Showing posts with label professor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label professor. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Microstory 1807: Flight Connections

When I was a child, I dreamed of traveling to far away places. I grew up in a poor village in Algeria, where education was hard to find, and farming was the only way to survive. I was lucky, as my father went to school when he was young, so he had relationships with people in the town. We still only had our little farm, but it was just a tiny bit easier to sell our crops than it was for some of our neighbors. He taught me everything he knew, and would sometimes return from town with books so we could learn new things together. When I was a teenager, I got an opportunity to go to school myself. One of his friends had two older children, who were both out of the house, and he was lonely. He needed someone to help do the chores, and play games with him. It was hard leaving my family behind, but I visited as often as I could, and they sometimes visited me. I didn’t realize until then how much there was about the world that I did not know. The books I had been reading until then were old and outdated. I’m laughing because so were the books at school, but at least they were a little bit more recent. I listened to my teachers, and worked very hard. During the breaks, I traveled to the city, where they had a big library. These books were amazing. I just kept reading, and kept learning. I wanted to go to college in Europe, and the only way I was going to do that is if I proved myself worthy. As lucky as I was to be in this position, we still had no money. Somebody else was going to have to pay for it. Fortunately, I knew someone who could help. The old man I was taking care of met a soldier from Spain during the war. The soldier returned to see how much Algeria had changed. He had money now, and he gave some of it to me.

He helped me get into college in Spain, and paid for most of it. He didn’t have any children of his own, so he felt joy to be able to help someone in that way. I got a job too, so I could help with tuition as much as possible. It was my education, and it was important that I be responsible for it, even though I was getting help from someone else. Let me tell you, I thought I had seen a library before, but nothing compares to the one at the university. I could get lost in those stacks, there were so many books, and there was not enough time to read them. It was there that I discovered my passion for flying. I took a boat to get there from Algeria, because it was cheaper, so I had never flown before, but I wanted to do it. I wanted to know what it felt like to be so high above the mountains. I still could not afford it, but one of my professors saw a book that I was reading on the subject, and told me that her brother was a farmer, like me. His was larger, and the best way to spread fertilizer was to drop it from a plane. He agreed to take me up with him to try it out, and that confirmed it: I loved to fly. Now I knew I had to do it. I still had no money for lessons, so I returned home, and worked on our farm, because my family needed me. I stayed there for years, helping build up my community with my knowledge of irrigation, and access to connections in town. I still wanted to fly, though, and I wouldn’t be happy until I could take lessons. It wasn’t an easy goal to reach, growing up how I did. Everyone in my village thought that I was trying to get away from them, but actually air travel connects us more than anything, before the internet anyway. I wanted to bring the world to my people. By then, there was an airstrip nearby, where I could practice for not very much money. I’m happy to say that I earned my license in under a year. And five years later, I was flying over the ocean.

Thursday, January 13, 2022

Microstory 1799: Adventurous Spirit

There’s not much to say about my life, so I’ll just tell you about my death, with a little bit of background. My father once told me that I had an adventurous spirit. I liked to learn about other places, and read about people’s harrowing ordeals. I didn’t actually do anything, though. I kept thinking that I would grow up to be a boat captain, or a pilot, or I dunno...just something that would show me the world. I was always watching Indiana Jones movies, so I thought becoming a college professor would help me. I ended up at the community college five miles from my childhood home, and I rarely stepped beyond my comfort zone. I was certainly not having any adventures. I woke up one day—it wasn’t a random day, but a few weeks before my birthday, which is around the time I start planning my party, which fewer and fewer attend each year. I was about to turn forty, and I had nothing to show for it. That was not acceptable. I had always considered that to be the age when you start getting old. It’s at the top of the hill. You spend half your life climbing up to it, and the other half falling down from it. Obviously I could make new memories in the second half, but I knew it would haunt me if I couldn’t say I did anything by then. I had to start before. I had to start now. I didn’t have any money, or more than a few vacation days saved up, but that was okay, because I was too scared to go too crazy anyway. There was a lake twenty miles out of town that I figured would be the perfect place for me to literally test the waters. If I could survive a baby adventure there, then I would know I was ready for something more, and then maybe more after that. I was never gonna end up in space, but I thought I would go further than this.

As someone who was so inexperienced, I didn’t know how to prepare. Was I going camping? Hiking? Water skiing? No, not water skiing, that’s insane. And no hiking either, I don’t like to walk. How about I just rent a little row boat, and go out onto the water? Yeah, the weather wasn’t too bad that day, so it should have been calm. I assumed that was what the weather report meant. Little wind, little waves. Anyway, twenty-five miles an hour sounded like a low number to me. I still didn’t know what to buy, so I just went to the watersports section of the sporting goods store, and pretty much grabbed one of everything. I knew I wouldn’t need a water trampoline, or a giant canoe, but every small thing seemed like a good idea, because it’s better to be safe than sorry. I gathered everything up, and drove to the lake, where there was indeed a little place to rent rowboats. God, I wish there hadn’t been. I wish it was out of season, or the guy had warned me that the weather was worse than I realized. I don’t know how the boat sank, or why it waited until I was in the middle of the water, but screaming for help did me no good. No one was around to hear, especially since that motorboat was being so loud. A life vest. That was the one thing I forgot to pack. I felt like such an idiot, loading up all this unnecessary gear, but leaving out the one thing that could save my life. I wouldn’t have needed it to keep from drowning, though. That’s not how I died. I didn’t stick around the boat, assuming it was best to swim towards the shore. That turned out to be my downfall. Had I stayed with all that floating crap, the motorboat people might have been able to spot me. Instead, breaststroking my way through the wavy waters, under the darkening sky, in my grayish sort of lake water-colored swimsuit, was the last mistake I made before the propellers came over to say hello.

