Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Microstory 1353: Retirement

Celebrity Interviewer: I’m sitting here with famed method actor, Retiring Actor, and he’s here because he wants to share his thoughts on his upcoming retirement.
Retiring Actor: No, don’t spoil it, my dear, I haven’t announced the retirement yet. That’s what this interview is for.
Celebrity Interviewer: Of course, sorry. Let’s start again. [clears throat] I’m sitting here with famed method actor, Retiring Actor. I don’t know why.
Retiring Actor: [...]
Celebrity Interviewer: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just nervous. Are we still rolling? Okay, one more time. I’m here with famed method actor, Retiring Actor. I’m going to get to the bottom of what he has in store for us. Now, Retiring Actor, tell me about this upcoming project you have. Has it already begun?
Retiring Actor: We just wrapped filming last week.
Celebrity Interviewer: What is it about?
Retiring Actor: It is about a man’s journey into his own soul, combining the profound volatility of life itself, and the ethereal nature of death, as seen through a lens of both despair and industrialization.
Celebrity Interviewer: Sure. And when is it released?
Retiring Actor: It will be coming out in two years. They think they’ll need me to go back in later for reshoots, but after that, I’m done.
Celebrity Interviewer: Done, as in done with the project, or done in the industry?
Retiring Actor: Both. You see, Celebrity Interviewer, I am announcing my retirement. This will be my very last film.
Celebrity Interviewer: Oh, no, why?
Retiring Actor: Well, you see, celebrity interviewer, I’ve done what I set out to do. I made beautiful art. I didn’t contaminate myself with garbage, or stoop to a lower level. I only chose the very best projects, and I believe even then, there are a finite number of those any one man is possible of creating.
Celebrity Interviewer: Oh, interesting. It says here this will be your fifteenth credit. Does that sound right?
Retiring Actor: Oh, it sounds perfect. Fifteen is the absolute best number. I only create one masterpiece every three years. That gives my adoring fans enough time to really sit with the work, contemplate its meaning, and then prepare for the next one. I don’t want to overwhelm them with too much of me at once. Some people have dozens, or even over a hundred, credits and they’re barely halfway through their careers. That is not me. I suppose you could say I’m more thoughtful and discerning than that.
Celebrity Interviewer: Yes, I do not believe anyone would categorize your performances as overwhelming, so very good for you; very good indeed.
Retiring Actor: Yes.
Celebrity Interviewer: So, what will you be doing, now that you’re retired?
Retiring Actor: I won’t be doing anything. No more acting, no more appearances.
Celebrity Interviewer: Right, but a lot of retired people take up knitting, or birdwatching, or something. Are there any hobbies you never had time for before?
Retiring Actor: I don’t understand the question.
Celebrity Interviewer: Okay, well. Thanks for asking for this interview. Unless there’s anything else you would like to say to your fans.
Retiring Actor: What? Cut, cut! I did not request this interview.
Celebrity Interviewer: No, sir. Of course you didn’t. That’s my mistake.
Retiring Actor: You there! You’re going to edit that part out of the interview. I won’t have my fans thinking I can’t get an interview unless I ask for it myself.
Celebrity Interviewer: Please don’t talk to him. You talk to me.
Retiring Actor: This is an outrage.
Celebrity Interviewer: I think we have everything we need.
Retiring Actor: Are you still filming? You better not. This better not end up on the YouTunes, or you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
Celebrity Interviewer: All right, sir. Thank you very much for coming in, whosever idea it was.

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