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Wednesday, July 19, 2023

Microstory 1933: Idiot Dies in Desert

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Idiot: Are you serious? What the hell is this damn thing? Is it supposed to look like that? I don’t even know why I popped the hood. I don’t understand any of this stuff. I should have paid attention when my uncle tried to teach me. Ugh! It’s so freaking hot; I hate this freaking place. If I had only just—argh! Great, it’s not like I keep a first aid kit in the car. Oh wait, I do. This just isn’t my car! *sighs* No one’s gonna stop. I’m gonna die out here. This is it. I can see the headline now: Idiot Dies in Desert. They’ll make a movie about me. Someone much hotter and younger than I am will play me. It’ll win awards, and people will say, that was based on a true story? Nah, it was so contrived. No one’s gonna stop. I haven’t seen anyone for miles. Where the hell am I? [...] There’s a slight hill up there. Maybe I can find a signal. I’m certainly not doing any good trying to fix this piece of crap. Oh, hello. Finally, someone to talk to. Are you lost too?
Turtle: *growls* *hisses*
Idiot: Yeah, I hear ya. I was minding my own business, just like you. I even carry my house everywhere I go. Well, it’s my second house. No, actually, it’s my first house now, isn’t it? I have a real house, but I was sick of being in one place all the time. Is that why turtles are always walking around? Do they just get tired of their surroundings? Probably not. You’re probably always just lookin’ for food. Do you have any I can spare? Do you keep it in your shell? Is that a thing? If I had a shell, that’s where I would keep my food. Whatever, what was I saying? Oh yeah, my house. So it belonged to my parents, so it’s all paid off. I thought it would be a great idea to move in, but after a year, I just couldn’t take it anymore. It reminded me of my childhood, and...well, I won’t get into that, but basically my parents hated me. They didn’t hate me, but I’m such a screw up. Case in point, right here. Oh wow, that hill looks a lot slighter the closer I get. It’s probably not going to be any better. Still no signal. So anyway, I sold the house. That was this whole thing. They wanted me to spend all this money to fix it up first, and I’m like, I don’t wanna do that. So I did some math—I’m not good at math, but I spent time on it. I did the math, and really, what I got for it without renovations was barely less that I would have gotten with the renovations. So I just skipped it, and accepted the lower bid. Like I said, it was paid off, so it was pure profit. But it fell through. It was a done deal, and now it’s dead. But I didn’t know that when I bought a new RV. I was gonna explore the continent, but then I get a notification that my smoke alarm is going off. I have these speakers—whatever, it doesn’t matter. But I have to go back and see what the problem is, but there is no problem. It was literally a false alarm. So I left again, and two days later, I’m halfway across the country when another notification comes through. So I just ignore it. As it turns out, there was a fire, and the house practically burnt down. Can you believe it? I mean, it’s not as bad as it would be for you. If it were you, you’d be dead. So I turn around and head back, then my RV breaks down, and also catches on fire. FML, right? I’m in a small town, and the rental selection is for crap, so I take what I can get, and you can guess what happens next. I ain’t stopped on the side of the road for my health. I ain’t holdin’ a desert turtle, walking to a hill in the hopes of getting one bar so I can order pizza. What? What the hell is that? Oh my God! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!

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