Friday, June 19, 2020

Microstory 1390: Growth

Fiore Stern: Hello? Mr. Botany Professor?
Botany Professor: Yes, that’s me. Office hours begin in a half hour, but I think I can make an exception. Are you struggling with the cambium assignment? I can give you an extra day, if you need it.
Fiore Stern: No, sir. I’m actually not a student yet. I was hoping to interview you, so you can help me get accepted into the program.
Botany Professor: Well, Botany is part of a liberal arts and sciences degree. All you have to do is get into the school, and you can choose Botany as your major—if you’re really sure this is what you want to study, that is.
Fiore Stern: You don’t think you could give me an edge? Maybe write me a letter of recommendation?
Botany Professor: Not really. This is Hillside University. They let pretty much anyone in who’s graduated from high school. The failout rate is lower with that method than you might think, because our professors are really invested in student success. Once you’re accepted, and start classes, you can join the program, and I can become your advisor. But I doubt you’ll need help being accepted.
Fiore Stern: Well, the truth is, I’m a...I’m a felon. I got out of prison a few months ago, and I’m trying to get my life on track.
Botany Professor: I see.
Fiore Stern: I don’t even know if the college will accept me with all that.
Botany Professor: I believe this institution does have a way of doing that. You have to acknowledge it on your application, but then they’ll have you meet with some special advisor. That has nothing to do with me, though, so I’m not completely clear how it works.
Fiore Stern: Can I still ask you a few questions?
Botany Professor: Yeah, that should be fine. Students probably will start coming in fifteen minutes from now, though.
Fiore Stern: Okay. So. How would you define botany?
Botany Professor: Botany is the study of plants, and pretty much everything that goes with that. It’s about how they convert energy, and grow, and support the environment.
Fiore Stern: What is the difference between a plant, and a flower?
Botany Professor: Well, a flower is just one part of a plant. Not all plants have flowers, because they have different ways of reproducing and spreading, other than sexually.
Fiore Stern: I have heard that. Plants have sex?
Botany Professor: Flowering plants reproduce sexually, yes. The male will transfer its gametes to the female. We call that pollination. It’s not quite the same as the way animals do it, though.
Fiore Stern: Interesting. Do you teach plant toxicity? Will you teach your students to tell the difference between a poisonous plant, and one that’s safe to eat?
Botany Professor: That sort of specificity isn’t what we do in the undergraduate department. Poisonous plants do not all share a single trait you would be able to use to determine if it fits into the category. You just kind of have to know what’s good, and what to stay away from. As far as edibility goes, there’s something called the universal edibility test. It involves a long process of slowly interacting with the fruits, roots, or leaves, to find out whether it’s safe to eat. It takes a really long time, and we don’t teach that here, because we don’t expect our students to find themselves in a survival situation where such knowledge means life or death. It’s a liability issue too. I’m not even allowed to tell you how to learn about the test.
Fiore Stern: Well, let’s say someone does die, because they ate the wrong thing. If a decomposing body helps fertilize the soil, in the circle of life, will plants and flowers grow out of the dead body?
Botany Professor: Um. Well, no. A dead body is not an ideal environment for growth. Sure, a lot of nitrogen will be released into the soil, which may support any life growing around it, but the body itself doesn’t just isn’t fit for that. Why?
Fiore Stern: No reason. Thanks for talking to me. It’s been really helpful.
Botany Professor: Yeah...okay.

Friday, June 12, 2020

Microstory 1385: Choosing a Major

College Advisor: Hi, GED Earner. I’m College Advisor.
GED Earner: Hello, I’m GED Earner. I mean...obviously you know that. Sorry.
College Advisor: It’s okay. So, what brings you into the office today?
GED Earner: I was hoping for some help with choosing my major.
College Advisor: It’s the second week of school.
GED Earner: I know. I was just so busy with my courses. They all gave out a lot more homework than I thought they would after the first class.
College Advisor: No, I mean that it’s a bit early to be making this decision. Of course you can declare a major now, but I recommend you wait until the middle of your first semester of sophomore year to really start thinking about it. The first few semesters are about fulfilling your general education requirements, and figuring out how to answer that question.
GED Earner: I already have my general education degree.
College Advisor: No, for college. You have a high school equivalent. Everyone at this school, however, has to take several of the same classes, regardless of what their degree ends up being. Everybody’s gotta take math, and English, and some science, for instance.
GED Earner: Oh. Yeah, I’m taking all those.
College Advisor: How many hours are you taking this semester?
GED Earner: Uhh...twenty.
College Advisor: That’s quite a bit, for your first year, especially. That’s what, six classes? I imagine one of them is a science credit with a lab.
GED Earner: That’s right. The system wouldn’t let me sign up for more than that.
College Advisor: I actually recommend you drop two or three of those. At least one. You gotta get rid of one. That’s just too much work.
GED Earner: You don’t think I can handle it, because I didn’t graduate from high school?
College Advisor: You did graduate. You just missed some of the lectures and passing periods. Never let anyone tell you that your diploma isn’t real because you got it from a special program. This school doesn’t let anyone in who can’t handle it. Anyone who drops out does so because they don’t believe in themselves, or they have other obstacles, like financial constraints, or family emergencies. That means you belong here, and we want you here. You can handle this work, but twenty hours is a lot. You want your first semester to be—not easy—but more of a taste of what’s to come. If you try to take on too much at once, you’ll burn out. You might still remain a student, but you’ll be more inclined to take far too few classes later, and you won’t want to work hard. Trust me, I’ve seen it a million times. Please drop one course. You can always take it later.
GED Earner: Okay, I can do that. I don’t much care for my Logic professor, so I guess I would rather roll the dice, and hope I get someone better next time.
College Advisor: Okay, cool. So. As far as your major goes, I still think you should wait, but for next semester, we can discuss what kinds of things you like to do, and what you’re good at. That way you can start to tailor your class load a little. Some general requirements do allow for substitutes, in case you prefer something slightly different.
GED Earner: Well, I don’t really like any of the subjects. That’s why I didn’t finish school the first time around.
College Advisor: There was never a class where you thought, I don’t hate this quite as much as the others?
GED Earner: Wull. I guess I didn’t hate gym class. But you can’t take gym in college.
College Advisor: The hell you can’t! We have a great physical education department here!
GED Earner: You do?
College Advisor: Of course. Team sports, exercise, track and field. Even dance. Were you thinking you wanted to teach?
GED Earner: I hadn’t really given it much thought.
College Advisor: Then let’s think about it now. Let me pull up some information about what you can do with a degree in physical education.
GED Earner: Oh, wow. Thanks.

