Microstory 1907: Introduction to Conversations

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Nick Fisherman: Guess who’s back with an off-brand old bag of tricks?

Tavis Highfill: What’s that now?

Nick: I’ll be the one asking the questions!

Tavis: ...were you gonna—

Nick: That sounds like the start of a question!

Tavis: It’s you. You’re back with an old bag of tricks. What does—I mean, I wonder what bag you’re referring to.

Nick: Do you remember a few years ago when we did the Interview Transcripts microfiction series, involving all kinds of different interview types?

Tavis: Yes, I recall.

Nick: We’re doing that again, except not as interviews. These are just general conversations.

Tavis and Nick: *salute* General Conversations.

Tavis: Why do you salute with your middle finger, fourth finger, and pinky?

Nick: Because no one else does.

Tavis: Fair enough. Tell me about these conversations. Are they going to be real conversations that you’ve had with real people?

Nick: Absolutely not. I could not, and would not, betray someone’s privacy like that. Hey, wait a minute. First of all, I thought I told you that I was the one asking questions, and also, I seem to remember saying something like this last time.

Tavis: You probably did. You’re not very original or creative.

Nick: Well you’re me, so...

Tavis: So, great. A new series. It’s been a long time since we’ve done one of those.

Nick: Yes, it’s very exciting, and also very stressful. I’m worried that I don’t remember how to start a story anymore.

Tavis: I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Nick: Thanks.

Tavis: I wonder if these will take place in the same universe as the interview transcripts, or in some other specific universe, or whether you won’t think much about it while you’re writing them.

Nick: They will actually take place in a new universe.

Tavis: Does that mean it’s completely new, or you’ve just not mentioned it before?

Nick: Not tellin’.

Tavis: *laughs* Very well, then.

My Parole Officer: Hey, usually when you do a fake conversation in one of your nanofiction tweets, I’m involved. Am I going to be a part of this too?

Nick: Yes.

Tavis: Really? Wow. Okay, that’s weird. I can’t wait for tomorrow.

Microstory 1688: Unstable Universes

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Perhaps now is a good time to talk about brane stability. Not all universes are created equal. Some are naturally occurring, while c-branes are created in someone’s dreams. Most dreams last for only minutes before they end, and unless something else steps in to maintain the dreamworld, the universe that was born out of it will collapse as well. Even if the dream is strong enough to survive, that doesn’t mean it will last forever. It is only as strong as the people who are responsible for it. What does this mean? Well, if the dreamer continues to deliberately explore the new world, it can last longer. If they create something semipermanent from it, like a written story, or even a painting, that can make it last even longer. If this art reaches some kind of audience, that can make it last indefinitely. The most popular stories make for the most stable universes. They have room to expand, and become more detailed, and most importantly, interesting. They might also be able to survive on their own merits, by the force of will of their inhabitants, but this is fairly rare. I was expecting to give you another story about the universe where zombies take over the world only briefly before dying out, but like Vacuumverse, there is nothing more I can say. The events that occurred here did not follow any level of logic, and the inhabitants weren’t strong enough to hold up their story on their own. History began the moment zombies were first created, and ended centuries later when civilization was all but rebuilt. Little happened in the meantime, and nothing happened afterwards. The whole universe collapsed under its own unstable insignificance, and that’s all you need to know.

Microstory 1673: Written in a Vacuum

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I am meant to talk about Vacuumverse again, though there is nothing more that I can say. When I started this series, I didn’t think I could come up with 100 universes. The majority of them would have to be new. Well, I didn’t, I only came up with 50, and while there are multiple microfiction series set in this one, I think pretty much the whole story has been told. I could explain how some people figured out that the Earth was about to drop out of orbit around the sun, but I don’t actually know how they did that. So, why don’t I just skip this one, and leave it at that? Some stories are more interesting than others, and I don’t want to waste your time on something that is not going anywhere, and has no potential beyond what has already been said. I created Vacuumverse to fill a slot, inspired by stories I had originally intended to be neither connected to each other, nor canonical. It is barely worth the effort, which is why I’m not even going to bother finding a reasonable photo to go along with it. Tomorrow, I’ll get into a story about Hypothetiverse, which is more fun, and it will be a lot longer to compensate for this.

Microstory 1360: Talent

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Talent Agent: Miss Influencer, it’s very nice to meet you. My daughter loves your stuff—loves it.

Influencer: Well, that’s great. Send her my regards.

Talent Agent: Wonderful, wonderful. Now, it says here that you’re a social media influencer. What exactly does that mean?

Influencer: Well, companies send me samples of their products, and pay me to advertise those products on my social media profiles. I’m particularly popular on Photogander.

Talent Agent: That’s the apps that turns movies into still pictures, or sumthin’?

Influencer: Sort of. You can move the camera around an object, and it will stitch together a 3D tour-like photo of that object. Users can then turn the object around, to see what it looks like from other angles. Other photo-sharing services focus on selfies, but this is better for objects, since it’s kind of difficult to move the camera around your own body, and remain in the same position. Of course, I’m sometimes in the shot myself, which is why I have a partner take the pictures for me.

Talent Agent: And you like the products you advertise?

Influencer: Sometimes.

Talent Agent: Well, isn’t that a bit dishonest? I mean, don’t your fans—

Influencer: Gagglers. They’re called gagglers on the site. And they give you honks when they like a photo.

Talent Agent: Whatever. So when your gagglers see you’ve promoted a product, theoretically they go out and buy it. But if you don’t even believe in the product, you’re just lying.

Influencer: I never said I didn’t believe in them. I support everything I advertise. I would never promote cigarettes or vaping paraphernalia, for instance. I just don’t always love them. Sometimes there’s an alternative I prefer, but if they haven’t hired me, I don’t post it on my business account. It’s just like acting in a commercial. No one expects the actor to have any strong feelings about dish soap, but they pretend to for the role. That’s fine.

Talent Agent: Yeah, I guess I get it. So look, I can make you a star, but you gotta do what I say. We’re a special kind of agency here. We’re only lookin’ for the best, but that don’t mean everyone’s ready. If you’ve never had any experience, then we gotta make you ready. We have a class you can take. It’s four hundred dollars per session for five sessions, but I promise it’s worth it. If these follower—I’m sorry; gaggler—numbers are any indication, two thousand dollars probably won’t be a problem.

Influencer: Well, I have taken some acting classes, and I’ve participated in live appearances, where I’ve been told I have good presence.

Talent Agent: Eh, yeah, but this is a special thing. We really want you to go through the class, so we know what we got. We gotta be able to tell the casting directors you know what you’re doin’.

Influencer: Uh, give me one second. I just need to look something up.

Talent Agent: Okay, sure.

