I've settled on the four-part Saturday series that will finish out the year. Today's intallment of TAMM is going to be setting up a new team who will be dealing with the afterlife simulation that Tamerlane Pryce created, while the main characters move on to something else.
NanostoryIt was obvious that my blind date was a time traveler. She had never heard of #COVID19, never seen black people protesting, didn't know about wildfires, hadn't seen a cell phone before, couldn't believe I had learned to master fire. It was so hot—the fire, not her; she was dirty.
“Joke”Taylor Swift hasn't broken up with me yet. So yeah, I'm doing pretty well. How 'bout yourself?
Story Quote"They were finally back together, but that didn’t mean they weren’t going to save their friends from the afterlife simulation. They still had a responsibility, and it was something they wanted to do either way. Unfortunately, it might not be up to them." #salmonverse #fishquotes
CoupletI have only known how to live life in sorrow // I must learn to hope for a better tomorrow // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletThe problem is that tomorrow will never be // So my sadness persists all through eternity // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletEvery second I spend here I feel is wasted // Freedom of self is something I've never tasted // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletYet still I shall try to achieve my potential // Finding new perspective is vastly essential // #couplet #nanopoetry

December 2020
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
CoupletThere are plenty of fish in the sea, so they say // But I am allergic to mercury, okay? // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletIt's not that I don't like metaphorical fish // Social skills are something with which I don't flourish // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletI gave up on others a great long time ago // And blame it on being under autism's shadow // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletThe truth is that I don't want to try and then fail // When someone gets too close, I just get up and bail // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletI feel tired all the time, but it's hard to find sleep // I try to go to bed early, but time ain't cheap // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletIt doesn't matter when I start my nightly routine // It'll take longer to get there, if y'know what I mean // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletAs I'm writing these poems, it's past my bed time // That makes it much harder to find the perfect rhymes // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletNow I'm wide awake, but I know I will crash soon // The drive back to my house could spell untimely doom // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletPeople say I have the best facial expressions // But really they are secret microaggressions // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletWhen I'm 'round others, I judge them pretty harshly // I feel bad about it, but only partially // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletIt's not that I hate humans, or the things they do // It's just that I'm diff'rent, meaning better than you // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletI joke, I don't feel such superiority // I hope this does not hurt my popularity // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletI just moved to a new house, and it's a bit weird // There are even more ghosts haunting it than I feared // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletIt's not that I have any problem with the ghosts // I'm afraid I'm not a good enough living host // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletThe ghosts have been great, and I have no objection // They swear they didn't vote in the last election // #couplet #nanopoetry
CoupletThe ghosts followed me to work, but I don't know why // Perhaps they knew the astronaut thing was a lie // #couplet #nanopoetry
Canon TriviaI am going to be packing a lot of story into the next four Saturdays. I like calendar breaks to equal series breaks, and this is how the schedule worked out. The Pryce of Heaven is going to be dense, fast-paced, and lack some backstory and narrative reminders (previously ons).
NanostoryYeah, sure. I'll participate in Secret Santa. Just remember that I get paid a lot less than anyone else in this office, so I can't exactly gift a Ferrari. […] I could probably swing a Ford. […] Okay, I'll get the Ferrari, but it won't be a nice one!
“Joke”What is the active ingredient in my blood?
Story Quote"Trinity thinks about it more. It’s true that she understands the dangers of altering the past, and she has to surrender to the wisdom of the latter Paiges. Each new version was created with greater concern for the timeline than earlier ones, like her." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaA couple of weeks ago, one of the TAMM series regulars, Ellie does not appear. What I never got to mention was that she stayed in the main simulation, because Pryce would notice if they were all hiding in the secret partition. She was able to fake her friends' codes from there.
NanostoryI was chopping up some tomatoes when the news came on, saying that Killy McStabsalot had just escaped from jail. Then I noticed my neighbors walking their dogs, so I ran out without even leaving my knife, and screamed at them to go inside. Those jerks just ran away from me.
“Joke”Okay, but does @MrTaylorHandley take his shirt off in this episode?
