Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

Microstory 2427: Great Depression Dome

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Not everything on this planet has to be fun. Some of it should be a somber reflection of real life, and in this case, the inspiration is depressing. I don’t use that as a pun, but it’s a really good word to describe the nature of the source for the dome’s theme. The Great Depression was a period of worldwide economic turmoil that began in October of 1929, and continued on into the 1940s for some regions. It is defined by a global high of unemployment, institutional financial failure, and trade conflicts, among other things. I’m not here to give you a history lesson, though; that’s the dome’s job. This is a recreation of the conditions that a lot of people lived in during this time. There’s a swath of land representing the dust bowl, there’s a seemingly endless unemployment line, situated not too far from the soup kitchen line. They make excellent use of the entire area of the dome, exhibiting the various negative impacts of life on Earth in this time period. I’m glad that they put this dome here, because it happened 550 years ago. So many people alive today don’t even know what you’re talking about. There is so much to learn in your education that things fall through the cracks, and one of the biggest sacrifices we make is history. Science and math is always changing, and while it might be interesting to know how things used to be, it’s not vital. It’s more important to understand the present day concepts. History, on the other hand, never stops coming. Students today have more background to draw from than the students of yesterday, and the students of tomorrow will have even more. That is why it is so important to keep building places like this. People need to see how things were like in the past, especially in times before they were born. No one still alive right now was around to witness the Great Depression. The oldest in our population wasn’t even born yet, and that’s really sad. I don’t even know how many people can’t even grasp the very concept of a monetary-based economy. That’s where you have to start. You have to know what money is before you can comprehend what it meant to not have any of it. To not have everything you need just to survive as a living organism. Water, food, shelter. These are fundamental rights that we take for granted, but for most of human history, none of these things was guaranteed. The people who lived during the Depression understood that. I won’t lie to you, if you come here, you’re not going to “enjoy” it, but unless you’ve been studying this stuff in particular already, you are going to learn something. They do a really great job of framing the curriculum through the present-day lens, recognizing the shortcomings of conventional contemporary education, which again, must prioritize more “relevant” topics. I implore you to give it a try. Even though it’s not an adventure, and it may not be your cup of tea, it will be good for you. It would be good for everyone.

Monday, February 24, 2025

Microstory 2351: Earth, May 25, 2179

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Dear Corinthia,

I’m glad that you have friends, even if you’re not the absolute closest to them as you could possibly be. I envy you, actually. A bunch of people attended our party, but they were almost all my dad’s friends. I haven’t really connected with too many people here. There’s one guy who I was really glad could make it, so I wouldn’t be left alone in the corner. Dad always talks shop at these things. Every time he attends an event, he promises himself that he’s just going to socialize, and not discuss his work, but he always ends up failing. I really prefer to leave my work at work, so I stay out of the little circles that he forms with others. People really like him, because he usually has fairly interesting things to say (from their perspective) but he doesn’t hog all the attention either. He makes sure that others are heard. He’s really good at knowing when someone wants to speak, but is too afraid to interrupt, and will in fact interrupt other people to give the quieter ones their chances. I wish I could be more like him in this regard, always charming and fascinating. Then again, I don’t think I would like to have an audience all the time. The guy I was telling you about is pretty cool, but he works the night shift at the water treatment plant, so we don’t find many opportunities to hang out. Plus, he has a family that he needs to spend that extra time with. His wife was there too, and I like her, but they talked mostly about their children. I don’t mind it, but there’s nothing that I can contribute to the conversation since I don’t have any of my own. Part of my inability to connect is due to my lifestyle and experiences. I spent so much time meeting people that I would probably never see again after the end of the trip. I would occasionally see someone I knew before for a second move, but then I would leave again. My mind grew very accustomed to that, and hasn’t really felt at home here, even though I’m pretty sure that I’ll die here one day. There I go again, being all depressing. It makes it sound like I hated the party, but it’s not true. I had a lot of fun, and I’m glad that we were looking at Libra at the same time, just for the symbolism of that moment.

Trying to feel at home,

Condor

Thursday, August 29, 2024

Microstory 2224: Done With My Remains

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I’m back at the hospital. We thought that this was going to be a weekly thing, but it appears that I’m going to have to incorporate it into my daily schedule. It’s a lot of work for Kelly, so I’m giving her a raise. It’s not like I can’t afford it. I’ll be dead soon, and any money left over is going to go to charity since I have literally no next of kin on Earth. Researchers want to poke and prod me as much as they can before I kick the bucket. I have always been a supporter of science, so if I have to suffer for a few weeks to help the world better understand how prions work, then I’m gonna do it with no complaints. I do have a line, though. I’ll still be living at home. That is nonnegotiable. I recognize and appreciate the importance of this research. Nonetheless, I’m entitled to die with at least a little bit of dignity, and some approximation of comfort. Kelly and I agree to go into the facility once a day for a minimum of two hours, but a maximum of five hours. Anything beyond that is too much for me to handle. However, like I said, I’ll be dead soon, and when that happens, they can do whatever they want with my body for however long. The hospital will be in charge of however that works. But it has nothing to do with me; I don’t need anything special to be done with my remains. I know, this has all been so depressing. Maybe I’ll try to write something a bit lighter tomorrow. Maybe.