Influencer: Yeah, the internet says don’t accept help from a talent agent who asks you to take a class. Like, it specifically mentions that it’s probably a scam. It warns readers that a scammer will claim it has more to do with evaluating your skills, so they can talk you up with casting directors.

Talent Agent: Ah, you can’t believe everything you find on the internet. I mean, just look at you! You say you love dish soap, but apparently that’s just a photo.

Influencer: Right, but I don’t make false claims about what the products do. I don’t try to convince my gagglers the soap will give them superpowers, or make them more attractive. Everything I say about the product is a hundred percent true.

Talent Agent: Well, it sounds like a gray area to me. I’ll tell you what, since we already know you have fans, and they’ll be wanting to see what you do, I’ll give you half off the class? How’s that sound? Influencing ain’t acting, but I believe you on the thing about your presence. You lit up the room when you walked in. Half off is best I can do.

Influencer: Nah, I think I better go look for someone else. Even if this is a legit operation, it’s not worth the risk, and it’s not like you have a monopoly on the industry.

Talent Agent: Well, I can’t make you stay, but we make stars, so I think you’ll be happy here.

Influencer: I’m okay. Thanks for the interview, though.

Talent Agent: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, wait. Can my daughter get your autograph?

Influencer: I better not. Just get one of your stars to do it instead. I’m sure they’re all much bigger than me. Have a nice day.

Microstory 1359: Flex

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TDS Management Representative: Hello, and welcome to TDS Management. I’ll be your TDS Rep today. Go ahead and have a seat. Did you happen to bring in an updated résumé?

Single Father: I do, right here. I have many copies, in case you wanna pass them out at your coffee shop.

TDS Rep: Haha, well, we don’t have to do that. I’m sure we’ll find you something good. Um, wow. This is a busy résumé. It looks like you have quite a bit of experience. Everything from gardening to middle management.

Single Father: Do I?

TDS Rep: Yes, when I see two-pagers, it’s usually because it’s filled with high school minimum wage jobs, but you have some real stuff on here.

Single Father: Yes, I moved around a lot in my younger years. I also just kept getting really good opportunities that I couldn’t pass up. I assure you that I’ve never been fired. All of these transitions were my idea.

TDS Rep: I would assume that. The gaps you have between positions aren’t large enough to suggest you were fired, and had no choice but to look for something else. Um, according to this, you’re still in a management position at a Magnate manufacturing facility. Are you not happy there?

Single Father: Oh, no. I fully intend to keep that job. It pays well, but maybe not quite well enough. I need a little bit extra now. I just adopted an older son. He has some special needs, and I’m not sure I can afford everything on my current salary alone.

TDS Rep: I see. Well, does your employer know you’re looking for a secondary job?

Single Father: They do not.

TDS Rep: Are they going to become more flexible on your hours, or...?

Single Father: No, everything about that job will stay the same. I just need a little more.

TDS Rep: If you take on another job, will you have time to care for your son? I only ask, because you specifically mentioned his special needs.

Single Father: It’s not going to be easy; I probably won’t get much sleep, but it’s gotta be done. I was hoping you could find me something with flexible hours, so I can decide when my son doesn’t need me. The job board listings aren’t that precise or detailed. I’ve been having to contact the employers directly, and ask them if they could theoretically accommodate me. You can imagine how awkward those conversations go.

TDS Rep: I don’t have to imagine. I’ve heard those conversations before. Look, flex-time is trending right now, but that still generally involves an individual only having the one job. Even grocery stores need you there at a certain time, and for a certain number of hours. You’re not going to find anything on the job boards, and I’m not going to fare any better.

Single Father: So, there’s nothing I can do?

TDS Rep: I didn’t say that. The gig economy is also trending. You could work for a ride-sourcing service, or a third-party delivery service. There are several apps you can download that let you just complete short tasks for people, like moving a TV, or waiting in line for a highly anticipated video game. Your résumé says that you have experience in graphic design. I’m sure there’s some kind of freelancing website that lets you advertise your skills. That would let you work from home, even when your son is there with you.

Single Father: These are all really good ideas.

TDS Rep: We can work together to develop a plan. That’s not what I generally do, obviously, but I don’t see any reason not to. If I had a full plate, I would have to turn you down, but I have some time right now.

Single Father: That would be lovely. Thank you.

Microstory 1358: Inside Jobs

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Journalist: First of all, I want to apologize, on behalf of the American people, for what you went through for six years. That is a long time to be kept in chains.

Free Man: It was five and a half, and I wasn’t in chains, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Journalist: What is it like, being out? Have you found it hard to acclimate?

Free Man: It was the first day. I sat on a bus stop bench for probably two hours, just because it had been so long since I could sit outside alone. Since then, though it hasn’t been as hard as you might think, at least not in the way I assume you’re asking. Of course my life is hard now. My lawyer is currently working on getting me some compensation for my wrongful imprisonment, but until that goes through—if it does—I need to look for work. I can tell employers all I want that I was exonerated, but they still don’t hire me. It’s not any easier for me than anyone else with a record, however unfair that record is. If you’re just talking about whether the world itself is a scary or unfamiliar place, not really. I mean, it would be one thing if I went in before cell phone ubiquity, and out after it. Or if I went in now, and didn’t come out until everyone had flying cars. The world hasn’t changed so much that I can’t keep up, though.

Journalist: So, you think you’ll be all right?

Free Man: Prison gave me a lot of perspective. Everyone has asked me if I’m angry, but I became an optimist in there. Yes, I believe I’m going to be all right. I’m not saying the system isn’t broken, or that the police and court didn’t do anything wrong, but I’ll be able to move past it, now that I’m free.

Journalist: What do you have to say to your critics?

Free Man: Well, what are they saying about me?

Journalist: They’ve expressed concern—and, understand that I’m just relaying this to you; not making any judgements myself—that you’re unfit to return to society. They site reports that you committed crimes while you were in prison, and that your overturned conviction does nothing to alleviate their fears of what else you might do. Again, this is just what people have said.

Free Man: I understand where they’re coming from. I can’t say that I’m proud of some of the things I did in prison. I can say that I did those things to survive. I never killed, and I never dealt in weapons. People who say that have probably never been to jail before, and they don’t know what it’s like. If you don’t play ball, other inmates will kill you. It’s terribly unregulated, and dangerous. Even on top of my wrongful imprisonment, I did my time for those crimes that I actually committed. The prison had plenty of creative punishments for getting out of line. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to persuade people that I have no interest in doing anything wrong now that I’m back in society, except...ya know, not do anything wrong. It’s just gonna take time. This is all about time.

Journalist: I see. Now, let’s discuss the book. Can you confirm that there is a book?

Free Man: There is, and there isn’t. Let me explain.

Microstory 1357: Elevated

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High School Student: It’s very nice to meet you. My name is High School Student.

