Microstory 279: Perspective Fifty-Four

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Perspective Fifty-Three

Oh my God, this guy who works at the hotel did not want to stop talking. Why do people always do that to me? Is it really just me, or do most people like talking to strangers? I went out to get a haircut the other day, and the guy sitting next to me while we were waiting made some remark about how often he has to do this. What about me says that I’m open to a conversation with someone I don’t know? I always have my headphones with me, and I was cursed with something called bitchy resting face. Basically, I always look pissed off, even when I’m not. And I promise that I’m usually not. I’m actually very easy-going; I just don’t like talking to people unless I have to. Wow, that sounds ludicrous when I say it out loud, doesn’t it? But this guy at the hotel. He’s complaining about a class they host in one of their event rooms. I don’t really care. It’s none of my business. The airline screwed up my flight, and so I’m stuck here. It’s actually awesome, because I’ve never been so free. My parents aren’t all that strict, but they are always around. I was planning to eat whatever I want, and order some porn on the TV, and perhaps get room service without eating any of it. It’s all paid for by the airline, so what do I care? But now my plans are suddenly changing, and I become grateful for how long the hotel guy was talking to me. I’m in an elevator with a pretty girl in a sexy tight yellow shirt. She’s speaking to me in what’s clearly a totally fake British accent, asking me if I’ve ever jumped in an elevator. If she were really British, she would call it a lift. I carefully consider my words as I look at her funny. Hey girl, no. Giirrrllll, definitely not that. Shit. What’s a good line that doesn’t sound like a line? I should have checked out that pickup artist class. Holy crap, how do you talk to girls! Maybe I should have gotten more practice talking to others so I wouldn’t just be standing here silent, like a freak. Maybe the guy at the hair place knew that. Maybe he was God, nudging me towards my destiny. Maybe the hotel guy is too. And I’m wasting the opportunity. What if I have the chance to hook up with this girl? What if she’s my future wife? What if she knows a celebrity? Wait, where is she going? This isn’t my floor. Nooooo!

Perspective Fifty-Five

Microstory 278: Perspective Fifty-Three

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Perspective Fifty-Two

I work at the airport hotel. It’s not the most glamorous job in the world. It’s not even the most exciting job I’ve personally ever had. But it can get interesting. All kinds of people stay here. Some of them are creepy, some are very loud and obnoxious, and some are quite pleasant. Tonight one of the guests is a teenager who has never been away from home before now. He went off to a special music camp out of state. He was supposed to go home today, but his flight was delayed so much that he would have missed his connection, and so the airline put him up with us. He’s not a little kid, so he can take care of himself, but it looks like he gets nervous, and he probably has trouble trying new things. I’m happy to help him, though, because he’s a decent person. We’re hosting a guy who I find incredibly distasteful. He runs a class for people trying to pickup women. He claims to be gender neutral, and all inclusive, but I don’t see any women in the conference room. I don’t think there are any gay people there either. I met my wife the old fashioned way; in college, through a friend of a friend. That’s how it’s supposed to be done. These kids and their phones and emojis. They don’t connect with each other anymore. Is nothing sacred? My God, I bet in a hundred years, people will all be living in a virtual world, so they never have to actually interact with each other in person. They might not have bodies anymore; they’ll just be computer programs. And it’s guys like this who are driving us towards this terrible future. I don’t know what he teaches these lonely hearts, because I don’t really want to be in there once the class has started, but it can’t be good. He’s probably just going over how to—what did my nephew call it—swipe right? Apps. Apps for everything. When I was a kid, apps were food you ate before dinner. I bet there’s an app for ordering an app in your virtual world where you build farms and blow pigs up and crush candies. I’m not sure what that last one is about, but I’m not even that old. I just know what life was like when you were expected to actually live it. Why can’t we get back to that? Let’s go back to the good ol’ days.

