Monday, April 20, 2020

Microstory 1346: Consumer Protection

Library-Goer: Hi, I was wondering if you could help me? I’m looking for a book, but I can’t seem to find a computer to search for it, and I have no idea how to use a card catalog.
Library Assistant: Oh yes, we are very old school here. You don’t need the catalog, though. I can help you find anything you’re looking for. Why don’t you have a seat?
Library-Goer: Do I really need to sit? I just need a book.
Library Assistant: Ah, yes, but which book? Do you know the name of it?
Library-Goer: No.
Library Assistant: Then we shall have to do an interview. In order for you to tell me what information you’re looking for, you first need to know precisely what that is. You can’t tell me unless you understand it yourself. I assure you that, by the end of this interview, I will know the exact book you need; maybe two books. I won’t need to give you any more options than that.
Library-Goer: Can’t I check out more than one book anyway?
Library Assistant: Oh, of course. You can check out fifty, if your heart desires! You won’t need to, though; not as long as we find the perfect one. I’m very professional, and I know every single title in this section. I only don’t know fiction; that’s Ted’s job.
Library-Goer: Okay, let’s do this.
Library Assistant: What are you interested in?
Library-Goer: I wouldn’t say that I’m interested, but I need to learn about the law. I’m having some legal issues, but I can’t afford an attorney. I guess you’re right in that I don’t know where to begin.
Library Assistant: Law is in 340, under social sciences.
Library-Goer: Okay.
Library Assistant: Without giving me too much personal information, what kind of law are you looking for? You don’t just want to start with the first textbook they read in law school; most of it would be a waste of time.
Library-Goer: I bought, umm...a product...from a company. I don’t know if they committed a crime, but they need to answer for what they did to me.
Library Assistant: All right. So we’re talking private law. It’ll be in civil court, if you take it that far, but when we’re talking about a library book, that’s in 346.
Library-Goer: Yeah, I don’t want to tell you what it is, but let’s just say I’m on painkillers now. It physically hurt me, so I did what everyone does, which is complain to the seller. They made me jump through all these hoops. They wanted me to take a picture of the product right next to the receipt. Well, it was online, so there’s no receipt, so I printed out my confirmation, and they’re like, ‘that’s not good enough’. I dealt with this for a week, and they won’t even give me a refund, let alone pay for my medical bills. I looked it up online, and I’ve not heard anyone else having these problems, but that doesn’t mean there’s no potential for a class action lawsuit. It could mean that no one wants to say anything, because it’s kind of taboo.
Library Assistant: Ah, okay. So, what you’re looking for is information about consumer protection. Follow me to the 300s. This was an online purchase, so you’ll want a book that’s pretty new. We have stuff from the mid-twentieth century that won’t do you any good. Aaaaaand here. This will help you. It’ll at least help you get started. Maybe, since you can’t afford a lawyer, you can learn some legalese to help you...encourage the company to do the right thing.
Library-Goer: Wow, this...this looks like what I need. Thank you so much.
Library Assistant: No problem. Let me know if you need anything else.