Elevator Supervisor: Nice to meet you too. I’m Elevator Supervisor. I wouldn’t normally entertain an interview from a high school student, but your brother speaks very highly of you, and thinks I should give you a chance. Just so you understand, there is a very slim chance that I’ll be able to hire you for this position, or any position. All of our work is full-time, and you’re still attending classes in high school, correct?

High School Student: I am, yes, but I’m very interested in working with you once I graduate. I only have one more year left, and then I’ll be able to commit more hours.

Elevator Supervisor: Why don’t you just focus on your studies, and wait until they’re over.

High School Student: I’m a very good student, I don’t have to try very hard, and I still get good grades. I don’t have to focus in order to pass my classes, and if this is what I want to do with my life, then I don’t see a problem with that.

Elevator Supervisor: If you’re such a good student, why don’t you go to college?

High School Student: My family can’t afford it.

Elevator Supervisor: I don’t claim to understand your family’s financial situation, but they do have loans, grants, scholarships. I went to college myself, and didn’t pay a dime until I was finished.

High School Student: I should rephrase that. My family can’t afford for me to remain outside of the workforce for the next five years. I need to get into it now.

Elevator Supervisor: Well, there are plenty of part-time jobs around here. You could work concessions at a movie theatre, or lifeguard in an indoor pool.

High School Student: That’s still a money thing. I don’t expect to be paid as much as an experienced elevator installer, but I can’t imagine starting salary is less than minimum wage.

Elevator Supervisor: Well, it’s not, but there’s a reason why there’s a difference between minimum wage part-time jobs, and full-time jobs, like this one. Those jobs require no experience, and hardly any skills. They let you make money for situations just like this, when the worker is still in school. I understand that it may not be enough, but that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to more. If everyone who needed money was always just given that money, then would money even hold meaning?

High School Student: Actually, it would, yeah. Money is only as valuable as the economy determines. Traditionally, we’ve based that value on the labor that went into generating it, but that is not the only method. Universal Basic Income studies have proved that people still contribute to society, even when they’re handed money they didn’t do anything to earn. In fact, some data even suggests people in those studies are even more willing to be productive, because they’re not so stressed out about finances.

Elevator Supervisor: Well. This isn’t a universal basic income study. We would expect you to be at work every day, complete the jobs as requested, and earn your paycheck. Like I said, we currently have no part-time positions available. I would have to make an exception, and I’m not sure that’s fair to the rest of my workers.

High School Student: Why would it not be fair? I don’t wanna be rude, but I don’t understand the logic there. The people who work full-time for you, I imagine are not wishing they could work fewer hours if it meant they would make less money. Who among them would look at me and my exception as a goal they envy? Give me less than you do them per hour, and give me fewer hours. No one is going to covet my circumstances.

Elevator Supervisor: That is a good point. I just don’t want to set a precedent, and start encouraging other people to beg us for work. A part-time elevator installer can install fewer elevators per day, which means the rest of your team will have to pick up the slack once you leave, or before you get there, depending.

High School Student: That is a valid concern, and I have no argument against it. I certainly don’t want to make it harder for others.

Elevator Supervisor: [...]

High School Student: [...]

Elevator Supervisor: Here. I’ll give you the number for my parts supplier. They’re local, so you wouldn’t have to drive far. They don’t rely on a team structure either, so your logic behind an exception could work on them. They may even have part-time positions, I don’t really know. Don’t tell them this, but if you work for them for a year, and don’t cause any problems, I’ll consider adding you to my own roster once you’re completely available for it.

High School Student: Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. You didn’t have to be so kind.

Microstory 1356: Self-Helper

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Self-Help Superfan: It is such an honor to meet you, sir. I was a huge fan of your first book, and almost scooped the moon when I found out you were soon to release a follow-up.

Self-Helper: Ah, scoop the moon. I like the reference. That was smart, starting out like that. It proves that you actually read my book, and you’re not just BSing me.

Self-Help Superfan: No, sir. I would not have asked for this interview if I hadn’t read it twice all the way through.

Self-Helper: Well, that’s great. I’m glad it’s helping you.

Self-Help Superfan: Oh, it definitely has. I’m already finding so much more success in my career than I ever thought possible, and it’s all thanks to you.

Self-Helper: No, no, no. Don’t say that. The point of my book is to find out what you can do for you. You’re already the pilot. I just cleaned your engines.

Self-Help Superfan: Haha, yes, of course. On that note, why don’t we get right into it? Your first self-help book was entitled The Astronaut in You. This next one is called The Ocean Above You. Did you mean for it to be so poetic? First we go up, then we come back down, and explore the depths?

Self-Helper: Honestly, I didn’t give it that much thought when I started out. I didn’t plan it to be like that. I suppose that goes to show how much profound truth there is to what I say. First you want to get as far from your comfort zone as possible. It’s only then that you can gain perspective, and an appreciation for where you came from. It’s also only after that when you can really get back to your roots, and explore who you are inside.

Self-Help Superfan: Excellent, excellent. So, the first chapter—and I don’t want to give anything away for my listeners—starts out with the Astronaut splashing down into the ocean to begin the second part of their journey. That wasn’t planned from the start?

Self-Helper: No, I wrote the first draft of the whole second book before I realized I could connect it to the astronaut motif in that way. I had to rewrite a lot of the rest to make it make sense, but that’s okay, because I was going to do another draft anyway. It’s important to understand—and don’t think any of my readers don’t—is that the Astronaut and the Diver are just metaphors. I don’t know what other metaphors I could have chosen, but the point is they’re just tools to help you comprehend how you can change your life for the better. That’s not the say I chose them at random. There is a reason for it, and it’s because most people reading these books are neither astronauts, nor deep sea divers. This sort of allows everyone to be on an even playing field. We can all relate to the archetypes in about the same way. Well, not all; chapter four of The Astronaut in You talks about diversity, but you get what I mean.

Self-Help Superfan: Yeah, I totally get it. There aren’t a lot of readers who can relate to the character too terribly much, because if they did, they might lose the message.

Self-Helper: That’s right. It’s about the message, and I don’t just want people reading a good story about themselves. It’s only moderately fictional to keep people interested, and to get them to read it straight through. People often try to pick and choose what parts of a self-help book will help them the quickest, and they ignore a lot of good material because of it. It’s not a piece of fiction, but it’s not an encyclopedia either. You’re meant to go from page one to the conclusion.

Self-Help Superfan: Oh, I know I certainly did. Now, a lot of self-help authors have come up with life-changing advice based on their own past experiences. But you didn’t really talk about your personal life in the first book. The second one seems to suggest writing the first one was actually an exercise in itself. You learned the hidden tricks by trying them out?

