Microstory 909: The Benefits of Sleep

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I actually don’t like sleep, and I already talked about the importance of it for my Stepwisdom series, so I’m not going to go over all that again. I’m just going to say that I have a newfound appreciation for a good night’s rest. I recently got a puppy. Her name is Daisy Quake. She’s an English Coonhound, and a little rascal. We picked her up when she was only six weeks old, which may have been a bit too young. She immediately took to her new family, and didn’t seem too upset about leaving her mother and siblings. She did have trouble sleeping, though. I was told that she would need to go out to do her business as often as every hour. This wasn’t going to be great, but I could have handled it. Unfortunately, it was a lot more complicated than that. She would cry as soon as we put her in her kennel, which was, admittedly, too large for her. Wild canines live in dens, not mansions. She needed something large enough for her to turn around, but no larger. There was no way of knowing why she was crying. She could have needed to go out, she could have already made a mess, or she could have just wanted lovies. The only thing I could do was put her in the bed with me, even though I never thought I would be that kind of person, because animals are dirty. Those first few weeks felt like hell. As much as I loved her, she was a massive handful, no more so than when I was trying to sleep. Now that she’s a few weeks older, she can usually make it through the night— far sooner than the websites predicted she would. I’m still losing sleep, though, because she’s too young and small to survive outside alone, what with the foxes and coyotes, and she sometimes drinks too much before bed. I’m also worried about her, which makes it hard to fall asleep, which is a problem any source of stress can cause. It’s good for me, nonetheless. At FedEx, I’d spend hours alone in the tower; my only hope of a bathroom break coming if I so conspicuously announced it on the radio. Just as that taught me to hold my own bladder, my dog’s inability to do so has taught me to survive on less sleep. Of course, I’ve been sleep deprived before, but not like this. This is chronic, and as unhealthy as it is, I think it’s making me a more flexible person.

Microstory 482: Floor 3 (Part 2)

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Food Service Worker 1: Food Service Worker 2, what the hell are you doing?

Food Service Worker 2: I’m doing what I always do for breakfast.

Food Service Worker 1: We can’t serve breakfast. We’re on lockdown. Didn’t you hear the announcement?

Food Service Worker 2: Of course, but that won’t last forever, and when they lift the lockdown, people will be hungry.

Food Service Worker 1: At least three people died. They’re not lifting it anytime soon. And when they do, they’re gonna send everybody home. Stop getting food out, you’ll just spoil it.

Food Service Worker 2: You don’t know they’ll send us home. We have to be prepared.

Food Service Worker 1: Part of the charm of all this tragedy is not having any responsibilities. Don’t create work for yourself, or for me.

Food Service Worker 2: That might be the absolute worst thing you’ve ever said. I’ll check the list.

Food Service Worker 1: Very funny.

Food Service Worker 2: No, really. There’s a list.

Food Service Worker 1: What are you talking about? Of all the things I’ve said that you don’t agree with?

Food Service Worker 2: No.

Food Service Worker 1: Oh, okay.

Food Service Worker 2: Of all the things you’ve said that no one in the world agrees with...except maybe white supremacists and Donald Trump.

Food Service Worker 1: Oh, don’t compare me to a man like that. Talk about saying terrible things. I can’t believe you’ve kept track of everything you hate about me. What would Food Services Manager have to say about this? Maybe I should go have a little chat with her right now.

Food Service Worker 2: Who do you think started the list?

Food Service Worker 1: Why are you telling me this?

Food Service Worker 2: I didn’t think you mind. You hate everybody anyway.

Food Service Worker 1: Well, why are you telling me just now?

Food Service Worker 2: It has just now come up.

Food Service Worker 1: I don’t hate everybody.

Food Service Worker 2: Yeah, you kinda do, and I don’t think you want to get into this.

Food Service Worker 1: Now I definitely wanna get into it.

Food Service Worker 2: All right, fine. All you talk about is how you used to work in this magical restaurant in New York City, and now you’re slummin’ it with the garbage people in a corporate cafeteria. I’ve got a little secret for ya, Food Service Worker 1; everybody likes tater tots. Not a human on this planet doesn’t like deep-fried grated potatoes. Not even your precious New York one-percent.

Food Service Worker 1: What about fruitarians?

Food Service Worker 2: And you’re contradictory. Do you think I really meant literally no one on the planet? Christ, you’re impossible.

Food Service Worker 1: I don’t have time for all this hyperbole. I’m goin’ out for a smoke; that is, unless you need me to do anything, like serve more potato grease cylinders.

Food Service Worker 2: No, but I think our soft drink contractor is bringing his puppy today. Maybe you’d like to give it a good kick? [...] Enjoy your kiss with cancer!

Microstory 213: Store Front

Every day for a year, I would pass by a strip mall on my way to work as a lifeguard. It was all very nondescript, and I never really paid attention to it. But then one day, I noticed that the name of one of the stores had changed. I couldn’t remember what it was before, but it was now Happy Pets. I thought I might play with the puppies on my way back, but ended up not having time. The next day, the storefront had changed again; this time to a place called Brilliant Treasures. That was weird, but I figured the rental agreement fell through after the sign was put up, and so it was passed to the next one in line. I looked in the window, because it was only open while I was at work, and I could see a ton of knick knacks and other random crap that no sane person would want. Then the day after that, it had changed to Silly Toys. Same thing; stocked completely full with inventory. Each day following, it was an entirely new store. Winter Bundles; Gatlin Gunns; Just Underwear, Nothing Butt. I tried stopping people on the street to ask them if they had any clue what was going on, but they either ignored me, or hadn’t noticed a change. And no matter when I tried, I could never be there during business hours. They would always adjust the hours to be closed, as if someone was trying to keep me away. After months of this, something even more unusual happened; the day’s store was called Valdemar Bristow Gas and Lighting. This was ridiculous, because no one in the world other than me could possibly have that name, and I would never have anything to do with gas or lights. As luck would have it, however, I was able to enter this time. There were several desks on the floor, arranged like a military recruitment office. Only one of them was occupied, by a woman who greeted me like she knew who I was. Without saying a word, I walked into the back and sat down in my office that was already decorated with some of my things. This is my life now. I sell lighting fixtures and natural gas, and I am somehow very good at it.

Microstory 46: Lost Dog

“I was on one of my regular walks a few weeks ago when I came across a lost dog flyer. I decided to take a picture of it in case I ran into the dog along the way. Several miles away, I thought I saw another lost dog flyer, but it wasn’t. It was a found dog flyer. I pulled up the picture I took on my phone earlier and compared. Neither picture was of great quality, so I wasn’t 100% sure, but they sounded similar enough. Then I noticed that the lost dog was reportedly last seen wearing a red collar, and the found dog was said to have been wearing a blue collar. Wanting to be certain no one was colorblind or something, I began to dial my phone. Before I could press send, a dog trotted up to me. It looked just as close to the dog or dogs from the flyers, but it was wearing a green collar, and it didn’t have a tag. Were there three missing dogs? I called both numbers, and they were both out of service. I realized that these fliers could be years old, and were just never taken down. I took the dog I had to the vet to see if it had one of those microchips, but it didn’t. I had no choice but to keep it. It wasn’t until later that I found out she was pregnant.”

“Cool story, bro. All I asked was how much for a puppy.”