Sunday, April 19, 2020

The Advancement of Mateo Matic: April 19, 1993

Mateo and Ramses woke up at about the same time the next day. They weren’t a hundred percent sure exactly when that would be, but the powers that be seemed to simply hold the pattern, but in this new time period. It was now April 19, 1993. Little Declan was three years old now, which was probably old enough to start coming up with his own ideas, and operating somewhat independently. He was eating his torus oats, and—why the hell did he just call them torus oats? Was that the shape of the cereal? Yes, it was, but even if he knew that himself, it wasn’t a phrase he would have normally said. He would have just used the brand name, especially since this was all just in his head, and he didn’t have to worry about any legal issues. There was something very strange going on in his brain, but unfortunately, Nerakali wasn’t around to answer any questions. The two of them stood awkwardly in the kitchen entryway, wanting to ask what they could do to help, but not wanting to interrupt Holly Blue’s process.
“Oh, just sit down,” she said. “I made it for all of you.”
“All of us?” Mateo asked.
Holly Blue frowned slightly. “Yes. I built your machine in my lab over the course of the year. There’s not really a way to test it, but it should take you back to the beginning of your pattern. I doubt you’ll need it, though. I had a whole year to think it over, and I’ve decided your relationship with your wife is indeed my business. I’m going to help you to get through whatever went sour, and what better way to do that than with some powdered sugar?” At that very moment, she sprinkled some actual powdered sugar over the pancakes she had just set on the table in front of them. “They must be tired, though.” She lifted her watch, and tapped on the touchscreen, which was not a very 1993 thing to do.
An alarm went off upstairs, followed by a thump.
Holly Blue spoke into her watch, “breakfast is ready. Come as you are.”
Leona appeared from the stairs, followed by Nerakali and Vidar. Mateo couldn’t be mad. He couldn’t hold the high ground here. She had mixed feelings about seeing him. She obviously wanted to see him, or she wouldn’t have chased him back in time, but she was angry about all the effort she had to put into it.
“Now,” Holly Blue began, “my mother...didn’t raise me. I don’t know why I intended to lie to you about that, or why I went back on it in the middle of the sentence. Let’s just call this an original thought. We’re going to hash this out, family therapy style. And we’re gonna do it over a meal.”
“Sweet,” Vidar said, sitting down. “We don’t have to say grace, or anything, though, do we?”
“Dig in.”
That Mateo couldn’t be mad didn’t change the fact that he had no idea what he was going to say to his wife. Holly Blue could have given him a thousand years to think it over, and there still wouldn’t be any words to justify his actions. He didn’t want to defend himself, but he didn’t want to apologize either. Honestly, he just wanted to run away again, perhaps using the new homegrown home stone.
Everyone was really hungry, so they didn’t just sit there in awkward silence, but they didn’t speak either. They just chowed down silently, as if their crazy uncle had just said something ambiguously sexual about his nephew’s fiancée at thanksgiving dinner, but he was helping to pay for the wedding, so no one could argue. This went on for about ten minutes. Holly Blue waited impatiently for someone to break the ice, and then just had to go for it herself. “Let’s just get some background. Mateo, you killed someone?”
“A villain,” Ramses clarified for him. “Two, actually. Erlendr and Arcadia Preston.”
Holly Blue looked over to see Nerakali’s reaction.
Noticing this, Nerakali spoke up, “they had it coming. We all agreed.”
“Yes,” Leona agreed defiantly. “We all did.”
“But you’re not the one who had to do it,” Mateo spat back with rougher turbulence than he had intended.
“I offered!” Leona clapped back.
“This is not going to become a screaming match,” Holly Blue mediated with her inside voice. “We’re talking. If you don’t remain civil, neither of you will get what you want. Whatever it is you want, I’ll keep it away from you. I know that’s vague, but I don’t have a lot of options for punishment here, so please just do the right thing.”
Mateo sighed. “I didn’t want to leave you, Leona. I didn’t plan on it either. I just...watched the life drain out of their eyes, only to be replaced by new bulbs. It was in that moment that I realized I would never be the same. I’ve killed before, but...this was different. This felt...malicious, vindictive. It didn’t feel like me. You married me. I mean, you married the man I was, but I’m worried that he died with the Prestons.”
“You didn’t even try to stay and talk. You just teleported away. I didn’t know where you were going, or when you were coming back, but I was prepared to give you space. Then I noticed your dot on my Cassidy cuff disappear, along with Ramses’. If you were in shock, I would have understood, but you had the wherewithal to shut me out. That was not okay.”
“I know, I’m sor—”
She cut him off, “this is not the first time you’ve run away from me, Mateo. It will either be the last, or the second to last. You understand me?”
He did. He could either never do it again, or if he did, she wouldn’t try to find him. That was supposedly what he wanted, but also, he didn’t.
“Ah,” Holly Blue said. “That smells like a breakthrough. Or it’s the quiche.”
Everyone perked up.
“Settle down,” Holly Blue told them. “Horace Reaver isn’t the only one who’s allowed to make quiche. Jesus Christ.” She stood up to tend to the oven.
“So, are we cool?” Ramses asked.
“The conversation isn’t over,” Leona said, “but I think we can move on from now. I just don’t know where that is. Do we jump to April 20, 1994 after this? Do we return to where we should be, which is December 12, 2280? Do we completely remove ourselves from our pattern?” She started swiping through menus on her cuff. “There’s gotta be a way to do it.”