Self-Helper: That’s exactly what happened. The first one started out as a series of letters to my therapist. I was so anxious around people back then that I never got out what I really wanted to say during my sessions. She suggested that I write my questions down. She intended to answer them in-person, but we kind of became pen pals. That’s why she enjoys a collaborative credit in the book jacket.

Self-Help Superfan: That’s amazing. I want to know more about her; as much as you’re allowed to say, of course.

Self-Helper: I can say quite a bit. How long you got?

Microstory 1355: Division (Part 2)

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Magnate Representative: Thank you all for coming back in after lunch. Well, not all, I suppose. I see that Magnate Customer 5 is no longer with us. That should be okay. So, I think we have the Smart Solutions thing squared away. Of course, nothing has been decided, but you have all been such a big help to us so far. We greatly appreciate your contribution. We’re not done with you yet, though. I want to talk to you about Robotics. This part is the reason you signed nondisclosure agreements. We haven’t so much as hinted that we’re planning to jump into this field, because it won’t be officially happening for another two years, but we do want to hear some initial thoughts, because our main goal is supporting the average consumer. Plenty of robotics companies are going after disaster relief, and manufacturing, and of course, the military. We’re interested in the kind of automation that makes life easier for the individual. Does that all sound exciting?

Magnate Customers: [in unison] Yes.

Magnate Customer 6: Sort of.

Magnate Representative: All right, good enough. First off, if you were to own a personal robot assistant—let’s say that money is no object for you—what kinds of things would you want it to be able to do for you?

Magnate Customer 2: Cook me dinner.

Magnate Representative: Okay, cooking. Before we hear from anyone else, would you be more interested in a free-standing robot, or would you rather purchase a smart kitchen, where the appliances work together to build something for you.

Magnate Customer 2: I’m not sure I understand the difference.

Magnate Representative: A free-standing robot would, ignoring any dexterity limitations, be able to do anything you would. It would open the fridge door, take out the ingredients, open the containers, etcetera. A smart kitchen requires you to set some ingredients up, and then machines carry it down the line, as needed, sometimes going back and forth. The latter is less intelligent, but the technology is more readily available. As of yet, no one has built a robot that could theoretically move around the world wherever it wants, and fulfill natural-language requests.

Magnate Customer 4: I would sure rather have the proper robot. If money doesn’t matter in this scenario, why wouldn’t you?

Magnate Customer 6: I’m not certain I would like this humanoid thing in my house, wandering around, listening to everything I do.

Magnate Representative: Okay, so privacy is a concern of yours. You don’t want it to be too available. You would want it to be there when you ask for it, but out of the way when it’s not needed.

Magnate Customer 6: No, I don’t think I want a robot at all. I would much prefer the smart kitchen idea, and a smart bathroom, and a smart garage. I still want to be the one in charge, who has to make everything run. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this android who can make its own decisions, and also climb stairs. You know what I mean?

Magnate Representative: I understand. Does anyone else share his sentiment?

Magnate Customer 3: I do a little.

Magnate Customer 1: Yeah, me too, but I think I could get used to a little robot friend. This is two years from now at the earliest, right? We already have smart speakers that help us manage information. I imagine the tech will become gradually more and more—shall we say—intrusive? By the time a proper robot rolls around, it probably won’t seem like much of a leap.

Magnate Representative: Ah, that’s a good segue into my next question, which is about robot companionship. Technology will one day allow us to program robot personalities, which mimic human behavior. Would you want that, or would it freak you out too much? Would you rather the machine just do what you ask, and nothing more.

Magnate Customer 6: You all know where I stand on this matter?

Magnate Customer 5: When you say robot companion, do you mean...?

Magnate Representative: We’re not talking about sex robots. I didn’t think you came back after lunch, Magnate Customer 5.

Magnate Customer 5: I’m everywhere.

Magnate Representative: Well, again, this is a family friendly company. Let’s only talk about helpful, privacy-conscious, and platonic robot assistants and/or friends.

Microstory 1354: Division (Part 1)

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Magnate Representative: Thank you all for coming in. We have some exciting things lined up for the next few years, and we wanted to get an idea of how some of our customers feel about what we’ve done so far. A little disclaimer, we chose you lot randomly. You have not necessarily spent more money on us than others. My department, in fact, does not have access to your purchase history. All we know is that you have bought at least one Magnate product or service. We also do not have access to customer complaints, or other routes for feedback. This is an entirely separate department. If you have voiced a concern about us in the past, however, and do not feel that the issue was resolved, please feel free to repeat it here. Does everyone understand?

Magnate Customers: [in unison] Yes.

Magnate Representative: Okay, to start us off, is everyone here aware that we sell products and services in the ten categories listed on this chart?

Magnate Customer 1: What exactly does Smart Solutions mean?

Magnate Representative: That is something we are going to talk about today. We’ve been picking up on some confusion regarding what that means, and would appreciate your input. Smart Solutions is our newest and broadest division. It encompasses everything from the materianet to renewable energy, to 3-D printing, to internet based cities.

Magnate Customer 2: Materianet?

Magnate Representative: It’s also known as the tangiblenet. We’re talkin’ non-screen internet-connected devices, like a refrigerator that tells you what you’ve run out of when you’re at the store, or even just a streaming security camera. Up until 2017, all divisions in this company have involved us getting into preexisting markets. We didn’t invent furniture, or toys, or cars. Smart Solutions is all about the future. Much of what that division does is determining what that future looks like, because right now, no one really knows.

Magnate Customer 3: Hm. Since it is so broad, maybe that is the best term for it, even if it causes a little confusion.

Magnate Customer 4: Maybe you could focus on marketing each department, since people already know what 3-D printing is, and all those other things. You can still use a term for the whole division, but that doesn’t have to be very client-facing.

Magnate Representative: Okay, okay. These are actually really good ideas. We’ve always advertised from the division down, but it doesn’t have to be like that. Let me take this note here.

Magnate Customer 5: Does the toy division include adult toys?

Magnate Representative: I’m sorry?

Magnate Customer 5: The toy division? Is it just for kids?

Magnate Representative: Uh...it is, sir. We do not have an adult toy department. All our products are very family-friendly.

Magnate Customer 5: Well, I bought an axe from you guys last month. Would you call that family-friendly?

Magnate Representative: I suppose not. There’s a safety issue when it comes to some of our products, like tools and vehicles. The problem with adult toys is we wouldn’t be able to keep kids from even seeing that they exist, and they’re just not part of our business strategy.

Magnate Customer 3: Speaking of which, what’s this I hear about the toy division being shut down?

Magnate Representative: I have heard those rumors too. That comes from an unfortunately leaked email from a year ago that discusses our long-term plans. With the increasing demand for virtual entertainment, physical toys may not have a place in the future. Nothing has been decided, and won’t be for at least another five years; probably longer.