Perspective Fifty-Four

Microstory 277: Perspective Fifty-Two

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Perspective Fifty-One

I know what to say. And I can teach you how to say it too. I hate the term pickup artist, but that’s what people call me, so I have to allow it. Unlike other teachers, I can tailor my lessons to utilize your personal skills. That’s why I always only run small class sizes. I don’t just give you lines to memorize, and I try to steer clear of negging. For anyone here who doesn’t know what that means, it’s basically giving someone an insult that’s wrapped inside of a compliment. What this does is convince your target that they’re good enough to be noticed, but also that they could do with some work, and—what luck—you happen to be there to help them. I shy away from this because, even though it has its place, it also sort of poisons the well. People are smarter than they used to be, and they read through these tricks. The only way seduction works in today’s day and age is to be genuinely interested in your target, or rather, be able to convince them that you are. It also doesn’t hurt to have something that sets you apart from all the other schmucks in the bar, as it were. But it doesn’t have to be a bar. There are plenty of places to pick someone up. If you’re in a grocery store, I recommend putting something in your cart that you’re target is buying, as a start. Unless it’s just milk, because everyone buys milk. Grocery stores are tough, and require a lot of nuance, so if you wanna learn that, you’re going to need to attend my advanced class. The dog park is a good place because people who like puppies like other people who like puppies. But this requires a commitment. If you just borrow a pet from a friend, your target will be able to tell. If you’re gonna do it, go big. Make it a rescue, and if you’re a man looking for a woman, make it an ugly dog. Honestly, women can’t resist an outcast animal. It draws them to you, and makes you look like you’re not superficial and shallow. Now if you’re here to become a pickup artist, then you might as well leave right now. I’m not here to teach you a “game” that you can play for your amusement. The fewer number of targets you speak to, and the higher number of successes you have, the better. I don’t want you to “play the field” and objectify others. You should be looking for a connection. Now, this connection doesn’t have to be marriage; it could still be a one-night stand, but your goal should be a phone number or a shared cab with one special person; not as many as you have time for. This introduction was free, but if you want to learn my method, it’s time to pay. Who’s in?

Perspective Fifty-Three

Microstory 276: Perspective Fifty-One

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Perspective Fifty

I’ve been waiting for a call. I’ve never done that before. A couple of years ago, I tried using online dating, and it did not work out. I sent messages to dozens of girls, thinking that at least one of them would respond, because...statistics. But none of them did. I imagine that the most they did was take one look at my profile photo and then click away. My words probably never even reached their eyes. Now I’m no poet, but I also didn’t just send a stock message every time. I put a lot of thought into them. I was assertive but not aggressive, clear but open-minded. I told them I was interested in starting a conversation. I figured that was the safest route. It’s not presumptuous, but not too timid. At least, that’s what I thought. I have no clue if any of them actually read it. I guess I just assumed they didn’t. And it’s not like I was just contacting the prettiest girls on the site. I understand what league I’m in, and I stuck with that. After my initial subscription was over, I had to drop the service. It wasn’t doing me any good, because I was no good. So instead of spending money on that, I spent money on classes. What I’ve learned is that there is a class for pretty much everything. I started with a self-help seminar for how to have more confidence. I moved on to one that taught me how to figure where my true strengths lie. I took a class for grooming and making myself as presentable as possible. I walked into a class run by a pickup artist, but felt it to be unseemly, so I walked right back out after ten minutes. More recently, I’ve been learning communication skills at the community college. It’s geared towards people who are in or are interested in breaking into business, but I find it rather useful for my needs. I’ve discovered that talking to others, in any setting, for any purpose, was my major flaw. It’s helped me learn to gauge people’s reactions to my words so I can tailor the conversation to their expectations. This has made me a better person, and feel better about myself. So when I encountered a pretty girl who broke my computer, I was able to joke around with her, rather than just quietly accepting the situation and getting away as fast as possible, like I would have before. I just wish I knew what I did wrong, and why she’s not yet called me. We should have exchanged numbers so that I could call her instead. No, that would have made things awkward, because she’s obviously not into me. Story of my life. Maybe I’ll go back to that pickup artist.

Perspective Fifty-Two

Microstory 83: See The Future

“I was born with the ability to see the future. Since it was second nature, it took me a long time to realize that such a thing was not normal. Whenever someone was surprised by an occurrence—a vehicular collision, a friend tripping on the sidewalk, or a pop quiz—I would ask them why they didn’t just look into the future and prevent that from happening. They just laughed at me, or acted like I was crazy. I legitimately didn’t understand it. I see time like a road. There are events behind me, and there are events ahead of me. All I have to do is open my eyes and prepare myself for things to come. What I’ve since discovered is that this ability is shared amongst all others; but for me, to a higher degree. Every time you pass by someone else and don’t run into them, you’re measuring the future. You’re calculating your own route, and you’re predicting the route the other person is going to take, based on where they’ve been, their speed, their likely intention, etcetera. I do the same thing...just better, and more accurately. And that’s why you’re here today, right? You’ve come to this hotel ballroom to learn what I know. I can’t guarantee that measuring the future will ever be as easy for you as it is for me. But I can guarantee that you’ll get better at it, and I’ll give you the tools to train yourself further even once this seminar ends...or your money back. You in the second row, might as well come get it back now, because you’ll never be happy with my teachings.”