Folks, there’s no doubt about it, this is the biggest find in archaeological
history. I don’t know how it’s possible, but I’ve had it checked by a dozen
of my colleagues, and we all agree on the results. This box before you dates
back 16,000 years. It calls into question everything we know about
pre-literary history. It breaks the laws of physics, and quite honestly,
it’s driving me insane. I’m not here to talk about the science we used to
date this artifact. You can read our paper at your leisure. Today, I’m going
to be showing you the artwork on the box, and explaining just how impossible
it is, just in case some of you aren’t surprised by it on your own. Now, we
call this object a pointed pyxis, and the first of them rose up in Greek
culture during the eleventh century BCE, which is a full 13,000 years after
the artifact was made. That alone would be astonishing, to learn that people
were making certain styles of art so much earlier than we once believed.
That’s not the exciting part. If that was all there was, I suppose we could
have just assumed it was a coincidence. Again, still remarkable, but not too
crazy. Let me zoom in. In the first hexagon is a woolly mammoth. Nothing
weird there; they weren’t extinct back then. But if you look closer, you’ll
see that it’s not alone. There’s a human riding on top of it, and as far as
we know, people never did that. We hunted and co-existed with them, but we
did not domesticate them. Or maybe we did. In the next hexagon—and by the
way, I’m not sure what to call this shape; curved hexagons on a sort of
pointed cylinder—there is what appears to be a bird. This is not the kind of
avian you would expect to find on something from this time period, or from
any time period in human history. The pterosaur went extinct 66 million
years ago, and was never seen by man. It’s possible the artist uncovered
fossilized records, but unlikely they were intact enough for them to so
accurately depict it’s living form. That’s your first clue to time travel,
but not your last.
This appears to be an illustration of a crucifixion, which didn’t start
happening until about the 6th century BCE. This is a sea-faring vessel, of a
design which the vikings used in the tenth century CE. This writing is
Cuneiform, this is Kaqchikel, this is Cyrillic, and these are Neolithic
Chinese characters. Over here is the number pi to 12 decimal
places...converted to binary. Here’s the hex code for gunmetal gray, but we
had to figure that out, because it’s written in a language that we have
never seen before. Right next to it is a photorealistic picture of a cannon
in said color. There’s a mushroom cloud, there’s the logo for a car company,
and look at this and tell me it doesn’t look exactly like TV’s James Van Der
Beek. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Our best guess is that
this is the work of some kind of time traveler, but why would they paint all
this on a pointed pyxis? What was the purpose of the container at the time?
We’ve tested the inside as well, of course, and found absolutely no residue;
not even the paint they used on the outside. No dirt, no microbes, no
nothing. We’ve even exposed it to modern air, and while we take every
precaution to protect against contamination, at least a little always gets
in. We don’t operate inside of a vacuum. I’m presenting this to you, because
you are the brightest minds this planet has to offer. We’ve decided to
crowdsource the mystery, but we’re not ready to reveal it to the world at
large yet. If any of you can explain any aspect of this incredible fine, we
encourage you to sign up for some time to examine it. Thank you very much.
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