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Microstory 1352: Recruited

Supposed Agent: Ah, we are almost done here, and you’ll be ready to start working for us. This is to make sure you’re worthy of security clearance.
Agency Recruit: Where are we?
Supposed Agent: This is where you’ll be working most of the time. There may be occasions where you’ll be needed in the field, but that requires a lot of further training, so we’re going to keep you behind a desk for now.
Agency Recruit: That’s fine with me, I’m just a math professor. This...feels off, though.
Supposed Agent: How so?
Agency Recruit: This has felt off the whole time. The point of the CIA and NSA is that there is some way to verify that you’re working for a legitimate organization. You can go to a giant building in Langley, and be processed through security. This is just a mostly empty office building. How do I know this isn’t some version of SD-6?
Supposed Agent: I don’t know what that is.
Agency Recruit: It’s a fictional agency from a TV show. Most of the agents thought they were working for the government, but it was all a lie. They were criminals. How am I meant to know if this is even real?
Supposed Agent: I assure you that this is a legitimate organization.
Agency Recruit: But how would I know?
Supposed Agent: Ha, who’s asking the questions here?
Agency Recruit: I am. Is the CIA aware of your existence?
Supposed Agent: They are. We work with them in certain situations.
Agency Recruit: So, there’s a way to verify you through them?
Supposed Agent: I’m not sure how that would work.
Agency Recruit: So you just expect me to trust you?
Supposed Agent: You will be getting a badge. You will be given government credentials, and a government-issued service weapon. Just look at this place. We have a secret entrance through the mail boxes, and everything. Well, I know you haven’t seen everything, but would anyone have the resources to fake this?
Agency Recruit: Fake it like for a scam? Well, yeah, maybe, but that’s not the concern. You could be a mercenary company, or a terrorist cell, or a competing agency operating on foreign soil.
Supposed Agent: This is why we need you, Agency Recruit. You don’t accept everything you see. You question everything. You will be a huge asset to us, and your country.
Agency Recruit: Someone should know about you. Someone at the CIA or FBI can find out whether this is real or not. Before I even think about trying to pass your clearance test, you’re gonna have to pass mine. The knowledge I have cannot be given away to just anyone.
Supposed Agent: I can’t let you do that. You already know where our base of operations is. We cannot let that information out of here. You can either keep walking up to the second floor, or go down to the basement.

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Microstory 1347: Ivy Creep

Ivy Candidate: Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity, sir. I’m very eager to learn from the absolute best of the best.
Ivy Gatekeeper: Well, that’s nice to hear, but you haven’t gotten in yet. I have been looking over your application, and it’s...
Ivy Candidate: What?
Ivy Gatekeeper: It’s not bad. It’s not particularly interesting. I mean, nothing in your essay really stands out. We get a lot of applicants—more and more each year—and there’s a reason for that. Well, there are many reasons. First, the human population is growing. Second, loans are increasingly easy to obtain, giving many students a false sense of security when it comes to paying for school. Third, people are just smarter. As a species, we’re smarter than we were before, and with the advent of the internet, knowledge is more accessible than ever. Suddenly, you don’t have to be born a genius, or come from the best grade school district. It’s leveled a lot of the playing field. Unfortunately, this means that, if you end up with a four-point-oh GPA, you’re not special anymore. Nonetheless, we have to have standards of some kind. We have to have some way of filtering people out. Otherwise, all we could go on is who happened to click the submit button the fastest.
Ivy Candidate: I understand. Is there anything I can do to stand out, or is my fate inevitable?
Ivy Gatekeeper: [...] There would have to be something you tell me in this interview that you didn’t mention before. You would need to give me some reason to advocate for you. Is there anything about your life that you think makes you unique, even if it’s only unique when coupled with something you’ve already told us?
Ivy Candidate: Hm. I guess not really. I know you want me to fight for this, but I don’t have a sappy story. I wasn’t raised by a single mother with a single leg. I didn’t pull my neighbor out of a burning building. I’ve been privileged, and can’t say I had to overcome adversity. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked my ass off. I sacrificed a lot of things so I could study, and participate in extracurriculars, but I see your point that there are plenty of people who have done the same thing.
Ivy Gatekeeper: You’re from Hillside, Kansas, right? I hear HillU is a pretty good school. Did you apply there?
Ivy Candidate: I have a few safety schools, but not Hillside. I want to move away from home, so I’m not tempted to rely on my family. The point of college is to prepare for a self-driven life.
Ivy Gatekeeper: I would agree with that. I actually know someone who used to work at Hillside University. He’s here now; teaches philosophy.
Ivy Candidate: I think I know who you’re talking about. Professor Ivy Creep, right?
Ivy Gatekeeper: Yes, you know him?
Ivy Candidate: He’s my uncle. But, ya know, when I say uncle, I mean...
Ivy Gatekeeper: He’s a family friend, not actually a parent’s sibling.
Ivy Candidate: Exactly. We haven’t spoken in a long time. How is he doing?
Ivy Gatekeeper: Oh, he’s...good, I think. He’s enjoying his new job.
Ivy Candidate: Oh, good. I’m happy for him.
Ivy Gatekeeper: Yeah.
Ivy Candidate: Yeah.
Ivy Gatekeeper: [...]
Ivy Candidate: [...]
Ivy Gatekeeper: So, he’s an asshole, right?
Ivy Candidate: Right!? Oh my God,  I’m glad you said something.
Ivy Gatekeeper: He acts like he runs this place.
Ivy Candidate: He’s always been that way. He talks down to people, and when he’s not the smartest person in the room, he literally ignores the person who is.
Ivy Gatekeeper: Yeah, I’ve noticed that.
Ivy Candidate: Yeah.
Ivy Gatekeeper: So, look. Anyone who has survived Professor Ivy Creep deserves a shot at a real life. If that’s not overcoming adversity, I don’t know what is. I’ll put in a good word for you, okay? I can’t make any guarantees, but I won’t let your application be the only thing that defines your college career.
Ivy Candidate: Oh, wow, thank you. That’s so amazing. You want me to be interesting, I promise to go crazy in college.