“Oh, I know what to do,” Mateo claimed. He did?
“You do?” Nerakali questioned.
Mateo started swiping through his own cuff interface screen, which was yet another term he wouldn’t have used himself. He didn’t even realize what he was looking for. He was now in, like, a hidden partition of the memory drive, or something. What? No, that was just technobabble, it was called something else. He was trying desperately to fight against his newfound intelligence with his oldfound stupidity. Oh my God, what a fitting thing to say, a voice in his head muttered. Oldfound? How the hell did you survive grade school? “Who is that?” Mateo cried out loud.
“What?”
“Shut up! Shut! Up!”
“Are you hearing people’s thoughts again?” Leona asked.
They all looked to Vidar. “Don’t look at me,” he defended. “I put up mental wards after the last time.” He tapped his fork against his head. “Nothin’s gettin’ in here.”
Mateo scoffed, completely out of his control. “You sure about that, jackass?”
“What the hell has gotten into you?” Leona scolded.
“A little bit of perspective, bitch!” Mateo said. But no, that wasn’t him. It couldn’t have. He didn’t use that word, and he sure as shit wouldn’t use it on her. If the shoe fits.Be nice, honey. That last thing was like a different voice; nondescript, like the first one, but still somehow distinct. It was like there were two other people in his brain, and they were fighting for control of his thoughts and body. This was a psychic attack. “Oh, Sherlock’s got it figured out!” he couldn’t help but say out loud.
“Holly Blue, do you have any idea what’s happening?” Ramses asked.
“I have no clue,” she replied. “But I’m taking my son to the panic room. You all are staying out here. I can’t trust anyone.”
“I’ll find you later, caterpillar!” Mateo shouted to her as she ran off.
“Mateo,” Leona tried to say comfortingly. “Talk to me. What are you trying to do?”
All this time, Mateo’s hand was tapping furiously on his Cassidy cuff. “I’m trying to find something? These things can do virtually anything, but you have to know how to use them.”
Leona looked down at his cuff. “Ramses, get that thing off of him. It’s malfunctioning again.”
Mateo’s hand took a quick break from whatever it was doing to return to the main menu, and send an electrical shock to everyone else’s cuff to stop them from trying to stop him.
“I can’t!” Ramses exclaimed. “He still has the primary!”
“Got it,” Mateo declared in a faux British accent. He finally pressed the execute button. A tiny portal appeared over the dining table. The hundemarke fell right through. Mateo caught it before it landed in the deviled eggs. He triumphantly placed the dogtag around his neck.
They all stood up from the table, and backed away.
“Holy crap,” Nerakali said in fear. “That’s not Mateo anymore.”
“Who is it?” Leona asked.
Mateo grimaced. “Yes, who am I, Wilson?”
“It’s my father,” Nerakali answered. “That’s what he called me. I’m named after a character in a maxiseries called Inspectors. Nerakali Wilson.”
“Wasn’t Makarion in that too?” Vidar asked.
“No,” Mateo’s voice said as Mateo’s legs were standing Mateo’s body up. “He was in Masterminds.” His hand picked up the carving fork from the dishwasher that Holly Blue used for the chicken last night, and threw it straight at Vidar. It stuck in his head, causing him to fall down, presumably dead. “I don’t think I’m gonna paradox his death. I’m just gonna let him lie.”
“Get out!” Nerakali shouted at Mateo’s face. “Get out of his head right now!”
“Oh, I would, darling,” Erlendr responded. “Unfortunately, my body is being used by some asshole in the future who doesn’t even deserve to live.”
“Then at least cede control!” Nerakali ordered.
“No. I had a plan, and you people screwed that up. Well, this is what you get. This is my backup plan. I didn’t see it coming, but here we are. You can have Mateo back whenever Arcadia and I find replacements. Until then, I—what are you doing?” Mateo was struggling to take back control. It wasn’t easy, but it clearly wasn’t impossible either. This was his body, and no matter how strong these psychics were, he would always be able to lay claim to it. Was he strong enough to hold the line, though?
“What’s happening?” Leona asked as Mateo was turning away from them.
“He’s fighting back,” Nerakali explained. “Keep fighting!” she urged him. “They’re stowaways. All you have to do is get back into the pilothouse. You can do this!”
“Then what?” Mateo eked out. “They’ll still be here. I’ll have to fight like this every second of my life unless we can get them out. How do we get them out?”
They all looked to Nerakali, who stood there for a moment. “I don’t know how to get them out. Psychics are generally good people, even Sanaa. They don’t do this; they just don’t.”
Mateo moaned. He could feel Erlendr and Arcadia coming back. He only had one choice. He reached over, and input the exit code on his Cassidy cuff. It dropped to the floor. Now at least when his enemies took back control of his body, they wouldn’t have his friends’ powers. He tore the hundemarke off his neck too. He knew he couldn’t hold on forever, but he only needed a couple more minutes. He forced his legs to keep walking, right towards Holly Blue’s lab. There was a mirror on the other side of the room. Had he been simple ol’ Mateo, he wouldn’t have known what the mirror did, but Erlendr was a genius, and let it slip. This was the home stone she had built for them. She kind of had a thing for mirrors, rather than rocks, so it made perfect sense. With the last bit of strength he could muster, he reached around to the controls on the back, and activated the portal. Then he stepped through.
Leona dropped her own Cassidy cuff, and tried to follow him, but couldn’t.

