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We’ve done it! We’ve figured it out. After years of grueling research and
testing, we have created the ultimate medication. The most difficult part of
the process was determining its efficacy on just about every disease out
there. This required a ton of samples, and a ton of test subjects. People
aren’t aware of this, because our subjects, and their respective medical
professionals, each signed an ironclad non-disclosure agreement. This means
that Mr. Tipton technically cured even more people than their numbers
appear. Here’s what we could have done, and it would have been easier. We
could have focused our research on curing one disease at a time, and waited
only for approval for that one disease. Then we could have done it for the
next. “The FDA today announced its approval for the P-1 drug to be used for
testicular cancer. Patients eagerly await the next announcement after this”
or some crap like that. It took us five years to finish this out, because we
wanted approval for everything all at once. They’ve done studies in
psychology, and determined that it’s far easier to wait for something when
you’re in a group of others waiting for the same thing. The greatest
extension of this is if everyone in the entire world is in the same boat
with you. If you keep seeing people get their cure while you’re still
waiting, you’re gonna be miserable, and we don’t want that. It would
probably worsen your condition overall, as mental wellness has an effect on
physical health. Plus, the logistics are easier.
We can package the drug as a true panacea (with some caveats, mostly dealing
with conditions of state) without having to direct customers to a giant list
of diseases to see if theirs is on it. Oh. It’s on it. We also didn’t want
to make a different inhaler for every case. That would have been ridiculous.
And yes, it is an inhaler. We kind of always knew that. It isn’t random,
there are actually a number of reasons for it. Number one is that anyone can
learn how to operate an inhaler with minimal training. Eye drops are about
as simple, but people’s reflexes kick in, and they blink. An injection? You
can forget about it. Either we trust customers to handle their own needles,
or they have to go in to a facility. My boss really wanted something that we
could send directly to the end users. Someone suggested a jet injector, but
that’s an unjustifiable additional expense for something that you shouldn’t
need all the time. The panacea cures whatever you have when you take it, and
inoculates you for about a week afterwards. Some people at this company—who
I respectfully leave unnamed—wanted the drug to be very limited by dose, and
very temporary, so you would have to keep buying more, and more, and more.
Fortunately, it doesn’t work like that. It’s pretty much impossible to
create a dosage system. You need a certain amount of the particulates for it
to be effective, but beyond that, it really doesn’t matter how much of it
you take. That’s another reason why inhalers are great, because they’re
imprecise, which is okay, unlike other drugs, which require very specific
amounts. We can make huge batches of micronized agent, and divide them into
our inhalers, without all this extra work of pressing it into tabs, or
something. So yeah, it’s ready. We just need to mass produce it. You’re
almost home. You’re welcome.
