Monday, March 2, 2020

Microstory 1311: Suspected Arson

Defense Attorney: Are you an arsonist, sir?
Arsonist: I am, yes.
Defense Attorney: Are you saying that because you were convicted on two counts of arson in the past, or because you admit to your guilt?
Arsonist: Both.
Defense Attorney: But you’re reformed?
Arsonist: I don’t like to use that term. It suggests that I’ve been cured of my condition, and now no one ever has to worry about me. But that’s not the case. I meet regularly with both my parole officer, and a state-provided therapist. I go to support groups, and I keep myself away from fire as much as possible. I even had to buy an electric stove, because a pilot light alone could trigger me.
Defense Attorney: But these techniques are working, correct? You’ve not set any fires since you were released from prison.
Arsonist: I switched from smoking to vaping, just so I wouldn’t even have to use a lighter anymore. So no, I’m not reformed. I’m recovering, just like any addict who’s recognized they have a problem. But yes, the program is working.
Defense Attorney: Okay, okay. Are you guilty of the crime in question today?
Arsonist: If there was a crime, then no.
Defense Attorney: Why do you say that?
Arsonist: I’m not convinced this was arson at all. But again, if it was, it was absolutely not me.
Defense Attorney: What do you believe led the authorities to rule that arson was the cause of the fire?
Arsonist: There were multiple points of origin, which is highly suspect, I admit. It’s not too terribly common, but it is possible for a building as old as that to have such bad wiring that seemingly separate fires begin at around the same time. But they are more connected than the fire marshal realizes. Well, I shouldn’t say that.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Arsonist: The fire marshal might have been able to come to the same conclusion as I did, but he was evidently not allowed to conduct a thorough investigation. The police linked me to the building so quickly that they steamrolled the marshal into rushing the paperwork.
Arson Case Prosecutor: Objection. He doesn’t really know any of this. Where is he getting his information?
Arson Case Judge: Mr. Arsonist, I highly doubt you are close enough to the investigation to have any knowledge of how it was conducted. Please refrain from speculating about it.
Arson Case Prosecutor: I’d also like to—
Arson Case Judge: Yes, yes. I understand he is behaving more like an expert witness than a suspect, but I would still like to hear what he has to say as his opinion speaks to his credibility, and reasonably contributes to his defense.
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, the purpose of the United States judicial system is to find the truth at nearly any cost. I believe we have provided the court with more than enough reasonable doubt that my client had anything to do with this tragedy. Mr. Arsonist has never killed anyone before. In fact, the reason he was given so much prison time before is because he planned every one of his crimes down to the last detail, which ruled out the possibility of a lack of impulse control. He always made sure no one was in the building. If this fire we’re talking about today was indeed a crime, it was sloppy and poorly-planned, and that simply isn’t how my client would have done it. We also believe the authorities to have mishandled this case, and jumped to conclusions based on discriminatory sentiments, and weak circumstantial evidence. We intend to sue the city for their actions.
Arson Case Judge: That is your right, but it has nothing to do with me. The case I’m hearing today is in regards to Mr. Arsonist’s guilt. Am I to understand that you wish to file for this case to be dismissed.
Defense Attorney: That is correct, Your Honor.
Arson Case Judge: The defendant will be returned to City Jail while the prosecution attempts to complete the investigation. Prosecutor, you have forty-eight hours to come up with some real evidence against the defendant, or he will be released.
Arson Case Prosecutor: Thank you, Your Honor.
Defense Attorney: Thank you, Your Honor
Arsonist: Thank you.
Defense Attorney: ...
Arsonist: ...Your Honor.