Saturday, April 18, 2020

Firestorm: Kallias Bran (Part IV)

I’m not in hiding, but I have been laying low for a while. Back in the year 1990, I started investigating a child’s disappearance. It was my first case as a detective, and the weirdest thing I had ever seen up until that point. Things like it would eventually become commonplace for me, but back then, I couldn’t explain it. Escher Bradley was missing according to his supposed father, but according to the mother, he never existed. I spent years trying to figure what the hell was going on. More children disappeared over the next decade, and I was the one assigned to them all. Other strange things happened in Springfield, Kansas until it all just ended when the entire town itself disappeared. I continued to investigate, though. I traveled to other planets, other points in time, and even other universes. My life was non-stop adventure, so when I was given the opportunity to go back to where it all began, and lead a more normal life, I took it. Sort of.
The first moment I experienced nonlinear time was, as I said, way back in 1990. But since then, I’ve seen all kinds of technological advancements. Living in a time before I could look up literally anything in an online encyclopedia, or navigate to a new location on a little computer phone, was something I didn’t think I could do. I hitched a ride back to the future—the 2020s, to be exact—and I’ve been generally avoiding other time travelers ever since. There are some good people in this underworld, though, and I should have left myself available to them if they ever needed me. I don’t know how he did it, but one of them did finally manage to find me, and he apparently needs my help.
“Where’s your family, Ace?” I ask him.
“They’re still looking for you,” he says. “We got separated, and I found you first.”
“Can’t you call them?”
He pats his pants. “I don’t have a phone.”
“How did you know where I was, but they didn’t? Why were you separated?”
“I was in prison,” he explains. “Don’t worry, I didn’t belong there, and The Warden let me go. I came into possession of some intel while I was on the inside, which led me to you. If you don’t help us with our mission, you’ll still need to bug out. Not everyone who knows your location is on your side.”
“Am I, like, wanted?”
“I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “My cell neighbor seemed particularly interested in you, though. You could better understand what it is that makes you special. I just consider you a friend.”
“Okay, I appreciate the warning. And I’ll definitely help with whatever mission you’re talking about. I’m sorry I haven’t reached out lately. I’ve been kind of staying out of the game, but I think I’m ready to be involved again.”
“We appreciate that. Come on. We’re based out of your safehouse.”
The condo I bought a long time ago has been used for many different things by many different people. I probably lived there for the shortest amount of time, but I still technically own it. I’m glad it’s been there to help so many people. It is a joy.