Magnate Customer 3: Well, my kid is still gonna be a kid in five years.

Magnate Representative: Again, we don’t know what we’re going to do. We’re just going to listen to the market, and give our customers what they want. If enough people are like you, we will continue to provide them with fun, wholesome entertainment, like our line of dress-up kits.

Magnate Customer 5: I thought your whole thing was knowing what the future holds. You called it Smart Solutions.

Magnate Representative: That’s true, I said that, but no amount of predicting can be a hundred percent accurate. We still have to be able to adapt to unforeseen changes. But what I’m hearing is that you want us to be a little more confident in our decisions. Is that a fair assessment?

Magnate Customer 5: I don’t really know what that means, but I guess.

Magnate Representative: Okay, we can work on that. Let’s circle back to Smart Solutions later. I would like to ask you a few questions about your feelings on musical instruments. It is our least profitable division, but as you may know, it carries sentimental value to Mr. Burke, because of his grandfather. What are your thoughts on that?

[To be continued...]

Microstory 1353: Retirement

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Celebrity Interviewer: I’m sitting here with famed method actor, Retiring Actor, and he’s here because he wants to share his thoughts on his upcoming retirement.

Retiring Actor: No, don’t spoil it, my dear, I haven’t announced the retirement yet. That’s what this interview is for.

Celebrity Interviewer: Of course, sorry. Let’s start again. [clears throat] I’m sitting here with famed method actor, Retiring Actor. I don’t know why.

Retiring Actor: [...]

Celebrity Interviewer: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just nervous. Are we still rolling? Okay, one more time. I’m here with famed method actor, Retiring Actor. I’m going to get to the bottom of what he has in store for us. Now, Retiring Actor, tell me about this upcoming project you have. Has it already begun?

Retiring Actor: We just wrapped filming last week.

Celebrity Interviewer: What is it about?

Retiring Actor: It is about a man’s journey into his own soul, combining the profound volatility of life itself, and the ethereal nature of death, as seen through a lens of both despair and industrialization.

Celebrity Interviewer: Sure. And when is it released?

Retiring Actor: It will be coming out in two years. They think they’ll need me to go back in later for reshoots, but after that, I’m done.

Celebrity Interviewer: Done, as in done with the project, or done in the industry?

Retiring Actor: Both. You see, Celebrity Interviewer, I am announcing my retirement. This will be my very last film.

Celebrity Interviewer: Oh, no, why?

Retiring Actor: Well, you see, Celebrity Interviewer, I’ve done what I set out to do. I made beautiful art. I didn’t contaminate myself with garbage, or stoop to a lower level. I only chose the very best projects, and I believe even then, there are a finite number of those any one man is possible of creating.

Celebrity Interviewer: Oh, interesting. It says here this will be your fifteenth credit. Does that sound right?

Retiring Actor: Oh, it sounds perfect. Fifteen is the absolute best number. I only create one masterpiece every three years. That gives my adoring fans enough time to really sit with the work, contemplate its meaning, and then prepare for the next one. I don’t want to overwhelm them with too much of me at once. Some people have dozens, or even over a hundred, credits and they’re barely halfway through their careers. That is not me. I suppose you could say I’m more thoughtful and discerning than that.

Celebrity Interviewer: Yes, I do not believe anyone would categorize your performances as overwhelming, so very good for you; very good indeed.

Retiring Actor: Yes.

Celebrity Interviewer: So, what will you be doing, now that you’re retired?

Retiring Actor: I won’t be doing anything. No more acting, no more appearances.

Celebrity Interviewer: Right, but a lot of retired people take up knitting, or birdwatching, or something. Are there any hobbies you never had time for before?

Retiring Actor: I don’t understand the question.

Celebrity Interviewer: Okay, well. Thanks for asking for this interview. Unless there’s anything else you would like to say to your fans.

Retiring Actor: What? Cut, cut! I did not request this interview.

Celebrity Interviewer: No, sir. Of course you didn’t. That’s my mistake.

Retiring Actor: You there! You’re going to edit that part out of the interview. I won’t have my fans thinking I can’t get an interview unless I ask for it myself.

Celebrity Interviewer: Please don’t talk to him. You talk to me.

Retiring Actor: This is an outrage.

Celebrity Interviewer: I think we have everything we need.

Retiring Actor: Are you still filming? You better not. This better not end up on the YouTunes, or you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

Celebrity Interviewer: All right, sir. Thank you very much for coming in, whosever idea it was.

Microstory 1352: Recruited

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Supposed Agent: Ah, we are almost done here, and you’ll be ready to start working for us. This is to make sure you’re worthy of security clearance.

Agency Recruit: Where are we?

Supposed Agent: This is where you’ll be working most of the time. There may be occasions where you’ll be needed in the field, but that requires a lot of further training, so we’re going to keep you behind a desk for now.

Agency Recruit: That’s fine with me, I’m just a math professor. This...feels off, though.

Supposed Agent: How so?

Agency Recruit: This has felt off the whole time. The point of the CIA and NSA is that there is some way to verify that you’re working for a legitimate organization. You can go to a giant building in Langley, and be processed through security. This is just a mostly empty office building. How do I know this isn’t some version of SD-6?

Supposed Agent: I don’t know what that is.

Agency Recruit: It’s a fictional agency from a TV show. Most of the agents thought they were working for the government, but it was all a lie. They were criminals. How am I meant to know if this is even real?

Supposed Agent: I assure you that this is a legitimate organization.

Agency Recruit: But how would I know?

Supposed Agent: Ha, who’s asking the questions here?

Agency Recruit: I am. Is the CIA aware of your existence?

Supposed Agent: They are. We work with them in certain situations.

Agency Recruit: So, there’s a way to verify you through them?

Supposed Agent: I’m not sure how that would work.

Agency Recruit: So you just expect me to trust you?

Supposed Agent: You will be getting a badge. You will be given government credentials, and a government-issued service weapon. Just look at this place. We have a secret entrance through the mail boxes, and everything. Well, I know you haven’t seen everything, but would anyone have the resources to fake this?

Agency Recruit: Fake it like for a scam? Well, yeah, maybe, but that’s not the concern. You could be a mercenary company, or a terrorist cell, or a competing agency operating on foreign soil.

Supposed Agent: This is why we need you, Agency Recruit. You don’t accept everything you see. You question everything. You will be a huge asset to us, and your country.

Agency Recruit: Someone should know about you. Someone at the CIA or FBI can find out whether this is real or not. Before I even think about trying to pass your clearance test, you’re gonna have to pass mine. The knowledge I have cannot be given away to just anyone.

Supposed Agent: I can’t let you do that. You already know where our base of operations is. We cannot let that information out of here. You can either keep walking up to the second floor, or go down to the basement.