Sunday, March 1, 2020

The Advancement of Mateo Matic: December 5, 2273

When Mateo was at his own memorial, a lot of things happened. None of it was bad—except for maybe that time he nearly choked The Delegator to death, so he could get Ramses back from the future—but it was important. When you gather that many people from all over time and space, they’re bound to exchange information about what they’ve been dealing with, and it gave him some insight into what was required of him. The occurrence he was most concerned with right now was when Newt Clemens appeared, and gave Horace Reaver the hundemarke, which was what they had been searching for this whole time. Horace didn’t talk a whole lot about it, and maybe he didn’t know too much himself, but Mateo felt very strongly that his moment in 2027 was when the hundemarke would be finally destroyed. That was why Meliora wanted Mateo to retrieve him from the timeline at that point, rather than some other time period. That had to be the truth, but unfortunately it came with side effects.
The timeline had to be honored, and thinking on it now, he realized there was probably a very immutable reason for that. Horace did indeed take the hundemarke back to 2027, and he did indeed give it to Bhulan, and she did indeed take it into some kind of magical fire, sacrifice herself, and end the object’s reign terror once and for all. If this was what happened, it could not be changed, and Mateo wouldn’t have been able to keep Bhulan here in the present day investigation if he wanted to. The problem now was figuring out what they were going to do without this powerful person’s involvement. What was the world going to look like without her in it? Of course, she still existed, and Nerakali still knew that, but what he couldn’t allow her to do was realize how helpful she could be for them in this situation. Even if he managed to erase hers and Leona’s memories, and make sure history never repeated itself, so they never came up with the idea to find her in the first place, that left a big hole in their investigation. Because she wasn’t just going to help them find the hundemarke itself. They also needed to find the person using it, and they still had no apparent means of doing that.
Things were awkward after Mateo woke them up from having forced them into unconsciousness. While Nerakali was stewing, because they never figured out how to get her out of her stupor, Leona questioned how it was they got to Kansas City. The last thing she remembered, they were back at Machu Picchu, and had no plans to come here. He played dumb, claiming he didn’t remember either, but also had to play it down, so it wouldn’t become this big mystery they had to solve. He didn’t want them thinking someone was controlling them from a distance, because that would distract from their mission. Both of them were suspicious of the situation, but not him, though neither of them seemed too interested in scrutinizing further.
When the next year rolled around, he continued to have no idea how they were going to move forward, so the only thing he could do was try to fix the most pressing issue. Nerakali’s life had just been turned upside down, and if he couldn’t help her by suggesting Bhulan, he would have to do it some other way. They were staying in visitors’ quarters in the KC arcology, which gave them access to the internet. While Nerakali was having a depression nap, and Leona was just having a regular nap, Mateo got online, and searched for special events. He wanted to find something light and breezy, but he found it difficult to navigate the 23rd century computer system. By the time he finally found what he was looking for, enough time had passed for napping, so he woke the other two up, and presented them with his plan.
“Star Trek?” Nerakali questioned.
“The Motion Picture,” Mateo clarified.
“That movie’s three hundred years old,” Leona pointed out.
“Yes, but it’s 2273, which serves as the setting for the film.”
“So?”
“So, the Earthans are holding a special immersion room event.”
“Immersion room?” Nerakali began. “Why don’t they just do it in VR?”
“Because Star Trek didn’t have VR,” Mateo tried to explain. They’re doing it holodeck-style.”
“I guess the show wasn’t that accurate then,” she volleyed.
“Either way, they didn’t have holodecks in the franchise yet,” Leona added.
“Grr.” He held up the information panel on his e-paper. “Look, you get to play members of the crew. It’ll be fun.”
Leona scoffed. “What are we gonna do next year? Logan’s Run?”
Mateo swiped left on his paper, which revealed another flyer. “Yes, that’s next year! An event called The 100: Sanctum begins in eight years. Apparently, they’ve just been doing this sort of thing for decades.”
Nerakali reached out, and took the page from him. She then dramatically tossed it on the floor. “They’ve been doing it for decades without us, and will continue to do so until they decide to quit themselves. I’m not participating.”
“Okay, fine. It was just an idea,” he said as Nerakali was slowly starting to walk away.
“How does this help us find Erlendr Preston?” Leona asked.
“It wasn’t meant to do that. I was just trying to give us a break. This has been hard on all of us, but especially on her. I think it would be good for us to take our mind off of it...start fresh in the morning.”
Nerakali stopped, and turned back around. “It was a nice idea, but it’s over.” She removed her Cassidy cuff, just like she had last year before she lost her memories. “You are free from your obligation.”