Serkan Demir runs over and tackles his boyfriend when we arrive at the condo. “How did you get out? Did we win? I don’t remember winning.”
“It had nothing to do with this,” Ace explains as he was peeling Serkan off so he could hug their adopted daughter too. “A friend I won’t have until the future broke me out.”
“They broke you out?” Slipstream asks. I’ve never met her, but she’s famous in all of Kansas City, and beyond. It’s an honor just to be in her presence. “So they’re coming for you.”
“Well,” Ace begins, “when I say he broke me out, I mean he literally broke the bars on my cell. I don’t understand who he is, or what our relationship will be in the future, but the Warden basically said he can do whatever the hell he wants, and she has no right to go against him. I’m in the clear.”
“So, is that it?” Paige asks. “Do we not have to do what it is the Warden charged us to do?”
“I still need to,” Alexina McGregor says. She’s one of the Springfield Nine, like me. She got her time powers from another dimension, and while most of them are amoral, at best, she’s recently tried to redeem herself. I hope she makes it. “I still have to get the rabbit dog from the FBI. I can’t ask you to continue if you don’t have to.”
“Of course we will,” Ace assures her. “Now we have some real firepower to back us.”
Is he referring to me? “Are you referring to me?”
“Slipstream has some clout,” Serkan says. “She’s still a civilian, though. We could use a real law enforcement officer on our side. Ace, how did you find him?”
Ace looks like he doesn’t want to explain how it is he found me. He told me it had something to do with other people in the prison, but maybe it’s a lot more complicated than that, or it’s something bad. There’s a phrase I’ve heard before, which serves as what I guess you could call the time traveler’s way of saying shut up. To avoid paradoxes, and other timeline problems, all you have to do is say, “eh. Time, right?”
Serkan still wants answers, but he’s letting it go for now. “Right.”
“What exactly do you need from the FBI?” I ask them.
And so they go about telling me what they’re hunting for. There’s some kind of psychic hybrid creature, and a temporal object that’s so powerful, no one seems to know what it does. They’re both being protected by a federal agent who probably has special time powers, and he may be in possession of other things they don’t know about. What his motivation is, or what his ultimate plan is, they don’t know, but they know they have to get these things back, because he can’t be trusted.
“And what do you need me for?” I go on. “I’m not a detective in this timeline. I don’t have a badge, or even a gun.”
“We can make you a detective again,” Paige says. “We need it to be you, because you know what questions to ask; how to get into people’s heads.”
“Are you planning on taking me to The Forger to get my badge back?”
“That was the idea, yes,” Paige acknowledges. “Do you not think that’s gonna work?”
I sigh. “It probably will, as long as we give his bouncer a thousand dollars. I’m willing to do just about whatever it takes to help you, but I don’t know if I want to go back to that life. I gave up the force a long time ago.”
Paige comes over, and takes my arm in her hand. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. We weren’t going to contact you, but Dupont dropped your name, and it made us realize we could do with a little more help.”
Delmar Dupont? The magician guy? Hm. Weird.” I sigh again, and watch them watching me, wondering what I’m going to do. “Okay. Let’s go make me a cop again.” I start heading towards the other side of the condo, while everyone else heads for the exit. “Where are you going?”
“Where are you going?” I ask them. The Forger is this way.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Ace questions. “He’s downtown.”
I study them a moment, to see if they’re joking. “You’ve been living here the whole time, and you didn’t realize he and The Communicators moved here last year?”
Slipstream and Serkan tilt their lizard brains.
“Yeah,” I go on, “they’re in the closet. Come on.”
I lead them to the closet, which gives us access to another dimension. We step through it to find ourselves in a much nicer facility than the one these people were working out of before. It’s cleaner, brighter, and modern. I was in here once recently, since I’m the one who gave them the money to upgrade, but I haven’t been here since they finished fixing it all up.
“This used to be a clothing warehouse,” Paige notes.
“Yeah, they moved that to The Hub,” I explain, but it’s clear they don’t know what that is yet. That’s okay, I’m sure they’ll see it later in the timeline.
The same bouncer is standing at the entrance. He seems to recognize everyone, except for Alexina. “She’s cool,” I tell him.
The bouncer nods his head towards Ace. “He owes me a thousand dollars.”
I pull two thousand bucks from my back pocket. “I got it covered.” Ace doesn’t look happy, but I shake my head. “I’m rich, and I didn’t even work for it. I don’t want you to bother paying me back. Money isn’t gonna matter much in the future.”
We keep walking down the great hall. A wide-smiling Ennis waves to us through the glass of his new post office. Susan’s office is darkened, with a red light above the door, which indicates that she’s currently napping. Allen and Richard’s restaurant is open to the public on the other side of the kitchen, and it sounds like a lot of people are dining right now. The time traveler side, however, is almost empty. Only one young woman is eating right now, and she looks a little worried about this group of people walking by her. The Salmonday Club isn’t open at all right now, but we see somebody cleaning the entrance. Finally we’re at the Forger’s new den. I open the door, which knocks into a little bell hanging from the ceiling.
The man himself, Duane Blackwood, comes in from the back, and lifts his arms in a welcoming fashion. “All of you together in one place. My heart is warmed. Mr. Reaver, I heard about your jailbreak. How do you know Mateo Matic?”
“I don’t yet,” Ace answers.
“Ain’t that how it always goes?” Duane asks rhetorically. “How can I help you fine folk? I’ve expanded my business. I can now offer direct transport to another time and place, and discount prices on certain living places. I would just generate the cash myself, but that can screw with the local economy too much, so you’ll still need to pay a little yourself. We even house a Nexus replica on the premises, so if you need to get to Tribulation Island, that can be arranged.”
“That’ll be all right,” I say to him. “I just need...I need you to make me a detective again.”
Duane frowns, but not too sadly. “I thought you were done with all that.”
“My friends evidently require access to the FBI building,” I say. “I’m the only one they know with enough experience to help them.”
“You need access to the fed building, then you need to become a fed, not a detective,” Duane suggests.
“You can do that?” Paige asks.
“Hell yeah, I can,” Duane says. “With my new digs, I can make authentic badges, and appropriate firearms, as well as necessary identification papers.”
“I don’t know much about what it takes to be FBI,” I say honestly. “They’re very different professions.”
“You just need to get through security, right?” Duane asks. “That’ll be easy. I do...umm...ask for payment these days? Not money, of course. Like I was saying, I have my own bottomless ATM, but I do need a favor.”
I was worried something like this would happen, but I’m not gonna freak out until I hear what it is he wants from us.
“There’s a guy at the front door,” Duane begins. “He comes every single day. He knows there’s something here. I’m not a hundred percent sure what he wants, but he’s just human. The Salmonday Club has had to let people in the side entrance, so he doesn’t notice them.”
“What’s the Salmonday Club?” Paige asks.
“You know how there are only seven days a week?” I pose to her.
“Yeah.”
“There are eight, as long as you enter the club thirty seconds to midnight at the very end of the week.”
“Everyone rushes in all at once,” Duane continues for me. “This place is a madhouse on Saturday nights. This dude saw the clubgoers coming into this building one time, and I guess he’s been obsessed with us ever since. The power/pattern detector filtered him out, and just showed him a regular abandoned building, but he knows something’s up. Security can’t get him to leave.”
“Is he there right now?” I ask him.
“Yeah.” Duane walks up to the counter, and reaches over to swing the computer monitor around. It’s showing security camera footage from the main entrance of this building. A guy in a button-up shirt and skinny tie is leaning up against a pillar, hastily writing in a journal, or something.
“Oh my God,” Paige says with a bit of disgust. “That’s him. That’s Orson Olsen, the mormon I accidentally inspired to start a religion.”
I sigh one last time. “You make me FBI credentials, and I’ll get him out of here.”