Monday, August 19, 2024

Microstory 2216: Him to Survive

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Nick is catatonic today, not in the literal sense, but in the faking sort of way. I know that he can hear me, and that he’s processing information just fine. He’s anxious about the results of the latest test, which are said to be coming by the end of the week. The diagnostics doctor doesn’t want to say beforehand what he’s thinking, or what specifically the test is for, but Nick says that he has this feeling that the answer is on its way. He believes that we will know what we’re dealing with on Friday. The anticipation is killing him faster than the disease probably could. So he’s refusing to eat or communicate, or even sleep. He just lies there, staring up at the ceiling. I’m taking care of his bodily imperatives, but there are ways for him to still handle some of that himself, so I will not continue doing it all for him for an extended period of time. It’s okay for now, but he’ll have to get back to work on his own recovery tomorrow. This is a home care program, so if that’s not enough for him to survive, then I’ll have no choice but to check him into a facility full time. I don’t think he wants that. He’s gotta meet me halfway. I think he thought that he would be a pro at this, but his reaction to all this change is perfectly normal. We will get through it. Together.

Friday, August 9, 2024

Microstory 2210: It Broke Him

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Hello, everyone. My name is Kelly Serna, and I am Nick Fisherman IV’s lifecare assistant. If you follow him on social, you’ll already know that. What you don’t know yet is that he’s having more trouble with this than he has let on. When I took over for his update this morning, I didn’t want to say anything, but after rereading some key full posts from days past, I’ve decided to maintain his spirit of honesty. Nick has reportedly always been fascinated with immortality. He’s come up with a number of different ways for the characters he creates to subvert death. He told me yesterday that it kind of got so out of hand that in one universe, it’s virtually impossible for anyone to die, which effectively lowered the stakes for the stories, forcing his other self—the one who is still a writer—to come up with major loopholes to the backup protocols. At this point, I believe that Nick would salute, and respectively repeat the words “Major Loopholes”. Anyway, the way he tells it, the ability to avoid death was his favorite superpower out of all of them, which was why he felt such relief when he managed to procure it for himself. When he realized that he lost this power, he felt hopeless and frustrated, and apparently fell back into his old habits, which he had exhibited when he was just a normal guy, before the multiverse opened up to him. And yes, to be clear, I one hundred percent believe that he comes from a different version of Earth, and that he is telling the truth about everything that would sound outlandish coming from anyone else. I’ve read every installment on his site, and we’ve been talking a lot about it lately, because I didn’t pay all too much attention when we worked together at the plant nursery. Nick had never warmed up to the idea of dying, for any reason. He had been planning to live forever since he was eight years old when his older sister made a casual comment that they didn’t know it was impossible just because it hadn’t happened before. Traveling to a world where he was no longer immortal was one thing. He could have still held out hope for science. But to come to realize that he was so sick, not even the most optimistic of longevity advances could save his life in time? It broke him. He doesn’t want to do this site anymore, but I have faith that he will want to return to it one day, and when he does, he will not want his daily streak to have been broken. I have his passwords, so I will continue to update you in his stead. And when he does come back, I’m sure he’ll have a lot to say about how I handled things. I hope not to disappoint him.

Thursday, August 8, 2024

Microstory 2209: We’re in the Endgame Now

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Might wanna skip this one if you have depression or anxiety issues, because they may be triggered by my words. The doctors have no clue what’s wrong with me, but the signs and symptoms are clear. Long before I started traveling the bulk, I watched my maternal grandfather slowly die of Parkinson’s disease. I don’t actually know if that’s what killed him, but it certainly contributed to it. I’m exhibiting a lot of the same problems that I remember him having. Stiffness, numbing, tremors. You don’t use the same term for it here, but after some conversation, the doctors were able to assure me that their idea of this same disease could be ruled out. It’s something else. That’s neither good nor bad, because it can’t be cured on either world. Neither can whatever it actually is...probably. Based on my rate of decline, and their lack of understanding, they don’t see any reason why I would improve. It’s likely going to keep getting worse until I become nothing more than a shell of my former self. Death is almost certain to follow. It will be slow, painful, and extremely frustrating. So far, the mental component hasn’t been too bad, but it has still been an issue. I’ve forgotten things, and I’ve been snapping at people, even before I went into the hospital. I’ve asked them to keep me alive at just about all costs, but at some point—probably rather soon—you won’t be hearing from me anymore. I won’t be able to think, let alone type or talk. We’re in the endgame now.

Wednesday, August 7, 2024

Microstory 2208: Steep Physical Decline

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Weird and unexpected news today. Do you remember that high school student that I worked with at the nursery? Well, after she graduated, she went straight into an intensive program to become a lifecare assistant. It’s a lot more socially acceptable on your world to forgo a college degree, instead focusing on training for more specific fields of study or work. The reason it works here is because of how careful and methodical you are with your children’s skills, and learning schedule. You see, where I’m from, every student from before first grade to when they become an adult is expected to learn pretty much all the same things. You do that too, but you don’t take it quite as far. By the time a kid is fourteen years old, you should have a pretty decent idea of where their strengths lie, and instead of forcing them to struggle and struggle through the topics that they have a harder time with, you encourage them to concentrate on what they’re probably going to do with the rest of your life. Sure, you hear a few stories here and there on my planet of someone ultimately becoming a brilliant scientist after failing chemistry class, but really, how often does that happen? Anyway, I don’t have to tell you people this, you obviously already understand. My former co-worker has now become my lifecare assistant. It wasn’t even planned that way, it’s just a coincidence. I’m her first patient since she aced the final exam. She’s going to live with me in my extra bedroom. Due to my steep physical decline, while I don’t need a whole lot of help yet, the doctors believe that it’s only a matter of time. By the end of this, she’s going to be doing pretty much everything for me, including the gross and awkward stuff that no one wants to need help with. It’s a little embarrassing, yes, but I can handle it. She’s a highly trained professional, and I still prefer to be treated by a woman. I’ve always been like that. Sexist or not, it’s the way I am. I see no reason to request a new assistant either way. Be prepared for the next installment in which things get incredibly depressing and sad.