“Don’t do that,” Mateo argued. “Don’t do that,” he reiterated. “If you don’t want the day off, then I have another idea. I didn’t really wanna do it, because I didn’t think you would be up for it, but I don’t want you to give up either.”
“What are you thinking?” Leona asked.
As Mateo was hunting for something fun, it also occurred to him that the only reason Bhulan would be able to help was because of her time power. There were other ways someone could help, though. What they needed was information, and they hadn’t really put much effort into gathering that. Well, Nerakali seemed to have done that on her own, but perhaps she missed somebody.
“We need your brother.” He didn’t really believe that, and desperately hoped neither of them would agree with it, but this was his best way of driving the conversation where he really needed it.
“Why the hell would we do that?”
“He knows your father, right? He knows how he thinks. Arcadia can’t help us anymore, so we need another Preston to replace him.”
“I’m the only Preston you’ll ever need.” Nerakali got all up in Mateo’s face.
“So you’re not quitting?” Leona smirked.
“I can’t quit if you’re thinking about looking for Zeferino. Jesus.”
“If not him, then who?” he began to reason. “There were only five people up in The Gallery dimension, right?” He knew that wasn’t accurate. “Erlendr’s evil, and he has Arcadia. You’re already here with us, so that only leaves your real mother, and hasn’t she been missing this whole time?”
“I spent many years searching for my mother, before any of this happened. I believed she was dead until I started hearing about sightings of her throughout time. I don’t know why my father is masquerading as her, but I don’t think he would do that if she weren’t actually dead. He probably thinks he’s honoring her memory.”
“Then Zef is our only option.”
“No, you’re wrong,” Leona contended. “There weren’t five people in the Gallery. There were six. The Artist.”
“Yes, the Artist,” Nerakali said. “Athanaric Fury. I have a pretty good idea where he is right now. So we don’t need my brother at all. I don’t know if Fury knows something, but he might.” She bent down, and retrieved her Cassidy cuff again. “We’re talking to him instead.”
Mateo felt bad about manipulating her like that, but he was worried she wouldn’t be into it if he had to ask her about Athanaric outright. He felt he had to give her a much worse option, and let her talk him down to a better one. Still, it put a pit in his stomach. Was this what happened to her? Did her ability to control people’s memories necessarily corrupt her, and was that happening to him now? Leona seemed fine, but she also wasn’t using the power anyway. He had to keep an eye on himself, so he wouldn’t hurt anybody.
“Where are we?” he asked after Nerakali teleported them to some kind of cave.
“Mount Rushmore,” Nerakali answered. “FDR’s head, to be precise.”
“They added FDR sometime after 2014?” Mateo pressed.
“No.” A man came in to the corridor. It must have been Athanaric Fury, a.k.a. The Artist. He was already in Mateo’s little notebook, since he had heard of him before, but he now had to switch him over to the list of people he had met. “Shortly before the end of his tenure as president, Truman commissioned a fifth head to be added to the mountain, in honor of his predecessor, Franklin D. Roosevelt. While the project was under development, however, Eisenhower reversed this decision, choosing to redirect the money for more productive uses. A very powerful choosing one didn’t care for this, though, so he finished the head himself, but kept it hidden in a parallel spatial dimension. He then went on to carve busts for every president afterwards, except for one, until the U.S. government was dissolved. They’re all hidden too, of course.”
“Let me guess, Donald Trump is the one president he didn’t carve,” Mateo said.
“The real estate guy?” Fury asked. “No, he wasn’t a president. I’m talking about Buchanan.” Oh, right. This was a different reality.
“Do you live here?” Leona figured. It was a fitting home for a sculptor.
“I’m just visiting,” Fury replied. “I don’t live in any one place. I like to keep moving. After I completed The Mass, I put away my special tools, and focused on true art, rather than creating people.”
“What about Serif?” Mateo asked. “You helped Lincoln Rutherford build her for me.”
Fury shook his head. “That wasn’t me.”
“Who is this other artist you’re talking about?” Nerakali asked. That was twice now that a Preston was ignorant about something. Being the most knowledgeable person in the room was kind of their thing. He had always assumed there just wasn’t anything they didn’t know.
Fury got all serious. “You will die never knowing.” It wasn’t a threat, but it was cold. He moved on from it quickly. “Now. Why are you here? You don’t need me to build you someone, do you? Like I said, I don’t do that anymore.”
“We just need to know if you know how to find Erlendr Preston,” Leona explained to him. “He’s been killing people, and must be stopped.”
Fury nodded his head, knowing what they were talking about. “I have no idea where he is. I didn’t even know he was involved. I thought it was Savannah, or Arcadia, or both.
“He’s disguised as mother. I don’t know why.”
“There are some things I know about him that you might not. Parents always keep things from their children. I can’t promise it’ll help, but I’ll tell you what I can.”
“Thank you,” Leona said, “it’s much appreciated.”
After Fury gave them his intel, they left him alone, which was how he wanted it. Mateo couldn’t stop thinking about this mysterious second clay human-maker. Whatever his identity, he was going in the notebook.