Friday, April 17, 2020

Microstory 1345: Gifted

University Admissions Interviewer: So, I didn’t realize this when my assistant first put it on my calendar, but you’re a freshman in high school, correct?
Gifted Student: That’s right, sir. It’s been my dream to go to this university since I was a kid, though. I’ve been working on a thirty year plan since I was six.
University Admissions Interviewer: That’s...impressive, but why does your plan involve doing an interview with an admissions counselor when you’re only fourteen?
Gifted Student: I’m fifteen, sir, and I don’t see my age as a hindrance. I’m preparing myself for a bright future, and I’ve always seen education as the most important aspect of my life. I wasn’t born a prodigy—
University Admissions Interviewer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had to work for everything you have, but that’s not what I asked. Why do this interview so early? You’re not going to be admitted, and so much can happen in the next two years before any institution will take you seriously. High school is all about showing us what you’re made of. Right now, all I have to go on is whatever you did in elementary and middle school.
Gifted Student: Uhh, I didn’t provide those transcripts before, but I have them with me...
University Admissions Interviewer: No, you misunderstand. I don’t mean I’m going to look at your history, and make a judgment about your potential to excel at this university. I mean I don’t care about it, because no one does. My point is that I have very little to go on. Hell, you’re not even finished with finals for this year, so who are you?
Gifted Student: Well, I’m obviously an academic, but I have a range of interests. I play tennis and golf, I’m on the debate team, and I’m not yet allowed to work on the school newspaper or yearbook, but I’ll be doing both of those next year. I’m already and Eagle Scout too. My project was landscaping the courtyard for my middle school.
University Admissions Interviewer: You play tennis and golf. I’m going to take a stab in the dark and assume your school is in a fairly wealthy district.
Gifted Student: Umm. It’s true, I live in the wealthiest county of the state. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know hardship.
University Admissions Interviewer: That’s not what I’m saying. You brought up your Eagle Scout project. You fixed up your school’s courtyard.
Gifted Student: Yes. I had tons of volunteers. I learned a lot of leadership skills during that experience.
University Admissions Interviewer: That’s lovely, except that’s still not my point. Your school is rich, Gifted. It didn’t need your help. You could have repaired a home for someone living in poverty, or blazed a trail for a community arboretum. You chose to do something easy, in a place where you were not needed. Now, this university may not care about that. In fact, I doubt it will take anything into consideration other than the fact that you attained the highest rank in Boy Scouts. But I was a scout, and I do take it seriously, and I’m not impressed.
Gifted Student: Once you’re an Eagle, you’re always an Eagle.
University Admissions Interviewer: Well, I’m gay, so I renounced my affiliation many, many years ago, but that’s neither here not there. This is about you.
Gifted Student: Well, I do charity too. I donate a thousand dollars to Homes for Humankind every single month. If that’s not enough, though, I’m sure I could raise that to once a week.
University Admissions Interviewer: Oh my God. I don’t care about charity either. I care about what you’ve done personally for your community. Where do you get that money? Lifeguarding? Stacking shelves at a grocery store?
Gifted Student: I take it out of my allowance.
University Admissions Interviewer: Right.
Gifted Student: I don’t understand the problem here. This is one of the most expensive universities in the country. Everyone here is rich, except for maybe a few academic scholarships, and recruited student athletes.
University Admissions Interviewer: You’re right, this is as rich as your neighborhood. You would fit in well. But it’s not going to be today, or even next year. Come back when you’re a senior, and really think about how you’re going to grow as a person until then. That’s why we don’t do interviews like this when you’re so young, regardless of what legacy connections your parents may or may not have with someone here. You haven’t learned anything yet, and I don’t want to talk to you until you have.

