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Dear Dudes, Dutch. Doy. I asked to fill in for Nick today, instead of Kelly.
It’s not that she couldn’t write it for him, but I’ve been a little bored,
and I wanted something to do. I don’t know what we’re gonna do tomorrow,
because the hospital still won’t want him working, and his website is his
job, so I may write the next one too. We’ll just have to wait and see. If
you don’t read his socials, then don’t worry, he’s okay. He’s not back here
for a medical issue, but because he had his surgeries. They took out his
index, and some of his bone marrow. Funny thing about that first thing, when
I went to another universe, the scientists who studied me wanted to see if
there were any physiological differences between me and them. They did all
sorts of tests...consensually, and discovered that everything was the same.
We all got ten fingers, one heart, and two butt cheeks. They also mentioned
that the appendix was about the same. And I’m, like, “what the hell is an
appendix?” That’s what they call the index. Apparently, their ancestors
thought that it was a useless organ that doesn’t do anything. Which is
strange, because back then, they also thought that a magical God created
humans. Why would they think such an omnipotent entity would think to
include something so strange and pointless? Anyway, I just remembered that,
and thought it was funny.
Welp, I think I have a little extra time, so maybe I’ll spend the rest of it
telling you how I got my name. Most people assume that it’s only a nickname,
but no, it’s real. Both in this world, and the other one, learning it has
made people chuckle, or hold back chuckles. The Dutch are people from
Nederland, or the language that they speak. My family is not from Nederland,
nor even the area. Here’s the story. When my father was a child, he used to
watch this old television program. Of course, as Nick has pointed out, we
don’t have much of a library of fiction on this Earth, but this one was
scripted, and said to have been pretty good at the time. I can’t remember
what it was called, but in the first season, there was a younger brother in
the family. They got rid of him in later seasons without an explanation, but
he kind of became synonymous with the show anyway. The character was very
protective of his toys and other belongings. Whenever anyone would come into
his room, or try to do anything with his stuff, he would yell “no touch! No
touch!” But he had this sort of babyish accent, and it sounded more like
Dutch than touch. My father, being of about the same age as
this kid, started imitating what he saw and heard. He’d walk around the
house, yelling that catch phrase over and over again, emphasizing a
D sound even more than the actor did. My grandmother tells me that it
was annoying, but at least he didn’t really understand what the words were
supposed to have meant, so he wasn’t actually ever trying to stop people
from touching his stuff. Then he grew up, and forgot about all of this. But
years later, as an adult, he watched some old home movies, and saw himself
yelling that. His own dad was gone, but his mother was still alive, so he
asked her about it, and she explained what that was. So my dad, being the
jokester that he is, just started doing it again. He’ll periodically yell,
“no Dutch! No Dutch!” usually at very inappropriate times. I think you can
guess the rest. It became part of his personality, so when he and his future
wife had a kid, naming him Dutch just made sense. I get my brains and good
looks from my mother, but I got Aderyn ‘No Dutch’ Haines’ sense of humor. I
think it’s a pretty good deal.
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