Wednesday, July 17, 2024

Microstory 2193: Unremarkable Piece of Wood

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As I warned you, there is nothing that I can say about our hiring process right now. We’re in a precarious position, and have to keep things confidential until the next step. But my work is the only thing I’m doing right now, and I don’t have anything else to tell you. What shall we discuss instead? How about I just make up a quick story for you? It’s been a while since I’ve written fiction. I kind of started to try soon after I arrived here, but nothing came of it. Yeah, I think I’ll see if I still have the skills. Here goes.

I don’t have any trees in my yard, nor do my neighbors. They had all been removed by the time my dog and I moved in here a few years ago, so I couldn’t tell you why. I see stumps, so they were there at some point. I bought it because there’s a lot of space for her to run around, and a really nice deck. There was a tiny little porch behind our old house, and she loved to sleep there, but she deserves better. One morning, I let her out to do her business when I discovered a twig right in the center of the deck. It had to have blown in from quite a distance away. I drew meaning from it that surely wasn’t there. Still, I tossed it over the railing, and it landed on the patio. The next day, I noticed it still sitting there, so I casually threw it back up onto the deck. I kept doing that periodically ever since. I would sometimes go out, and leave it alone, but sometimes switch it from one of its landing spots to the other. Again, it wasn’t every time, but it still felt like part of my routine. It felt like it was something that I ought to do, like a little game I played with myself. A few weeks ago, I was barking at my dog, trying to get her to do her thing quickly, because I was running late for work. It was really hot, so while she can normally just stay outside, I was going to have to keep her inside, and drive home during my lunch break to let her out again. I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, and heard a crack underfoot. I froze there for a moment, certain that it couldn’t be what I thought. Perhaps it was only an acorn, or something. Of course, an acorn would be just as unusual to find here, but far less valuable, because that twig was mine. I carefully lifted my leg, and saw it sitting there. It appeared to be okay. It was still intact. I smiled, and picked it up. Yes, everything was going to be okay. I tossed it back up to the deck, and called my dog over, so we could move on with our day. She trotted up the steps, slower than I would like. She knows how impatient I get, but my girlfriend occasionally comes in through the garage, and she’s always sniffing around for her new mama, even when she’s not there. We got all the way up to the deck, and then I saw it. The twig was where I threw it, but in two pieces. It hadn’t survived my attack. I froze again, unsure what I was supposed to do now. It sounds so stupid, this unremarkable piece of wood, that I should care so deeply for it. How long would it have lasted if this hadn’t happened? I’ll never know, because I ruined it. I can’t concentrate on my work, or anything else I’ve tried to do. I think the incident just sort of forced everything I wasn’t happy about in my life to bubble to the surface. I dunno, I’m no psychologist. Life just seems so futile now. No matter how many times you’re able to toss that twig over the railing, it falls apart eventually. Everything ends. Everything dies.

Friday, May 31, 2024

Microstory 2160: Trust the Wizard

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I don’t have anything to say today. Stuff did happen, but I can’t tell you about it. I’m pretty honest with this blog, but I don’t reveal everything to you. For instance, I’ve never gotten graphic with all of my many illnesses. I don’t talk about what kind of porn I watch either. Lol, I’m kidding, I don’t watch porn, I’m celibate. Sexuality has no place in any universe. Gross, stop thinking about that, you heathens. Anyway, I’m still depressed, but I’m working on it, with my therapist, and my parole officer, and by occupying my time with work and community service. I still don’t think that I’ll ever be happy, but things have been much worse for me in the past, and are presently worse for others in the world. The point is that I have little to complain about. I still miss Cricket and Claire, but when you add it up, it hasn’t been that long. Anniversaries are significant in the bulkverse. I’m sure something good will happen exactly one year after my arrival. Oo, if this were a fictional story, we would call that foreshadowing, but this is all real, so what could I possibly know about the future? I’m not a wizard. Well, I do know some things about the future. I know that I’m going to go to jail tonight. That’s the future, maybe I am a wizard. Trust the wizard. Ugh, I need a break from this site. I’ll be back to you Monday. In the meantime, enjoy a couple of daily social media posts, and whatever else you have going on in your life besides me. I’m assuming that you have other interests, but I guess it’s possible that your entire existence revolves around me, and my life. There is a theory that only one person exists in the universe, and everyone else is just a figment of their imagination, or some kind of extension of their subconscious. I shudder to think. If that were true, every time I picked my nose in private, or watched porn, all of you have been aware of it. I guess in that case, you wouldn’t be real anyway, but it would still be weird. Stay out of my private life!