Thursday, April 16, 2020

Microstory 1344: Reward

Marketer: Thank you for driving all the way out here to see us. You are one of our best clients—
Customer: Whoa, when did I become your client?
Marketer: Well, we generally refer to our customers as clients, but I can use the former term, if you prefer.
Customer: I prefer.
Marketer: Okay, that’s fine. So as I was saying, you’re a valued customer, and we would really love to hear what excites you about our company. We wanna know what kinds of things you would be looking forward to in the future.
Customer: I was to understand I would be receiving a twenty-five dollar gift card that’s good at any of the shops at Hillside Mall?
Marketer: It’s actually a prepaid card, so you can use it anywhere that Charta is accepted, which excludes Hillside Mall, because it shut down three years ago.
Customer: Really? Well, nobody told me.
Marketer: I’m sorry to hear that. So, like I said, you are one of our best customers. We’re actually thinking about designing a rewards program based on customer engagement. How would you feel about that?
Customer: You said I would be getting the rewards card as long as I completed the survey.
Marketer: It’s a prepaid card, and you will. After. This is something different. I’m asking for your thoughts on a new program. It would be like this survey, but for everyone. We chose you specifically because you live in the area, and you’ve been so loyal to us. I’m talking about a nationwide system that allows our best customers to provide feedback on a regular basis, in exchange for some compensation.
Customer: I guess that would be okay. So you would be setting up new locations like this one?
Marketer: No, it would all be online.
Customer: If you can do it online, why did you have me drive out here?
Marketer: We do not yet have the new program implemented. We have the capabilities to make the online survey system but we’re waiting until we hear from people like you.
Customer: I don’t really like doing surveys online. I can’t ever tell if it’s going through. I need to speak to someone in person, so even if it’s secretly a waste of time, at least I’m not the only one who wasted his time.
Marketer: Okay, that’s good information. You like to talk to people face-to-face. What would you have to say about a video chat feature? We would still let our elite customers answer surveys online, but they would be speaking to a real person, right here in our headquarters.
Customer: I would hate that too. I mean, the government has access to webcam streams, so that would be a terrible idea. Every time I buy a new laptop, I jam a letter opener into the camera, so no one can spy on me. I also put medical tape over it, just in case it doesn’t break.
Marketer: Yes, I am aware that you buy one of our laptops about every six months. Is it important to you to have the latest technology?
Customer: I don’t care about technology. I have to buy a new one because it takes the government six months to hack into them, so I have to cycle them out that often.
Marketer: Uh, really? I’ve never heard that theory.
Customer: It’s not a theory, that’s just how it works. It doesn’t literally take that much time. But, ya know, they have to get approval, and go through all the bureaucracy. It’s this whole thing. I used to work for a satellite dish manufacturing company, so I know how all this works.
Marketer: I see. Well, I think that’s all the questions we have for you today. We appreciate you taking the time to visit with us.
Customer: That seems short considering how far I had to drive.
Marketer: You’ve given us a lot to think about already. Here is your gift card.
Customer: I thought it wasn’t a gift card.
Marketer: Right, my mistake. You can, uh, leave through the same door you came in. Thanks again.

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Microstory 1343: Art Institute

Art Institute Interviewer: So, why do you want to attend Hillside Art Institute?
Art Institute Candidate: Well, I want to be an artist.
Art Institute Interviewer: Do you want to become an artist, or are you already an artist?
Art Institute Candidate: Oh, well, I guess I already am. I would say as soon as I declared that that’s what I wanted to be, I was. Yeah, that makes sense.
Art Institute Interviewer: If you’re already an artist, what good do you think it will do to come here?
Art Institute Candidate: Should I not?
Art Institute Interviewer: That’s not what I’m saying. I just want to know your background, your intentions, and your expectations.
Art Institute Candidate: Well, I suppose I’ve never really thought about it before. I don’t know exactly when I made that declaration I was talking about. Everyone does art as kids, and most probably don’t give it much thought until they’re a little older. I just never really stopped, ya know? Some of my peers were focusing on their writing skills, or sports, or the sciences, but I always really looked forward to art class, and things just kept going from there. I’m doing a lot of it in high school, so art school just seems like the next logical step.
Art Institute Interviewer: That’s what you would think, but is art...very..logical?
Art Institute Candidate: I would never use that word to describe it, no. Or yes?
Art Institute Interviewer: Whatever you think is the truth. It’s your truth. Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you, not even me. You just have to understand that my job is not to help you get into this institution. No one is responsible for that but you. I’m just here to find out if this is where you belong, or if you should go somewhere else. This isn’t a difficult program. The teachers aren’t going to yell at you, or grade you harshly, or have a bunch of tests. It’s not easy, but if you like making things, it should generally work out. So the school itself is not the problem. The problem—or question, really—is will you benefit from going here? Will this improve your work in ways that you won’t get elsewhere. Because I’m here to tell ya, there aren’t a lot of jobs you can get after this. If you want something in a related field, like curating, or graphic design, other colleges are probably better for you, and their curriculum is more diverse, so that’s a plus. Many of our students are here because they don’t have access to certain equipment and supplies. They can’t get scholarships for brushes and clay if they’re just doing it on their own. Again, I’m not saying you won’t benefit from this. We have a strong network of people who kind of already understand each other, and if not, it’s easy for them to learn. Even with the internet, and other networking opportunities, nothing beats a school like this. If that’s what you’re really interested in, come on in.
Art Institute Candidate: Wow, this has been an eye-opening interview. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
Art Institute Interviewer: Now, hold on. This isn’t over. I still need to look over your portfolio, and we should discuss what it is you like to do. I just needed to make sure you had all the facts, so you could make the best decision for you.
Art Institute Candidate: Okay, cool. I do different things. Here are my landscapes...