Saturday, February 29, 2020

Dardius: Mateo Matic (Part IX)

No, it wasn’t Cassidy in the background. Mateo was seeing Meliora Rutherford, whom he had only met a couple times; once in an alternate reality. They didn’t look anything alike, but the former was the person he was expecting to be here. He had always wondered why it was that Gilbert Boyce owned this planet, rather than her. She was in charge of the only inhabited building on it back when this all began, so why did her power not spread as the population did? After he hugged everyone in the room who was there for his memorial already, he decided to be brave, and pull Meliora aside, so he could speak with her about this. Seeing her here, and realizing why it was that all these people were coming together, gave him an idea.
“I thought this day might come,” Meliora said.
“You did?” he asked. “So you know what I’m going to say.”
“I have no idea,” she admitted. “But you and I have not spoken in quite a long time, from both of our respective perspectives, so we were probably due. Ask me anything.”
“Why did Boyce own this planet, and not you? I mean, didn’t you basically run it, and weren’t you the one who named it”
“Oh, we’re talkin’ about that? Okay. Well, it’s really complicated, but the gist of it is that I don’t want it. Maqsud owed Boyce a favor, and that favor came in the form of a star system. Boyce owed me a favor, but it was a much smaller one, so that favor came in the form of being able to use this planet for my needs. I wanted a place where Earthans could feel safe and comfortable. Right down to the surface gravity, they needed to feel like they were still on the same world. Keep in mind that this agreement was discussed and finalized when The Rogue was possessing the body of Baudin, and one other person. Neither one of them was evil, like The Apprentice, so he was far more congenial at the time. Anyway, I was responsible for The Sanctuary, and Boyce was not allowed to interfere, but he did maintain control over the rest of the planet. Or rather, he maintained theoretical control. He never had any ideas of what he could do with it, so when a few of my guests wanted to go out camping, for instance, we didn’t run into any problems.
“Around the time that Boyce first died, and ownership transferred to you, the people I was rescuing from Earth were multiplying beyond the Sanctuary’s boundaries. I took a risk, and expanded without permission, because I assumed you wouldn’t have a problem with it.”
“Of course not,” Mateo confirmed.
“Good. So, I started using more and more land, but I realized my people no longer needed me. They procured their own way of extracting those in need from the timeline, and of figuring out precisely who those people were. Recognizing that I would probably only be a hindrance to this new civilization’s development, I determined the best thing for me to do was leave.”
“Where did you go? Or when?”
“It’s a little bit of both. I began to travel to other universes.”
“Ah, I see.”
“I never know where I’m going, or what I will find when I arrive, because I have no means of navigating the bulkverse. That’s why I can’t own this planet. I can always return to a brane that I’ve been to, but I can’t guarantee where in the timeline I’ll be, or even if I’ll be in the latest timeline,” she said with airquotes. “So now I have a question for you, are you asking out of curiosity, or are you trying to pass it off to me?”
“Do you think I should...pass it off, that is?”
Meliora stood there for a moment. “Probably. I can’t take it, though. I’m a bulk traveler and that’s the way I like it. After this is over, I will be leaving again. If you would like someone to take Dardius off your hands, I can help you do that. It’s a good time for it, because even though you’re obviously alive, you have died, and that’s sort of when ownership transference happens.”
“Right. The problem is you are exactly who I had in mind. I don’t know of anyone else. Do you?”
Mateo’s memorial was quite literally a global event. The only people not paying attention to it were in emergency situations, like those at the hospital. Even they had the ceremony on in the background, though. There wasn’t enough room for everyone to watch in one place, however, so only a select few tens of thousands of people were afforded tickets to the stadium. Other stadiums held their own events, though they were self-regulated, and unofficial. Even the people in the main stadium didn’t have the best view, because there was a much smaller crowd on the grounds, full of only people who knew Mateo personally. Though the event would not begin for another few hours, Meliora decided to transport the living Mateo there, so he could catch a sneak preview. She slowed time down to a crawl so they could get a good look from another dimension.
