Office Manager: Welcome, Recent Graduate.
Recent Graduate: Thank you.
Office Manager: Based on our interview, I see no reason you won’t
thrive in this work environment. Still, we would like you to get to know the
team before you begin next week. We called this a suitability interview,
because that’s what legal says we have to call it, but it will be really
informal. Don’t stress about answering questions, or anything. Just act like
you’re at a party. Don’t emulate Office Drunk, though.
Office Drunk: Hey, I heard that.
Office Manager: Great. So go on, mingle. I’ll leave you all to it. I
already know I like this guy.
Office Motormouth: Hello, hi, how are ya? What’s goin’ on? You
feelin’ good? You’ll be sitting here, right next to me. New hire always gets
the old office chair. Have you lived in Hillside your whole life? Do you
have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Do you have any kids? What do you wanna be
when you grow up? I don’t suppose you want to be an office assistant your
whole life. You just graduated from college, right? What did you major in?
Would you major in that again, if you could go back and start over?
Office Aspirant: Stop overwhelming the boy, Office Motormouth.
Recent Graduate: No, it’s okay. I can handle it. I was born in
Hillside, but moved to Kansas City before I could walk. I came back here for
college, and decided to just stick around. I do not have a boyfriend, nor
any kids. I’m here to climb the corporate ladder, and go as high as I can
go, so being an assistant is just the beginning of my career, but I have no
current plans to leave the company to work somewhere else, if that’s what
you’re asking. I did just graduate, of course, with a general education
degree. I like to learn about a lot of things, and pinning myself down to
just one field of study seemed too normal. No offense, I hope. If I could do
it all again, I would do it the same way. It got me here.
Office Motormouth: Oh. Those are great answers. Now—
Office Aspirant: You’ve had your turn, Motormouth. Listen, kid, you
remind me a lot of me when I was your age.
Office Busybody: That was, like, two years ago.
Office Aspirant: I had aspirations, just like you. And look at me
now, I already have two direct reports. You could be just like me one day
too, if you work hard.
Office Busybody: Those aren’t your direct reports, Office Aspirant.
They put you in charge of the seasonal temps this year, because no one else
wants to do it. They don’t actually answer to you, though.
Office Aspirant: Don’t mind her.
Office Busybody: No. Don’t mind him.
Recent Graduate: I’m looking forward to working with all of you.
Equally.
Office Motormouth: Another great response.
Office Busybody: Anyway. Those temps I was telling you about? Well,
they’re sleeping together. But word is that Seasonal Temp 2 also has a thing
going with Accountant from accounting. But you didn’t hear it from me.
Recent Graduate: Hear what?
Office Busybody: Good boy.
Office Creep: So, speaking of sleeping with people, if you could
sleep with any celebrity, who would it be?
Office Motormouth: Office Creep, stop being a creep. You’re gonna
make him call HR on his zeroth day!
Recent Graduate: No, it’s okay. But. I’m not going to tell you that.
Office Drunk: Do you have any mints?
Recent Graduate: I do, actually. Right here.
Office Drunk: Hey, is that a purse?
Office Aspirant: It’s called a satchel.
Recent Graduate: No, it’s a purse. I carry a purse, because it’s
2018, and men can have purses. I don’t believe in gender roles.
Office Drunk: Right on, right on. Hey, we’re probably gonna grab
drinks after work. Are you in? What’s your favorite bar? What’s your poison?
Recent Graduate: I don’t care to drink much. I’m sure I’ll just get
something with a lot of sugar to cover the taste of alcohol.
Office Drunk: A man who knows what he wants. I agree with Office
Manager; I like this guy. Come on, new guy, lemme show you what’s what on
this floor.
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