Thursday, May 30, 2024

Microstory 2159: Can’t Ever Be Happy

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Yesterday evening, I had my usual meeting with my therapist. We talked about the storm a little, but it was mostly about the volunteer work I’ve been doing. It was no big secret that I got an early jump on my community service due to the traumatizing meat-eating incident the other day. She was able to piece together that I’ve been pretty depressed about it, and I think I knew that; I just didn’t want to think about it. I’ve been filling my days with tons of stuff to do so that my brain doesn’t get a chance to stop and ponder my life choices. It’s been really hard on me. I feel like I’m an addict, and I just had a relapse. It’s super not the same thing as a real addiction, like drugs, or sex, or even food in general. I made a decision to become a vegetarian for several reasons, none of which was that it was harming my life, or causing issues with others. Even so, I made a commitment to stop, and I broke that promise to myself. It can’t be reversed. It will always mark a new beginning, but in a bad way. The streak cannot be repaired, no matter how long I live without ever doing it again. And that sucks. It’s gonna take a lot, and a lot of time, for me to be able to move past it, especially since depression always reinforces itself with dark thoughts on other things. I start to think about every bad thing that has happened to me in my life, and all the mistakes that I’ve made. I dwell on it, and everything negative. My therapist tried to figure out what brings me out of my funks, but I don’t know that anything ever really has. It just kind of stays with me. It subsides after things regress towards the mean, but I can’t ever be happy. Happiness is a concept that I only understand through the lens of relativity. I’ve been happier at times than at other times, but true contentment sounds impossible, and if you tell me that you’ve experienced it, I may not believe it. If you tell me that you’re in the middle of experiencing it, I can’t promise that I won’t punch you in the face, so just don’t give me that BS. Sorry, didn’t mean to become so violent, but it’s impossible to delete my words, so I won’t. I just don’t care for braggers. We get it, you love life, now shut up about it, and leave me to brood in the shadows.

Wednesday, May 1, 2024

Microstory 2138: Death More Than Anything

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My therapist read my story yesterday, and became concerned, so she insisted that we have our appointment in person. I wore a mask to protect her from my infection, and we stayed three meters from each other at all times. She came to my apartment, so I wouldn’t have to go out and expose my illness to a bunch of other people on the way. We scheduled it in such a way that the nurse who came by to take my blood at the end of the day was able to take hers as well. I didn’t think that they would be able to test for a pathogen that early after receiving it, but that’s why I’m not a doctor. To be honest, my therapist was a little worried about what I may do to myself. I know, I was saying a lot of dark and sad things yesterday, but I’m not suicidal. I gave up the ability to borrow infinite abilities in order to hold onto one, and it was immortality. I have no desire to die; now, or at any point in the future. If you only learn one thing about me, let it be the fact that I hate death more than anything in the worlds. That is why I hate smokers so much too, because I see them as an extension of death. Whoa, that’s dark, Self. Maybe I’ll work on that with my therapist next week. I don’t wanna talk about it anymore, though. I’ll be all right. I’ll feel better when I get back to jail in a couple days, lol.

Tuesday, April 30, 2024

Microstory 2137: A Specific Person

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I’ve been experiencing a lot of depression lately, which is understandable, and also not at all surprising. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety my whole life, and sought professional help for it on a number of occasions. It’s never really helped, and I’ve not been able to speak with my current therapist recently, because of my physical medical issues. We try to talk on the phone, but I’m absolutely terrible at that. I have trouble interpreting how other people are receiving what I’m saying in person, but it’s even worse when I can’t see them at all. Plus, in therapy, there need to be moments of quiet that can be filled with nonverbal cues, or even the lack thereof cues, so the therapist can gain insights into one’s condition by that silence. When you’re on the phone, well maybe, you actually are talking, but it’s a bad connection, or the call has been dropped entirely. I’ve had varying qualities of success when it comes to therapy, so even if I could talk to someone in the way that I need, it probably wouldn’t work anyway. I have too many character flaws that I don’t want to get rid of, because doing so might make me more like other people. Normal people eat fecal matter, murder each other, and vote against the greater good. As hard as it is for me to live with who I am, I wouldn’t wanna be much like you either, because at least I can look in the mirror and see a specific person, instead of just a facsimile of everyone else in the world. I’m not special, but I’m not typical. I know, I’m rambling, and not saying anything of any value or meaning, but that’s what happens when I’m struggling with my mental health. Like I was saying, I’ve always been depressed and anxious. It’s my resting state. I think I stopped trying to get help with it because I got so used to these feelings, and never thought they could be fixed. I’m still not sure about it. I’ll go back to therapy when I’m literally fit to go do so again, but I don’t expect any semblance of progress. If it’s happened before, it was so gradual that I didn’t notice. I don’t like things that can’t be measured, and I don’t know what happiness looks like. My guess is that it doesn’t exist beyond the abstract, like dark matter, or a man who’s eaten his own head.

Thursday, February 29, 2024

Microstory 2094: This New Life Chapter

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I’ve been missing my family. I’ve told you lies about them, like how they live in a different universe, but I’ve also told you some true things, including the fact that a lot of them are teachers, and that my parents liked to log the number of kids who came to their house for Halloween. Don’t worry, it’s not like there’s anything bad between us, but I flew the nest years ago, and I never went back. I was being rebellious, and wanted to exert my independence, and for the longest time, I felt like I couldn’t return, even just to enjoy a Sunday brunch with them, because I thought it would look like I was a failure. I still talk to them, but we’re not nearly as close as we used to be. I think I would like to change that. Things are in motion. I spoke with them on the phone earlier today, and asked if I could visit them. They insisted that they come see me here instead. They say that nothing has changed about where they live, or the way that they live, so they want to see where I am, and how I’m doing. I think that’s okay, even though things aren’t super great right now. They needed a day to get their affairs in order, but they’ll be flying in tomorrow, late morning. I’m going to rent a car to meet them at the airport. I was worried that my social worker wouldn’t like it, because I’m not really supposed to travel, but he actually encouraged it. He thought that I would need closure, or something, but I see it as a new beginning more than anything. I’ll let you know how it goes, but my next blog chapter will probably not be long, since I’ll be too busy writing this new life chapter.

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Microstory 2093: Not Depressed At All?

