Monday, April 6, 2020

Microstory 1336: Shot to Hell

Product Surveyor: Thank you all for coming in. I mean, both. Thank you both for coming. Please have a seat. No, no, these are not refreshments. You’ll get a chance to sample all of the products, but I would like to start with introductions.
Tester 1: I’m Tester 1. I came into the mall to browse. I hear they’re shutting down, so I wanted to see whether it looked like a ghost town. I don’t have much to do with my life, so I figured I would come in here and see what this was all about.
Tester 2: My name is Tester 2. I too have nothing to do, but I also have no one to talk to. My landlord shut off my internet, so now I have no outlet for my opinions. I like to go around, answering surveys, so that at least someone will listen to me.
Product Surveyor: Okay, cool. Well, my name is Product Surveyor. I’ve been working for this company for two and a half years, but I’ve been using my expertise to conduct surveys for the last twelve.
Tester 2: That’s amazing, congratulations.
Product Surveyor: Thanks. First, I would like—
Tester 1: I too would like to congratulate you on your long and wonderful career.
Product Surveyor: Well, I appreciate that. Anyway, before we move forward, I want to point out that this is not an energy drink. And for legal reasons, nor is it medicine. Our marketing team has chosen to refer to these as Daily Cleansing Shots. My first question to you is, how does that name make you feel?
Tester 2: Well, we don’t know what it is. What exactly is it meant to do?
Tester 1: I too, must know what it is before I put my name on it.
Product Surveyor: No, you’re—you’re not putting your name on it. I just need to know, when you hear the phrase Daily Cleansing Shot, what does it make you think of?
Tester 1: Needle.
Tester 2: Doctor.
Tester 1: Evil.
Tester 2: Evil?
Tester 1: Yeah, like Dr. Evil.
Tester 2: Oh, okay. Umm...pinky.
Product Surveyor: All right, it’s not a word association chain. We’re really just trying to get your initial thoughts on Daily Cleansing Shot.
Tester 1: It makes me think of a needle, I said that.
Product Surveyor: Okay, I can accept that. It makes you think of needle shots. But you have heard of drink shots, correct?
Tester 2: My father was an alcoholic, so absolutely.
Product Surveyor: Okay, so that’s important to hear too. There are some negative connotations to the word shot. I will write that down.
Tester 1: I never said his alcoholism is a bad thing.
Product Surveyor: Right. Umm, why don’t you try the first cup there?
Tester 2: Ahhhhh.
Product Surveyor: Tester 1, do you want to try it?
Tester 1: It looks like he drank the whole thing.
Product Surveyor: No, you have your own. All these little cups here are yours. They’re each just one shot. You’re supposed to drink the whole thing. Yeah, whole thing. Tip it all the way up. You almost have it.
Tester 2: Is he okay?
Product Surveyor: Tester 1? Tester 1. I’m sure it’s all gone now. You don’t have to get every molecule.
Tester 1: Ahhhhh.
Product Surveyor: Now, on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the taste of that first sample? We call it Mornin’ Orange.
Tester 1: Is it gonna make me poop?
Product Surveyor: I’m sorry?
Tester 1: Most cleanses make me poop.
Tester 2: Uh, I too, would like to know if it will make me poop. I can’t remember what underwear I’m wearing today.
Product Surveyor: Well, it’s not a laxative. It does have some fiber, which can regularize your bowels, but unless you have underlying medical conditions, you should always be able to make it to the restroom. Are bowel movements important to your daily health? Is it something you find yourself worrying about?
Tester 2: Not really. I could take it or leave it.
Product Surveyor: I’m not sure what that means. Did you two like the taste, or dislike it?
Tester 1: I love it.
Tester 2: That wasn’t one of the choices, dude. I liked the taste.
Product Surveyor: Okay. Why don’t you try the second one; the green one? While these are designed to be taken one shot each day, you get to choose when you want it, and it’s okay to have more than one, so don’t worry about that today. This one is better suited for lunchtime. We just call it...Verde.
Tester 1: Oh my God, no. Dislike, dislike!
Product Surveyor: Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that. Tester 2?
Tester 2: I already forgot what it tastes like.
Product Surveyor: So, that’s a zero from one, and a bland from the other.
Tester 1: Why are you writing this down?
Product Surveyor: This is a survey. We need to know your reactions to our products, so we can market them better.
Tester 2: I see, and then we get a cut.
Product Surveyor: This is an unpaid survey. The poster outside was very clear on that. We’re paying you with free samples of our products!
Tester 1: Well, which is it. Is it unpaid, or is it paid?
Tester 2: Yeah.
Tester 1: My brother used to be paid, but they let him go.
Tester 2: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Where did he work?
Tester 1: I don’t know, I’ve never met ‘im.
Tester 2: I have a pretty good job. It’s called life. Maybe you’ve heard of it?
Tester 1: That’s my job too. Where do you live?
Tester 2: The whole universe is my home, my man.
Tester 1: That’s beautiful.
Product Surveyor: Would you please try the blue sample? Effervescent Evening is a dinner shot. Great, thanks; it in one try. How did you like that?
Tester: I think I’m gonna go back to work.
Tester 2: Yeah, me too.
Product Surveyor: That’s wonderful. Thanks for stopping by. It was..profoundly unhelpful, and I hope you don’t find us at our next location.
Tester 1: Thanks.
Tester 2: Thanks! Hey, you wanna grab some food?
Tester 1: Nah, I just ate. It was these weird shots that you put in your mouth, instead of a needle in your butt...

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