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Orientation didn’t do a very good job of preparing me for what jail was
going to be like for the rest of the weekends that I’m going to have to go
through it. For one, I didn’t have a cellmate before. I knew that I would
this time, but I had forgotten what it was like to live with someone else in
such close quarters, and in fact, they’ve never been that close for me
anyway. I don’t want to say anything bad about the guy, but I have trouble
getting along with other people. That’s just a general rule when it comes to
my personality. I don’t see the world in a normal way, and that gets on
people’s nerves. He didn’t try to hurt me or exploit me, but I don’t think
we’re going to be lifelong friends either. I ran into even more personality
clashing once I got out into the common area. There are people in there from
all walks of life. While individual cells are not co-ed, the facility is as
a whole, which I prefer, but as woke as I am, I worry about women
being around men a lot more than I would have to in a perfect world. I found
myself watching them to make sure they weren’t about to be harassed, which
probably only served to make me look like a perverted creeper. That’s not
the image that I want to give off to people. They already have a bad
impression of me. Word had spread about my special situation. Some of the
things that they heard are true, and some of them are not, so I spent a lot
of time fielding questions, and clarifying inaccuracies. Even the people who
understood what happened weren’t happy with me.
Some thought that I got off easy, and should have been sent to prison, or
received some other harsher sentence. Others called me a narc for helping
the FBI catch the teenage girl’s abductors, even if they agreed on principle
that kidnapping toddlers is wrong. Some were specifically bothered that I
was given such special treatment, like the hotel room that the government
paid for, or the legal assistance that I got from an employer that I worked
for as nothing more than a janitor for a couple of weeks. Most of them, I
would say, don’t like that I run this here website, feeling that I’m
exploiting them for money, and misrepresenting the justice system. I try to
tell them that I’ve not been doing that, but only speaking my truth;
and being clear that this is what I have been experiencing, but they
don’t see it that way. Some of them have read some of it, and some only
heard about it, so they all have their own impressions that I don’t think I
can change. I’m pretty sure I’m the most famous person in there, which did
not even occur to me. Yes, the number of daily visitors for my site has been
increasing, but this service provider doesn’t tell me where these people
are, and it certainly doesn’t show who they are, so I didn’t go into jail
thinking that I may have to worry about my reputation. There were a
few proponents of mine, if you can believe it. They acknowledged that there
was nothing wrong with keeping a blog, and that I’m not the only one in the
world to do it. A few popular video bloggers have similar stories to share,
though usually after the fact, rather than while it’s happening. My
advocates called it hustling, and encouraged others not to criticize me for
trying to make a buck, which is the most common reason for anyone to be
locked up in a place like that, so they should all be able to relate to
leaning into one’s strengths. That makes some sense, and I appreciate the
sentiment.
I was hoping to just keep my head down, and serve my time without making
trouble, but it’s always going to find me. I’m going to be doing this for
the next 20 weeks until I’m finished with my thousand hour jail time. It
could get better as they get used to me, or it could get worse. Hell, just
writing these words right now could just piss people off even more,
including those who were kind of on my side before. But either way, I’m not
going to stop, because this is part of my rehabilitation. It’s a form of
accountability that the courts are exploring for future use. For my part, I
don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m sure different people would have a
different perspective, but taking a lighter sentence in exchange of keeping
an accountability blog? That has to be better, right? I should sure think
so. Even if you’re not a good writer, that’s got to be preferable. There
could be minimums for word count, or something, maybe, but hopefully
no limits on grammar mistakes, or requirements for flow. That last sentence
didn’t flow well. It shouldn’t be a form of forced education. Some people
hate school, myself included. I dunno, maybe nothing will come of it. I
should really just focus on my own progress right now. Here are a few
updates in that regard. I found a therapist, and will be meeting with her on
Tuesdays and Thursday. I’ll also probably be signing up for group sessions
on weekends, but I’m not ready to start those just yet. I have regular
meetings with my parole officer on Wednesdays, and he’ll work with my work
schedule once that’s all figured out. I’ve narrowed it down to two jobs, but
by the time you read this, I will have probably decided, so I’ll go over
that later this week when we all finalize the decision. I just need a few
questions answered before I feel comfortable choosing one over the other.
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