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I’ve been going through some stuff. I dealt with a lot when I first came to...town, and then I got sick multiple times. The last one was the roughest illness I’ve ever experienced, and I contracted staph infections four times in my adult life! Going to the hospital to get the parasite taken out of me was a huge wake up call, but the problem is I’m still proverbially bleary-eyed. I don’t know who I am anymore, or what I’m supposed to do. It’s not like working at the nursery was ever my calling, but it was pleasant, and I enjoyed it. I guess I’m not even really talking about a job specifically. I just...I don’t know who I am; that’s the best way to put it. Everyone I’ve met here has been so great to me, and so helpful. I required quite a bit of patience, and I appreciate how difficult that must have been for them. I’ve been able to save up about 1500 dollars so far, because my landlord has been buying my groceries, I don’t have to pay utilities, I don’t have a car, and I don’t have any other responsibilities. That’s not bad, but it’s not nearly enough for me to start my life over from scratch. I need to find something else, and I need to do it fast. It’s just been hard to even go for it, ya know? I’m depressed. It’s not the first time, but it’s particularly bad this time. I was hoping that I was on my way to getting over it since I was separated from the love of my life, Cricket, but now I’ve backslid. I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m down again. I’ve grown so used to it that it’s become my resting state. Joy is something that I can fathom, because there are times when I’m less depressed than other times. But not depressed at all? Is that even a thing? I’ve genuinely never been sure about that. I was a full-on adult before I realized that normal people do not wake up nauseated every morning. I just thought that everyone went through the same thing, so I didn’t usually bother telling doctors my concerns. Even when I did bring it up, they would always brush it aside like it was nothing, until one of them was all, “you have acid reflux, dude. Gravity works against you when you’re lying down.” Just knowing that made it easier to get through the day, even when I didn’t actually do anything to correct the problem. There’s no simple fix for my sadness, though, except for drastic measures. The only way I have ever figured out how to get out of a funk is to make a huge change in my life. Of course, that usually causes anxiety vomiting, but with the right over-the-counter medicine, and personal behaviors, I can alleviate those symptoms too. I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet, but sitting around and sulking is decidedly not it. Getting yet another job for which I’m barely qualified is also not the answer. Stay tuned for updates.

Thursday, January 25, 2024

Microstory 2069: There Are No Winners

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I’m feeling bad again, but it has nothing to do with my recent infections. I’m a week away from my first day on the job at the garden, and I’m getting really nervous about it. I’ve been worshiping the porcelain god, as they say. Can you imagine what a real porcelain god would be like? Of course you can’t, you gave up religion a long time ago, because it was too interesting. That’s one upside to living on this Earth, I guess. You somehow lost the curiosity gene, but at least you don’t believe in a flying spaghetti monster. I was hoping that I would be less anxious, since I’ve not encountered very many surprising people, except for those two alien believers, but my stomach has a different idea. When I’m not running from my life, like I was when Cricket, Claire, and I were hopping all over the multiverse, I’m anxious all the time. That’s me, I’m full of anxiety. Well, that and depression. I hear “brave” people in the public eye talking about how their mental health issues are things that they’ve been battling. But for me, it has always just been suffering. It’s not a fight, it’s survival. There are no winners. All I can really do—after the medication wears off, and the therapists close the door—is get through the day. Then I get five or six hours of sleep, and wake up to get through the next day. Listen to me, being all moody and broody about life. It’s not all that bad. It’s not like I can remember every bad thing that has ever happened to me, and I can’t remember many of the good things. That would be crazy, right? Ha. Right? Who could survive that?

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

The Advancement of Mateo Matic: September 12, 2398

Kivi enters the lab to find Ramses at his desk, listlessly scraping the blade of a pocket knife back and forth along the back of his hand as if trying to sharpen it. He doesn’t stop when she approaches, he’s just staring at the screensaver on his computer. Half a container of fruit is teetering on the edge. “You’re gonna hurt yourself.”
“What? How?” He doesn’t look at her. He’s following the pattern on the screen.
She uses her eyes to indicate the knife, but has to say it out loud, “the blade.”
“Oh, it’s incredibly dull. It’s just self-soothing behavior.”
“Mateo and Leona are gonna be fine. They checked in with us, they’ll be back through the portal later.”
“I know, but it’s my fault they’re there.”
“We didn’t get much information,” Kivi begins, “but it sounds like they would not have been able to get through the bubble without going on that detour first. Sounds to me like it was fate.”
“I don’t believe in fate. You can’t once you’ve been through what we have. We’ve seen the people in charge of reality. They’re just men. Some are even children.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that they’re going to be okay. They’re even bringing back Erlendr, a.k.a. your real body. You’re gonna be back to your old self.”
Ramses just nods.
“Talk to me, Ram.”
“What are we doing here? What are we trying to accomplish?”
“I dunno, what were you working on?”
“Before we found out where Mateo and Leona had gone off to? I was trying to track their location.”
“Is there anything else that needs to be done?”
“That’s my point. We’ve been so focused on getting ourselves back to the main sequence, and reuniting with temporal energy, that we haven’t asked ourselves why. Why bother? Trina was born in this reality. Then she went to another, and had a full life. She lived, she died, and by all accounts, she was happy. The Matics have gotten themselves away from the powers that be. Now that that’s all over, any mess we get ourselves into is our own fault. The harder we push, the harder time pushes back. So let’s give up. Let’s just...be. Sounds easier.”
Kivi sighs. “You can’t do that, Ramses. You have to get out of this reality.”
“Why? What does it matter?”
She sighs again, harder this time. She’s wondered whether she should say anything about this since she first came into existence, and now she may have no choice. Like he said, they were focused on escaping, maybe they would never have to know, but if he’s doubting that objective... “I am the Third Rail Kivi. I can exist in this reality, and this reality alone. I can feel the day that I die, because it is the same day that this reality collapses. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I know that it’s coming up. And I’m afraid that if you’re still here when that happens, you’ll die too.”
Only now does Ramses look away from his computer, and into Kivi’s eyes, which he studies. He’s not trying to see if she’s lying, but gauging how sure she is, in case she may be wrong about her assumptions. “Okay, then. I better get back to work.”