“I don’t know how all these people get here,” Meliora began as they were staring at the group. “I dispatched some of my most trusted allies to assist in the endeavor, because the powers that be are not involved this time, like they were with your final showdown with The Cleanser in the Colosseum. I was also unable to recruit Glaston for this, because your wedding with Leona nearly killed him.”
“Who’s that guy?” Mateo was pointing to a mysterious man who they did indeed encounter at the wedding.
“He’s from the future. Don’t worry about it. Are you listening to me?”
“Yes, of course.”
Meliora went on, “not everyone here would be up to the task of owning a planet.”
“How hard could it be? I did almost nothing as owner. I only became Patronus later, and that didn’t last very long, and it never truly had to happen at all.”
“It is a psycho-emotional strain, Mateo. You’ve always been too busy to feel it, especially since for a good chunk of the time, you didn’t even know how many people lived here. All these people do. The new owner would know from the start that billions of people will know their name. They’ll likely feel the obligation to live here, because they’ll have the option, whereas you and Leona never did. They will spend their days in the public eye, not possessing any real power, but being asked for help anyway. Mateo, if you choose someone to take this world from you—which, by the way, you don’t actually have to—you will be simultaneously giving them an enormous gift, and a massive burden.”
“Do I have to give it to anyone at all?” Mateo hoped. “Can I not just relinquish my rights, or something?”
“Normally, yes. But with this particular world, with this many people, who all believe in you, no. They’re comfortable with having an owner, kind of like how it took over two centuries for the United Kingdom to abolish the royal family, and transition completely to a real democratic republic.”
“Wull, if I try to give Dardius to someone else, do the people have to approve of that person?”
“Well, they will, because you do. I know that seems like I’m not answering the question, but it’s true. They will accept anyone. You could hand it off to Adolf Hitler, Francisco Franco, and Donald Trump, and they’ll smile, because they’ll trust you had your reasons.”
“I don’t think I’m going to go that route. I want to choose someone who’s up for the job. Please don’t be neutral on this. If you have a good choice in mind, I want to hear it.”
“I have to be neutral, because I’m too powerful to let people listen to me too much. I do know someone who should be involved in this decision, though. I’ll take you back to the recent past, just before Leona arrives.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea.”
Mateo returned to the Sanctuary hotel, and had an hour-long talk with his wife about what they were going to do with this planet. They generated a list of their most responsible friends, and pared it down. In the end, the three-generational Einarsson family proved themselves to be the most logical choice. Any help they needed they could secure from their various friends and allies, and as the owner of a whole planet, Cassidy would be forever protected from anyone who would do her harm. The trick would be convincing them to agree to it in the first place. He didn’t really know if the three of them had to agree to this, because Gilbert never gave him a choice, but he was determined to not force the issue if they didn’t consent. That wasn’t Mateo’s responsibility, though. Leona would have to take care of that herself while he was off doing something else. There were two people who were vital to the services, but Meliora’s people were struggling with finding a way to retrieve them. One in particular would not come easily, mostly because he had no idea who Mateo was.
Ramses was difficult to get to, because of when and where he was. Horace Reaver, on the other hand, was difficult because they evidently couldn’t choose just any version of him in any time period. The Horace living in 2027 was the one who needed to see the events that would be unfolding today, for temporal reasons that Mateo wasn’t capable of understanding. He just had to trust that Meliora knew what she was talking about when she explained this to him. This would be a lot easier if he had managed to retain Nerakali’s brain blending power, but it was still possible without it. His best chance at success would be to appeal to Horace’s better nature, and make sure he suppressed his dark tendencies.

