Celebrity Interviewer: Thank you all for sitting down with me. My audience
is very interested to understand the reasoning behind this arrangement. I’m
very sorry the warden was not able to be with us today.
Producer: Yes, I just spoke with him, and he has some important business to
take care of with the government, but he sends his regards.
Ex-Cop: A private prison owner’s job is never done.
Celebrity Interviewer: Quite. Now, let’s get into it. Whose idea was it to
make a film about Ex-Cop?
Producer: That would be me.
Celebrity Interviewer: And who decided to cast Ex-Cop to play himself?
Producer: That would be me as well.
Celebrity Interviewer: That wasn’t Casting Director’s responsibility?
Casting Director: I was responsible for securing the casting, but it was an
executive decision. I wasn’t even part of the project yet.
Producer: Yes, my vision started in my head, and I didn’t tell anyone about
it until I had a really good idea of what I wanted to do.
Celebrity Interviewer: That makes sense. But, Casting Director, you had to
convince the warden to go along with it, correct?
Casting Director: It was a team effort, but I was his primary point of
contact.
Celebrity Interviewer: Tell me about the film. Where does it begin?
Producer: We start before the beginning, actually. The first five minutes
follow Mr. Ex-Cop’s parents as their relationship evolves, from their first
date at the zoo, to the day Ex-Cop was born. The next five minutes follow
Ex-Cop’s upbringing. He has said that he knew he wanted to be a law
enforcement officer because of a presentation an officer did at his middle
school in eighth grade, so that’s where we stop moving so quickly through
the narrative. We keep it linear, though. We don’t have any flashbacks.
Ex-Cop: That was my idea. Flashbacks, honestly, confuse me.
Celebrity Interviewer: I’m not surprised by that. Walk me through the
reasoning behind not casting any other actors for the role. Are you using
visual de-aging technology for Ex-Cop? How does that work? Can you really
make a full-grown adult look like a child with CGI?
Ex-Cop: I’m not doing any CGI.
Celebrity Interviewer: So, you just haven’t cast the younger parts yet?
Casting Director: I can explain this. Ex-Cop is going to be playing himself
throughout the entire film, and no digital editing will be employed to make
him look younger. In fact, he’s not even going to be wearing makeup. This is
a gritty, true-to-life experience. We want the audience to see him as the
real world does, so they better understand what he’s gone through.
Ex-Cop: That was my idea too. I don’t wear no makeup. Do I look like I got
titties?
Producer: Ex-Cop, we talked about this.
Ex-Cop: Whatever.
Celebrity Interviewer: No. I want to know what he has to say. I think you’re
right that it’s important the audience sees him as he is, rather than some
cartoon on the screen. And to that, I’m still confused. The world sees him
as he is today, but when he was six years old, they saw a six-year-old.
Sure, you could never find a single-digit child who looks exactly like he
did when he was that young, but how exactly can you claim this to be an
authentic portrayal when you have a fifty-year-old running around in
diapers?
Ex-Cop: I’m not fifty!
Celebrity Interviewer: Assistant, please make note of the time. We’re going
to want to put a fact-check up on the screen, making sure my audience knows
Ex-Cop is indeed fifty years old.
Assistant: Yes, sir.
Ex-Cop: You go to hell, the both of you!
Celebrity Interviewer: Don’t talk to her like that.
Producer: He didn’t really mean it.
Celebrity Interviewer: No. I want him to apologize. He can say whatever he
wants about me, but he will leave my assistant out of this, or he’s gonna
wish the state had just sent him to some hole in the ground where I can’t
find him.
Ex-Cop: Fine. I’m sorry.
Assistant: Thank you.
Producer: Let’s get back on track. I understand where you’re coming from,
but Ex-Cop expressed to us that he’s always felt more like an adult, so we
wanted to illustrate that by having him play his younger selves as well.
It’s a creative choice, and I stand by it.
Casting Director: As do I.
Celebrity Interviewer: And do you stand by casting a convicted murderer in
your film at all?
Casting Director: I’m sorry?
Celebrity Interviewer: You should be.
Producer: I would like to clarify this. We’ve obviously heard all of the
criticisms. It’s not my job to judge whether Ex-Cop is racist, or if he’s
guilty of his crime—
Celebrity Interviewer: He’s guilty. He was found guilty by all six peer
arbiters, all four professional arbitrators, and a highly respected
adjudicator. He’s considered guilty by the majority of the country’s
population, and then some. The film that started this all—the one that shows
Ex-Cop pounding his fist into the head of Innocent Victim until he
dies—proves that what they said he did, he did.
Ex-Cop: You can’t talk about me like this!
Celebrity Interviewer: On the contrary, sir, I can. You gave up your rights
when you abused your power, and murdered an innocent blackman on the streets
of Hillside. This film is outrageous! This private prison is outrageous! And
you, Ex-Cop are the most outrageous of all. Why, if I had—
Assistant: Celebrity Interviewer? Your boss is on the phone. He’s watching
the closed stream.
Ex-Cop: You’re in trouble now, bitch.
Celebrity Interviewer: You fucking piece of shit. I’m gonna put you on the
ground. Why you runnin’? Get back here, coward!
Producer: Stop.
Celebrity Interviewer: Get your hands off me. You’re as bad as him, because
you validate his sentiments!
Assistant: You better take this call.
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