Thursday, September 5, 2019

Microstory 1184: Andar ‘Jiminy’ Jeffries

There once was a child who was living in an unsafe environment, being raised by unfit parents. He was forced to feed and entertain himself whenever they were out doing whatever. One day, he was pretending to be in a war. Lucky for the neighborhood, he did not have access to any real firearms, but he did make-do with what he could find strewn about the yard, like tools and pieces of a torn down shed. He started throwing them around, making believe that they were bombs falling to the ground, shrapnel bursting from an explosion, or bullets flying from a gun. One such of these items was a mallet, and he threw it so hard that it soared all the way over the fence, and landed on the head of a four-year-old boy named Andar Jeffries. Andar’s mother rushed him to the hospital, where he was treated for a head injury, and found to be far less hurt than he could have been. He had a particularly strong head, and was healing quickly. It was nothing supernatural, but it was impressive, and fortunate. Andar’s parents might have sought retribution against their neighbors, and even severe punishment for the child, Braeden. Instead, they contacted family services, and began the long and nasty process of taking the neglected boy in as a foster child. Once this process was complete, the Jeffries moved to Kansas City, so they could all start new lives together. Their compassion and magnanimity molded both boys into loving, understanding, and generous people. They became brothers, and never had to see Braeden’s birth parents again. Word somehow got out about what happened, and Andar was given the nickname of Jiminy, since his story was not entirely dissimilar to that of the Talking Cricket’s in The Adventures of Pinocchio. He didn’t care for it much, but no one could ever know this. He was too thoughtful and agreeable to let anyone believe they were doing something he didn’t like. Braeden was the only person he could confide in, and be completely honest with. Not even their mom and dad would be good sources of support, because they would always just suggest he remain helpful and courteous anyway.

Though they were both taught the same values, Andar and Braeden were very different individuals. Braeden was creative and energetic. He continued to leverage his imagination, though now in far healthier ways, but still involving mallet-throwing. He would grow up to work at a place called Wreckreational Therapy, where customers could relieve stress by damaging assorted items. Braeden would come to run the place, and later open three more branches in Kansas and Missouri. Andar, on the other hand, was cool and observant. He preferred to sit quietly with a good book, or engage in an interesting conversation, especially with someone who was smarter than him. His parents were actually concerned for his sedentary lifestyle, and pretty much demanded he exercise, in whatever way he wanted. He decided to become a runner, because it was fairly inexpensive, and easy to start and stop at will. As it turned out, though, he was pretty damn good at it. Before he knew it, he was racing in competitions, and focusing a hell of a long more on it than he ever wanted to. But again, he didn’t feel he could voice his resentment to his loved ones, because he didn’t think they would understand. He quickly became a contender for the City Frenzy, though he would never win, because his heart just wasn’t in it. He never felt that rush that came from victory, or the exhilaration from the competition itself. He only really did anything because it made others feel better. He grew up too, and had to spend some time in regular therapy, as well as his brother’s wreck rooms, to change for the better, and start taking care of himself. He eventually realized he didn’t have to run anymore, and never did in the first place. He dedicated his life to academic pursuits, and eventually became a moral philosophy professor, which is where he found true happiness.

Thursday, August 1, 2019

Microstory 1159: Anchor Nielsen

Anchor Nielsen was a fairly powerful mage remnant. He could open windows to other points in time and space, and witness events on the other side. The good news was that he could do this in secret, so that people didn’t know he was watching. The bad news was that he couldn’t interact with them, and he certainly couldn’t travel through. They were windows; not portals. The phallocratic Republic recruited him when he was a teenager, to work for covert operations. They would have him spy on suspects, and report back to them. But Anchor was not a normal man, and though he felt he had no choice but to help, he didn’t want to give them everything. He insisted that he use his power in solitude. No one else was allowed to see what he saw, and if he didn’t want them knowing about something he saw, he reserved the right to simply not disclose it. Most of the men of the time were indoctrinated into believing, not that women were inferior, but that they couldn’t be trusted. His father raised him a little differently; he taught him to love. Anchor loved his mother, and his younger sister, and he couldn’t imagine not trusting them. So if he could trust those two, what exactly was stopping him from trusting other women? Nothing. The government wanted him to report on what they called rebellious female activity, but he adamantly refused. He would help catch murderers, rapists, and thieves, but he couldn’t let his abilities be used to oppress innocent people even more. This got to be so irritating for his superiors that they ultimately let him go, and he transitioned to a new life. He went back to school, and stayed there for a good long while, until he was educated enough to be a professor himself.

He ended up teaching Earth Studies, and he was the absolute best at it, because no one else possessed his insight. He could watch events unfold back on the homeworld through his windows, whereas there was otherwise no communication between Earth and Durus. They started calling him Professor Pane, because I guess they thought they were being clever, or something. His beliefs grew even stronger from these experiences, for the equality he saw there was always prosperous at its best. The Earthans weren’t perfect, but discrimination always caused problems, while love, acceptance, and at the very least, tolerance, made people happier. If it could be done on Earth, then it could be done on Durus, and he needed to continue pushing his agenda. His influence was limited, but he had one thing going for him; he could not be fired from his job. He was just too knowledgeable on Earthan culture to be replaced, and this gave him an excellent platform to spread his dissenting views to impressionable young minds. The institution, and the government, allowed him to do this, as long as he didn’t actively recruit people into some kind of rebel faction. He agreed to these terms, and followed through, because he didn’t need to recruit. His words were the truth, so he would have that on his side, and he could change the world more as a teacher than as a fighter. He never quit, and never let up. When Hokusai Gimura landed on Earth as the first visitor in many years, she ushered in a time of great change. The phallocracy was dismantled, and a real democratic republic began to form. However, she could not have made any real difference without the tireless and continuous efforts Anchor made throughout his life. No one would have changed their minds just because this one woman saved everybody’s asses once. They were already questioning the things they had been taught by the establishment, and she was just another step up. He lived long enough to see these developments, and died a hero.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Microstory 942: Language