Microstory 1351: Overqualified

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Cemetery Services Supervisor: Good afternoon, sir. Can I help you find someone? We have a new system that can locate any grave for you, but it’s up in the main office.

Overqualified Executive: No, I’m here for an interview for the Cemetery Services Specialist job. I haven’t heard back, so I figured I would be proactive, and just swing by. I hope that’s okay.

Cemetery Supervisor: I thought that was a joke.

Executive: I’m sorry?

Cemetery Supervisor: I figured you sent in your résumé because you lost some bet you made with your fellow billionaires, or something.

Executive: Uh, no bet. And I’m not a billionaire.

Cemetery Supervisor: You’re rich, though, ain’t ya?

Executive: I’m rich, yes, but I’m completely serious about this position.

Cemetery Supervisor: I don’t think I have to tell you that you are profoundly overqualified for this job.

Executive: I understand that, but believe it or not, I’ve wanted to be a cemetery worker since I was a kid. Being around nature, working with my hands, making sure people have a safe and peaceful place to go to visit their loved ones. I’ve always felt that sounded so rewarding. Of course, my parents would have none of it. They had a lot of ambition for my life, and before I knew it, I was the executive of a multi-million dollar company. I was never really happy, though, and when I looked at my accounts a couple months ago, I realized I had no reason to stay. I gave that place twenty years, and nearly all of it was in the top position, so I have more than enough money to live off of for the rest of my life. All that job did was stress me out, so now it’s time to pursue my dream.

Cemetery Supervisor: This isn’t easy work. I hardly believe it was ever your dream.

Executive: I know it’s not easy, but I hear it’s not stressful, as long as you can handle watching other people’s heartbreak, which I think I can. I’m very empathetic, and I’m sick of taking my work home with me. I want to come in every day, help people through the hardest times in their lives in my own way, then go home.

Cemetery Supervisor: You don’t think you may be taking a job away from someone who really needs it; whose rich father didn’t make them go to college and such?

Executive: ...I’ll work for free. You can set up a volunteer program.

Cemetery Supervisor: Well, that’s this whole legal thing we would have to figure out. The boss would be the only one on hand who would have any clue how to maneuver something like that, if anyone. Right now, I can already see a problem, though. You’re still taking a job from someone, because if we have you to do the work, regardless of what we pay you—or do not pay you—we still wouldn’t need to hire anyone else.

Executive: I understand. I don’t want to make anyone’s life harder; that’s counterproductive to my goals. I’m sorry to have wasted your time.

Cemetery Supervisor: Now, hold on. Just because we can’t help you, doesn’t mean you can’t realize your goals. Are you still workin’ at the corporation?

Executive: I gave them two month’s notice. Jobs like that require a little more time to find a replacement. My tasks are being completed by others, though. I haven’t gone into the office in over a week.

Cemetery Supervisor: If you’re really serious about making a change in your life, then do it. Use your money to make a difference, instead of ignoring it. People will always die, and they will always want to be remembered. There’s more than enough room in the industry for you to start your own funeral home. That way, you can do however much of the day-to-day work you want.

Executive: Hm. That’s not a bad idea.

Cemetery Supervisor: Glad I could help. In the meantime, I suppose I could let you shadow me for a day. I’m sure that won’t cause us any legal problems, and it’ll get you some real experience.

Executive: I sure appreciate it.

Cemetery Supervisor: Well, go on; pick up that shovel. We’re gonna plant a nice shade tree right here. I already started the hole for ya.

Microstory 1350: Advice

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College Student: Thank you for meeting me. My name is College Student, and I’m interested in your program.

College Advisor: All right. Well, how many film classes have you already taken?

College Student: I took a screenwriting class, does that count?

College Advisor: That could count towards credit. You’re a junior, though?

College Student: Yes.

College Advisor: Well, let me take a look at your transcript.

College Student: Sure, here it is.

College Advisor: [...] Okay, so you have all of your core classes, so you’re well on track. It looks like you are a writing major now, is that correct?

College Student: Yes, I thought I liked it, and I do, but I’m having doubts about leaving school with that as my degree. I mean, I don’t feel like I wasted my time with all those courses, but when I’m applying for work, is that what I want them to see?

College Advisor: Well, what kind of work are you looking to apply for? This ain’t California.

College Student: I plan to move to California.

College Advisor: Well, Hollywood job hunting is a lot different than regular jobs. What did you want to actually do in the industry? Write?

College Student: Yes, I would still write, but I feel like I’ve gotten too much experience in other areas, like literature, and creative writing. I just want to look as good as I possibly can. So the classes will help. It’s just the major that I’m worried about. I’m really hoping to graduate in a year and a half, since I already have a place to live in L.A. lined up.

College Advisor: Okay, well Film Studies is not a blow-off program. It requires a minimum of sixty credit hours. Of course, that’s on top of the general education requirements, which it seems you already have. I don’t know them all by heart, so it’s possible you’re still missing one or two of those. Let’s do a little bit of math, and see if we can get this done in a year and a half. You would definitely need to take summer classes, and either way, your workload would be huge.

College Student: Okay, cool.

[transcript cut for relevance]

College Advisor: Okay, thanks, bye. [Hangs up phone.] Yeah, it looks like that history class doesn’t count for us, so with that included, you’ll need to take eighteen hours for three semesters, and three summer classes. We got lucky on those ones; they’re not offered every summer. And this is all assuming we can get you into a couple different classes this semester. I would have rather you asked me about this a few weeks ago. No matter what, we’re talking about a huge workload, and you can’t fail a single one. It’s technically feasible, but it leaves one major question.

College Student: Am I willing to commit to this change?

College Advisor: That’s right. Are you? You could graduate this coming summer with your current major, and all you would need to do is take one summer class.

College Student: That certainly sounds like the most rational choice. What would you do? I don’t know your personal history, but if you wanted to make it big in Hollywood, does all this matter?

College Advisor: Honestly, no. The degree, that is, doesn’t matter. The classes definitely do. It would still be tremendously helpful to your education to learn some of this stuff. When you go to Hollywood—and I’m not going to be one of those people who tells you that you probably won’t make it; your family can do that—they don’t care what your major was, or even if you have a degree. What I recommend you do is hold off on graduation, and take as many of these classes as you can, within reason. I wouldn’t bog yourself down with them; we can go over the most helpful ones. That way, you can stick to your current major, and be fine. How does that sound?

College Student: That’s not a bad idea. I suppose the education is more important than the diploma.

College Advisor: I would agree with that. Now, let’s talk about which classes someone in your position should take, and when.

Microstory 1349: Citizenship

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Father Garcia: He’s coming here now. He skipped the Martins, just like he did the Wilsons. He was at the Washington’s, though.