Friday, February 28, 2020

Microstory 1310: College Graduate

College Graduate: Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Warehouse Supervisor. I know you were wary of me at first. Though, I’m not entirely confident I understand why.
Warehouse Supervisor: Yes—oh, you can go ahead and sit in that rolly chair. I have to stand right now, because of this medical condition. Yes, I originally filed your application away, because it says you have a college degree.
College Graduate: Is that not a good thing?
Warehouse Supervisor: Well, it is in general, but not only does this position not require it, but I’m not sure we should allow it.
College Graduate: I don’t understand.
Warehouse Supervisor: I think you do understand, and that’s why you had your aunt swing this interview.
College Graduate: I didn’t ask her to do that.
Warehouse Supervisor: Okay, then I’ll tell you that, beyond this interview, I will offer you no special treatment. Nor will I hold your aunt’s actions against you. You came in for an interview, just like anybody else. I’ve already forgotten the circumstances of the schedule. But that doesn’t mean the college aspect of your résumé doesn’t lower your chances of getting the job. We’re in a warehouse, son, and the people I employ to work it are here because they can’t get anything else. Some passed high school, others earned their GEDs on the side while they worked; one guy’s doing that right now. A couple never got their diplomas in any form, and have no intention of doing so. We don’t have anyone like this on payroll right now, but we’re also our policy to be open to hiring convicted felons. None of my guys, however, has so much as gone to a semester of college. We’re all just normal, and people with your experience just don’t get people like us.
College Graduate: I recognize that I am, quote-unquote, overqualified to work here, but I do not believe that means I do not deserve it. The fact is that I’ve not been able to find work anywhere else. I have a degree in marketing, which opens me up to all sorts of industries. Unlike, say, a chemist, I could potentially work anywhere. Everyone could do with a good marketing strategy, because everyone is selling something. Yet here I am before you, because I’ve been looking for two months, and have only managed three interviews total. So maybe I’m overqualified for this, but I am also evidently underqualified for anything else.
Warehouse Supervisor: There are lots of jobs that are less fancy than marketing, but better than warehouse picking. Besides, everything you just said? You can’t talk like that here. Quote-unquote, yet here I am before you. No one’s gonna show you any respect if they think you think you’re a king.
College Graduate: No way could you interpret the way I talk to mean that I think I’m a king.
Warehouse Supervisor: Son. I can’t give you a job. I mean, we already have a hostile professional relationship.
College Graduate: Something tells me I’m not the first person here you’ve disagreed with. And what, you fill out human resources reports when there’s a personnel issue? You can’t have it both ways; claiming this to be a team of normal people, but also that you think you can’t get along with someone who’s a little different. You may think people with more education look down on you, but have you considered the possibility that it’s the other way around? Because from where I’m sitting...it is you who’s looking down on me.

Thursday, February 27, 2020

Microstory 1309: Fish Feet

Celebrity Interviewer: First of all, I am a huge fan of your work.
Seasoned Actor: Thank you very much.
Celebrity Interviewer: I mean, your performance in Severe was phenomenal; absolutely breathtaking.
Seasoned Actor: I appreciate you saying that.
Celebrity Interviewer: But that’s not why you’re here, is it?
Seasoned Actor: No.
Celebrity Interviewer: You wanna talk about your new project. It’s a pretty big departure from the kinds of things you normally do, correct?
Seasoned Actor: That’s right. It’s called Fish Feet.
Celebrity Interviewer: [Giggles]
Seasoned Actor: [Clears throat] It’s about a fish who dreams of walking on land. One day, he meets The Urchin Wizard, who grants him his wish by making him grow legs. So he goes out to explore the world with his best friend, who’s a crab. It’s delightful.
Celebrity Interviewer: That is not a word I’m seeing in the reviews.
Seasoned Actor: Well, there are millions of words, soo...
Celebrity Interviewer: A critic called it, quote, “unabashedly the worst thing I’ve ever been forced to watch in its entirety. If it weren’t my job, I would have stopped playback after ten minutes. I almost quit the paper because of this.”
Seasoned Actor: Well, that’s just one man’s opinion, from some blog site, I’m sure.
Celebrity Interviewer: It’s from the New York Times.
Seasoned Actor: Look, like you said, it’s a departure from my other work, but that doesn’t mean it’s good—I mean, not good. It doesn’t mean it’s not good.
Celebrity Interviewer: Another critique reads, “the fish’ new legs are probably about two meters in length, so he can walk alongside the humans he meets, but way too skinny. They made me really uncomfortable, and traumatized my four-year-old daughter. For some context, she laughed when that anthropomorphic peanut died. She made me turn Fish Feet off so we could watch Watership Down again. That’s why this article is a day late.”
Seasoned Actor: Okay, yes. I’ve heard these criticisms, but I’m just here to tell everybody that I loved working on this film. The director was amazing; it felt like I had known her for years. It’s supposed to be fun and silly. They made his legs ridiculous on purpose, to make kids laugh, and I think they succeeded.
Celebrity Interviewer: Apparently, there are two separate jokes about pedophilia?
Seasoned Actor: Oh my God, I’m sick of hearing about this. It’s a pun...because the fish has feet?
Celebrity Interviewer: No, no, no, yeah, we get it. That doesn’t make it okay.
Seasoned Actor: We’re done here. I thought you were going to take this seriously.
Celebrity Interviewer: I was to understand the point was that you wanted to stop having to be so serious. But I am sorry. Let’s talk about the movie. Please don’t leave.
Seasoned Actor: No, it’s done. Get this goddamn thing off my neck! We went off the record, by the way. I better not see this footage on the internet later, or your lawyers are gonna wish they had gone to medical school, where it’s less stressful.