When I was in seventh grade, I found myself failing English class. I was blowing off every assignment, and bombing every test. It got to be so bad that my teacher had to call my parents, which led to an awful fight. It was the weekend, and another test was coming up, but I had no way of studying, because I didn’t bother bringing the booklet home with me. My dad made me start calling my classmates one by one from the student directory to ask them if I could borrow their booklet, make a copy, and take it back. I don’t remember how many I had to call—which, as an undiagnosed autistic boy, was about the worst thing you could make me do—but I remember there being several of them. I cracked open the booklet, and was surprised at the material. They called it Greek and Latin Roots and Stems. You mean to tell me the string of letters -ing means “continuous action”? Well, of course it does. And -ed denotes the past tense? It couldn’t be anything else. In a matter of weeks, I ended up with one of the highest grades in the class, because this was my field of study. I just didn’t know it yet. Over the course of the next few years, I would regularly start failing English class, only to make up for it once I actually agreed to pay attention, and try. Still, I was into my second year of college before I discovered Linguistics. People in movies often struggle to decide what kind of classes they want to take, but it wasn’t so up in the air for me. There were tons of general requirements, and you had to take a great deal of classes at a certain level or higher. And in order to reach that level, you had to take prerequisites. I’m not saying we all took the exact same classes, but there was quite a bit of overlap, regardless of your major. I ended up falling in love with the linguistics course that fulfilled these requirements, and decided to minor in it, while continuing to major in film. Though, by the time the next semester rolled around, I had realized that no one in the film department liked me, and I was better off switching completely.

True to form, I kept failing my classes, but this time I had to retake them, because college professors are far less forgiving than high school teachers. Still, because I basically started as a junior, with nearly the maximum number of transfer credits, I was able to graduate in four years, just like most people. And here I am today as what’s easiest to describe as a permanent office temp. I have a multitude of duties, at dozens of different locations, and not a single one of them is at all related to the study of linguistics. The name of my degree is, every single time, misleading to people who ask for it. Some think it means I know every single language, which would be tough, since there are/were literally thousands of them. Those who understand it better, want to engage me in an intellectual conversation, which I am unable to provide, because I was a horrible student, no matter how you look at it. I know a little about a lot of things, but I don’t know much about any one thing; not even linguistics. And don’t even get me started on what kind of job people are meant to get with this degree. The answer is, the one I have right now, asshole. Most people don’t have their dream job, but thanks for quite deliberately making me feel like a failure. Fortunately for the people who paid my way through school, the entire ordeal was not technically a waste of time. As a writer, I use the skills and knowledge I picked up every day. My foundation allows me to seek out answers without being completely lost, unlike when I try to research, say, how to repair an automobile. I love language. I love all its little twists and exceptions. I love learning about who speaks what languages, where, when they started, and why. I find it fascinating that the term a napron was so decisively mistaken for an apron that few people even know the truth behind it. And I love that English is the only Germanic Romance language in the world. Language isn’t everything, but if we didn’t have it, we wouldn’t be able to talk about all the other things that matter.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Microstory 867: Steadfast

I need money. I need all the money I can get. I’m paying for college myself, so I sometimes walk around campus, looking for opportunities to make a little extra cash. When I was a freshman, I learned that grad students were always looking for people to participate in their research studies, and many of them paid. I’ve worn eye-tracking visors to show how people look at pictures, I’ve gone for days without sleeping, and I’ve even donated my saliva. I still don’t know what they did with my DNA, but hopefully nothing. After all this time, I know a few people in the right departments, and I usually know when something good is coming. The other day, a psychology professor called me up to let me know they would need a handful of people to come and watch a presentation. He said it could pay up to two hundred dollars, which is the highest I will have ever gotten, so I jumped at the chance. I walk in the building and find the right room. There are a lot more people there than the professor led me to believe, but that shouldn’t make a difference; it’s not a competition. Like many of these things, no one comes up to tell us why we’re here, or what they’re looking for. An orator just steps onstage and starts talking about fairly advanced concepts in the field of psychology. I start taking notes, because I take this very seriously, and they may test us on it later in order to understand the principles of comprehension. One by one, beautiful girls start coming up and standing in front of me so I can’t see the stage. With no provocation, they just start flirting, and I realize the study is not about comprehension, it’s about concentration. I’m resolved to get through this, though, so I ignore all their advances. All in all, I estimate there to be fifteen girls, and one guy, over the course of a half hour. Not one of them succeeded in breaking my focus. I watch the whole speech, understand a few things, and learn even more. The speaker says nothing about the girls, or even about the human brain’s capacity to focus on a task at hand. It’s actually about how smart people can often miss very obvious things because they overthink the problems in front of them. But I know that it doesn’t matter. The presentation itself is irrelevant, but how I react to the interruption. After it’s all done, I walk down the steps and approach my professor friend to ask him how I did with the experiment. He frowns and all but throws the stack of cash at me. “That was a ruse,” he says. “We’re all just trying to find you a girlfriend. You worry too much, and we thought a companion could help you relax.” I scoff. That’s a dumb experiment.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

The Odds: Forty-Two (Part III)

Click here for the previous installment...
Click here for the entire story (so far).