Mother Garcia: That doesn’t mean anything, dear. Perhaps they filled out the Census online. That’s how it’s done these days. He has a satchel, he could be legit.

Father Garcia: How do you know he’s from the Census? He’s not wearing a uniform, or anything.

Mother Garcia: It’s hot, he’s probably allowed to wear whatever he wants.

Census Taker: Good afternoon, folks. My name is Census Taker, and I’m conducting census surveys for the 2020 census.

Father Garcia: Uhuh.

Census Taker: Are you, by any chance, Father Garcia?

Father Garcia: Maybe.

Mother Garcia: Don’t be rude. Yes, he is, and I’m Mother Garcia.

Census Taker: What are your ages?

Mother Garcia: I’m fifty-four, and my husband is thirty-eight.

Census Taker: Oh, that’s...

Father Garcia: That’s what?

Census Taker: Never mind. How many children do you have?

Father Garcia: We took the 2010 census. You should already know that we have more than zero, if you really are who you say you are.

Census Taker: We’ve been trained not to ask any leading questions. If I could just get a number, that would be great.

Father Garcia: Three; all over ten.

Census Taker: Great. And how many people are living in your household total, including yourselves?

Mother Garcia: Five.

Census Taker: Do you rent, or own, this property?

Father Garcia: We own it.

Census Taker: What are the genders of your children?

Father Garcia: What does that matter?

Census Taker: I don’t decide which questions go on the survey, sir. I’m just doing my job.

Mother Garcia: It’s okay. One boy, one girl, and one nonbinary.

Census Taker: Umm, what was your third child’s sex at birth.

Mother Garcia: I’m not answering that.

Census Taker: All right, fine. Their ages, in the same order, please.

Mother Garcia: Fifteen, seventeen, and twelve.

Census Taker: Are you of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?

Father Garcia: Yes, all of those things.

Census Taker: Okay...

Father Garcia: Are we almost done here?

Census Taker: Almost, sir. How long have you lived in this country?

Father Garcia: We already gave you our ages.

Census Taker: That’s not what I asked.

Mother Garcia: Don’t get mad.

Father Garcia: Don’t get mad? Don’t get mad! I am mad. I need to see some official identification.

Census Taker: Sure, here ya go.

Father Garcia: No, don’t just flash it in my face. Hold still, so I can actually look at it.

Census Taker: Are you a legal citizen of the United States of America?

Mother Garcia: Get out, get off of our property right now!

Father Garcia: We read the news; you’re not allowed to ask us that question. Who are you? What the hell are you doing here?

Fake Census Taker: You come over to our country—I don’t give a crap if you’re second generation, or dreamers, of whatever—you come over here, and you take our jobs, and you live off of welfare and social security, which we pay into, and you don’t contribute anything!

Mother Garcia: Hey, idiot. Undocumented citizens with jobs do pay social security. The government takes it out of their paycheck every period. But since they don’t have real social security numbers, they don’t get any payments out when they come of age. So actually, undocumented people contribute more than you do!

Fake Census Taker: You need to get out of my country!

Father Garcia: I’m calling the police.

Fake Census Taker: Build the wall! Build the wall!

Father Garcia: [slams door]

Fake Census Taker: (Build the wall.)

Microstory 1348: Flush With Cash

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Department Manager: So, how’s the job hunt going?

Trust Fund Kid: It’s absolutely dreadful. No one wants to hire someone with no experience in the workforce. I sometimes tell them why, and that never goes over well.

Department Manager: Oh yeah? None at all? Why’s that? Can I be one of the people you tell?

Trust Fund Kid: I don’t know that I should care anymore. I mean, if no one’s gonna hire me anyway, then I might as well be honest, right? I’m what one might call a trust fund kid. My maternal great grandfather was the real estate king in this area, so we come from old money. My paternal grandfather was a jingle writer, and you know those people can make bank if they book the right gig. Then my biological dad was a professional athlete, got killed in a train derailment, and left me his fortune, I guess to make up for not being in my life much. Well, anyway, my mother never cared if I had a job or not, so I never learned any work ethic. Furthermore, I invested in burcoin early on a lark, and made millions of dollars. Then—get this—I win the lottery. At that point, I’m just like, someone is watching over me from above, and they really shouldn’t be.

Department Manager: Why did you play the lottery?

Trust Fund Kid: Okay, here’s the story. I was nearing a million social media followers when I got this idea to give them each a reward. I bought a lottery ticket for every single one of them, and hired a team of temps to mail them out to my fans tout suite. One of the temps took it upon herself to go the extra mile, and program a special scanning software that would create a database of every ticket, and its numbers. So, if any of my people won, we would know it. Well, about four thousand people never responded, or refused to give me their address—which is understandable—so I still had some of the tickets, and one of them was the lucky winner. I tried to give all the money to those temps, particularly the one who built that scanning software, but now she’s my fiancée, so what’s left is kind of mine again.

Department Manager: You have led a very auspicious life.

Trust Fund Kid: Right? Well, I’m trying to make up for it by getting a job, but no one thinks I deserve it. I can’t really blame them for that, and I realize my situation is not as dire as it is for others.

Department Manager: Why don’t you just give the money to charity? Getting a job is still really only gonna help you.

Trust Fund Kid: Oh, most of the money is gone. I do donate it to various charities, but that’s just money; not my time. I want to give my time now.

Department Manager: Hm.

Trust Fund Kid: So, am I hired?

Department Manager: We haven’t even talked about what the job would entail.

Trust Fund Kid: I don’t have any experience, but I do have a lot of education.

Department Manager: Yes, this résumé is just your entire school history. You have an MBA from Hillside University?

Trust Fund Kid: Yeah, I don’t know why. I don’t run a business.

Department Manager: Maybe you should.

Trust Fund Kid: Maybe I should run a business? Which one?

Department Manager: You could start one.

Trust Fund Kid: What would my hypothetical company do?

Department Manager: Just take a look at this list. It itemizes everything you’ve learned since you graduated from high school. You studied computers a little. You could run a tech firm, and hire a bunch of people who are more knowledgeable than you. You could open a gym, because you took all these sports classes. Again, you don’t have to be the smartest in your industry. You just need to find people who can do it for you. You already have capital, so all you need is people. And those people need a place to work. Talk about winning. When the virus hit, so many employers had to let their employees go, because they didn’t budget in catastrophe. They just gave their executives huge bonuses, and wasted money on things we shouldn’t be using anymore, like paper. You could do better.

Trust Fund Kid: Hm.

Department Manager: Yeah.

Trust Fund Kid: What do you do for this company again?

Department Manager: This is the Washroom Department for the Appliance Division.

Trust Fund Kid: Great, let’s do that. Are you in?