Monday, November 7, 2022

The Advancement of Mateo Matic: September 4, 2398

Leona thought that Mateo might need some time to get used to his new ability, which really just recreates the normal human ability of moving things around with his hands. As it turned out, it wasn’t a difficult concept for him to grasp, pun intended. Instead, he spent most of the day trying to move things with his mind. He figured that there was a non-zero chance that the range for his telekinesis was wider than Jacinto let on, or perhaps even that he was mistaken about it. No such luck. Once he had concluded his attempts, Mateo took Leona’s advice to apologize to people for how he treated them. He wasn’t the worst ever, and he certainly had his reasons to be depressed, but he could have handled it better. Everyone accepted his apology, and no one was angry.
Today is a new day, and Ramses has asked him to come down to the lab for some tests. They’ve been so preoccupied trying to help Mateo that they forgot the entire reason he had a problem was because they were trying to get the timonite to get Trina back. They need to get back to that, if it’s even possible, and if this will help at all. But first, precautions. Ramses is in the middle of testing the chain when Mateo walks in. “Are you about to turn into a werewolf?” Mateo asks.
He laughs. “Haha, no. This is for my protection. If some of the timonite leaks, this rope will pull the hazmat suit off of my body, while my body is chained to the wall. At worst, the suit disappears.”
Mateo eyes the contraption. “Are you sure that’s going to do you any good?”
“It’s the best I can do,” Ramses answers quickly. “We have no understanding of this stuff. Sure, I trust that the telekinesis god has found a way for you to live a normal life, but we still need to study the timonite, and as long as it’s on your hands, keeping it in a controlled environment is going to be tricky.” He turns around for a moment.
“I understand,” Mateo says. “You’re still using tools and gloves, correct?”
Ramses turns back around to reveal that he’s been in the process of putting on said gloves. “But of course, my dear.” He snaps it against his wrist dramatically. It tears. “Ahh, crap! That was my only glove! All is lost!”
Mateo can’t help but laugh with him, though Lord knows he tries. “You’re a card.”
“I’m glad to see you smile again. It was touch-and-go for a while there.”
Alyssa’s voice comes on the speaker. “Mateo Matic to reception, please. Mateo to reception.
“Wanna see a cool trick?” Mateo asks. “This timonite may travel the bulk, but it seems to have regular temporal energy too. Put this in your report.” He teleports away.
Mateo takes the phone headset from Alyssa. “Who is it?” he whispers.
“Guv’ment,” she replies.
He puts it on. “This is Agent Commandant Mateo Matic of the super secretive Secret Department Six Department.” He winks at Alyssa. Ramses is usually pretty good at putting him in a good mood with his own good mood.
That is not what that stands for,” Winona says. “We received a relay from the other side of the portal that apparently originates from The Fourth Quadrant KC?
“A message from whom?” he asks, showing Alyssa the blah-blah hand gesture.
It’s from the daytime president? It says that Trina is alive. Don’t try to look for her. You will see her again when you return to the main sequence.

