Friday, February 26, 2016

Microstory 265: Perspective Forty

Perspective Thirty-Nine

My husband thinks that our family life is going to get better if we spend a night each week playing games. I thought it would be fun, but it’s started stressing me out. Intellectually, I know he’s trying his best, probably. But I can’t help but feel that he is just covering for something bad. I haven’t always been faithful in our relationship. I haven’t gone all the way or anything, but still, he knows about it, and I know that he’s just waiting for his moment to use it against me. I’m always worried that he’s going to abandon me for his mistress. Whoever she is, I’m sure she’ll treat him right. Probably. Lord knows I don’t. But that’s just who I am. I’m a bad person. What am I supposed to do about it? I was born broken, and there’s nothing I can do to fix myself. Sure, I can take the medicine my psychiatrist prescribes me, but exactly how much can that do? These tiny little pills are packed with what, magic? I’ve always had a hard time believing in that kind of medicine. if you give me a vial of something, or if you inject something into my blood, then I can kind of see how that works. But pills just seem completely ineffective to me. I don’t feel any different. I guess he did say that there was only so much they could do anyway; that the pills can only help with my anger and stabilize my moods a bit. It’s hard to take him seriously, though. He probably has dozens of other patients that he cares about far more than me. And why should he focus on me? It’s not like I have suicidal thoughts or anything. I mean, sure, that would take the pain away, and it would be easier for my family if they just didn’t have to worry about what I was going to do next, but death isn’t a good answer. Probably. All I need to do is be a better person. I can do that. I can fake it, even if it means I have to do it forever. I just need to watch how good people act and mirror them. Shouldn’t be too hard. Probably.

Perspective Forty-One

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