Prompt
I’ve never been a cheater, but this test is going to be simultaneously the
hardest I’ve taken, and the one that matters the least to my future
productivity as a member of society...
Botner
...at least this weekend, anyway. I hope I pass it. Last year, on this day,
I got dumped by an asshole. I had just finished my final exam in the
morning, and the final exam grading period had just ended, and I was ready
to go home. It was finals week, so the academic atmosphere was just setting
in, and some of the older graduate students had already started complaining
about “how can we be starting the school year already?” and it was such a
jaded, stressful, and tragic time to exist in (besides only being nine
months into the school year, before adding the first week of summer vacation
in). I was sitting in the lounge, and I received a text from an
ex-girlfriend. Like I mentioned, I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t suspect
that she would take this “joke” to a new level, and I didn’t even tell her
to never contact me again. I left it on the front seat of my car, in plain
view. I just don’t do well when someone hurts my pride. I know that I don’t
deal with rejection well, because my ego is the biggest part of my sense of
identity, and when someone uses it against me, I don’t handle it well. I’m
sure I’ve mentioned this before. When I used to wake up at 4:30 AM, every
day, to...
Conclusion
...work at a package sorting facility, there was this guy I was interested
in, but I couldn’t tell if he liked men, and we worked on opposite sides of
the room, so we never talked. But my girlfriend didn’t like me even looking
at him, so we eventually broke up, even though I never actually cheated.
After a few minutes, I decide to text my ex back. The message she sent was
innocuous enough, just asking me about that Italian restaurant I like, but
if she wants to get back together, I need to know that. I’m not saying I’ll
go for it, but it’s always better to know, and dating her would be good for
my career. As I’m waiting for her reply, the email I’ve really been waiting
for comes in. It’s the weird PhD student, who calls himself Answerman. He
still lives in the dorms, and has a filing cabinet full of test answers and
homework examples. First one’s free, he told me. I guess he thinks he’ll
keep me as a client, but I won’t do it. This is a one time thing, and then
I’m goin’ legit. I just need to pass this one class, and everything will be
fine. He asks to meet on the bottom level of a parking garage, which is a
red flag, but I’m desperate. I walk over to the rendezvous, and climb down
the stairs. Answerman, is there, along with the dean, who tells me I have
two choices. I can either fail this class, and tell everyone I know that
Answerman still has the answers, man...or I can be expelled. I realize it’s
like a disease. Everyone else was given this same choice, and it’s always a
trap. Just then, my ex-girlfriend finally texts back. She does want to get
back together. That’s perfect. Her father works for a tech company that
doesn’t require degrees, and I already have all the skills I’ll ever need. I
tell the dean to go screw himself, then leave the parking garage, so I can
announce to the whole world that Answerman is a frickin’ narc.
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