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Microstory 1308: Clearance Investigator Job

Clearance Investigator: I appreciate your patience during this process. As you can imagine, as clearance investigators, it’s very important that we make sure the people we allow to be hired—or remain employed by the government, as you recently experienced—are investigated to the best of our ability, with the resources we have at our disposal. It’s doubly important that the people we hire to be those investigators be vetted even more thoroughly, to avoid any conflicts of interest, or other issues. We are the gatekeepers for so many agencies, and if you want to be part of that, we have to make sure you’re both up to the task, and worthy of holding the keys.
Postal Worker: I understand. I consider everything I went through during this most recent background check to be part of my preliminary training. The other checks were part of my training too, I suppose, since they are still relevant.
Clearance Investigator: Very good. Now, you have worked for the postal service for the last four years, correct?
Postal Worker: This is a fact, sir.
Clearance Investigator: Were you surprised when you got called up for a reinterview process?
Postal Worker: I wasn’t surprised so much as I didn’t know it was going to happen. I guess that is the very definition of surprise. Perhaps I mean only that I wasn’t bothered by it, nor concerned.
Clearance Investigator: What made you decide to apply for this position?
Postal Worker: It was the whole process. I was a bit scared the first time it happened, because I didn’t truly understand what was going on. I made a writing error on my application, and you threw it back to me, so that was upsetting. But I was a little more mentally prepared when the renewal came up, and I started really thinking about what was happening in the background; what you guys were doing, and why you were doing it. I became fascinated by it, and I realized how incredibly important, as you said, it was to make sure you know who it is you’ve hired. A lot of my co-workers were put off by it. They didn’t think it mattered, since we’re just mail sorters, but I never saw it that way. We have access to a lot of sensitive information that the citizens of this country are counting on us to protect. Maybe it’s not always national security, but every letter matters to someone.
Clearance Investigator: You seem eager to work for us.
Postal Worker: Oh no, I wouldn’t say I’m eager; I definitely wouldn’t use that word. I’m ready. I mean, I just... I...I—
Clearance Investigator: Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re a terrorist who’s trying to become a mole in our department. You have the position. This interview is just one final formality to give you one more chance to back out, if you are so inclined. If you think an initial background check is hard, just wait until you see our exit process. Quitting this job, or—God forbid—getting fired from it, can be even more stressful, because now you have all this confidential knowledge we can’t let you walk away with unless we’re sure you won’t misuse it. If you really want to do this, we’ll get the paperwork started.
Postal Worker: I really want to do this.
Clearance Investigator: All right. Wait here a moment.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Microstory 1307: Metal Thief

Property Crimes Detective: All right, Metal Thief. Tell me what you know about the Twin Hillside Burglary.
Metal Thief: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Property Crimes Detective: You expect me to believe that? It was all over the news.
Metal Thief: I’m not really into the news. I like history.
Property Crimes Detective: And money.
Metal Thief: Doesn’t everybody?
Property Crimes Detective: And metal.
Metal Thief: Metal makes money.
Property Crimes Detective: What did you do with everything you stole from that house?
Metal Thief: I told you, I didn’t do it.
Property Crimes Detective: Then who did?
Metal Thief: How the hell should I know?
Property Crimes Detective: Well, you must have contacts, what with everything we know that you’ve stolen.
Metal Thief: What did they take?
Property Crimes Detective: Everything.
Metal Thief: Everything?
Property Crimes Detective: Everything but the kitchen sink. They did take the workshop sink that was in the garage, though.
Metal Thief: They literally cleaned it all out? But just the one house?
Property Crimes Detective: Yes.
Metal Thief: You didn’t call me in because you think I did it. You called me in for help.
Property Crimes Detective: [sighs] Where would someone go to unload all that? I’m talkin’ bookshelves, couches, televisions, frickin’ photo albums. They took a lot of junk that was personal; I honestly don’t get it.
Metal Thief: They took photo albums?
Property Crimes Detective: Yeah. What does that mean to you?
Metal Thief: There’s always someone willing to take the valuable stuff. You don’t even need to go to the black market. All you would need to do is haul that stuff to your own house, and sell it on your lawn.
Property Crimes Detective: A garage sale?
Metal Thief: As I understand it, confidential informants get paid.
Property Crimes Detective: You give me something I can use, we’ll talk.
Metal Thief: [...] Detective, this crime is personal. Like you said, they took junk. Anyone willing to go to that much trouble is doing it for one of two reasons. A, it’s a prank, in which case it’s gone too far by now. Or B, the victim just went through a bad break up, or fired a disgruntled employee, or something. Find someone your victim has wronged recently, and see if they have a garage sale goin’. Or see if they’ve just purchased storage space somewhere in the city. They may not want, or need, to sell it at all, and it’s really just about hurting the victim.
Property Crimes Detective: That was actually kind of helpful.
Metal Thief: Next time you want a favor, don’t drag me into an interrogation room. Just ask.
Property Crimes Detective: Oh, it’s a favor? I guess we don’t need to pay you then.

