Microstory 1309: Fish Feet

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Celebrity Interviewer: First of all, I am a huge fan of your work.

Seasoned Actor: Thank you very much.

Celebrity Interviewer: I mean, your performance in Severe was phenomenal; absolutely breathtaking.

Seasoned Actor: I appreciate you saying that.

Celebrity Interviewer: But that’s not why you’re here, is it?

Seasoned Actor: No.

Celebrity Interviewer: You wanna talk about your new project. It’s a pretty big departure from the kinds of things you normally do, correct?

Seasoned Actor: That’s right. It’s called Fish Feet.

Celebrity Interviewer: [Giggles]

Seasoned Actor: [Clears throat] It’s about a fish who dreams of walking on land. One day, he meets The Urchin Wizard, who grants him his wish by making him grow legs. So he goes out to explore the world with his best friend, who’s a crab. It’s delightful.

Celebrity Interviewer: That is not a word I’m seeing in the reviews.

Seasoned Actor: Well, there are millions of words, soo...

Celebrity Interviewer: A critic called it, quote, “unabashedly the worst thing I’ve ever been forced to watch in its entirety. If it weren’t my job, I would have stopped playback after ten minutes. I almost quit the paper because of this.”

Seasoned Actor: Well, that’s just one man’s opinion, from some blog site, I’m sure.

Celebrity Interviewer: It’s from the New York Times.

Seasoned Actor: Look, like you said, it’s a departure from my other work, but that doesn’t mean it’s good—I mean, not good. It doesn’t mean it’s not good.

Celebrity Interviewer: Another critique reads, “the fish’ new legs are probably about two meters in length, so he can walk alongside the humans he meets, but way too skinny. They made me really uncomfortable, and traumatized my four-year-old daughter. For some context, she laughed when that anthropomorphic peanut died. She made me turn Fish Feet off so we could watch Watership Down again. That’s why this article is a day late.”

Seasoned Actor: Okay, yes. I’ve heard these criticisms, but I’m just here to tell everybody that I loved working on this film. The director was amazing; it felt like I had known her for years. It’s supposed to be fun and silly. They made his legs ridiculous on purpose, to make kids laugh, and I think they succeeded.

Celebrity Interviewer: Apparently, there are two separate jokes about pedophilia?

Seasoned Actor: Oh my God, I’m sick of hearing about this. It’s a pun...because the fish has feet?

Celebrity Interviewer: No, no, no, yeah, we get it. That doesn’t make it okay.

Seasoned Actor: We’re done here. I thought you were going to take this seriously.

Celebrity Interviewer: I was to understand the point was that you wanted to stop having to be so serious. But I am sorry. Let’s talk about the movie. Please don’t leave.

Seasoned Actor: No, it’s done. Get this goddamn thing off my neck! We went off the record, by the way. I better not see this footage on the internet later, or your lawyers are gonna wish they had gone to medical school, where it’s less stressful.

Microstory 737: Credos, Convention Nine: Commitment, Chapter Two

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For a long time, the girl was embarrassed of her shameful jalaxian harmony bowl performance. She immediately gave it up, and fell into a depression, spending her days in self-pity and remorse. Her father decided that she needed to get out of her own way, and stay busy. If she couldn’t play the jalaxian harmony bowl, then maybe she needed to help other people play it. Though he was not known for designing the bowls himself, he was an accomplished metal worker, and knew he could figure out how to do it. He brought her on board for a new department in his small business, where they learned to make harmony bowls together. She took to the trade quite well, enjoying the tediousness and focus that metalwork forced her to adopt. She was starting to think that she should go into the family business permanently once she was finished with her general studies. Meanwhile, her infamous recital piece was uploaded to the global network so that anyone and everyone could see it, and make fun of her. Some of the comments on her video were offensive, but many were more playful. A not insignificant number of people were actually suggesting that she become a comedian. Those closest to her made their own remarks, saying that what she lacked in talent for the harmony bowl, she made up for in her stage presence, and comedic timing. When she wasn’t in school, or building harmony bowls with her father, she was practicing her comedy act at local establishments. This was becoming difficult to manage, however. She never had time to sleep. Her studies faltered, her work at the factory was subpar, and her comedy routines were rather weak. She asked her mother, “what am I to do? I cannot handle all this at once. But I must study to earn my degree, and I have an obligation to the factory, and comedy is my passion.” The mother sat down and spoke. “You are trying to do too much. You cannot divide your attention to so many things at once. If you want to be good at any one of them, you must devote all of your time to it.” “But what will happen to the other two things?” the girl asked. Her mother answered, “you will not be able to do all three. You must decide what is most important to you.” “I don’t know what that is,” the girl said, “they’re all important.” “I cannot choose for you.” So the girl made the decision on her own. She stopped working at the factory, and started concentrating most substantially on her education. She continued to work on her comedy, but only when she had extra time, for no matter what she ended up doing with her life, she would need her degree to fall back on. When she grew up, she refocused her efforts back on comedy, committing to her skill with vigor. She utilized what she learned in school to make her jokes more meaningful and thought-provoking, able to make references to history and pop culture she would not have been able to without a well-rounded education. She even incorporated a little manufacturing into her routines, building her own custom-made props to accentuate the skits. And she became one of the most famous comedians in her world.

Microstory 36: Questions or Comments

Late at night many years ago I was soaking in a bath when I noticed the label on the shampoo bottle. It had a phone number listed near the bottom for questions or comments. So I called the number. A young man named Sean answered the phone, evidently surprised to be getting a call. I got the impression that he had other things to do, and the phone usually just sat there...in case. I proceeded to tell him this fabricated story about being raised by wolves, and never having used shampoo before. I was excited to find that he knew that I was referencing a bit from stand-up comedian who was noting the irony in shampoo directions. We carried on a conversation for hours, segueing across multiple topics. We eventually discovered that we both had this unusual passion for research. We hated school, but we liked exploring and learning new things. He sounded relieved to be getting a break from the monotony of his job. Then things took a turn for him. His supervisor, who had started listening in on the call at some point, jumped in and asked me if there was anything else I needed help with. It was clear that if I wanted to talk about anything other than shampoo, I would have to look elsewhere. We hung up. The next morning, Sean called me from his home phone and admitted that he had memorized my phone number from the customer service management screen before being fired. We kept talking, and ultimately decided to go into business together. And today, we run one of the largest Question and Answer boards on the internet.