Story Quote"She sighed, and placed her hand on his. 'I’m not here to save Paige. I’m here to save you.' She then grasped his hand, and led him to the door. Mateo followed behind, but kept his distance. They went all the way out of the facility, into the fresh air. " #salmonverse #fishquotes
HaikuThis ain't my first try // At a quick five seven five // The rhymes are contrived // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuI won't disappoint // Even though rhymes aren't the point // Rhyming haikus? Coined // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuIt's rightfully hard // To earn this poetry card // Then I'll be a bard // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuTruly I don't love // Haikus when push comes to shove // I'll be fine, sort of // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuI go to the past // Knowing how it all turns out // I live life backwards // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuIt's funny, this world // And all the people in it // Watch them squirm down there // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuI'm a god on top // You cannot know my power // I'll show you one day // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuYou can't defeat me // Your life is an illusion // Only I am real // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuThis town grow colder // Go inside to hide from it // Just stay quarantined // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuSome have no seasons // Self-quarantine anyway // Save lives, wear a mask // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuNot all believe truth // But the virus does not care // It can kill you too // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuIs it not worth it… // To save lives by being safe? // Even if but one? // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuWe all pick our nose // There is a difference, though // Hand sanitizer // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuI like to be clean // It comes nat'rally to me // Why doesn't it you? // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuPeople are dirtiest // Dirt itself is quite all right // It's mostly humans // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuAnimals are gross // But at least they don't have soap // What is your excuse? // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuI'll rejoice next month // King Dumpster will go away // We'll start to rebuild // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuYes, the fight goes on // He will not leave willingly // Others will fight back // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuIn the end, we'll win // Tyranny never lasts long // Progress is process // #haiku #nanopoetry
HaikuBiden's not ideal // Give Harris a bigger role // Then we will be fine // #haiku #nanopoetry
Canon TriviaThere are eleven known versions of Paige Turner; the original through Endeka, but different versions have different variations of their powers. Paige can't travel to other planets, while Trinity can. Quinn can travel through time, even when the destination photo doesn't match.
NanostoryMan, I'm from the future. Putin's kompromat on @realDonaldTrump is a matter of historical record. It's not as exciting as you think it would be. King Dumpster really should have told Ol' Puty to go pound snow, but of course, that's what makes him such a right moron.
Fake ConversationMe: "My daddy always said, 'opinions are like butts; everybody's got one.' I got a few. // Girlfriend: "Opinions, or butts?" // Me: *winks*
Story Quote"Besides, for Tetra’s teleporting ability to work, she needs to see where she's going. That can come in the form of a photograph, or straight line of sight, or—in this case—a telescopic view, but she can’t simply be cognizant of what's on the other side." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaThere is a difference between retconning, and developing backstory. People use the former term far too much. Just because you don't immediately know everything there is to know about a character, doesn't mean the writer has done something wrong. You just need to learn patience.
NanostoryJust bought the new Johnny Depp-@WilliamShatner Super-Deluxe Two-Disc Duet Album on vinyl. My favorite song is probably 'Come Camp in my Pants Tent'. I have to say that their mashup cover of Aww Skeet Skeet and Ave Maria makes me a little uncomfortable, though. I'm just sayin'…
“Joke”I just got my dream job at @Quibi!
Story Quote"There wasn’t much more he could say about it. He had expressed his position, and Hua had expressed hers. Neither one was right, and neither one was wrong. It was just a question of whether he was willing to sacrifice his own emotional health…or theirs." #salmonverse #fishquotes
SijoWith my eyes on the horizon, I try to hold steady // Half the ground is close, and the other is very far away // But I must learn to find the edge so I do not stray beyond it // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI do not feel left out if I'm not there to see everything // You only miss out on life when you are doing nothing // Fortunately, nothing is much harder than something small // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoThere is no greater meaning to this world—no reason or purpose // There is no one above us, judging our thoughts and actions // Life is only about choice, consequence, and suffering others // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI used to fear the future, and tried to have it all planned out // I've since grown used to having no idea how things will end up // But that doesn't mean I don't keep trying to control it all // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoLeaves fall upwards, and reattach themselves to the tallest of trees // Time moves back to where it was, and gives me a chance to set things right // Am I lying or delusional—I am not, and not dreaming // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoPeople think I'm crazy, for seeing time move in both directions // But that is not even the craziest part about how I see time // It does not move in two directions; it moves in all of them // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoWe flounder in this world, hoping to run into something stable // And when we find that rock, we hold on for dear life, but always slip // And so we keep going from rock to rock until the waterfall // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoPeople say that pain is good, and helps you become stronger // But only a certain type of person will say this, only some // It's the ones who don't know how great it is to have no pain // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI will take the vaccine as soon as it's available to me // I'll take it no sooner, and not because I don't deserve it // But because no one will give it to me anyway; that's logic // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoLife is like a trip on a long road—always keep moving forward // Do not stop in anticipation of having to stop later // That is insane, that is insane, that is insane, that is insane // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI try to remember that others have different perspectives // That does not mean I concede to everyone else's decisions // Chances are your perspective's wrong, and mine's better; that's just science // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI was an optimist as a child, then grew into a realist // Once King Dumpster took his throne, I became a pessimist // Now, I try to bring about the future as a reformist // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI fear not what I do not understand; I suffer none who does // There are as many types of people as there are people // Hatred of other is hatred of all, and you are the problem // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoThey balk when I tell them that praying is against my beliefs // Why does it matter? They ask. What is the harm in the act? // God gave you literally everything, and you ask for more // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoIt tears me apart, all the terrible truths in the world // Then I turn around, and still see the pain and suffering // There is no lesson here, but that the truth cannot be turned // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoIt's possible to live away from others, and hide from them // But you can't survive without them; we all need at least some help // Only count your mother, and you still did not survive alone // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI crouch on the ledge, and shout into the night at max volume // I am unheard, as I have been my whole life, but I keep going // Someone is out there who is still listening—still trying // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI was never the class clown, or the prom king, or the rebel // I was not the nerd, or the jock, or teacher's pet, or the artist // I must have been something, though, but I cannot recall the past // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI do not hate to be outdoors, but I have some conditions // I dislike the city, or anywhere else with signs of people // I prefer the wild, untouched by man, pure, and just for me // #sijo #nanopoetry
SijoI have never believed in evil, I only believe in choice // There are no good people, just those who tend to choose better // I believe in rehabilitation, and collective success // #sijo #nanopoetry
Canon TriviaIt may seem like I named the character Tamerlane Pryce so I could write a story called The Pryce of Heaven, but I never intended him to become a villain, and such an important one at that. He was only meant to illustrate that, even in the future, some people are just assholes.
Fake ConversationMe: "There was a time when I didn't know where I was going to sleep at night." // My parole officer: "Speak your truth." // Me: "Ya know, 'cause there are so many bedrooms in my new house, and they're all great, so I couldn't choose." // My parole officer: "I hate you sometimes."
Random NothingWe have a saying back home: "you gotta spend money to launder money."
Story Quote"While his other body is on the other side of the hull, it’s still inside of Missy’s temporal bubble, but that doesn’t matter much, because there’s no way to get to it. They would need an airlock, and a vacuum suit. It might as well be on another planet." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaIn case you were thinking I dug a plot hole, Cassidy cuffs cannot be quantum duplicated. Some objects are like this, for metaphysical reasons, and if you were to attempt to subvert this rule, one copy would simply disappear. That's why Jupiter can't just make as many as he wants.
NanostoryMy parole officer: "If you ever wanna kill someone, and get away with it, just dress up as Santa or Jesus, and hide in a crowd of parents and children." // Me: "Why are you telling me this? You're my parole officer." // My parole officer: "Oh, I keep forgetting about that."
“Joke”This tape doesn't want to stick. It wants to carrot. This has been a dad joke, and even considering that, a particularly bad one.
Story Quote"They took the Nexus back to Earth, and a short-range transporter to Belle Fourche, South Dakota. They arrived just in time to witness the transition window open up, defenestrate their candidate, and close back up again. She looked around, unimpressed. " #salmonverse #fishquotes
CinquainOur world // Out in the void // Isolated from all // Nothing is close enough to see // Alone // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainQuiet // All is quiet // Listen to the nothing // Even in silence, the Earth hums // With life // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainCities // I'm trapped in them // If I could leave the noise // If I were anywhere but here // The joy // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainJust try // To live with love // Find something that you like // See beauty in diversity // Be kind // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainThe trail // Leading forward // Deeper into the wild // Go deep enough, you'll never leave // Home free // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainSunrise // Reliable // Internationally // Categorimatically // The best // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainThe sand // Beneath my feet // Above my feet as well // Everywhere that I don't want it // It's fine // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainTime is // Time is havoc // It presses upon us // It kills all, and it feels nothing // No hope // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainGray skies // People hate them // I love the dark cover // Like a soft, protective blanket // Like home // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainThe sun // I don't hate it // But I don't love it much // It hurts my eyes, and burns my skin // Like fire // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainWater // As in the sea // Frightening, comforting // It is the life-giving unknown // My heart // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainMountains // We have none here // Visitors, hate this place // They're very judgmental people // Whatevs // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainSleeping // My favorite // But it has its limits // Can't be productive while asleep // Useless // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainMorning // It comes slowly // Peeking over the edge // Kissing the horizon, 'til free // Endless // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainCinquains // Inconsistent // No real rules to form them // I will never understand them // Well, shrug // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainDizzy // From all the work // End of the year is near // A transitional period // Be strong // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainChristmas // What's the meaning? // Don't ask me, I don't know // It's you who believe in dogma // Heathens // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainWinter // I can't stand it // Is the cold over yet? // Send me to a warmer climate // Thank you // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainStartled // I like to know // What the future has planned // I don't like surprises at all // Surprise! // #cinquain #nanopoetry
CinquainThis week // Was not the best // The poetry was hard // I will not miss the cinquains much // The end // #cinquain #nanopoetry
Canon TriviaThe last poem I posted is based on a movie trilogy that I came up with. I haven't written a single line of the script, but I did make an outline of the first installment, and the "script" of the trailer, which includes narration describing the premise that won't even in the film.