Sunday, November 6, 2022

The Advancement of Mateo Matic: September 3, 2398

Guideliner Jacinto Lerse does not have telekinesis so much as he is telekinesis, or at least a form of it. It is so far unclear what he’s going to do for Mateo’s problem, but he and Intentioner Senona Riggur were confident that this would fix it. He wasn’t even the first person that Senona reached out to. There is evidently this whole subculture of empowered immortals who are busy doing their things across the bulk, similar to the network of choosing ones in salmonverse, but on a far grander scale. They are reportedly from the same universe, having the occasion to work together over the aeons. Based on what Leona told them, they have realized that she has actually been to their brane before, though at a much, much, much later point in its timeline than their respective origins.
Jacinto uses his abilities to carry Cheyenne back to the Olimpia, easily ignoring the protests from Zacarias’ soldiers, until the Coronel gives them new orders anyway. They spend one more night on the base, so she can recuperate without traveling. When they get back to the craft, Leona shakes hands with Zacarias, agreeing to keep the discovery of the Nexus a secret. They’re going to tell the rest of the team, but he doesn’t need to know that. Jacinto tells them that they don’t even have to bother turning the vehicle on. He lifts the entire thing into the air with his mind, opens the ceiling up, and flies them over the ocean, back to Kansas City, as if it were nothing more difficult than blowing a mote of dust away.
Once they arrive at the Lofts, their new friend parks the Olimpia in the basement garage. They take the elevator upstairs, expecting to find Mateo in their apartment, the third floor common area, or maybe Marie’s unit. Cheyenne and Bridgette stay up there while Leona takes Jacinto down to the first floor where Alyssa is operating reception. She is presently on a call, so they have to wait until she’s finished with the client. It sounds very important and promising. “You’re back.”
“We’re back,” Leona echoes.
“Was it a fruitful trip?” Alyssa asks, snickering for some reason.
“We’ll see,” Leona replies. “Do you know where he is?”
She rolls her eyes, but quickly tries to backpedal with an awkward blink when she starts to worry that the man’s wife won’t be super okay with that. “He’s on the roof.”
“Alone?”
“He’s never alone,” she assures her.
They get back on the elevator, and head all the way up. Marie is sitting in a folding chair that is holding the door to the outside open. She looks displeased and fatigued, but not angry. “What’s going on?” Leona asks.
“I’ll let him explain in his own words,” Marie answers. She slaps both of her thighs with finality, and stands up. “My shift is over.” She steps into the elevator before the doors close.
Leona leads Jacinto onto the roof where they can see Mateo several meters away. He’s sitting alone in his underwear and one of his vests, a variety bowl of citrus fruit on the table next to him, and he’s covered in juice. Before he notices that they’re even there, he picks up another lemon, and lets it explode all over the place. He glances over his shoulder as they’re giving him a berth. “Oh, hey, you’re back.”
“Looks like you went a little crazy, huh?” Leona asks in a patronizing tone.
“Well, when you can make lemon grenades, how could you not go a little mad?” He spots Jacinto. “Hey, stranger, think fast.” He grabs an orange, and tries to throw it.”
The orange stops in midair, and hangs there. Before the technicolor bulk energy can spread all around, Jacinto uses her power to recede it, and make it disappear. He then telekinetically peels the fruit, brings it up to his mouth, and bites into it. “Too sweet,” he muses.
Mateo is impressed, but not excited, because he hasn’t figured out yet that this is the reason why Jacinto is here. “Cool trick, bro.”
“Do you want to control your new gift, or do you just wanna...stew?”
Mateo grabs a lime, and throws it as high as he can before it too explodes. “I dunno, this is kind of fun.”
Jacinto gives Leona a moderately frustrated look. “I can do nothing without his consent. I’m a diplomat.”
“What exactly can you do?” Leona asks him. “Maybe that will help him agree.”
“I can give people abilities,” Jacinto begins. “And I can restrict them at will. He’ll have a special form of telekinesis called parakinesis. He’ll still have to use his hands, and he’ll only be able to exert as much force as his muscles will allow, but he won’t technically be touching anything. All I need to know is the imminent value, which is—”
“The point at which two objects are close enough to interact, I understand. How would you test that?”
Jacinto holds his palms upward. “With my hands. Stand up,” he requests.
Leona sighs when Mateo just looks at her without doing anything. “At the very least, you’re being rude by remaining seated in the presence of company. Stand up!”
Mateo stands, and looks down at Jacinto’s hands. “I don’t know what happens to the things that I touch, but I’m pretty sure it works on people.”
“Yes, I would also like to know where these objects go, so we’re going to feed two birds with one worm.” He looks between them. “You don’t have that metaphor here?”
“I thought I made it up,” Leona says.
Jacinto shrugs. “Maybe you did.” He faces Mateo. “Come on. You can’t kill me, and I can always come right back here, a second later from your perspective.”
“Okay.” Mateo decides to take a chance. He places his own hands upon Jacinto’s.
“Oh, that’s pretty close,” Jacinto notes as the technicolor energy is spreading over his body. As soon as he disappears, he opens the door from the elevator bay, and comes back to them. “All right. You are sending objects to another universe, and they all appear to be showing up intact. I thought you might want this back, though.” He hands Leona her fusion work, which was one of the first things Mateo transported. It’s good that it’s safe and sound again, out of potentially dangerous hands.
“What happens now?” Mateo asks.
“It’s done.” Jacinto shrugs again. “Pick up another fruit.”
Mateo carefully removes the last grapefruit from the bowl. Nothing happens, it just stays there in his hand. Or rather, it doesn’t. He’s technically not touching anything.
“Would he...theoretically...?”
“Be able to temporarily disable the TK, in case he needs to get rid of something? It could lead to some questionable ethical territory, but you did wish for that, didn’t you? ’Kay, high ten, bruh!” Technicolor energy spreads over him once again after Mateo slaps his hands. “Peter Parker’s uncle and all that! You have heard of Spiderman, ri—?”