Everyone knows the answer to life, the universe, and everything. The problem is that no one knows the question. Hi, my name is Tavis Highfill, but you can call me Nick Fisherman. Today I’m here to talk to you about the number 42. It’s a beautiful number which, unlike 24, has a grand history of significance. Hey, did you notice that those two numbers are the reverse of each other? Interesting coincidence, don’t you think? Tons of religions looked at 42 and said coolly, “nice...nice.” Some think it’s bad number, but don’t worry about them. Why, just now, I read a tweet that came in while I was at work involving Molybdenum, whose atomic number happens to be 42. Boom, apophenia again! The most famous uses of the number come out of writers Douglas Adams and Lewis Carroll (the latter likely influenced the former).
I’m not going to go over what other people think of the number, because why would I do that? I’m going to explain how I came to the number myself. I first started watching the hit television series LOST on September 22, 2004. I didn’t look that up. It’s just something that I remember. It’s practically a religion for me. I grew up in a TV family. That’s what we did together. We didn’t go hunting, we didn’t do crafts, and we didn’t ignore each other. We watched TV. But when I was young, my viewing practices were limited. I spent a great deal of time watching PG-13 movies on HBO when my parents were at work. Sorry not sorry, mom and dad. I fell in love with Quantum Leap because it was my introduction to science fiction, was on before my mother got home and needed the TV for herself, and was just generally awesome. I also felt like I was getting away with pretending to be an adult for an hour a day.
I watched a few other things on my own, like Spiderman cartoons which seemed like a huge betrayal against my parents, because even though they hadn’t told me I couldn’t watch it, they also never told me I could. Besides the standard family-oriented programs like Step By Step, Boy Meets World, and Full House (one of the worst shows ever made, admit it) the family watched Scrubs, Will and Grace, and a few other comedies. In the summer of 2004, I started seeing previews for LOST, and I was immediately excited. A daring tale of survival, mystery, and intrigue. Was it drama? Was it science fiction? Who were these people? What is the island? It was around this time that I was starting to feel like television may be more relevant for my skills as a writer than books. I turned out to be right about that, by the way.
The years following the premiere of LOST saw me adding series to my repertoire exponentially, and I do mean that literally. With every passing season, the number of hours of scripted primetime television I was watching increased dramatically. I was watching the majority of new series, and catching up on series that I had missed. I was going back to long-lost legacy programs like Firefly, Dark Angel, and Surface, as well as then-current seasoned series like Battlestar Galactica, Smallville, Veronica Mars, and The 4400 using illegal streaming links. I was obsessed, and still am. I got to the point where I was probably watching 70-80 hours of content per week, no joke. I was more dedicated to understanding the art of television than most people are to their fulltime jobs. Again, no joke.
I was watching shows I loved, shows I could only watch while working on other things, and even shows that I absolutely detested. To that last part, I watched a couple of seasons of 2 Broke Girls, and stuck with Bones long past the point they ruined it. I finally managed to watch Stargate SG-1 & Stargate: Atlantis, Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel, and Odyssey 5. My sister’s gift of Netflix allowed me to streamline my viewing habits, and made it easier to watch shows like Farscape, Supernatural, SGU Stargate Universe, and Alias, among many, many others. I’ve seen Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Dollhouse, Heroes, and Prison Break at least twice. I’m going on a third for that last one to prepare for the revival. It would be impossible to count how many times I’ve seen any given episodes of LOST. Now that I’m running this website, and have lots of other responsibilities, my repertoire is much more tempered, but it’s still pretty strong. I study television like some study film. I look for what makes a good show and what makes a successful one, along with what’s happening when those two things are in conflict. I hunt for easter eggs, research interesting casting decisions, read trivia, and analyze trends. I’m an expert. If I could have earned a bachelor’s degree in the field, I so would have, and I would have kicked ass.
I used my knowledge of how to tell a goddamn story to write my own. My writing got better, not just because I was older and more experienced, but because TV taught me story structure. My high school teachers are not responsible for my talent, and my college professors sure and shit didn’t teach me two things. Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse are the ones who began my education, because they sent me on a path of exploration. They taught me how far to go with a cliffhanger, how to develop character relationships, and even why reading is important. Even though it’s clear that I gather the majority of my inspiration from TV, I do read some. The special LOST numbers of 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 led me to reading the five primary books in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy franchise. And so it was Douglas Adams who got me interested in reading again, and taught me that I should shy away from the so-called “classics” and gravitate towards exciting cult lowbrow fiction. I still don’t read as much as my contemporaries, but I read The Hunger Games trilogy, yet part of The Magicians trilogy, and many Richelle Mead novels.
Forty-Two is important because it’s not important. It doesn’t really mean anything. It doesn’t matter what the meaning of life is, because what would knowing that change? Is that really what you want; to have a purpose? If your purpose is to help someone else, aren’t you really just helping someone whose only purpose is to help someone else? Do you find comfort in “God’s plan”? Why? I say that if the point of life is to reach some sort of literally lofty goal, then there isn’t real a point at all. When you play a game of chess, you know that there will be one of two outcomes; a stalemate, or a win. But you’re not playing so you can discover which one, are you? You’re not even really playing to see who wins, should that be the result. You’re playing for the game itself. You could just knock one of the kings over and walk away from the board as soon as you sit down, but what the fuck would that accomplish? My God isn’t moving us around to his liking in order to get something done. She doesn’t send hurricanes, and she sure as hell doesn’t kill children. I don’t know why you’re praying to a God who kills children, but he sounds like a prick.
The number forty-two taught me what life is really about; whatever you make of it. Everything is just about choices, and your purpose is to make the world a better place. If you’re interested in making it worse, then your life is meaningless at best. There are quadrillions of stars in the universe, a couple hundred billion of which are in our galaxy alone. The chances that a planet with conditions like ours exists—as far from the sun as it needs to be, landscape as it needs to be, in a solar system as far from the central black hole that it needs to be—are incredibly low. Evolution has led us to this moment right here where I’m writing this, and you’re waiting to. The perfect set of circumstances had to combine in a perfect series of causal connections in order to make you be a thing that is real. I find that far more impressive than a God who came into being via magic and then just decided to invent you. Forty-Two is my third number because in no reality is it not. Click here for the next installment...