Microstory 1347: Ivy Creep

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Ivy Candidate: Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity, sir. I’m very eager to learn from the absolute best of the best.

Ivy Gatekeeper: Well, that’s nice to hear, but you haven’t gotten in yet. I have been looking over your application, and it’s...

Ivy Candidate: What?

Ivy Gatekeeper: It’s not bad. It’s not particularly interesting. I mean, nothing in your essay really stands out. We get a lot of applicants—more and more each year—and there’s a reason for that. Well, there are many reasons. First, the human population is growing. Second, loans are increasingly easy to obtain, giving many students a false sense of security when it comes to paying for school. Third, people are just smarter. As a species, we’re smarter than we were before, and with the advent of the internet, knowledge is more accessible than ever. Suddenly, you don’t have to be born a genius, or come from the best grade school district. It’s leveled a lot of the playing field. Unfortunately, this means that, if you end up with a four-point-oh GPA, you’re not special anymore. Nonetheless, we have to have standards of some kind. We have to have some way of filtering people out. Otherwise, all we could go on is who happened to click the submit button the fastest.

Ivy Candidate: I understand. Is there anything I can do to stand out, or is my fate inevitable?

Ivy Gatekeeper: [...] There would have to be something you tell me in this interview that you didn’t mention before. You would need to give me some reason to advocate for you. Is there anything about your life that you think makes you unique, even if it’s only unique when coupled with something you’ve already told us?

Ivy Candidate: Hm. I guess not really. I know you want me to fight for this, but I don’t have a sappy story. I wasn’t raised by a single mother with a single leg. I didn’t pull my neighbor out of a burning building. I’ve been privileged, and can’t say I had to overcome adversity. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked my ass off. I sacrificed a lot of things so I could study, and participate in extracurriculars, but I see your point that there are plenty of people who have done the same thing.

Ivy Gatekeeper: You’re from Hillside, Kansas, right? I hear HillU is a pretty good school. Did you apply there?

Ivy Candidate: I have a few safety schools, but not Hillside. I want to move away from home, so I’m not tempted to rely on my family. The point of college is to prepare for a self-driven life.

Ivy Gatekeeper: I would agree with that. I actually know someone who used to work at Hillside University. He’s here now; teaches philosophy.

Ivy Candidate: I think I know who you’re talking about. Professor Ivy Creep, right?

Ivy Gatekeeper: Yes, you know him?

Ivy Candidate: He’s my uncle. But, ya know, when I say uncle, I mean...

Ivy Gatekeeper: He’s a family friend, not actually a parent’s sibling.

Ivy Candidate: Exactly. We haven’t spoken in a long time. How is he doing?

Ivy Gatekeeper: Oh, he’s...good, I think. He’s enjoying his new job.

Ivy Candidate: Oh, good. I’m happy for him.

Ivy Gatekeeper: Yeah.

Ivy Candidate: Yeah.

Ivy Gatekeeper: [...]

Ivy Candidate: [...]

Ivy Gatekeeper: So, he’s an asshole, right?

Ivy Candidate: Right!? Oh my God,  I’m glad you said something.

Ivy Gatekeeper: He acts like he runs this place.

Ivy Candidate: He’s always been that way. He talks down to people, and when he’s not the smartest person in the room, he literally ignores the person who is.

Ivy Gatekeeper: Yeah, I’ve noticed that.

Ivy Candidate: Yeah.

Ivy Gatekeeper: So, look. Anyone who has survived Professor Ivy Creep deserves a shot at a real life. If that’s not overcoming adversity, I don’t know what is. I’ll put in a good word for you, okay? I can’t make any guarantees, but I won’t let your application be the only thing that defines your college career.

Ivy Candidate: Oh, wow, thank you. That’s so amazing. You want me to be interesting, I promise to go crazy in college.

Microstory 1346: Consumer Protection

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Library-Goer: Hi, I was wondering if you could help me? I’m looking for a book, but I can’t seem to find a computer to search for it, and I have no idea how to use a card catalog.

Library Assistant: Oh yes, we are very old school here. You don’t need the catalog, though. I can help you find anything you’re looking for. Why don’t you have a seat?

Library-Goer: Do I really need to sit? I just need a book.

Library Assistant: Ah, yes, but which book? Do you know the name of it?

Library-Goer: No.

Library Assistant: Then we shall have to do an interview. In order for you to tell me what information you’re looking for, you first need to know precisely what that is. You can’t tell me unless you understand it yourself. I assure you that, by the end of this interview, I will know the exact book you need; maybe two books. I won’t need to give you any more options than that.

Library-Goer: Can’t I check out more than one book anyway?

Library Assistant: Oh, of course. You can check out fifty, if your heart desires! You won’t need to, though; not as long as we find the perfect one. I’m very professional, and I know every single title in this section. I only don’t know fiction; that’s Ted’s job.

Library-Goer: Okay, let’s do this.

Library Assistant: What are you interested in?

Library-Goer: I wouldn’t say that I’m interested, but I need to learn about the law. I’m having some legal issues, but I can’t afford an attorney. I guess you’re right in that I don’t know where to begin.

Library Assistant: Law is in 340, under social sciences.

Library-Goer: Okay.

Library Assistant: Without giving me too much personal information, what kind of law are you looking for? You don’t just want to start with the first textbook they read in law school; most of it would be a waste of time.

Library-Goer: I bought, umm...a product...from a company. I don’t know if they committed a crime, but they need to answer for what they did to me.

Library Assistant: All right. So we’re talking private law. It’ll be in civil court, if you take it that far, but when we’re talking about a library book, that’s in 346.

Library-Goer: Yeah, I don’t want to tell you what it is, but let’s just say I’m on painkillers now. It physically hurt me, so I did what everyone does, which is complain to the seller. They made me jump through all these hoops. They wanted me to take a picture of the product right next to the receipt. Well, it was online, so there’s no receipt, so I printed out my confirmation, and they’re like, ‘that’s not good enough’. I dealt with this for a week, and they won’t even give me a refund, let alone pay for my medical bills. I looked it up online, and I’ve not heard anyone else having these problems, but that doesn’t mean there’s no potential for a class action lawsuit. It could mean that no one wants to say anything, because it’s kind of taboo.

Library Assistant: Ah, okay. So, what you’re looking for is information about consumer protection. Follow me to the 300s. This was an online purchase, so you’ll want a book that’s pretty new. We have stuff from the mid-twentieth century that won’t do you any good. Aaaaaand here. This will help you. It’ll at least help you get started. Maybe, since you can’t afford a lawyer, you can learn some legalese to help you...encourage the company to do the right thing.

Library-Goer: Wow, this...this looks like what I need. Thank you so much.

Library Assistant: No problem. Let me know if you need anything else.