Tuesday, November 1, 2022

The Advancement of Mateo Matic: August 29, 2398

Mateo can’t shower himself. He can’t feed himself, he can’t clothe himself, he can’t even open doors. He has sent a number of random items to God-knows-where in an attempt to gain control over his newfound ability, but he’s confident in his assessment that he has been blessed with suck. He’s basically King Midas, except that at least that guy was surrounded by a bunch of gold. He can touch his own skin, which is a small miracle, but if he was able to transport himself, maybe he could find out where he’s banishing everything else. It might still be the key to finding Trina.
Leona has returned from the store, where she picked up a number of stylish vests for him to wear. He’s fine with pants, as long as someone helps them on, but shirts are a no-go. A single brush against the skin from his wrist to his tips, and it’s gone. Vests are really the only type of clothing with arm holes big enough to avoid an issue. But that is nothing compared to the humiliation of needing help going to the bathroom. He really had to go while his wife was out, and Marie was the only one around who he felt comfortable enough asking. She did so without complaint or awkward tension. “Are you mad?” he asks.
“That Marie helped you with your clothes?” Leona asks.
“Yeah.”
“Did you cheat on me?”
“Of course not!”
“Then of course not, I’m not mad. What kind of person do you think I am? If you were an amputee—or your hands were mutilated—we would probably have a nurse for you, who would be doing the same things.” She carefully gets the vest around him so he can stop walking around topless.
“That’s true, it’s just...”
“It’s just that we’re family, and we’re all here to help you get through this.”
He appreciates that, but he’s having trouble expressing it. He can’t really express anything right now but frustration, anxiety, and depression. Once Leona is finished, he plops back down on the chair, and hangs his arms over the armrests. It’s not very comfortable, but it keeps his midan hands away from everything. “Thank you.”
She frowns down at him, slouched there. “You know, this could be a blessing.”
“How so?”
She steps over to the table, and picks up a package they received earlier today. “This is our new shower mirror.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
She removes the mirror from the box, and then tosses the box to him.
He instinctively reaches up to catch it, banishing it to the unknown. “Why did you just do that?” he questions.
“I’m your garbage man! I go across the land!” she sings as if that’s a song he’s meant to be familiar with.
“We don’t know where it went. We don’t know if it went to the same place as all the other stuff.”
“That’s why Ramses is in Lebanon.”
“He’s not going to find anything there.”
“We’re working on a way to get him into Russia. He’s just starting his field work closer to home. The Olimpia is almost ready to fly at optimum efficiency again.”
“He’s not going to find anything there either.”
“Mateo, that timonite sat there for upwards of millions of years without transporting anything anywhere. Otherwise, it would have destroyed the whole planet. Something has to be able to render it inert.”
“It was inert because it was sitting under immense pressure,” Mateo argues, “pressure which would vaporize my hand, if not straight up kill me. I unlocked it. I relieved that pressure. And I seriously doubt there is anything in the universe that can shield against bulk travel. There’s nothing anyone can do. Hope is a teardrop in the ocean. Once it falls, you’ll never find it again, but you may drown in the attempt.”
Leona nods. “I applaud you for your hypothesis that it remained inert due to the pressure. That’s not something the old Mateo would say.”
“Maybe Erlendr is controlling me psychically again.”
“Maybe.” She doesn’t believe that, but her own mind is somewhere else already. He’s right, they can’t recreate the pressure of the depths of an undug mine, but he’s wrong about there being no hope. There are others with the ability to travel the bulk, which means that they must have ways of controlling how that happens. They must have access to materials that react to it differently than normal baryonic matter. Maybe that’s neutrinos, maybe it’s dark matter, but whatever it is, it has to exist. There is only one place on Earth that might have it, and they weren’t planning on going there until the winter. Well, it’s in the southern hemisphere, so really, it’s more about it being summer at the destination. Hopefully it’s not just a main sequence location, because then they really might be searching for teardrops in the ocean.
“I know that look,” Mateo says. “You’ve come up with an idea.”
“I need to order a few more things,” Leona tells him with a smile. “I’ll have you throw out the boxes for me.”
“Gee, thanks.” He cracks a smile. “What do you need?”
“For one, a good winter coat. I hear Antarctica is freezing this time of year.”

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Microstory 1887: Feeling Poverty

Even though I grew up as the son of general store owners, I always felt poor. I think it mostly had to do with the fact that we couldn’t afford the time it would take to enjoy luxuries, like vacations, because someone always had to be at the store. When mom and dad both retired, I took over fulltime, and tried to put my snazzy business degree to good use. We expanded into the empty unit next door to add more shelves, but I never thought to franchise out, or do major advertising campaigns, or anything like that. I just wanted us to be a little more comfortable, and work a little less. I ended up hiring a larger staff than we ever had before, and spent less time there personally. My children weren’t interested in helping out after serving their part time sentences as middle school and high school students, and I didn’t discourage them from pursuing their respective dreams. I ran a clean business. I filed my taxes accurately and on time—or rather I paid the right person to handle it all for me—and I treated my employees fairly. I also kept my prices fairly low; not enough to dry out my profits, but enough to support my community faithfully. Back in the late 1990s, this country suffered a terrible economic depression. Inflation was at an all time high, as was unemployment. Everyone was struggling, including us. But we did okay. I didn’t have to let anyone go, I just had to raise my prices a tiny bit. For some, that tiny bit was as vast as a canyon, and for the very worst off, an untraversable one. People starved to death. My heart went out to them, but I had to protect my own family. Still, I did what I could, instituting promotions where possible, usually when a particular item was in higher than normal supply. Even then, not everyone could afford to buy what they needed to survive.

We had a couple of security cameras by then, but they weren’t exactly HD quality. There were likely a number of instances of theft that went by unnoticed. A box of cereal here, a can of soda there. It happens, and anyone who runs retail just sort of has to accept the risk. One day, during this depression, I was stocking an aisle with canned food when I noticed a misplaced item. People do this all the time when they change their minds, you’ve seen it. All I had to do was hop over to the next aisle over, and reshelve it. I incidentally did this quite quietly, and happened to catch a young woman sticking baby formula inside her stroller, right under her baby’s legs. At that moment, we locked eyes, and she froze like a stunned animal. I recognized her as a regular, and I’m pretty sure she knew that I was the owner, and not just some minimum wage worker. All of those were on the younger side of the spectrum. I didn’t know what to say as we stared at each other, so I ended up not saying anything. I cleared my throat, shelved the item in its place, and walked away. I don’t know what was going through her head, but she probably had her own internal debate about what to do. In the end, she left with what she needed, and only actually paid for a carton of milk. Years later, she returned to my store in tears. I had seen her many times since the incident, and we never spoke of it, so I’m not sure what had changed, but she wanted to apologize. She wasn’t the real mother. She was actually the sister, and their mother had died, which was why she wasn’t producing breast milk. I told her it didn’t matter. The kid needed food, the kid got food; end of story, no apology necessary. I wasn’t able to help much during the depression, but I was able to help this one person on that one day. I guess it will have to do.