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Microstory 259: Perspective Thirty-Four

Perspective Thirty-Three

Ever since my bitch cousin moved to the big city and got her angel wings, she’s been all my parents talk about it. I know it’s a cliché, but they really do ask me why I can’t be more like her. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have my life together. I have a decent job with decent pay that I got from a decent education, and I’m doing all right for myself. Sure, there’s no room for upward movement, but so what? They don’t seem to understand that some people are perfectly content working uneventful jobs. My main concern is income and job security. I have those now, so what more should I want, to live in a mansion? I wouldn’t feel comfortable knowing someone could get shot in one room and not be heard in another. So no, a two bedroom apartment is fine for me right now, thanks. The hours are set in stone, and I never have to take my work home with me. I spend my money on the things that I love which is predominantly extreme sports. I do it all; from spelunking to scuba diving, paintball to parkour, rafting to roller derby. I’ve been saving for a major ski trip next winter, and I have other travel intentions as well. But no, that stuff is for teenagers who are, at best, trying to find themselves, and at worst, rebellious. I don’t smoke or do drugs, and I don’t drink very much. What more do they want from me? Oh that’s right, to be like my cousin. She works as a counselor at a crisis hotline, but she’s not as perfect as they think. She’s done things. She’s been involved with certain persons. But I can’t tell them that because I actually like her, and the truth is that she really is a good person. I just wish people would see that I am too. Just because I’m not saving lives doesn’t mean mine is meaningless. I had a teacher in college who seemed to feel like that. To him, the only reason anyone doesn’t pursue the field of social work is because they’re not good enough for it. I mean, he legit had trouble understanding why anyone would have interests he didn’t share. He was either autistic, or just a sociopath. I hope it’s the second one, because then I don’t feel so bad for hating him. What does he know, anyway? He doesn’t have passion. He just has work. He can keep his statistics. I’m going to the skate park.

Perspective Thirty-Five

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Microstory 254: Perspective Twenty-Nine

Perspective Twenty-Eight

This is my frog, Professor Collywobbles. He’s a real frog, but he’s also not a real frog. When he’s in his tank, all he can do is sit there, and sometimes swim around. But when I draw him, he can do whatever I want him to. He can talk, play the drums, and he can solve the national debt crisis. I like to draw myself into Professor Collywobbles’ stories so that we can go on adventures together. When I’m in Professor Collywobbles’ world, I don’t have to worry about people looking at me, or judging me. I am free to talk as I please, and I always know just what to say. I don’t have to wear glasses either, because Professor Collywobbles has cured by eyes. Last week, he and I needed to pay a visit to the Queen of Atlantis, but I can’t hold my breath that long, and so he designed a special mask that converts water into air, and it also allows me to communicate telepathically, because there’s no talking underwater. As we are awaiting audience with the Queen, I notice that Prince Malvolio is staring at me. I look away for a moment, and then look back, but he’s still staring at me. I tell Professor Collywobbles that I’m not feeling well so that I can get away and be alone. While I’m picking seaflowers, I look up to find that Prince Malvolio has followed me. I ask him what he wants of me and he says that he just likes to hear me sing. When I tell him that I’m not singing, he assures me that he can hear my soul, and I never need to utter word. I turn away and almost want to cry, because I don’t want him to look at me with my ugly mask on, but he says that I’m beautiful. He asks me to come with him so that he can show me his favorite spot in all of Atlantis. We swim together for hours, through sea caves, around schools of fishes going to class, and even a little on the surface. The city is bigger than I realized. Finally, he stops on the edge of an underwater cliff and sits down, but there’s nothing there. There are a lot of particulates in the water, and it’s pretty dark. I ask him why he likes this place so much, and he says that no one else would come here because it’s boring. That’s what makes it special. It’s just for him. I point out that I now know about it but he just hugs me and smiles. Then he says that he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Perspective Thirty

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Microstory 252: Perspective Twenty-Seven

Perspective Twenty-Six

My best friend complains about people a lot. Make no mistake, most of the time, he’s in the right. He just also usually forgets that normal people simply cannot keep up with him intellectually. He is, by no means, a genius, but he does have very superior intelligence. He picks up new material extremely quickly, his retention is off the charts, and he tests well. It can be pretty intimidating to be around him. Now I’m no moron—and I doubt he would ever choose to associate with anyone with an IQ under 120—but I struggle in school a little bit more. It hasn’t always been this way. Picture a line graph. One line shows you how difficult the material is, and one line shows you my level of comprehension. When I was a kid, my intelligence was higher than the difficulty level. As I grew older, both lines began to curve up, but right at the end of middle school, they crossed paths. I had one year in ninth grade where everything was perfect, but everything after that has been downhill. I’ve become smarter, but not as fast as I need in order to keep my grades up. Now that I’m in college, the classes just go straight over my head. The things the professors teach seem rational at the time, but then when I try to reapply this knowledge back home, nothing makes sense. I had my IQ tested again, and it was about the same. It’s just that I’ve dug myself a hole, and I can never get out of it. I took education for granted when I was a child. Everything was easy. I don’t remember learning how to read. As far as I know, it’s just something I’ve always been able to do. Multiplication tables? Fine. I didn’t realize until it was too late how much harder life would get. Everything I do is just designed to get me closer to what I really want. And every step is supposed to be easier than the last, but it never is. But I’ve realized what my real problem is. School just isn’t for me. I am fascinated with so many things. I want to know a little bit about pretty much every field, and every topic, but I don’t want to be an expert in any single thing. I’m thinking about quitting school and joining the workforce full time so that I can pick and choose what I want to learn from the internet, and community college classes. I hate being told what I’m supposed to know. I need to be in control.