Monday, February 24, 2020

Microstory 1306: Witness for the Defense

Opposing Counsel: Thank you, Your Honor. Now, Mister Witness for the Defense.
Witness for the Defense: Please, you can just call me Defense Witness.
Opposing Counsel: Witness for the Defense, how do you know the Defendant?
Witness for the Defense: He and I met for the first time in elementary school. Then he decided he wanted to try being homeschooled. He didn’t like it, but he was assigned a different middle school, so we ended up sort of meeting again in high school.
Opposing Counsel: So, you weren’t friends that whole time?
Witness for the Defense: Nah, we didn’t know each other that well in fourth grade.
Opposing Counsel: But you would say you’re close now?
Witness for the Defense: I would say that, yes.
Opposing Counsel: And do you personally know the victim?
Defense Counsel: Objection.
Opposing Counsel: Forgive me, Your Honor. Do you know the plaintiff?
Witness for the Defense: I think I met her once at a block party.
Opposing Counsel: In actual fact, you met her several times over the last two years. Once when you were so drunk that you banged on her door, thinking it was the Defendant’s. Plus, other times for other community events.
Civil Court Judge: Was that a question?
Opposing Counsel: The question, Mister Witness, is were you lying about how well you know her, or is my client so forgettable that you don’t recall her helping your brother get his son into their desired preschool?
Defense Counsel: Your honor, this line of question is not relevant. What the witness does or does not remember of the plaintiff is not part of his role as a witness today. He is here to speak on what he knows of my client.
Opposing Counsel: Your Honor, the witness is here primarily as a character witness for the defendant. His own credibility must first be established before his responses can be reasonably accepted.
Civil Court Judge: And I believe you have done that. Move on, Counselor.
Opposing Counsel: Very well. Witness for the Defense, are you connected with the Defendant on social media?
Witness for the Defense: Of course I am. We’re best friends.
Opposing Counsel: When did you first come across the thread in question, Exhibit One?
Witness for the Defense: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Opposing Counsel: If you are unaware of which post I’m talking about, I happen to have an extra copy for you.
Witness for the Defense: ...
Opposing Counsel: May I remind you that you’re—
Witness for the Defense: Yes, I’m under oath; I understand. Like I said, the Defendant and I are best friends, which means the social network algorithm knows I’m more interested in his posts than most others.
Opposing Counsel: Meaning...?
Witness for the Defense: Meaning I received a notification about the post in question. I saw it immediately.
Opposing Counsel: And do you personally agree with the claim the Defendant made in said post?
Defense Counsel: Objection!
Civil Court Judge: Sustained. Counselor, you’re testing me. I never liked tests.
Opposing Counsel: Witness for the Defense, do you believe the Defendant had malicious intentions when he posted this update on his social media page? Do you believe he knew the outcome would be my client’s damaged reputation, the loss of her job, and a profound struggle with finding a new job?
Witness for the Defense: Absolutely not.
Opposing Counsel: Do you believe he believed the plaintiff would find the post distasteful.
Defense Counsel: Your Honor!
Civil Court Judge: Skip this question, Witness for the Defense. I’m giving you one more chance, Counselor.
Opposing Counsel: I only have a few more questions. Witness...do you have access to the Defendant’s social media account password?
Defense Counsel: Your Honor, please!
Civil Court Judge: I would like to hear the answer. You may want to as well.
Opposing Counsel: Witness?
Witness for the Defense: [...] I do.
Opposing Counsel: Following your drunken encounter with my client, were you, in fact, the one who logged onto the Defendant’s social media account, and posted the distasteful update found in Exhibit One? And wasn’t the Defendant too drunk himself to deny his involvement?
Audience: [Collective gasp]
Opposing Counsel: Your Honor, I would like to submit as evidence Exhibit Two—an example of Witness for the Defense’s own writing—which a linguistic analysis expert can testify matches the writing style of Exhibit One.