Dear City Council,
I have a pet giraffe. Well, I’m pretty sure it’s a cousin to the giraffe,
but it just looks like a baby giraffe. It’s even smaller than a dwarf
giraffe—closer to the size of a large dog—and as far as I know, it’s the
only one of its kind. I don’t know where she came from. She just wandered
into my backyard one day and started drinking out of the birdbath. I thought
about contacting the authorities about her, but I grew too attached in only
the few short hours since we met. She seemed to grow attached to me too. She
kept following me around the yard. I tried to look up what kind of leaves
giraffes eat, but the internet listed all these trees I had never heard of,
and they didn’t appear to be native to North America. She took a liking to
bamboo leaves, so that’s what I’ve been feeding her all this time. I have a
little naturally grown ceilingless hut up against the fence. All I did was
plant bamboo in the shape of four walls, and it gives me this private little
area where I can go to enjoy nature. I have an outdoor television in there,
and a minifridge for snacks and water. I even buried the extension cord
inside some PVC pipe to protect it from damage. It’s a pretty sweet setup,
and I spend most of my time there, especially since the pandemic allowed me
to work from home. It wasn’t originally designed to accommodate a tiny
giraffe, so I cut down some of the bamboo, and planted more to make it
bigger. This is where Giorgia sleeps. I bought a smartspeaker so she can
listen to sounds of the jungle all night long, and she loves it. She loves
me, and I love her.
The neighborhood kids like to come over and play with her, but she has a
tough time with crowds, so I limit visits with a schedule so it doesn’t
stress her out. Most people are overjoyed to see her, but not everyone is
happy that I have a mini giraffe. Five blocks down—which no one in their
right mind would call part of the same neighborhood—lives a middle-aged
grump who stopped working when he started to receive disability checks,
along with a settlement he won in civil court. He has nothing better to do
with his time than complain about his neighbors. If the people on his street
don’t have each blade of grass cut to an untenable range of length, he puts
up a stink. I’m sure you have all noticed how annoying he is. I was able to
keep Giorgia off of his radar for a good long while, but he’s recently
learned of her, and now he can’t let go. Animal control came by last week to
investigate, and a few days later, a decision was made to remove the animal
from my property, and lock her up in a cold and heartless cage. I always
knew it was illegal to keep a wild animal at my house, but I don’t think she
qualifies. She’s gentle, trained, and not doing anyone any harm. I beg you
to return Giorgia to me. The city had no right to take her from her loving
home. There must be better things that you can be doing with your time than
harassing a law-abiding citizen, and traumatizing an innocent creature.
Attached is a petition to #BringGiorgiaHome, signed by over 300 of my
closest friends, who all believe that she is better off with me than in some
laboratory.
Thank you,
Sir Niall Muller Jr.
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