Perspective Twenty-Eight

Sunday, May 17, 2015

The Advancement of Mateo Matic: March 30, 2023

Amidst the blaring of the oncoming train, he could hear someone in the distance screaming, “Leona! Get off!”
Mateo turned to find Leona Delaney racing towards him. “We have to go!” she cried. She took him by the shoulders.
“I can’t move!”
“We have to jump off!”
Leona reached out, trying to get them to the edge of the bridge, but he tripped. His left leg refused to hold him up. The train was a few meters away, and he only had to crawl a few feet to clear it, but it was just too much for his body. He wanted Leona to get away without him, but even convincing her of that would take too long. Just before the train overcame them, he felt a third hand on his back.
Mateo fell to his back. The train was gone. The bridge was gone. The sky was gone. He was in a lecture hall of some kind. Between him and Leona was Aunt Daria.
“Oh my God,” Mateo said, grasping his leg; the full force of the pain attacking him now that the adrenaline had gone down. “Daria? How did you find me?”
“I didn’t,” Daria replied. “I call that a slingshot. When I feel like someone is choking me, along with the dry mouth, I know that I’m only going to be at my next destination for a few seconds. That’s usually how long I have to save someone’s life. The powers that be put me on those missions occasionally. The people I save always end up being senators or rock musicians. I’ve never been there for a family member. You must be pretty important to them.”
“Who are these people?”
“Couldn’t tell you. But they must exist. It can’t be random. The law of probability doesn’t allow it.”
Leona let him lean on her and started leading them out of the room. “We need to get you to a hospital. Foothills is under ten minutes away.”
“How do you know that? Where are we?”
“We’re in the Duane Lab at the University of Colorado Boulder. This is where I go to school. Which you would know if you hadn’t abandoned us.”
“How did you find me?” Mateo asked after managing to get into the backseat of her car.
Leona pushed a button and started the car. “Boulder Medical Center. Foothills,” she instructed the navigation system. “Emergency Entrance.” The car backed out and started to drive on its own. “Cybil, call Carol.”
There was a beep from the car, whose name was apparently Cybil. “Calling Carol,” it—rather, she said.
Mateo’s mother’s voice came from the speakers, “Leona, what happened?”
“We’re fine. Daria pulled us out just in time. He’s broken his leg, so we’re headed to Foothills Hospital.”
“We’ll meet you there.”
“Who’s we?” Mateo asked after the call ended.
“My boss was there during your last jump, so he knew exactly where you would be,” Leona answered while she inspected his leg.
“Your boss?”
“Professor Andrews. He actually saw you disappear, along with several other people in the car. They were pretty freaked out about it. Some people were worried about terrorism, but you fortunately never gave your identification, so there was no real proof that you were still on the train during that leg of the trip...pardon the pun.”
“And you just happened to start grad school at the same college as the guy I talked to on the train to Utah?”
“Duke snatched your bag secretly, and tracked us down. It’s been a year, remember? We got to know each other, and he put in a recommendation for me. I’m one of his teaching assistants. In the meantime, we discuss what’s happening with you.”
“What have you figured out?”
“Just about jack shit.”
“Language!”
“I’m not fifteen years old anymore. Anyway, back to the subject, we did design a special machine that should give us some data that you couldn’t have gotten from a regular ol’ hospital back in Topeka. Our main concern is determining what happens to the space around you when you disappear, and what happens to the space when you come back. Our current observations don’t make a whole lot of sense. I’ve seen first hand that Daria can take people with her, but you can’t. What exactly is the difference between hugging another person, and holding onto a bag, or even your clothes?”
“Well, my father was alive at the time. So that was a difference.”
“Physics doesn’t care whether you’re a living organism or not. It’s all just a matter of matter.” She leaned over and gave him a passionate but rather conservative kiss. “But I care.” Then she slapped him. “Don’t you ever run away from me again. Do you hear me?”
“My God, you’ve really grown up.”
“You’ve been dealing with this for less than two weeks while the rest of us are living in real time. Your entire life is consumed by this. But for me, it’s Tuesday.”
“It’s Thursday,” Daria piped in.
“Never mind. We’re here.”
A couple hours later, Mateo watched in amazement as a 3D printer formed a cast designed to fit his leg perfectly. It looked like nothing he had seen before. It wasn’t completely closed, but a web of plastic connections, almost like fishnet stockings. If Spiderman ever got hurt, this was the cast he would wear. Once it was finished, he put his pants on over it, and you couldn’t even tell that it was there. The nurse tried to give him medication for the pain, but Professor Duke Andrews walked in just in time to stop her. “Sorry, Mateo,” he said. “But the cast is bad enough. I can’t have these drugs interfering with our experiment.”
“Sir, I do not know who you are, but this is a medical decision...” Duke pulled her aside to talk her out of causing problems. Carol came over and gave him a hug.
“Are you going to slap me too?” he asked of her.
Carol turned to Leona. “Did you slap my son?”
“I admit to nothing.”
Daria stood up and took charge. “My nephew needs to get some sleep. I suggest we go back to wherever it is you people live so that he can rest.”
“I need to run some tests before he disappears,” Duke complained.
“And you will get your chance. You have over twenty hours left. But for now, let’s go. Someone needs to deal with the discharge papers.” She physically ushered them out of the room so that only she and Mateo remained.
“I think I would have liked you as an aunt. Whatever the motives of these people, the...powers that be, they better be worth me losing three of my parents and you.”
“That brings me to the second reason I’m back.” She took something out of her pocket and handed it to him. It looked not unlike a flash drive, but it definitely wasn’t that.
“Computers use these nowadays?”
She coughed. “The way I understand it, the technology required to access this device won’t exist for another couple centuries, or was it millennia?”
“I thought you weren’t a time traveler.”
She smiled lovingly and took a drink of water from his cup. “I’m not. But I’ve met some people since you’ve been gone.”
“Daria,” he started to say.
“I don’t know you. But I love you.” With that, she disappeared.
Mateo went back to his mother’s new Colorado house and slept the rest of the day away in a bed designated for him. They woke him up that night and drove him back to the university. Duke took blood samples, saliva samples, and other samples. As midnight approached, they had him lie in a machine that looked like the glass coffin from Snow White.
“The machine is going to run nonstop for the entire year,” Duke explained to him. I imagine the data during that time will provide us with zero insight, but we’re doing it anyway. We’ll see you later.”
Both his mom and Leona told him that they loved him. Then midnight.