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Yesterday evening, I had my usual meeting with my therapist. We talked about
the storm a little, but it was mostly about the volunteer work I’ve been
doing. It was no big secret that I got an early jump on my community service
due to the traumatizing meat-eating incident the other day. She was able to
piece together that I’ve been pretty depressed about it, and I think I knew
that; I just didn’t want to think about it. I’ve been filling my days with
tons of stuff to do so that my brain doesn’t get a chance to stop and ponder
my life choices. It’s been really hard on me. I feel like I’m an addict, and I
just had a relapse. It’s super not the same thing as a real addiction, like
drugs, or sex, or even food in general. I made a decision to become a
vegetarian for several reasons, none of which was that it was harming my life,
or causing issues with others. Even so, I made a commitment to stop, and I
broke that promise to myself. It can’t be reversed. It will always mark a new
beginning, but in a bad way. The streak cannot be repaired, no matter how long
I live without ever doing it again. And that sucks. It’s gonna take a lot, and
a lot of time, for me to be able to move past it, especially since depression
always reinforces itself with dark thoughts on other things. I start to think
about every bad thing that has happened to me in my life, and all the mistakes
that I’ve made. I dwell on it, and everything negative. My therapist tried to
figure out what brings me out of my funks, but I don’t know that anything ever
really has. It just kind of stays with me. It subsides after things regress
towards the mean, but I can’t ever be happy. Happiness is a concept that I
only understand through the lens of relativity. I’ve been happier at
times than at other times, but true contentment sounds impossible, and if you
tell me that you’ve experienced it, I may not believe it. If you tell me that
you’re in the middle of experiencing it, I can’t promise that I won’t punch
you in the face, so just don’t give me that BS. Sorry, didn’t mean to become
so violent, but it’s impossible to delete my words, so I won’t. I just don’t
care for braggers. We get it, you love life, now shut up about it, and leave me
to brood in the shadows.
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