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Microstory 1342: Opening Statements

Prosecutor: [Majority of opening statement cut for time.] ...so this is a simple case. The defendant threatened the victim in public. No, it wasn’t a threat of death, or even violence, but he promised to cause quote-great troubles for [him] in the coming days-end quote. That’s not a smoking gun, but it’s nothing either. He had access to the building, and the floor from which the victim ultimately fell. By the defendant’s own admission, the victim had ruined his life, which speaks to motive. Evidence will show that the defendant committed this crime. Footage and testimony of his behavior beforehand will prove that he intended to commit the crime, which means it was premeditated...which means it was murder. I urge you to look carefully at this evidence, and decide for yourselves. Thank you.
Murder Case Judge: Thank you, Madam Prosecutor. Mr. Defendant’s Attorney?
Defendant’s Attorney: Thank you, Your Honor. Before I go into my prepared statements, I would like to address a few things that the prosecutor said. Prosecutor called this a simple case. I believe I know what she means by that, but I hope you don’t take it to mean that the decision should come easy to you. All you have to go on are the facts, and the facts do not support the prosecution’s case. They are the ones who are actually making it complicated. They have drawn conclusions that are not true, only because their presumptions are technically possible. Possible and plausible, however, do not equal reality. We in the business call this circumstantial. As the prosecutor stated, my client made some hate- and anger-filled comments against the victim. I will not try to tell you what he meant by them, what his intentions were, or how he feels about them now. That will be his job when he takes the witness stand. Prosecutor is right that these remarks, coupled with the victim’s ultimate death soon thereafter, are suspicious. Evidence will show, however, that he was not the only one to say such things about the victim. The victim, may he rest in peace, was not the most belovèd person in the city. That’s okay, I’m not disparaging his memory. I don’t have a lot of fans myself. This is more about the suspect pool, which was egregiously small. My client’s name was chosen by the prosecution, and dragged through the mud, simply because he was the loudest. But that would be like blaming your neighbor’s dog for knocking down your tool shed ‘cause you can’t see the wind. My client had means, motive, and opportunity, but so did many others, and the prosecution will not be able to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that my client is guilty. So... [Majority of opening statement cut for time.]

Monday, April 13, 2020

Microstory 1341: Bad Thoughts

New Patient: Where should I sit? Or should I lie down?
Psychologist: You can sit or lie down wherever you like, however you like. That’s why I have so many options. I have one patient who prefers to curl up against the wall, because it makes them feel safer.
New Patient: Okay, thanks.
Psychologist: So, what brings you in today? The way I understand it, you’re having mixed feelings about something?
New Patient: Well, that’s one way to put it. I would describe what I’m experiencing as bad thoughts. I just keep—not seeing things; I don’t have hallucinations—but I have these urges to do things I know are wrong.
Psychologist: Things like what?
New Patient: Well, the other day, the cashier at the grocery store got upset with me, because I’m apparently supposed to scan my rewards card before I pay, so now there was nothing she could do about it. I can’t say that I wanted to do this, but I just had a vision—this flash—where I shoved the card in her mouth, and told her to scan it now. Oh my God, that’s so terrible. I can’t believe I’m telling you this.
Psychologist: That’s okay. This is a safe space. Everything you say is confidential, and I’m not here to judge you. Mine is only to help.
New Patient: I sure hope you can, because this isn’t even the worst example. I can’t explain it. Like I was saying with that one, I don’t have a desire to hurt people, but I can’t help but think of these alternative responses. The normal thing to do is just open the door that’s just been accidentally shut in my face, but a part of me wants to get them back for that; to physically drag them back to the threshold, and slam it in their face too.
Psychologist: So your thoughts are more about exacting justice, or revenge, on people who have wronged you.
New Patient: Yeah, I guess that’s probably an accurate limitation. I don’t walk past someone on the street, and think about randomly slitting their throat. It just seems to bother me more those little annoying things that people do. I mean, I would almost rather just be the kind of jerk who snaps at others, because then at least I wouldn’t be hurting them. I’m worried I’ll one day just lose control, and actually act on these thoughts.
Psychologist: Well, I wouldn’t be worried about that just yet. Simply by acknowledging that these are, and would be, irrational reactions, you’ve taken the first step in changing your perspective.
New Patient: I’ve just never been like this before. I grew up totally fine, but now it’s all I can think about, at least for a few moments after something frustrating happens to me. It’s making it hard to focus on everything I need to do.
Psychologist: There’s probably some reason it’s happening now. When people change their moods like that, it’s usually due to newer, stressful situations. Let’s talk more about who you are, what you do, and what has changed in your life recently that could cause you to feel a little more temperamental than before.