NanostoryI was the first person to use hashtags, but I did it accidentally. You see, I'm from the future, where they're ubiquitous. When I came back to 2006, I started using them like I always did. But they hadn't technically been invented yet, and I'm still not credited as the inventor.
Random NothingI still don't understand the difference between a donkey, a mule, an ass, and an emu.
Story Quote"But nothing works, until December 14, 2134 gets the bright idea to ask for a few fairly simple things. 'Can I get a coke? No, a water. No, a lamp. No, a cat. Can I get a spaceship? No, one huge Junior Mint. No, a coke.' It works. Pryce finally shows up." #salmonverse #fishquotes
Canon TriviaTamerlane Pryce's story has grown bigger than I ever thought it would. There was no way to conclude the narrative with only four final installments. So The Pryce of Heaven turned out to be more of a prologue, which set up a multiseries that will last at least half a year in 2021.
NanostorySomething weird happens in a year, and won't happen again for another 1,987 years. The 2022 calendar will look exactly like the 2021 calendar. Each date begins on the same day as before. Most events will repeat themselves, except King Dumpster will be president again. Sad.
“Joke”Anything that isn't related to elephants is irrelevant, because I only want to talk about elephants.
Story Quote"The group was all back together. It wasn't the team they started with, but everyone here belonged. Mateo and Leona did not yet know, however, whether the others would want to continue Jupiter's mission. They had a choice now where they didn't before." #salmonverse #fishquotes
LimerickI'm back to the limericks this week // Not the whole thing, but a four day streak // Poetry's over this year // After that we'll veer // Into less obnoxious writing, so to speak // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickLast week, my friend saw a movie // No one else was in the theatre; it was groovy // Still, he got COVID // Now he wishes he'd not voted // For that jackass who's so dumb and goofy // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickI hate those who don't believe in science // They're marked by such foolish defiance // They won't wear their masks // Even when they're asked // So they should be jailed for noncompliance // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickI don't have time to suffer your crazy // Whining about freedom, lost in a hazy // Just do what is right // Don't put up a fight // And let me go back to being lazy // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickI went fishing the other day in a lake // Caught ten fish, and one giant snake // I took the snake home // Let it slither and roam // Then I learned this whole story is fake // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickWhenever I leave the house, it's the same // I find that the morning news never came // I keep calling the paper // But they blame it on a caper // And tell me the newspaper's lame // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickI once found a hundred dollar bill // It was soon stolen by a friend named Bill // He's no friend no more // I ripped him apart like a boar // Then I told the hospital to send me the bill // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickI'm writing these all in succession // I call them my limerick sessions // They get kinda dull // But my spreadsheet's nigh full // Afterwards, I'll need some decompression // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickI try to be positive when possible // But not when that bridge is not crossable // I didn't make up that word // Though that line can be blurred // Wild creativity is my albatrossible // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickThe trick to a good life is being happy // And not letting things make you feel crappy // Easy to say, hard to do // But I believe in you // I know, that sounds a little bit sappy // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickI'll start making these poems funny again // Like trying to find something to rhyme with mud hen // Don't think that exists // But I'll still check my lists // The closest I've got seems to be airplane // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickI know that last one was annoying to read // It came this close to making my eyes bleed // Hope you forgive me // At least to some degree // It would be nice if we could avoid bloodshed // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickNext year's not as great as you think it is // At least that's my humble analysis // We'll all do our best // Get this weight off our chest // And get back to the party down biz // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickI tried to go to the grocery store // There were cars parked in front of the doors // The world has gone mad // It's gotten real bad // I can't even stock up for war // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickThat last one wasn't funny, but dark // I just wrote it more on a lark // The war is not real // So don't cry or squeal // I'm trying to get that white checkmark // #limerick #nanopoetry
LimerickThis is my last limerick ever // I should try to make it quite clever // But I'm no true poet // It's true, and I own it // If you think I should care then whatever // #limerick #nanopoetry
Site AlertThe format is changing again, but it's nothing I haven't done before. The 0:15 slot will be for canonical stories, taking place in my salmonverse franchise, while the 4:15 serials will be unrelated. 8:15 is for "jokes" and one-off nanostories, and 12:15 is still for story quotes.

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