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Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Microstory 467: Floor 19 (Part 2)

Senior Buyer: Hey, Procurement Specialist. How are we doing? Are we feeling okay? Is the lockdown getting us down? You know you can talk to me about anything.
Procurement Specialist’s Mind: This is my boss. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s very...affectionate. I wouldn’t call what he does sexual harassment, but he’s certainly not aware of the concept of a personal bubble. He’s also not smart enough for a job in management.
Specialist: I’m doin’ all right, actually.
Senior Buyer: Ya know, death is a natural part of life. There is one inevitable truth, and that is that everybody dies. This is how it’s been since the beginning of time, and so shall it always be.
Specialist’s Mind: Actually the transhumanist movement’s goals of virtual immortality are closer to reality than most people know.
Specialist: Yeah, I know. I’ve seen death before. All my grandparents are gone.
Specialist’s Mind: None of them is dead.
Senior Buyer: Oh, I’m so sorry about that. Were you close with them?
Specialist: I was.
Specialist’s Mind: I’m not at all.
Senior Buyer: I’m so very sorry about that. You shouldn’t be working. Why don’t you go ahead and go head home?
Specialist: We’re on lockdown. No one can leave...
Specialist’s Mind: ...dumbass. And I didn’t say they all died today.
Specialist: And I’ve not been able to work anyway because we’re also locked out of the system...
Specialist’s Mind: ...and it’s not like I spend a lot of my daily time working anyway. I’m mostly squeezing sweets and pig-revenging and raising virtual animals on a farm.
Senior Buyer: Oh, that’s right. Well, have you seen Purchasing Intern 2?
Specialist’s Mind: He’s in the closet...with the other intern.
Specialist: I think both interns got caught on another floor.
Specialist’s Mind: Honestly, I didn’t lie to him about where the interns are because I care about their privacy. I lied to him because I would be worried he’d invite himself into the closet with them, and then things would get real weird.
Senior Buyer: Well, if you see him, would you let him know that we’re letting him go?
Specialist’s Mind: Really? He wants me to do it? I’ve always wanted to fire somebody.
Specialist: Really? You think I’m ready for that?
Specialist’s Mind: Can I fire them both? Can I make ‘em duke it out for the one remaining position? What is our policy on making people cry?
Senior Buyer: You’ve proven yourself invaluable. Somebody messed up an order, and I’ve traced the problem back to Purchasing Intern 2.
Specialist’s Mind: Yikes, that was actually my fault.
Specialist: Oh no, that’s terrible.
Senior Buyer: I don’t like having to lose people.
Specialist’s Mind: Lemme guess, cuz it harshes your mellow.
Senior Buyer: It’s the worst part of my job.
Specialist: I think that the worst part of your job is you.
Senior Buyer: What did you say?
Specialist’s Mind: Shit.

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